-Hi today, we're going to talk about nine types of questions.
You can ask a man to make him melt.
Hi, there.
Mat Shaffer, your empowerment, connection, and relationship coach.
I'm a former attorney who's committed his life to supporting you in creating
this sort of fun, fulfilling dynamic connections and relationships with
men that you are so worthy of.
I am super excited about this topic.
We're going to unpack nine types of questions that you can ask a man
today that are going to activate him, inspire him, bring him close, and
get him to drop his walls with you.
That is the foundation of creating the sort of relationship that you want.
Before we dive into that, take a second, hit that little subscribe button,
and don't forget to click that link in the comments and caption.
I have created some great training that is going to make a huge difference
in your connections with men.
Let's start off by talking about two important principles that
you need to understand before we unpack these nine questions.
The first is that the quality of your questions determines
the quality of your relationships.
That is extremely important because if you keep your questions surface level,
if you keep your questions at the daily report level where you're
just exchanging conversation about the physical things that have happened in your day,
which I know is very easy to do in relationship, you're going to keep that
relationship itself at the surface level.
It's where disconnection starts happening.
It's when people fall into the trap of the daily report.
You don't want a surface-level relationship, then don't ask surface-level questions,
take ownership of that, which leads us perfectly into the
next principle I want to share with you that you are the conductor of
the emotional and communicative aspects of your relationship.
If love is a symphony, the man that you're with, he's the musician down in the
orchestra, looking up at you for guidance.
You are the conductor up on the podium, letting him know
how you would like him to play.
You are guiding him into the sort of communication that you want to have.
Questions are one of the most powerful ways to do that.
I want you to be in ownership of that too.
I want you to be in ownership of the amount of power that you have to help
mold the conversation dynamics in a way that'll drop you down into deeper
levels of intimacy and connection.
Think of questions like a stroke of your baton, like a tool that you're
going to use to help create the sort of relationship that you want.
Another important point around the questions that you're going to be asking a
man is the energy behind those questions.
You always want to be asking questions from a space of curiosity
and warmth and interest, not from a space of pushing or scarcity or
suspicion or anything like that.
Because you want a man to feel safe, to answer these questions
fully and vulnerably and openly.
The first powerful type of questions that you can ask a man that are going
to really help deepen your connection is an open-ended feeling question.
An open-ended feeling question is a question that's going to invite a man
to explain and put words on whatever he's feeling in that moment or in
that experience, which is really good.
Because for a lot of men, they don't have a lot of practice or a lot of
experience doing this for themselves.
You're going to help him put words on things that he may not
have a lot of agency in doing.
The way to do open-ended questions is to recognize that they always have a what,
a why, or a how at the beginning of them.
An example of this would be if you saw him getting really worked up
or something, he's watching on TV, maybe he's watching this sport or
something, you could ask him, "Why is this so exciting to you or what is it
about soccer that's so exciting?"
You use this question as a platform to give him a space to explain what
it is that he loves about or, what it is that's really getting him
excited, which is going to get him to drop deeper into his feelings
and connect with you in the process.
The second type of questions are those that invite engagement and play.
An important principle to realize with this is that all men are fundamentally
little boys and all men have a play drive.
At some level, all men are craving that sort of back and forth that can come
with a well-asked playful question.
Don't avoid this.
In fact, the more you activate it, the more he's going to want to drop
his walls and connect with you.
I want you to think of these questions as games.
These are games that you can play with him to learn more about him.
This is super interesting because in his answers to these sort of playful
questions, you can get a sense of his imagination and his creativity
and even what his values are.
It's a really fascinating process.
One great type of question is a hypothetical.
The kind of question that isn't constrained by the boundaries of reality.
It can be a choice question.
Like, would you rather be a mortal or be able to fly or what would your
strategy be for the zombie apocalypse?
Why do you think you would survive or not?
Do you see, as I'm sharing these examples that these are open-ended questions,
these are questions that are begging for full explanations and lots of
in-depth dialogue and discussion, which is beautiful because that's what you're
looking to foster and create in a way that is both playful and kind of fun?
Another great playful question is the light opinion question.
This is where you ask them a question about a light subject
that begs for a big opinion.
A great example of this would be to take a cheesy show that
maybe is doing really well.
Like right now, Tiger King is so big on Netflix and everyone I know is talking
about it in some way or another and ask him, "Okay, so what Tiger King character
do you identify with the most and why?"
That can be the start of a really fun conversation about who they identify
with or who they support and why on earth, they're into that person.
It can give you a lot of great material for you to go back and forth with
him, maybe tease them a little bit and have a really playful exchange.
That's going to help you both connect a lot deeper.
Now, this next type of question is one of my absolute favorites,
and that is the story question.
This is so key because fundamentally another important principle here,
all men are storytellers at some level.
Men love to tell stories.
They especially want to tell stories that demonstrate their authority or
their expertise or their strength.
They want to demonstrate to you that they are strong.
A question that gives them the opportunity to tell a story like that is the sort
of question is going to make them feel good about themselves and give them an
opportunity to prove themselves to you.
It's a huge opportunity for you.
Definitely, feel free to do this on a regular basis, especially if your
man loves to tell stories, which I do.
A great way to use story questions is organically, beause you don't want
to be just asking him story questions out of nowhere, out of left field.
You wouldn't ask him, "What are the greatest challenges you faced?"
When you two are just walking down the street and there's no context
for him to understand that because it's going to sound like you're
interviewing him or something awkward.
Which is something that you don't want to do.
We're going to talk more about that later.
If you two were watching an epic reality show or maybe a show on national geographic
and the protagonist is in some huge obstacle or problem,
then if for you to ask him, "Have you ever faced an experience or a challenge
like that and if so, what did you do?"
In that context, the story question is connected to what you're sharing
and he's going to feel a lot more comfortable and a lot more
willing to open up to you about it.
A cool thing about a story question is that it gives you a lot of opportunities
to ask, follow-up questions.
Follow-up questions are one of the greatest ways for you to get a man
to dig deeper and you can ask them more, open-ended feeling questions.
As he's telling you the story of this massive obstacle that he's overcome in
his own life, then you can be like, "Wow.
How did it feel for you to overcome that?
It must've been so hard to keep it together when you were
faced with all of that stuff.
What did you do to get through that?: Follow up questions are so powerful
because not only do they give him an opportunity to dig deeper into the story
and share with you more details, but it also demonstrates to him that you're
actively listening and that you're really connected to what he's sharing,
which is going to make him feel really good.
The next type of questions that you definitely want to ask on a
regular basis are passion questions.
These can look a lot of different ways.
It can be as simple as asking him, "What are you excited about right now?
What is it that's got you lit up?"
Because as we all know, men can be excited or passionate about a variety of things.
Men tend to be passion-driven creatures.
The more you can get a man to speak into what he's excited about,
what he's passionate about, what he's obsessed with right now,
it's going to really activate him and give him an opportunity to share with you what's in
his heart, to share with you what about whatever he's into is really exciting.
A cool thing about this is is that when a man is talking about something
that he's passionate about, he starts to get flushed with excitement.
When he's feeling that flush sense of excitement while talking to you,
that starts to transfer to you.
You become more exciting to him.
It's a positive thing and a win-win all the way around.
The next type of question, that's really going to deepen your connection with
him are questions about his family.
These do not have to be scary.
I promise.
In fact, it can be as simple as asking them, what do you like best
about your little sister or who are you closer to, your mom and your dad?
Everybody's closer to one.
Because as he speaks into his family dynamics and he starts sharing
with you different aspects of his relationships, you're going to learn
a lot about him, that are going to help you understand the way he is so
much more and it's going to give you the opportunity to share things about
your relationships because he's either going to ask you those questions back
or you're going to have an opportunity to share with him why you can relate
to what he's feeling or experiencing.
It's going to help him understand you too, so everybody wins.
Another unrelated type of question are questions about his childhood,
and these can be really fun.
You can look at him and ask him "Were you a troublemaker growing up?
What kind of little boy were you?"
I bet you were so much fun.
This can be incredibly informative and help you understand so much about
how he became the man he is today.
It'll give him an opportunity to really reflect on and share with you,
parts of himself, that maybe he hasn't shared with very many people.
People very rarely ask questions about the childhood of somebody
that they're getting to know.
It's a really big goldmine for understanding and
learning and storytelling.
This next type of question that I absolutely love is questions that
are competitive or challenging.
This goes back to the earlier point, that all men are little
boys and all men have a play drive.
Questions that are challenging or competitive are great opportunity for
you two to play and engage at that level.
For example, I had a date where I mentioned something that I
was pretty good at Mario Kart.
She looked at me and she said, "You really think you're any good in Mario Kart?"
Because I am a pro.
I was really drawn in and activated by that, and I really appreciated
her feistiness and being willing to challenge me and take me on,
on something that I know I'm really good at.
It led to some epic Mario Kart sessions and you know what?
She was pretty good.
We had some great rounds.
We had a lot of fun, and it all started because she asked me a
challenging or playful question, and was willing to go toe to toe with me.
This next type of question can be really powerful and really help foster a deeper
connection between the two of you.
It's questions about his vision because vision is one of the most
powerful anchoring and guiding forces for most men in relationship.
You have an opportunity by asking him questions like, "Where do you see yourself
in your life, five years from now?
What would you love your life to look like, your career to
look like, your personal life?
I'm really curious and I want to see, where do you see yourself?"
This can get a man if he hasn't thought about that, to really self reflect
and you two can engage in a beautiful co-creative conversation where you talk
about his vision, and then you share your vision, and then you sort of can
get a sense of do our visions line up.
What would that look like if we were to be together, five years from now?
This last type of question is definitely one that you want to save until maybe
you've been with somebody for a little while, I don't recommend this type of
question right out of the gate, but it's questions about past relationships.
You can make these positive questions and they can be simply,
"What were your favorite parts of your past relationships?
What type of women do you normally date, and why is that?"
As long as you've established trust with him.
These can be really interesting, really illuminating questions.
If you feel safe enough to be able to share his answers with you openly,
and you can learn a ton about him.
Which of your past relationships, did you most grow from and how?
Now as promised, I'm going to share with you a bonus tip, two types
of questions to avoid, and the first is job interview questions.
A man doesn't want to feel like he's being put in a baby daddy audition,
which happens so often with men, and these can be questions around his
income or around his career goals, basically, you don't want a man to feel
like you're evaluating his capacity to be a father, or to be a provider,
especially early on in relationship.
This is different from asking him about his vision for his life,
once you all have been dating for a while.
I definitely want to make that distinction.
Do not ask him these big huge questions or questions around his
money or anything like that, right out of the gate with somebody.
You don't want him to feel like you're asking him questions with an agenda.
Repeat after me, "No baby daddy auditions."
One more type of question you definitely want to avoid is any question asked
with scarcity, desperation, or fear because when you're asking any
question even any of the ones we just talked about with that energy,
it is going to cause a man to shut down.
It is going to cause the man to put his walls up.
It is going to activate a man's mama, trauma, [chuckles] which is
something you absolutely do not want to do because at some level every
man has a wound around his mom.
If he feels like he is in trouble with a woman in his life, a lot of times it
will activate that wound for him and get him to go into a little boy shutdown mode
and run away from the conversation, either emotionally or physically.
Be super conscious of the energy you're using, when you're asking any of these
questions and make sure that it's warm, loving, curious, open, and safe
because that is going to be inviting him forward, as the conductor to really
be vulnerable and drop in with you.
The last important point I want to make around questions with a man
is that you get to lead by example.
You get to answer his questions too just as vulnerably as you want him to answer them.
You are a conductor.
You are leading by example, and you can not be vulnerable with him, and then
expect him to be vulnerable with you.
Recognize that as you're asking him questions, he's going to
be asking you questions back.
You want to be demonstrating to him, how you want him to answer in your answers.
Remember ladies, the quality of your questions,
determines the quality of your relationships.
You are the conductor using your questions as your baton to help guide him into
vulnerability and connection with you, and there are nine types of questions you can
ask him, that are going to activate him, light him up, and deepen your connection.
There are open-ended feeling questions.
Why does this excite you?
Get him to put words on his feelings using an open-ended question.
There are questions that invite engagement and play hypothetical
questions and line opinion questions.
There are story questions that give him an opportunity to share
and tell you a story, and for you to ask him follow-up questions.
Remember, all men are storytellers.
There are passion questions.
What are you excited about right now?
What is lighting you up?
There are questions about family.
There are questions about childhood.
We've got questions that are challenging or competitive,
and you got questions about his vision.
Last but definitely not least, positive questions around past relationships.
Get out there ladies and ask better questions to the men in your life
and see what unfolds for you when you do, but before you do that,
take a second, hit that little subscribe button, and don't forget to click
that link in the comments and caption.
I have created some great training that is going to make a massive difference in your
connections and relationships with men.
Thanks so much for stopping by and I'll see you next time on my YouTube channel.
Bye-bye.
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