Today, there was yet another resignation.
I know, shocking, shocking.
Chief Economic Advisor Gary Cohen quit today. Yeah.
So I think, at this point, the White House staff
is just John Kelly and a fax machine
that Jared isn't allowed to use.
You know that right now the White House has lost
so many people, like, every week somebody's leaving.
And, like, forget the White House.
If an Applebee's lost this many people,
I'd think twice about eating there. I'd be like,
"Something's going on. Something's going on."
But let's move on. Let's move on.
If you ever worked with Donald Trump,
there are two things that terrify you.
Sponge bath Thursdays,
and Special Counsel Robert Mueller,
because for Trump and his people,
Robert Mueller is a daytime horror movie, you know?
He's methodically picking off your friends one by one.
But only from nine to five.
And yesterday, we were introduced
to Mueller's latest victim:
a former Trump aide by the name of Sam Nunberg,
who was so freaked out when he got a subpoena from Mueller,
that he went on national television
and lost his goddamn mind.
TV REPORTER: During a whirlwind tour on cable news,
former Trump campaign aide Sam Nunberg insisted
he would defy a grand jury subpoena
from Special Counsel Robert Mueller.
TV REPORTER: It unfolded live during several hours
of rambling and breathless interviews on television.
Why do I have to hand over all my e-mails
to-to a federal investigator?
It's not fair. It's really not fair.
They're not gonna send me to jail.
You know what, Mr. Mueller, if he wants to send me to jail,
he can send me to jail, and then I'll, uh,
and then I'll laugh about it.
(laughter)
I've never seen anyone abandon a threat midway through.
"I swear to God, if you punch me, it's gonna hurt my face."
(laughter)
Now, if you've never heard of Sam Nunberg before,
he was an early aide to Donald Trump, who was hired,
and fired, and, uh-- Oh, and then he was fired again,
this time for using the n-word on Facebook. Yeah.
Which is shocking to me that someone got fired
from the Trump campaign for being racist.
Like, I thought they hired people based on that.
"It says here on your resume the n-word.
So when can you start?"
So yesterday, Nunberg decided to go on TV,
and tell everyone that he was not a snitch.
And then he started snitching.
I know Bob Mueller;
I know, I know that whole team,
and they-- and they're right,
and they probably have something on Trump.
Trump did something pretty bad.
Look, Paul Manafort, Rick Gates,
crooks, they were crooks.
I think Carter Page colluded with the Russians.
Sara Huckabee is a terrible press officer.
Trump is the most disloyal person you're ever gonna meet.
I mean, do you know the way I've been treated by Donald Trump?
I mean, I hate the guy.
Do you think I was talking to Corey and Hope Hicks,
I mean, while they were having their affair?
Damn. Damn.
You know, I know the stereotype is that women gossip,
but every man who works for Trump
keeps proving that stereotype wrong.
Think about it. Scaramucci, Bannon, and now Nunberg.
These guys are like human WikiLeaks.
The women, though, they keep their shit on lock.
Like, Kellyanne Conway never snitches. Yeah.
You actually leave interviews with her
knowing less than when you started.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders-- Fort Knox.
Hope Hicks? She was communications director,
and we never even heard her speak.
Now you understand. There's a reason
Black Panther rolls like this:
women don't snitch.
Yeah. Think about it.
Think about it. Two years later,
we're still looking for Hillary's e-mails, huh?
Still. I see you, girl.
I see you.
(laughter and applause)
The guys are all here.
Because unlike Trump's women,
Sam Nunberg is the complete opposite.
He spent the entire day blabbing to any show that would have him.
He was on MSNBC. He was on NY1.
He went on three different CNN shows.
He was so eager to dish
that somehow he even ended up on The Bachelor.
I wanted Trump to lose.
I didn't care if Trump lost.
I thought it would be funny.
I don't even know what to say.
Yeah.
And that wasn't even the craziest thing
about last night's episode.
#TeamBecca. Uh...
Now, even for a Trump associate,
Nunberg's appearances were extremely erratic yesterday.
You know, he was like
if Fergie's national anthem was a person.
In fact, it got so bad
that one of the hosts on MSNBC
brought out a lawyer
to try and help him on live TV.
And look at his face. Look at his face
when the reality of the situation sinks in.
I think your family wants you home for Thanksgiving,
and I hope you will testify.
Isn't this ridiculous?
No, it's not ridiculous, Sam.
-I-Is it November? November? -It is so not ridiculous.
You'd rather spend possibly a year in jail
-than 80 hours going through e-mails? -Me? I'm not going...
I'm not going to jail. Do you think I'm going to jail?
Sam Nunberg, Maya Wiley, Barbara McQuade,
thank you for...
(laughter and applause)
That's the face of someone who suddenly realizes he's screwed.
He's like, "I'm not going to jail.
"Oh, wait, I'm going to jail.
I don't want to drink toilet wine."
And so, after five hours,
after five hours of giving interview after interview
about how he would never cooperate with Mueller,
something clicked,
and by the end of the night,
Nunberg was singing a completely different tune.
You know what I was thinking about today, by the way?
-Hmm? -I was thinking to save time--
I've been advised against this--
maybe I'll just give them my password.
My e-mail password. 'Cause why do I have to go...
So then you're gonna comply? (chuckles)
Then I would comply, yes.
Wow.
So, after five hours of a verbal car chase,
it just ended with Nunberg offering Mueller his password.
Yeah. Which-- let's be honest-- there's an 80% chance
it's either "password123" or "nunberg69."
It's one of the two. One of the two.
And I'm sure that Mueller appreciates
that Nunberg might finally be willing to cooperate,
but I'm not sure it's necessary anymore.
Like, Nunberg's gonna walk into Mueller's office
and be like, "Okay, let's do it. I'm ready to testify."
And Mueller will be like, "No, don't worry about it.
"I have it all on my DVR. You can go home, man.
You can go home."