In the past week, our beloved president of the United States of Rhodesia has done so
many racisms, we don't have time to cover them all.
So if you want to hear about Trump's social media summit, his threatened ICE raids, and
his failed effort to weaponize the census,
turn to TBS-2 for "Full Frontal After Dark," where I rant in my sleep about what a prick
our president is.
Then stay tuned for "Old Sheldon!”
But for now, let's focus on the three racist-est things Trump's been up to lately.
Starting with this.
President Trump unapologetic, defending his racist twitter tirade aimed at four Democratic
congresswomen of color after telling them Sunday
to “go back to help fix the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came."
Sadly, the only thing that should surprise anyone is that he wrote "from which they came"
to avoid ending a sentence with a preposition.
Way to go, Shakespeare.
Now, return your head to the orifice from which it came.
Of course, it wasn't long before Spokes-golem Kellyanne Conway leaped to his defense by
somehow sounding even more racist than her boss.
If the president was not telling these four congresswomen to return to their supposed
countries of origin, to which countries was he referring?
What's your ethnicity?
Fun fact: that's also how she answers the phone.
"Go for Kellyanne, what's your ethnicity?"
A few Republicans did eventually speak out against Trump, including:
4 out of 197 who condemned his remarks in a House vote.
So most House Republicans are a-ok with racism!
Which is great news if Biden is elected,
because at least he has a history of working with segregationists.
Trump has been saying racist things since at least the '70s, when he said
"go back where you came from" to black families who tried to rent apartments in his buildings.
Yet, many news organizations are still afraid to call his remarks "racist."
The New York Times described the latest kerfuffle by saying,
"Trump Fans the Flames of a Racial Fire,"
which sounds more like the title of Jeff Sessions's horny Confederate fan-fiction.
How can the newspaper of record screw this up so badly?
Even the Jumble had the balls to tell it like it is.
Of course, Republicans say everyone's just being too nitpicky about semantics,
which is something they would never do.
Like their response to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez calling detention facilities concentration camps.
This is not a concentration camp that I saw, it is a facility overwhelmed.
We all know that AOC and this crowd are a bunch of communists, they hate Israel,
they hate our own country,
they're calling the guards along our border—the Border Patrol agents—concentration camp guards.
Yeah, because nothing says "hates jews" like warning people about concentration camps.
To prove just how much these detention centers are not concentration camps, Mike Pence went
to one of the camps where immigrants are being concentrated.
In the second holding facility, the vice president was faced with a much different scene.
Nearly 400 men crammed behind caged fences, with not enough room for them all to lie down.
The room was hot and the smell was strong.
The press was pulled out within 90 seconds of the visit.
Turns out Pence can only sustain that level of concerned face for ninety seconds.
Once you hit ninety one, the whole core starts to break up.
To be clear, these horrific border facilities absolutely meet the definition of concentration
camps, as defined by concentration camp survivors:
“A place where people are imprisoned not because of any crimes they committed, but
simply because of who they are."
And before you say they broke the law by entering the country, it is not a crime to request
asylum or to be a child.
Our government now describes asylum not as an internationally recognized right, but as
"a discretionary benefit."
Which is bullshit.
A "discretionary benefit" is free make-up samples at Sephora.
You may not know they're discretionary, but they can withdraw that right. And they have.
Giving asylum seekers safe harbor isn't a benefit, it's the law.
Not that Trump would let something as trivial as the law stop him.
The Trump administration announcing a new rule to make thousands of migrants now
ineligible to claim asylum.
Migrants crossing through a "safe third country" must seek asylum there first.
Yes, everything is being passed off to a "safe third country."
Not to be confused with a "safe third,"
which is the stranger at a bar who you and your spouse try to rope into your open marriage.
Basically, Trump is trying to unload asylum seekers onto Mexico or Guatemala, even though
neither country has agreed to the plan,
neither is considered a safe country, and Guatemala is one of the main countries people
are fleeing from.
Asking them to protect asylum seekers is like asking the Hamburglar to protect your hamburgers.
He's not gonna protect your hamburgers! Run hamburger babies! He is going to eat you!
Fortunately, Trump's new policy is already being challenged in court, and judges have
blocked his previous efforts to restrict asylum.
So this new rule may be struck down.
But for now, most Central American asylum seekers can't enter the United States.
Trump isn't just trying to stop illegal immigration; he's also trying to stop "legal" immigration.
It's almost as if he doesn't like people from certain parts of the world or something.
Gah! If only there were a word for that.