- Who drove here today? Anybody driving here today?
[cheers] Yeah.
[cheers]
So did I, and I--you know.
See, I'm driving to work today, and I--
Here, I want to show you what I saw.
It was really exciting. I'm driving.
You can imagine my excitement when the car in front of me
had this bumper sticker on it.
Look at that!
[laughter and applause]
[cheers and applause]
It's a little blurry 'cause I was driving really, really fast,
so, uh-- [laughter]
No, I didn't take a picture when I was driving.
That'd be dangerous.
I was stopped. But then I thought,
"Wow, there's someone with my last name and Oprah's last name
running for Vice President and President of the United States."
It's exciting.
And then, ah, no.
It was really somebody's wishful thinking,
and so, I'm flattered that someone thought of that,
and then I was like, "How dare you?"
Really, I can't be President How come she's President?
and I'm Vice President?
[laughter]
I could be President. I was the president
of the Squirrels and Bird Association of Metarie, LA
when I was seven years old.
[cheers and applause]
In my backyard.
[cheers and applause]
I was overthrown by a squirrel named Lars,
but that's not the point.
I'm flattered that people would tr--
I mean, what a wonderful thing
that somebody would trust me to run the country,
but if I want real power in changing people's lives,
I think I should stay right here.
I think that's the best thing to do.
[cheers and applause]
Spread love...
and joy...
but I have to admit, when I saw that bumper sticker,
I couldn't help but think
what a day as President would be like.
I would imagine it would be something like this.
[harp music]
["Hail To The Chief" plays]
Yes.
[cheers and applause]
Yes, President DeGeneres here, yes.
No! Yes, very urgent.
Absolutely not. No onions, no.
And dressing on the side.
Thank you very much.
All right, let's see, laws!
The laws under my presidency.
Uh...uh...
The official animal of America will be the baby goat.
[laughter]
And, ah, let's see.
As of today, your horn--
That's right, if you honk your horn the second after
the light turns green, you lose your privilege to drive.
[cheers and applause]
Right.
From henceforth on, it shall be illegal to enter a Starbucks
unless you already know your order, that's right.
[cheers and applause]
Furthermore, if I watch "The Bachelor Tells All"
and The Bachelor does not tell all in fact,
he will be arrested, 'cause ain't nobody got time for that.
[cheers and applause]
Yes...
And finally... it's now against the law
to sing "Let It Go" in public.
If a person is caught doing so,
their bank accounts will be frozen.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
[cheers and applause] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Fair and funny. Okay...
I'm good at this job.
[beep]
Uh, Craig? Could you send in Andy
for his 1:00 briefing?
(over speaker) - Right away, ma'am.
[laughter] - Andy...
[laughter]
You have been briefed. Thank you.
- Thank you, Madame President.
[cheers and applause]
[beep] - Craig, can you send in
the other Andy for his 1:01 p.m. briefing?
(over speaker) - Right away, ma'am.
- Hi. - Hi.
- You called-- [laughs]
- Really smooth. I just received a letter,
and uh, this is from my secretary,
and I would like you to read it out loud for me,
because I have not read it yet
and I'd like you to read it to me, please.
- Okay. - Out loud, and please project.
- "A hoarder named Porter
"ordered 44 Ecuadorian quarters,
"to Fort-- A hoarder named Porter
"ordered 44 Ecuadorian quarters
to Fort Lauderdale, Florida." - Thank you.
"And here is the information you've requested
(laughing) on our nation's penal code."
[laughter]
"The penal code is a--" [laughs]
- How old are you?
[laughter]
- "The pe--" [laughs]
"The penal code is a set of penal laws
and which, if broken, will result in moderate to severe
penalization."
- Thank you. [laughter]
Thank you. Please leave me.
- I'm gonna go. - Thank you, all right.
Thank you. All right, let's see.
[cheers and applause]
Ah!
I have made new laws, check!
I have briefed Andys, check.
Ah, "set presidential TV to record 'Scandal.'"
That is correct. That's what I need to do.
Where is my-- Here's my remote.
All right.
Uh oh.
Seems to be broken.
Craig, my TV is broken again.
Please send someone in to fix it.
I need a fixer.
[knocking on door]
Yes, please come in.
[cheers and applause]
- Madame President.
I hear you're having problems with your television.
- Yes, yes, I need you to fix it.
Can you fix it? - Well, since I'm here,
I'll fix it.
[ding] Where's your TV?
- It's over there, you see it? - Yeah.
Okay, fixed. [ding]
- Okay. - I also set it for the Oscars,
'cause I'm presenting again this Sunday.
- Oh, well, congratulations on that.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you so much.
- So, Madame President... - Yes?
- I feel that the best thing--
unless you need something else from me--
- No. - I think the best thing
for this country, truly, would be if you would...dance.
- Oh! Well, then, I shall do so.