BUT FIRST, AND THIS IS NOT EASY TO SAY, WE HAVE AN APOLOGY TO
MAKE.
THIS IS A LATE-NIGHT SHOW.
WHICH MEANS THIS SHOW IS PRETTY MUCH A NEWS SHOW.
IT'S THE NEWS.
YOU KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T BELIEVE I'M EXAGGERATING
WHEN I SAY WE'RE THE CROWN JEWEL IN THE CBS NEWS EMPIRE.
RIGHT, REG?
THANK YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) WE KNOW THAT YOU COME HERE FOR
UNVARNISHED FACTS.
IT'S WHAT YOU DESERVE.
AND I REGRET TO SAY THAT WE GOT ONE WRONG, AND FOR THAT WE ARE
DEEPLY SORRY.
LAST WEEK, YOU MAY REMEMBER WE TOLD YOU THIS -- BIDEN IS MAKING
SOME OTHER CHANGES AS WELL, HE APPARENTLY HAS REMOVED DONALD
TRUMP'S DIET COKE BUTTON FROM THE OVAL OFFICE.
>> AH!
>> James: AND IT FALLS ON ME TO INFORM YOU THAT ISN'T TRUE.
PRESIDENT BIDEN DID NOT IN FACT REMOVE TRUMP'S DIET COKE BUTTON.
I ASSURE YOU THE PERSON WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS HAS BEEN
FIRED.
THEY WILL NEVER WORK IN HOLLYWOOD AGAIN.
( LAUGHTER ) STEVE, WE'RE GOING TO MISS YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) GREAT RUN.
BUT THE WHITE HOUSE CLARIFIED THAT THE SO-CALLED USHER BUTTON
IS NOT GONE FROM HIS DESK, BUT
WOULDN'T SAY WHAT BIDEN WILL USE IT FOR.
YOU KNOW WHAT HE SHOULD USE IT FOR?
HE SHOULD USE IT FOR USHER.
HOW COOL WOULD IT BE IF A WORLD LEADER WAS LIKE, "DO YOU AGREE
TO THIS TREATY?" AND BIDEN WAS LIKE...
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
( LAUGHTER ) WHILE WE'RE MAKING CORRECTIONS
I ALSO SAID LAST NIGHT THAT WE HAD A GREAT SHOW PLANNED FOR
YOU -- ( LAUGHTER )
IT WAS FINE.
( LAUGHTER ) MOVING ON, EARLIER TODAY, ALL
100 SENATORS WERE SWORN IN AS JURORS FOR DONALD TRUMP'S
UPCOMING IMPEACHMENT TRIAL, WHICH STARTS ON FEBRUARY 8.
THE TRIAL IS TO DETERMINE IF THE ATTACK ON THE CAPITOL BY
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WEARING FLAGS AND HATS THAT SAID "TRUMP"
IS THE FAULT OF-- GET THIS-- TRUMP.
BUT HONESTLY, I THINK I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE WHEN I SAY THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE HUNGRY FOR JUSTICE RIGHT NOW.
AND I DON'T CARE IF IT'S TRUMP, OR VICTORIA FROM "THE BACHELOR,"
BUT SOMEONE NEEDS TO PAY FOR THEIR ACTIONS.
THE TRIAL STARTS FEBRUARY 8 I STRUGGLE WITH THE WORD
FEBRUARY.
I NEVER KNOW QUITE TO DO.
>> Reggie: I WANT TO SAY FEBRUARY (PRONOUNCING THE R).
>> James: SOMETIMES I JUST GO FEBRUARY -- HOW TO YOU SAY IT,
AVO.
>> I'M A BIG FEB GUY.
I'M A FEB BOY.
>> James: FEB14.
YEAH.
>> James: THAT'S SO SMART.
I'M ALL FEB.
>> Reggie: NOW YOU KNOW HOW JON FAVREAU HAD TO DEAL WITH A
LOT OF PEOPLE PRONOUNCING HIS NAME.
>> HOW ELSE WOULD YOU PRONOUNCE THAT?
( REGGIE PRONOUNCING ) >> James: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
JON FAVREAU DEEJAY?
>> Reggie: NO.
>> James: OH, MY GOD HE IS THE GREATEST DEEJAY I HAVE EVER
WITNESSED, AND YOU KNOW I'M NEVER NOT IN THE CLUB, RIGHT?
>> TOTALLY, YEP.
>> James: PRIX COVID, POST-COVID, THAT'S WHERE YOU
WILL FIND ME, I WILL BE IN THE CLUB POPPING BOTTLES.
JON FAVREAU, I WAS AT A PARTY AFTER THE GRAMMYS A FEW YEARS
AGO AND I WAS STILL CHATTING AND SONG AFTER SONG AFTER SONG, IT
WAS BANGER, HE WAS FLIPPING THINGS, AND I'VE NEVER SAID THIS
IN MY LIFE BEFORE, I SAID, I'M SO SORRY, I'VE GOT TO GO SEE WHO
THIS DEEJAY WAS.
I WALKED THROUGH A PACKED BUNCH OF PEOPLE AND FOUND THE DEEJAY
BOOTH, IT WAS FAVREAU SPINNING WAX, IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE!
( LAUGHTER ) I SAID WERE YOU DEEJAY ON THE
SHOW?
AND HE SAID, NO, MAN, IT'S JUST FOR ME.
MADE ME LOVE HIM ETCH MORE.
JUST IN ANOTHER WORLD.
I LOOK AT ME AND THEN AT FAVREAU AND I THINK, YOU'VE ACHIEVED
NOTHING, JAMES.
I CAN'T DEEJAY, I CAN'T COOK THAT WELL -- NOT AS WELL AS HIM.
WELL, I'M GLAD WE WENT DOWN THIS ROAD.
( LAUGHTER ) JOHN, IF YOU'RE WATCHING, I KNOW
YOU ARE, NEVER MISS AN EPISODE.
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK I CAN SAFELY SAY WE
WOULD LOVE JON FAVREAU TO COME SPIN SOME WAX ONE NIGHT,
WOULDN'T WE?
>> Reggie: OH, YEAH.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> James: IN AND OUT, IN AND
OUT, AND I WOULD SAY WE CAN'T AFFORD TO CLEAR THAT SONG, JOHN,
HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING ELSE?
( LAUGHTER ) SO FEBRUARY.
THE TRIAL STARTS FEBRUARY 8 THE DAY AFTER THE SUPER BOWL.
WHICH MEANS THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE CHUCK SCHUMER'S GOING TO
SHOW UP TO THE TRIAL LIKE THIS: ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, SENATE MINORITY LEADER -- HOW GREAT IS IT SAYING
THAT?
SENATE MINORITY LEADER MITCH McCONNELL HAS
DROPPED HIS DEMAND THAT DEMOCRATS COMMIT TO PRESERVING
THE FILIBUSTER, WHICH WILL NOW MAKE IT EASIER FOR THE TWO
PARTIES TO SHARE POWER TOGETHER.
MCCONNELL COMPROMISED WHEN CHUCK SCHUMER OFFERED HIM AN EXTRA TWO
HOURS A DAY UNDER THE SUNLAMP IN HIS TERRARIUM.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT JOKE FLEW FAR BETTER THAN I
THOUGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) IN OTHER NEWS, ACCORDING TO
RECENT REPORTS, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION IS LOOKING TO
SPEED UP THE RELEASE OF NEW $20 BILLS FEATURING HARRIET
TUBMAN.
TUBMAN WOULD REPLACE FORMER PROBLEMATIC PRESIDENT ANDREW
JACKSON ON THE 20.
BIDEN'S LOOKING TO REPLACE A PROBLEMATIC WHITE MAN WITH AN
INSPIRING BLACK WOMAN.
HE'S ALREADY DONE IT WITH MIKE PENCE, WHY NOT?
I FEEL LIKE EVERY FEW YEARS WE SHOULD BE CYCLING NEW PEOPLE ON
CURRENCY, JUST TO KEEP LIFE INTERESTING.
HOW COOL WOULD IT BE TO ONE DAY WALK INTO A CAR DEALERSHIP AND
SAY, "I'M GOING TO BUY THAT CAR AND I'M GOING TO PAY FOR IT IN
ALL TED DANSONS."
( LAUGHTER ) A NASAL SPRAY THAT BLOCKS
COVID 19 COULD REPLY BE AVAILABL OVER-THE-COUNTER BY SUMMER.
FINALLY AN OPTION FOR THE MAN WHO REFUSES TO PULL THE MASK UP
OVER HIS NOSE.
IT IS EXCITING, A NASAL SPRAY, THIS MEANS PEOPLE MIGHT FINALLY
BE ABLE TO DATE PHENAND NOTHING CAN PUT YOUR PARTNER IN THE MOOD
LIKE, CAN WE GO UPSTAIRS?
SURE.
HOLD ON, BABE -- ( SNORING )
YOU GET CHANGE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( SNORING )
JUST WANT TO BE SAFE.
I'M FEELING HORNY.
( LAUGHTER ) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS?
DOCTORS ARE WARNING PEOPLE AGAINST A NEW BEAUTY CRAZE
STARTED BY A TIKTOK INFLUENCER, WHERE YOU SMOTHER YOUR LIPS WITH
CHEAP, OVER-THE-COUNTER "ERECTION CREAM" TO MAKE THEM
LOOK BIGGER.
TALK ABOUT A STIFF UPPER LIP.
( RIM SHOT ) THIS IS CRAZY.
WHO WOULD PUT CHEAP OVER-THE-COUNTER ERECTION CREAM
ON THEIR LIPS?
WHERE WOULD YOU EVEN GET SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
AND THEY SAY IT DOESN'T PRIOR A PRESCRIPTION, AND IT'S
AFFORDABLE.
AND IT'S AFFORDABLE?
WHERE EXACTLY ARE THEY SELLING IT?
I WOULD LOVE TO JUST GO DOWN AND WARN PEOPLE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, THIS IS FUN.
A WOMAN RETURNED HOME TO THE U.K. AFTER VISITING -- ERECTION
CREAM, YOU PUT IT ON BEFORE YOU'VE GOT AN ERECTION OR DOES
IT PROLONG THE ERECTION?
>> Reggie: I THINK IT PROLONGS IT BECAUSE IT WOULD BE REALLY
WEIRD -- NO -- YEAH, I THINK YOU OBTAIN -- YOU GET AN ERECTION,
YOU PAY FOR IT, IT APPEARS, AND THEN YOU PUT THE SALVE ON THE --
>> James: YOU PUT IT ON THE ERECTION.
>> Reggie: RIGHT, IT REDUCES SENSITIVITY AND YOU'RE READY TO
GO.
>> James: AND HOW LONG DOES IT LAST, REG, BECAUSE YOU SEEM TO
KNOW A LOT ABOUT IT.
>> Reggie: I USE IT ALL THE TIME.
>> James: REALLY.
>> Reggie: THE MINIMUM YOU NEED TO MAKE LOVE IS 16 MINUTES,
SO 16 TO 17 MINUTES.
>> James: 17 MINUTES.
>> Reggie: 16 TO 17, YEAH.
>> James: FROM START TO FINISH.
>> Reggie: YEAH, DEPENDING ON THE PERSON, BUT THAT'S THE
AVERAGE.
>> James: THAT'S THE AVERAGE.
>> Reggie: THAT'S THE AVERAGE, YEAH.
>> James: SEEMS LIKE A LONG TIME TO ME.
( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, THIS IS FUN,
A WOMAN RETURNED HOME TO THE U.K. AFTER VISITING NEW YORK
CITY, AND WHILE SHE WAS GOING THROUGH HER VACATION PHOTOS, SHE
DISCOVERED THAT ONE OF THEM ACTUALLY FEATURED-- WELL, TAKE A
LOOK.
HERE SHE IS HAVING HER PHOTO TAKEN AND LOOK AT THIS, SIR PAUL
MCCARTNEY.
SHE WALKED BY HIM WITHOUT EVEN NOTICING.
HOW DO YOU NOT NOTICE PAUL MCCARTNEY CROSSING A ROAD
IT'S LIKE HIS MOST FAMOUS ICONIC IMAGE.
IT'S HIS FAMOUS ALBUM COVER IS HIM CROSSING A ROAD.
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
SHE WAS GOING TO PHOTOSHOP PAUL MCCARTNEY OUT, BUT THEN
ULTIMATELY SHE DECIDED TO JUST... LET IT BE.
( RIM SHOT ) >> OH!
>> James: AND HERE'S THE THING - WASN'T HER ONLY SURPRISE
SIGHTING IN NEW YORK.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS OTHER PHOTO FROM JUST DOWN THE STREET.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S EXACTLY THE LAUGH THAT
DESERVED, RIGHT?
THAT IS EXACTLY THE LAUGH THAT DESERVED.
>> Reggie: WHO IS IT?
LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THAT PHOTO AGAIN.
>> Reggie: YEAH, WHO IS THAT?
HARRY STILES FIANCEÉ AND -- LADY GAGA?
TO BE CLEAR, THAT WAS A FAKE IMAGE.
WE DID THAT.