Hello I m Darren Magee and welcome to my mental health information and awareness channel.
Today s video is looking at seven signs of a healthy relationship,
so this relationship could be with a partner, could be with a friend and work colleague.
It could be a professional relationship every bit as much as a romantic relationship, okay?
So here are seven signs of a healthy relationship. Number one boundaries are respected.
They might not necessarily be agreed with, but they are respected, they are validated and that
works both ways, from both parties. It's not just one person demand that their boundaries
are respected because that's not respect, that s obedience, okay? It has to go both ways. Now
boundaries were just two people recognising each others limits, their values, that past,
their personal space or privacy. Respecting each other's privacy is not about keeping secrets,
because I've often heard, and I'm sure you have too, things like, Well, if you've got nothing
to hide. That's not necessarily so. When I hear things like, I often say, Well, when you're in the
bathroom, do you close the door? Why? What are you doing in there? What have you got to hide? Okay,
It's respecting each other's space. So that was number one, respect for each others boundaries.
Number two, we don't lose ourselves in the relationship. Yes, we can pour a lot into it. Yes,
we can pour a lot of ourselves into it, yes, we can learn, adapt, change, but we don't necessarily
lose ourselves in that relationship. We don't keep on compromising, giving it until there's
nothing left of our core selves, nothing left of our own identity, own self respect. Number three,
we can disagree. We can agree to disagree, and we can argue, but it doesn't have to become a fight,
because let's be honest, we can't be on the same page all the time. Sometimes we're not even in
the same book, but we can actively listen to the other person, validate them. Now when we validate
someone, we're not necessarily agreeing. We're not even always fully understanding. But all we're
saying is I care enough to hear how it is for you. When it's the same argument all the time, or
the same recurring pattern of, you know, You did this, Well, what about you? You did that. That's
often a sign that nothing is being resolved, and if nothing is being resolved it s because we're
often approaching an argument or disagreement with this idea of win - lose. Who wins? Who gets
the last word? Who puts the other one in their place? Who gets to walk off John Wayne style?
When we approach disagreements and arguments like that, I often think they're doomed to failure.
Because something to think about, something to think about is getting the last word
doesn't make you right. All it means is she got the other person to shut up.
That resolves nothing, and that energy is still there for the next time.
Stonewalling, that doesn't help either, because all we're really doing is withdrawing. We re
actually punishing the other person. You know, I m going to give you the silent treatment
until you give in and agree that I'm right. So in a healthy relationship,
when we disagree, when we are ready, if we take the approach of win - win,
we're looking for the preferred outcome. We're looking at preferred behaviour. You know,
we're actively listening to what's being said. We're prepared to, were prepared to be wrong
on our part, because we can't be right all the time. It's about responding rather than reacting,
fixing, not blaming, problem solving, not fault finding, healing, not harming. Sign number four,
there is encouragement, not discouragement. Now one person may have reservations, concerns,
an experience in something. Voice them, articulate them, but it doesn't have
to be in a judgmental way. If it's a romantic relationship or, or even with a work colleague,
remember, you're supposed to be on the same team, the same side. Encourage, offer assistance.
Don't take it off and try and do it for them, bask in their glory. You ask questions like,
What do you need? How could I help? Not statements like What do you think you're doing? Get someone
else to do that they know more than you. I know what you're like. Number five, have realistic
expectations of yourself, and the other person. Now things like, I should this, I should that.
Sometimes we expect the other person to be clairvoyant, they expect us to be mind readers,
whatever. But we're not. If you really knew me you would not have done that, if you really knew
me you d know what I was thinking right now. How are you possibly supposed to do that? And
often in relationships we have an idealised version of what that other person should be,
and the truth is, the real very rarely meets the ideal because people are flawed they re fallible.
And when someone doesn't meet that idealised version we have and we don't meet that idealised
version of that they've created we tend to get very angry. We tend to get very frustrated as if
there's something wrong with them. Okay so next one, are your needs being met? Are theirs? Often
when I'm working with couples or even just talking to friends, whatever, we hear things like, I'm far
too needy. He's far too needy, she's far too needy whatever. I often say you re only ever as needy
as your needs that aren't being met. But that is different from our demands, okay? That's something
different. We need to feel heard. We need to feel understood, respected. We need to have
others reflect us, to mirror us and at our very core I think why we get into relationships. We're
social creatures, At our our very core we have this need to feel significant to someone else.
And when we feel significant to someone who is very significant to us,
oh the world s a lovely place, there's no touching you. It's, everything's absolutely marvellous.
Now, if only one person's needs were being met. If only one person is getting their way, if
the other person is constantly compromising, giving in, that's, that's not really compromise,
that s just giving in, that's giving the other party your own needs aren't being met.
If our basic emotional intellectual, never mind physical or sexual needs aren't being met,
it's not necessarily a selfish question to ask, What's going on here, what's in this for me? Why
am I continually giving in? Here's, here's a real life example. I remember being in a relationship
with someone many years ago when things weren't really working between the two of us.
It wasn't really a healthy place to be and, and we were discussing this and I remember her saying to
me, Well, here's what I need from you. I want this from you. I need that, you should be like this and
you have to do the other thing and so on and so on. And I listened and I asked, well first of all,
I thought I was doing that, but maybe I'm not doing it well enough or whatever. So I asked Well,
if I do that what do I get in return? And her response was,
Nothing. You do that, you do that unconditionally because you love me.
And that's what love is. You have to do these things unconditionally.
So I have the meet all these conditions and so on and expect nothing back? Well, it's fair to say
I'm no longer with that person. In spite of all the love songs you never danced to her, whatever,
love is not unconditional, there are conditions. But those conditions are on both sides. And we
made them by discussing them, compromising and accommodating. Now the last sign of a healthy
relationship. And again, this could be with anyone, family member, parent partner, whatever,
there is safety, okay? There is no fear of the other persons reaction. You don't have to monitor
your behaviour. You don't have to feel as if you're on egg shells all the time. You don't
have to feel like you're navigating a minefield. You're not dreading their reaction to something.
A healthy relationship is a safe, nurturing place to be. Will always be something in it for you,
and for the other person. And it's because you are both contributing okay? Now you don't have to like
how it feels to have a difficult conversation. I often say there's no such thing as a good
time for a difficult conversation. We keep putting these things, calling someone out
on something or admitting to something that we have done, it doesn't have to feel good.
We may not want to hurt the other person, but we can feel safe to do it in a way that doesn't feel
personalised, judgmental, overly critical. Both parties can feel safe to be embarrassed but not
be fearful of being shamed. So there are seven signs of a healthy relationship. Like I said,
being very general with these or many more things like acceptance of the past, forgiveness and so
on. I'm sure others have different experiences or beliefs. Please feel free to mention him in
the comment box below. And if there's any topics you like me to cover in the future,
again mention them in the comment box below. Please subscribe to my channel for future
mental health information and awareness topics and updates. Thanks for watching.