So since you can't travel, I came up
with a segment that is going to show you
why that's a good thing.
I went to TripAdvisor where you can leave hotel reviews,
and I looked for the worst reviews that I could find.
It's a brand new segment I'm calling "Don't Go There."
Let's see, I should get my glasses.
Which I didn't --
I gotta get my glasses.
Sorry.
[BANGING]
I'm hearing noise in my ear now.
Audio, I'm hearing like banging.
Yeah, I had to go find my glasses,
and they were up on a shelf.
OK.
I got it.
OK.
Thank you.
There's no need for you to chime in though.
Thank you.
OK, we can edit that out.
All right, this is a review of a hotel in Detroit.
"I stayed here for two nights and found four wasps
on the first-- that's a hard word to say, "wasps."
"Wasps."
"I stayed here for two nights and found four wasps
on the first day, only to find an actual wasp
nest in the curtain of my room.
When I went to the front desk, they said 'they cannot
guarantee there won't be wasps in any other rooms'".
See?
This is probably making you feel better already.
Unless you have more than four wasps in your house right now,
this is a good hotel.
This is a review of a hotel in Toronto.
"The rooms were about what I expected for the price.
However, the sheets seemed as though they
hadn't been washed in months.
And the word 'run' was carved into the broken dresser."
Someone took the time to carve "run" into the dresser.
Although that doesn't have to be a bad thing really.
Maybe they were trying to write this room is a home run
and then they got tired.
Although now that I think about it, whey would
they start with the word "run"?
Why am I trying to make this hotel better than it is.
It's obviously a terrible hotel.
"Run" in the dresser.
Can you imagine, "tWitch" You're laying in bed and--
This is a review of a hotel in Cancun.
"When I got to my room, I saw something on the floor.
I got closer, and it was a lizard--
in giant caps, LIZARD--
I have a huge phobia of lizards.
So I called the front desk and they moved my room.
When we arrived in my new room, another lizard,
three times the size of the first,
was at the top of my door.
I was up all night.
Eventually, I fell asleep, but then
when I woke up there was a lizard in my bed.
You know what keeps lizards away?
Wasps.
I assume.
I mean, the person in the wasp hotel never saw a lizard,
so I rest my case.
Hey, you got a little doggy there.
My little Chihuahua.
Sweet doggy.
All right, one more.
And finally there's a review of a guest
of an apartment in Spain.
"Liked-- location.
Disliked-- naked old man on balcony."
Apparently every room has a view of downtown
because the man was naked, and I have
to say "downtown" instead of "penis"
because it's a daytime show.
You know, I like explaining the jokes.
It really helps pass the time.
All right, hopefully that makes you feel better
about not going anywhere.