She would hit me up on Instagram to come out after the show.
She was with five girlfriends.
I just show up, and they all have tattoos,
and they're talking about the bartender's micro-penis.
I was like, "Yeah, that sucks for him,
like this little dick guy." You know what I mean.
Girls, if you wanna know if a guy has a ...
what kind of dick a guy has,
insult a guy with a small dick in front of him
and see how angry he gets.
We'll make for sure we're testing Andrew by that.
It's the same thing with vaginas.
When I dated a guy who referred to a girl he dated as having ...
one of her labias were longer than the other
so he called Stroke Pussy.
The worst person.
It's to me, kind of joking about it.
Did you get angry?
Not at him, I was just like, "Ha ha ha ha ha.
I'm never showing you mine,"
which I eventually definitely did.
Yeah, she taught him.
At least mine has a stroke on both sides.
So you got mad because they were making fun of your penis.
I was like, "How dare you say about us.
We are good people. We're good people.
We'll go down on you.
We'll finger you. We'll love you."
Did they take you to a strip bar 'cause that's all of Portland.
That is all of Portland. I never went to ...
No, I didn't go to one.
But, no, they ended up going into a photo booth
and taking pictures of their own tits
and giving it to me, as like, "Here."
Like as an appreciation. I think I probably could have-
That's like the ... in Hawaii when you get like a lei.
That's what they do in Portland.
They go into a photo booth, they shove their tits up-
Of their tattooed tits.
Everyone has tattoos there. It's very earth-toned.
How do you feel about that?
I like it. I don't know, sometimes ...
Or, at least, I used to look at
when someone would have a ton of tattoos as dirty.
I'd be like,
"Oh no, they probably have all the STDs."
That would go through my head. But now, since I have them all,
I'm like, "Yeah, these are pretty cool."
It was pretty cool. Maybe I'll get a tattoo now.
I know guys that only wanna date girls with tattoos.
Yeah, that's 'cause their mom had tattoos.
-No. -Yes.
My mom thing doesn't really check out there.
No, that was the best when I go my mom has COPD.
She has emphysema.
You're like, "You wanna date someone like your mom."
I was like, "Yeah, like a scuba diver."
Some of us sleep apnea
Someone that also has a tank.
I have to explain. Yeah, your mom has a tank.
People don't know that people with emphysema have tanks.
Oh, really.
Yeah, you have to like bridge that jump.
Yeah, my mom has really bad emphysema.
Okay. So your joke ...
I'm helping him write a joke 'cause he ...
I was like, "Every dates ... Men always go after their moms."
So his mom has emphysema so he should say that,
'So, my mom has an oxygen ...."
You have to say she has an oxygen tank,
and then go to the scuba.
Yes, my mom has an oxygen tank. She's always on oxygen.
She has a tank with a tube.
Right. So I've been dating a lot of scuba divers.
I'm like, "Can you wear it to dinner?"
That is great. That's great.
The problem is they're never on land.
Yeah. Yeah.
Come on. Come out and look.
You gotta look at another fucking reef, really.
All of his dates have to happen in the ocean
just so these women can remind him of his mom.
That's great.
I like tattoos on guys when they don't ...
when they're mistakes.
When they're like, "Yeah, I got this when I was 18.
It means nothing. It literally means nothing.
I don't know why I got it. My buddy ...."
I like bad stories with tattoos.
Not intentionally bad where they're like,
"It's a joke we got."
But like, truly it meant something to them at one time
and now it's so humiliating.
It's like wearing a TBT on you constantly,
a reminder of when you were lame,
and you weren't cool. You know what I mean?
Yeah.
I like that, but I don't like fresh tattoos with new meanings.
Or if somebody ... Yeah, I told you about the guy
I went out that had the broccoli tattoo.
Yeah, that's pretty gross. Actually, I'll take that back.
Adam Levine last night at the Superbowl, I dug his-
I love it. Sleeves. Does he have sleeves?
I dug everything.
I know everyone was so not into that,
but Adam Levine is so hot.
But what about if you have sleeves and stuff,
and then you're an accountant.
I feel like there's a lot of people in Brooklyn
that are like, "Oh, I'm tattoo arm rugged ...."
It says something about who are.
Oh, my God. For sure.
Look at Adam Levine. Wow.
I mean, California, across the stomach.
He's got a lot of tattos
Some guy did a name ... some like, fat guy
in the Midwest just did one and wrote Illinois
across his and took a ... It's been going around.
What about Bieber? Bieber is covered now.
To me, it just says you probably would have cut in another world.
Like, it's a form of cutting.
I know that a lot of people get tattoos for the pain of it,
that's why it'd be appealing to me.
I think I would like the pain of it.
Some people get off on that.
I think that's why a lot of people can't stop getting them.
But also, there's gotta be case studies
about people that get tattoos and mentally how different
they are than people who choose not to.
I don't know. I got my ...
What's the closest to a tattoo thing you've done?
You have to do something rebellious.
I used to pick really, a lot of certain parts of my skin,
or pull hair out, like a OCD, pain thing.
Okay. You had trichotillomania.
A tiny bit, yeah.
Oh, wow.
For short periods of time when I was a kid.
A lot of people do.
Not trichotillomania so much as pressing pressure points
and hurting my skin.
It had to be ... I've never talked about this.
Here, here, until it would almost bleed,
or chewing parts of my mouth, and then I'd stop.
It was always ...
Sometimes I'll get into that again.
So many people do that.
I mean, the more that I have female friendships in adult life
and we're getting further away from the stuff we did as teens,
like more of it's coming out.
Woman are becoming more comfortable talking about like,
"Yeah, I picked out all of my hair when I was 17."
Or, they're currently doing it.
A lot of people have these things ...
I don't think the picking out your hair is as ...
People can be more open about eating disorders than that,
at this point. But I hear you.
I know a lot of you are out there.
It's never been my thing, but it could've been my thing.
I don't judge that at all,
but that is a thing that girls do a lot.
I only cut once after I got caught shoplifting.
I was just like so mad at myself and I wanted to punish myself.
I understood cutting in that moment.
So that to me, I get it.
But tattoos, yeah.
I've just never had anything that I just care enough about.
You know, I think that's the classic thing,
that reason people give that they don't get tattoos.
But I got my nose pierced when I was 18.
Oh, really.
Yeah. Septum. No, side.
Side because I knew-
How long did you keep it in?
I researched it and I knew that ...
I have enough acne scars there that it would just ...
the worst, it would look like an ...
It would just blend in, so who cares.
It's not gonna be a ... I knew that there was an out.
I really liked the Ankh symbol, the Egyptian Ankh symbol,
which kind of looks like a female symbol when I was 14-18.
Thank God I didn't get it tattooed
because I wanted a big one on my ankle,
but I also sort of thought ...
I was judgemental about tattoos so I never did it.
Yeah, I think its-
And I'm glad. I got this pierced ...
like the top of my ear.
I thought that was really rebellious.
That is so- Does that hurt?
And then it got infected.
I thought how I felt horribly that it was connected to my ear.
And then my dad was like, "Yeah, you're right."
I think he was just saying that because he didn't-
What do you mean it's connected? What are you talking about?
It's connected to your ear.
Like, so it got a little infected
and then I didn't feel healthy. So then I connected-
Andrew T. sleeps in logic in his stories
'cause he's gone there, but you ...
He doesn't walk you to where he's going.
Do you mean that you got the flu or something,
and or an ear infection?
Yeah, I just was feeling off.
Oh, like an ear canal infection.
I don't now. It was infected on the top of my ear.
And then I started to feel sick.
He's a hypochondriac.
Oh, you're body.
But then I connected it to the ear,
but it was probably just I had the sniffles.
You know what I mean? You're right.
But then when I told my dad, who's a doctor, he was like,
"Yeah, you're probably right."
I think he didn't want the freaking ear ring.
He didn't want his son to have an earring
on the top of his ear.
Yeah.
There's a joke there too, somewhere.
What? Nikki can help you develop it.
No, no, no. I think.
He's got it.
I like it.
Am I here. I think I'm here.