- Ooh, a common mistakes in relationship couples make.
This a pretty good question from Luke.
"Hey Dan and Jennie, I was wondering if you guys
"could talk about your thoughts and opinions
"on victimizing yourself to make the other
"significant other feel bad.
"I went through this and it wasn't till
"a year and a half ago that my self-awareness
"clicked and I realized that I was wrongful doing this
"maybe ways of to manage yourself
"so that you can own up to it.
"Very curious and look forward to your next video"
(upbeat music)
So why do people victimize themselves
in relationships to,
to get love?
Or to try to make the other party love you?
- I think it goes back to when you were very young.
Imagine,
consciously, you are doing something wrong
to get your parents attention.
For baby to cry, or for them to spill the milk.
Or maybe put the toys everywhere.
So their parents could pay a little
more attention to them, right?
Growing up older, if you want a craving
for more attention, some people do drugs.
Some people do suicidals, and then some people
do something hurting themselves anything.
It's deep inside of them, it's they are
craving for attention and love.
So it goes back to when you are growing older and older
now you're maturing, at the other partner
you're craving for this love again.
So you're repeating this same behavior
when you were very young.
- Mmm. And all this I think comes
from insecurity. - Yes.
- It should, it comes from insecurity.
Because you don't believe you are good enough.
That for them to love you so you gotta,
I don't know, I don't know,
Luke when you're saying victimize yourself,
I hope you're not doing anything
physically harmful to yourself.
That it's only verbal.
That, I hope you're not like cutting yourself
or anything like that, I'm not sure.
I'm not aware of the whole situation.
But people do that.
Because that's, oh now suddenly you are using guilt.
- Mmm yes. - You're using guilt to make
them pay attention to you.
Using guilt to make them stay with you, right?
If you know that "Oh my God, she or he is
"gonna break up with me, I gotta hurt myself.
"I gotta do something bad, so that
they would pay attention and now they won't leave me."
I can tell you, that doesn't last.
- And that's, it's not love.
- That's not love.
That's the opposite of love. - Yeah.
You are not giving the other party love
and they are not giving you love back.
- That is pity. - Yes.
- That is just pity, that's like guilt.
And if you build your relationship on pity and guilt,
it's for sure is not healthy.
Although they're physically there,
they might be there to care you enough,
they've been with you long enough
that they're there for you.
But that's not love.
And it's just like Jennie always said,
"You wanna be together, because you want to be together.
"Not because you need to be together.
"Not because you're obligated to be together.
"Not because of the guilt that you're together.
"Not because your parents want you to be together.
"Not to please the people around you."
None of that.
You want to be together, be together because
you choose to be together.
I think that's the key, right? - Mmm.
- So I think victimizing, and unfortunately,
like you said there Jennie is the way they grew up.
Chances are they weren't getting enough love.
- From the parents. - From the parents.
- And-- - This has to go back
to your childhood, you have to heal yourself,
the wound from your childhood.
- You gotta heal yourself the wounds first.
And maybe it could be seeing a therapist.
You could be going through personal development.
- Yes. - You gotta heal those inner
wounds, so you are a healthy person, mentally.
Right? Your whole sum person,
then when you date it's much better,
and you don't bring this stuff to the next relationship.
You know that sometimes people, they date someone.
And they broke up. - Hmm.
- And then they meet the next,
I've got a friend of mine, a funny story.
Successful guy.
So he got married once.
And before he got married with the wife,
everything was good, so sweet.
- Mmm. - Right, very sweet,
honeymoon time awesome.
They got married, about six month later he was saying,
"Oh my gosh she changed!" - Hmm?
- "She wasn't the person that I was dating,
"like now she's so bitchy." - Oh.
- "She's this and that and all this stuff."
Shortly after that, they just got divorced.
- Hmm. - And then he met another
woman, awesome they met in a different place.
He moved to a different city.
He thought, "This is it, she's the one for me."
They got married, six months later same complaint.
"She is just like the first one!"
- Oh. - "Just like the first one.
"Somehow, like all the woman the same,
"what is going on, I don't get it!"
- I think it's this guys problem.
- Right? - Not the woman's problem.
- Guess what? Got divorce.
Third marriage. - Third marriage.
- Same thing. - Mmm.
- Six months later complain,
"She is even worse than the first one!
"What the heck is going on!"
Four time. He got marry four time.
And divorce four times, right?
- Wow.
- And then I said to him, I said,
Man I don't think it's the womans' issue.
It is your issue.
Somehow you are attracting these,
relationships you're attracting,
cause you're the one that date them.
You're the one that dated them.
You're the one that asked them on a date.
You're the one that asked them to marry you.
And somehow all four of them
magically turn out the same way?
- Behave the same way? - It is your fucking problem.
- It is your problem, you attract them in the first place.
You brought them into your life.
And that's why I don't even know,
there's something missing from my friend, right?
- Mmm. - Internal, the way
he grew up, right something about him.
It's just the way it is.
And now it gets even more complex
is that he actually had a couple kids
with the different wife.
- Oh. - So now it gets very
complex you can imagine a whole relationship
and one of the wives actually works for him.
It's the assistant and then the--
- What? - It's messy.
You can just imagine, it's a mess.
- Mmm. - It's big mess,
it's not good, it is not good.
And he's not a happy guy.
He's not a happy guy, because he lost
confidence in relationship.
- Of course.
- So versus, looking within and work on himself, right?
- This many relationship just gonna
basically fuck up your life. (laughs)
- You just imagine. The kids all of that.
Different wife, different cities.
And also the kids, the age it's like,
some are like babies, some are like 10 years old.
- Oh my God. - It's a big gap.
It's messy, like he's stressed out.
He's still a very smart businessman,
but somehow when it comes to relationship not so smart.
- Mmm. - Not so smart, right.
And I will say you got to manage,
and one of the comment from the
other videos that we made.
We've talk about the four stages, right?
- Mmm. - I know you love that,
it's first you gotta manage yourself.
Master yourself, it means also master your emotions, right.
Being the healthy person mentally.
Second, then you can manage your family.
- Family. - Manage your kids,
your household, right.
And then third, you can build your empire.
And fourth, you can conquer the world.
In that order.
When people want to try the conquer the world,
they try to build the empire,
in this case my friend.
But he cannot even manage his family,
he cannot manage himself.
That's the issue.
It's from here, from here, there and there.
- Mmm. - Right, the four stages.
So there you go, a common mistake in relationships.
That couples make. - I mean there are a lot
more mistakes probably,
if there are other mistakes you want us to cover
in the future,
or let us know what challenges you have.
If you don't mind like to be, just be a little bit
more open to kind of get a bit more personal.
Comment below and let us know.
- Yeah, we love to help you. - Yeah if we could help you
in some way, you can make a video.
If it helps in any kind of way.
I mean we are happy to do it. We're truly happy to do it.
Give us a thumbs up and click on the subscribe button.
If it first time you're watching a video.
Or if you've watched my videos for some time
but you just forgot to subscribe.
Subscribe, cause we upload a new video every single day.
We upload a new Alpha Man, Smart Woman every single week.
So you don't want to miss any episode.
If you're getting any value from it at all.
Also, check out our other videos on your right side.
Right there, you can check our playlist.
Until next time I hope Luke,
watch this video and got the lesson,
that's not how you get love.
Luke, that's not how you get love.
Stop victimizing yourself, don't do that.
Until next time, behind every successful man
there is a...
- Smarter woman.
- I'll see you next episode.