-We here at "Late Night" have a lot of expenses.
And to cover the cost of those expenses,
we have taken on some sponsors,
but some of them are pretty terrible sponsors.
They're sponsors we're not proud of.
Sponsors I am ashamed we took money from.
But because we did,
we now have to now mention these sponsors on the air.
So I would like to apologize in advance.
"Late Night" tonight is brought to you by Pogo Crutches.
[ Laughter ]
The crutches that will have you jumping sky high.
Did you twist your ankle?
See if lightning will strike twice with Pogo Crutches!
[ Laughter ]
We're also brought to you tonight by Pony Horses.
[ Audience awws ]
Does your pony have places to be, but no way to get there?
Well, worry no more, with Pony Horses,
the only horses for ponies. Pony Horses.
They're not [bleep].
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
We're also sponsored by Mass Knuckles,
the brass knuckles you wear to church.
[ Laughter ]
Be ready for your next church fight with Mass Knuckles.
Mass Knuckles -- Jesus said, "Knock you out."
[ Laughter and applause ]
We're also brought to you tonight
by Just the Juice Vienna Sausages.
[ Audience groaning ]
Do you love the taste of those little sausages
that come in a jar? Neither do we.
That's why we threw them out to bring you just the juice.
[ Audience groaning ]
Mmm.
Tastes like a pig took a salty bath.
[ Laughter ]
Don't forget about "Noice" Canceling Headphones.
If there's one thing we all can't stand,
it's when someone says "Noice."
But now with "Noice" Canceling Headphones,
you'll never have to hear it again,
and if you ask me, that's...to hear.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Wet Confetti. [ Laughter ]
No more waiting till the end of the party
to scrape wet confetti off the floor,
because Wet Confetti is wet from the very beginning.
The party might be over,
but you still got to clean up that Wet Confetti.
[ Laughter ]
Mouse Pads.
Is your mouse becoming a woman? Get her Mouse Pads.
[ Audience groans ]
[ Laughter ]
Amber!
[ Laughter ]
We're also brought to you tonight by Big Raccoons.
Are you -- Hey, you guys.
Hey, guys.
Guys, are you tired? Are you guys all tired?
[ Laughter ]
Seriously. Guys, guys,
guys are you tired of regular sized raccoons
digging around in your garbage cans?
Well, scientists at the Animal Genome Revolution Center
have solved your woes. It's Big Raccoons.
These raccoons are so big, they won't fit in your garbage cans.
And these bear sized critters can't sneak up on you
because you will hear them coming.
[ Laughter ]
Mouse Pads.
And finally, Family-Size Toilets.
[ Laughter ]
are you tired of everyone in your house
going to the bathroom separately?
With this massive 12-foot wide toilet,
there's enough room for everyone in your family, even grandma.
Finally, going to the bathroom
is an activity the whole family can do together.
Family-Size Toilets,
because family is number one and...number two.
[ Laughter ] That's it for our bad sponsors.
Here are some of the good ones. [ Cheers and applause ]