What happens when you don't process your grief? Uh what happens when you avoid dealing with loss?
People say that time heals, but I would argue that it doesn't - unless you allow yourself to
work through your pain little by little. Now, it's clear that each person's grief is unique. There
isn't a concrete set of steps you can do in order. There isn't a time limit for mourning. But there
is a big difference between working through stuff and not working through stuff. People who process
their grief allow themselves to face their pain, even in small doses. They address their feelings.
They may write about them or talk about them. They mourn. When someone doesn't work through
their pain, they try to distract themselves. They keep busy. They desperately avoid their pain,
which in the long run leads to more pain. So we're gonna learn about seven signs that you're
not processing your grief, and you'll learn three ways to start to face your grief in small steps.
Now, recently I partnered with Sarah Engler, LCSW, to create a course called Understanding Grief and
Loss. And she teaches how loss can stem from a loved one dying, but it can also come from many
more situations, like a divorce or an expectation that doesn't happen, a lifestyle change like
aging, or a change in employment, and and so many more situations where you may experience
strong emotions about losing something that you care about. Now, in this course,
Sarah does a great job explaining how not dealing with your loss can lead to these seven signs. So
number one is compulsive behaviors. This can look like over- or under-eating, excessive spending,
addiction to distraction, you know, like endless Netflix binges and social-media scrolling, and,
of course, substance abuse. Okay. The second sign is withdrawal from relationships. You
might avoid people because you don't want to be asked, "How are you doing?" Or maybe you don't
want to be around people if you're feeling down or you may cry. Whatever the reason, you start
to pull away from people. Okay. Number three is over-functioning. Sarah explains how if you have
two children whose parent dies and one of them is tearful and emotional and struggling in school and
the other one seems fine, she's taking care of everyone else, she seems cheery and like she's
adapting, well, the one you should be worried about is the second child. Some people avoid their
grief by pretending that everything's fine. Or they immerse themselves in work, just, you know,
keeping themselves busy to distract themselves. Okay. Number four is irritability. This this looks
like conflict in relationship. Sometimes things like drama and fighting can be a great distraction
from internal pain, or it just can be a twisted expression of that pain. So just think of like
some adult siblings who are mourning the loss of their beloved parents. If their pain seems
unbearable, it may be more comfortable to fight over the inheritance than to sit without pain.
Okay. Next is persistent sleep issues. So it's really common to have difficulty sleeping and
eating, right, after a big loss - and again, there's no time limit - but if these problems
persist without being addressed, it's a sign that you're not dealing with loss. Okay. Next
is physical symptoms emerge. So sometimes the body keeps the score when emotional pain isn't
addressed. That pain can show up in illnesses, digestive issues, muscle tension, headaches,
high blood pressure, and other physical symptoms. And lastly, mental health symptoms worsen. So so
grief is not a mental illness. Mourning is not a mental illness. It's okay to feel sad
and to struggle and to not function normally after a loss. But when we don't get the support we need
or when we don't take care of ourselves or address our grief, then that can drop people out of a
normal grief process into depression, suicidality, anxiety, or other mental health conditions.
Now, like I said before, there is no timeline for this stuff. There's no simple, you know,
magical process that you can just work through that will magically make your grief go away. The
the difference between people who start to heal and those who avoid their grief is do you lean in
or do you lean out? So when big emotions come up, do you desperately seek to avoid,
numb, suppress, or distract, or do you face them, even if in little doses? So that doesn't mean
that you have to just drown in your grief. There's three skills we'll borrow from Peter Levine - he's
the founder of somatic experiencing - that you can use to start dealing with your grief: pendulation,
resourcing, and titration. So pendulation is when you lean into the emotions; you swing into;
them you let yourself feel them - and then you can swing out too, to ground yourself, to get comfort,
to take a break and rest. So some distraction is okay as long as you face your pain in regular,
tiny doses with as much support and resources as possible. So a healthy nervous system can
do both. Right? It can swing in and feel, and then it can swing out and rest. Right? Where
an avoidant nervous system just clenches more tightly to avoidance. Right? It's like, "Oh,
I gotta stay over here and never feel anything." So as we move into and out of our emotions,
we eventually integrate those experiences and our capability to handle them. So you may take some
time to face your intense grief, to ugly cry, to scream, yell, shake, sob - and then you take some
time to wrap up in a blanket and curl up with your spouse or your dog and watch some funny internet
videos before you fall asleep. Right? It doesn't mean that to process grief you have to be sad
all the time or let your emotions run your life. Pendulation means that you can just address them
in these small chunks and then swing back out. Right? Okay. The second skill is resourcing.
So this is adding support to yourself while you face your pain. So instead of avoiding thinking
about your loss or avoiding visiting the grave, you consider bringing someone with you to support
you while you visit the grave. Or after you have a hard anniversary, maybe you find something that's
really soothing for your body, like a hot bath or a massage or an exercise that feels good. So we're
just adding resources to help strengthen you as you face, you know, this painful experience. Now,
the third skill is titration. And that just means doing things in small doses. So for example,
if you need to work through some old memories or papers, set yourself a time limit to face
your pain, and then take a break and come back to it after a rest. So you can just try to face
your pain in small doses. Now, I know this isn't always possible, but it's it's one thing you can
add to your toolkit. Sending all my love to those of you out there who have experienced um a loss,
and I hope this helps in some small way. If you'd like to learn more about Sarah Engler's course,
please check out the link in the description below. Thank you for watching, and take care.