he's gonna take you back to the pan
all right so there were a lot of
Simpsons related games Simpsons games up
the ass games like Rusty's funhouse Bart
versus the juggernauts Bart's nightmare
there were Simpsons games on just about
every game console but there's two in
particular that I remember from the
Nintendo Entertainment System Bart vs.
the space mutants and Bart vs. the world
these games rank up with the most
classic pop-culture memories but if you
play in the day all it does is remind
you how much they pissed you off
bringing back the horrible memories
these games can best be described like
this imagine if you track a wet smelly
piece of [ __ ] inside an airtight
container then like 20 years later you
open that [ __ ] up you take a good smell
and there you go welcome back so this is
bart vs space mutants the plot involves
aliens that are trying to build an
ultimate weapon to take over the world
which sounds simple and cliche however
in order to build this weapon whatever
it is it requires one ingredient purple
colored objects what kind of time
constraint were they under when they
came up with that so it's up to Bart to
save the world and this is the first
level and the object is to get rid of
anything that's purple under most
circumstances this means simply spray
painting them red but other times you
have to be a little more creative to
figure it out
it could mean walking across a
clothesline dropped in towels over them
the aliens will never think to look
under those towels then there's a part
where you have to jump on a ball and
knock over a paint can and if you miss
this paint can the ball doesn't come
back you don't get a second chance and
keep in mind you have two deep purple
eyes all the purple objects I think
you're allowed to miss a few of them but
there's not much room to [ __ ] up you
collect coins as you go what you're
gonna need to buy stuff with the first
time playing through you're not gonna
know exactly what items you're gonna
need and I can tell you for one thing
that key isn't necessary and as for this
whistle all it does is summon an angry
[ __ ] crazy-ass dog that kills Bart if
he comes in contact come into a decision
where you can buy cherry bombs and
rockets how many should you buy of each
well there's only one instance I recall
where you need the cherry bomb and many
many many times
when you need the rockets but how the
[ __ ] would you know that the first time
you'll end up having to backtrack to the
damn store trying to hit the bird is
just ridiculous your accuracy has to be
perfect
[ __ ] oh god I can't believe that missed
there you go you [ __ ] these vases are
also a pain in the ass they're too short
to spray when you're on the ledge so you
got to just keep jumping and spraying
and you know why is this Simpsons theme
song still playing it's good for the
beginning but when you have to listen to
it for ten straight minutes what a
shitload of [ __ ] let's talk about the
enemies it sucks but that you can't
really kill anything but lucky for you
they got nothing better to do than just
bounce around in little patterns on the
streets of Springfield all day I also
wonder why none of these aliens look
anything like the ones in the beginning
anyway some of them disguise themselves
as human beings and you can only see
them while wearing x-ray glasses kind of
like the movie they live these are the
only ones that you can kill by jumping
on their heads but if it's not an alien
just a regular human being then you take
a hit two hits and you're dead by the
way so you always got to make sure to
have your glasses selected come on
glasses come on come on glasses ah [ __ ]
farts sometimes I just jump on them out
of pure gamble because I don't feel like
selecting the glasses you don't need to
kill them anyway but they leave behind
letters collect them all to spell Maggie
then she'll help you during the boss
battle but besides it's strangely
satisfying to jump on those aliens heads
after all don't you wish you can just go
around killing aliens not making purple
things not purple why not just [ __ ]
[ __ ] all over and make everything brown
so you foil the aliens plans because now
there's nothing purple in existence so
what do they do they change the
ingredient to hats so if it can just
switch like that and to anything why not
make it something like grass or water or
something that's really easy to find it
just makes no sense so you're going
through the mall stealing all the hacks
because this is the only mall that has
hats whether they're floating in the air
or you got to grab them off somebody's
head the concept is pretty simple
compared to the first level
no ingenuity just collect hats the
imagination employed is just astounding
and how inconsistent it is it's like a
different person designed each
it's also really funny that people just
casually walk by if I was walking
through the mall and I saw giant
bouncing Donuts and killer marshmallows
walking shoes and spring jumping shoes
moon walking shoes paper bags with legs
paper bags with scary [ __ ] heads and
killer towels
I think I'd [ __ ] my pants [ __ ] will come
out of my ass another thing really
[ __ ] up about this mall is that a lot
of the floors covered in cement which
results in instant death
the only way to get through this [ __ ] is
master some of the worst controls in
videogame history this should have been
the first thing I commented on but now
is the point where it's really a problem
looking back at the first level it takes
a lot of practice to make some of those
jumps jump and run are both the same
button the a bun jumps and holding the a
button runs why the same [ __ ] button
what were they thinking
so trying to execute a running jump is
not possible by hitting both the a and B
button at the same time you do a super
jump
getting used to this is required in this
game [ __ ] here we go gotta get the Hat
get the hat now I'm jumping across
lollipops got to land on them when
they're horizontal you [ __ ] I
went right through it alright just one
big jump eat my [ __ ] shorts there's
no continues in this game either if you
get hit twice you're dead died three
times and the game's over you can get
someone ups but no continues as if it's
not challenging enough now I don't have
a problem challenge but when the
challenge is based on how [ __ ]
crippled the controls are then [ __ ] it
eat my shorts
eat him good right after I took a shitty
diarrhea dump so this is Bart vs. the
world the title always confused me
Bart saved the world from the space
mutants now he's against the world the
plot is basically Bart won a trip around
the world by drawing some shitty picture
of Krusty the Klown for an art contest
now mr. burns once the simpsons wiped
off the face of the earth so he calls
help from his relatives which happened
to descend from places like China Egypt
and the North Pole your basic goal is
just to get to the end of each
stage without dying there's also bonus
games along the way and here we got a
memory game to match the cards I liked
it when it was in Super Mario 3 but here
I just don't feel like the memorizing
[ __ ] I'd rather put sticky notes all
over the screen then you got guess which
igloo the crusty heads under then you
have a puzzle game which drives me
insane then you got a Simpsons trivia
game then you got dodge the beer and get
the crusty heads crusty heads are good
beer is bad makes a whole lot of sense
then you got the stupidest [ __ ] game
in the history games find the bat in the
coffins now this isn't like the igloo
game where you see which igloo it is and
then they move around no this is just
three coffins sitting here and you got
to pick the right one it's just pure
luck and everytime you get the wrong
coffin this green arm comes out and you
just gotta wait while nothing happens
it's not like Bart's even struggling you
just wait so that's the bonus stages now
that I got those out of the way let's
talk about the actual gameplay every
level consists of two or more sections
the first levels China and this is the
first section a boat first thing you'll
notice is that the control is the same
as bart vs space mutants nothing's
improved even the graphics are still
funny like when Bart's nose disappears
when he stands still so I'm just going
around the ship trying to figure out
where to go oh look there's Maggie what
do I do here okay a boat comes and
explodes I don't get it
now where do I go I'm stuck here Maggie
can you help No well suck my ass guess
I'm just gonna commit suicide love how
Bart doesn't even give a [ __ ] he's
pretty depressed I'd be too the next
section is the Great Wall of China what
really brings my piss to a boil is that
[ __ ] dragon [ __ ] the fact that you
have to be so accurate to get through
that damn doorway oh and these ramps
[ __ ] them [ __ ] them to hell you got to
be going fast to go over them but you
always seem to hit something that slows
you down so you got to go back just to
regain your speed [ __ ] oh oh [ __ ]
so then you got fu-manchu's he's pretty
easy moving on to the next level the
North Pole of course unless your jumping
is dead-on you'll end up falling
right through the platforms Oh going up
these things is just tedious as all hell
like goddamn these glaciers are the
worst to make a move you got to jump on
of course getting across them as a [ __ ]
and trying to avoid the birds is a
mother [ __ ] [ __ ] alright here we go
damn [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] the boss battles
with the abominable snow burns obviously
a take-off of the abominable snowman
which isn't from the North Pole next up
is Egypt follow the blocks follow the
blocks [ __ ] look what a piece of [ __ ] at
the end you got ramses burns who's also
pretty easy when you find out how to
kill them now believe it or not you're
in the final level of the game Hollywood
the first sections of pirate ship your
worst enemy is going to be the
cannonballs hate these [ __ ] things
then you got a horror movie set I have
to say that's pretty funny then the game
turns into a maze like you go into a
coffin you come out another coffin you
pick a coffin next call for another
coffin Oh been there already going
through the coffins the coffins the
coffins back here again going the next
coffin the coffins coffins [ __ ] I hate
this [ __ ] just tell me where to go okay
now we got like a million platforms to
jump on this is one of the most boring
and difficult parts of any game I've
ever played you go from the left all the
way the right then up and over to the
left again then back to the right and it
goes on and on and on and on if you fall
you're dead and you got to start all the
way back from the beginning it's
possible that if you miss a jump you can
land back on one of the platforms which
sucks anyway because you have to work
your way back up again but at least it
prevents death oh [ __ ]
god [ __ ] ass [ __ ] God you know they got
really carried away with this how long
can it possibly go the first time I
thought there was a glitch in the game
like something was wrong it looks like
the same pattern being repeated again
and again the background never changes
it's just those putrid stone bricks all
the way up so it's hard to tell how far
you got all you got to do is just keep
going up up up up have [ __ ] mercy at
this is the end of the game all you got
left is Eric Vaughn burns he's probably
the hardest of all the bosses which is
rightfully so then you get the end
screen which says it's too bad you
didn't find all the unique crusty items
we had a special surprise for you it's
like at the end of Bubble Bobble when
you don't get the correct happy ending
it's like you know [ __ ] you I beat the
game I don't give a [ __ ] I just wanted
to point out that for a game title Bart
vs. the world there really isn't a lot
of the world in the game no [ __ ] right
just Egypt China the North Pole in
Hollywood pretty [ __ ] educational
right when I was 11 years old my whole
world was video games just locked in my
room playing Bart vs. the space mutants
and all his crap but I wasted all my
time on this [ __ ] I want it back ruin my
life Bart's my ass and Krusty's my balls
[ __ ] this [ __ ] now I'm gonna eat my own
shorts