Mark: Welcome to another challenge with Ethan and Tyler...
(Ethan giggles)
Tyler: (wheezes) What the hell Ethan!
It's me.
Mark...
"Sandy vagina"...
(All laugh)
With a vagina so packed full of sand.
(grunts) NNNGGHH!
A-a pearl!
Mark: (in terrible French accent) Notice him there with his tiny penis.
Oh so small.
Mark: We are here to conquer cake once and for all.
Introducing Tyler, "the Ethan" Scheid,
and Ethan, "the Tyler" Scheid. (we know were this is going)
Together they make Tythan.
Ethan and Tyler: Nooo! Nooo!
Ethan, get your ass in here.
(Smack) Ethan: Ha ha.
(Smack) Wow.
(Smack) Ouch.
Mark: We're going in. Raw.
Mark: Unprotected... (Ethan laughs)
Mark: Ethan, who's been writing in his basement alone for years.
His grandchildren, never called.
But when he makes this book-- what's it called?
Ethan: Horses...
Presidents?
Mark: Keep working on that. (Ethan and Tyler laughs)
(Mark sobs)
*yeet*
Tyler: Oh--
Mark: Did I hit you right in the nuts?
Tyler: (while laughing) Yes!
Mark: (smacks table) It's me, Markiplier...
"the Sausage".
(Ethan laughs and spits on Mark's face)
I'd like to welcome to the stage, uh... Wingus and Dingus.
*le zOOM*
Mark: Did you just shit your pants?
Ethan: (while laughing) No I didn't!
Did you just shit your pants?
I WILL
(Mark and Tyler laugh)
Ethan: (screams) NOOO!
Guys!
Mark: Are you pooping?
Ethan: There's no toilet paper!
(Mark and Tyler laugh)
Mark: We're all gonna build a sand castle.
We got buckets with which to do it.
we got sh-- *flings sand*
Ethan: (French accent) Do you not feel the same when you look at me?
You do not feel the bonjour in your heart?
Mark: (French accent) Nooo!
Ethan: (French accent) Oohh!
Mark: In no way! Ethan: Enchanté!
Mark: No way.
Maybe David over there with his
(whispers) tiny penis.
Ethan: Wow wow!
Mark: (grunts) NNNGGHH!
MELT!
WITH THE POWER OF MY HEAT!
Mark: Gotta put a lot more sugar.
Oh shit that was too much sugar.
Tyler: No!
Ethan: Too much sugar. Mark: (laughs) Oooh no!
Mark: Too much shoog (sugar)!
(Phone rings) Amy: Time's up!
Mark: Spoons down!
Mark: SPOONS DOWN!
(loud clattering)
Mark: (majestically) I AM A MAN... WHO OWNS FOUR OVENS.
Amy: Also the toaster oven.
Ethan: Four, five oven!
(All laugh) Mark: I have--
(even more majestically) I AM A MAN... WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS.
Who wants to write first?
*double fisting*
That's not an answer.
Ethan: Help.
(Mark and Ethan laugh) Tyler: Rochambeau.
Ethan: Writer's block, writer's block, writer's block!
(Mark and Tyler laugh)
Mark: I got this one, I got this one.
*SaltBae*
Nailed it!
Mark: I bite! Ethan: No!
Mark: I bite! Give! No!
Mark: Give! Give! Give! Ow!
Mark: Give! Fuckin-- Ow! Ethan: No!
Ethan: This is my project!
Mark: Bitch! Ow! Ow! Ethan: This is-
Ethan: This is my project! Mark: Stop!
Mark: Why do I keep sticking hand in BuSiNeSs?
(Ethan laughs) Mark: Ow, ow...
Mark: Perfect, it looks just like a boob.
Oh, never mind.
Tyler's looks more like a boob than mine.
Mark: (French accent) I've never painted before in my life.
Ethan: You've never painted?
Mark: Never!
Ethan: Not even finger paint?
Mark: No. Well maybe, I don't know, we were poor children.
Ethan: We didn't have fingers.
Tyler: There was chocolate,
this whole--
(SLAM)
FUCK.
Ethan: How do you get a yolk?
Is the egg separate from the yolk?
Tyler: Alright!
(Mark and Tyler laugh)
Mark: Beat together...
the yolks!
Ethan: Oh, I did it wrong didn't I?
(All laugh)
Mark: Ah, c'mon...
What the fu--
(Mark and Tyler laugh)
Ethan: God damn writer's block!
Tyler: Go!
Ethan: URGHAAAA!
(Tyler wheezes)
Mark: Have you never made-- Dooon't you dare.
Put that back in your bowl, bitch.
(in Batman voice) Batman doesn't take no crime.
(in Batman voice) Batman won't take it--
NOOO!
Wipe, big boy.
Oh my God! That was like, exactly my dick!
Ethan: Engineer my ass.
Mark: I'll engineer your ass...
Jesus Christ, when did you start breaking--
Ethan: C A R E F U L !
Ethan: Happy little accidents.
Mark: Extremely... sandy... vagina.
(Tyler laughs)
Mark: Thank you.
Mark: Who made the Mona Lisa?
Ethan: Leonardo DiCaprio.
Mark: That's it.
Mark: I gotta say guys.
I got a whole load of presentation.
Tyler: I would say it's a patriotic glory hole.
(Mark laughs)
Ethan: Why not make Amy a birthday cake.
Did you have birthday cake?
Amy: I didn't have a birthday cake.
Ethan: Well, you do now!
Mark: Pandering.
Ethan: Pandering.
You know Amy loves America!
(Mark and Amy laugh)
Ethan: Are you done yet? Jesus...
Mark: Have you never boiled water before?
(All laugh)
Amy: Hey Ethan?
Ethan: Whut?
Amy: What's behind you?
Ethan: Oh, a kettle!
(Mark and Tyler laugh)
Ethan: Tyler, you ever written a novel?
Tyler: I have actually, I've written plenty of short stories.
Mark: That is not a novel. Ethan: Have you written a novel?
Tyler: Who's written a novel in this room?
Mark: That's the question he asked!
(Ethan giggles)
Mark: This is why he's a master.
Oh my God, Jesus...
*Finger lickin good ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)*
Here's a thing for ya.
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
(All laugh)
Tyler: So you need any more glue, Mark?
Ethan: I got a big thing of glue.
Tyler: I got a whole brand new crazy glue.
(Tyler laughs)
Mark: We will do it Tyler first, just because...
I wanted to piss him off.
Ethan: Don't worry about a thing.
Nothing happened.
Performance art.
Mark: What is THAT?
Ethan: Time to flip!
Mark: Dude... No...
(while giggling) No! NOOOOO!
Tyler: I don't appreaciate that I get to cut it after the ham-cheese combo.
Mark: That's not gonna spread that much flavor to you.
Today, junior.
Ethan: God...
Amy: Jesus.
Ethan: Do you know what brûlée means?
Mark: YEAH, SUGAR!
Ethan: I don't think that's...
Mark: Cream sugar!
Ethan: What does brûlée mean in French?
Siri: You'll need to connect to the Internet first.
Ethan: Why... (Tyler laughs)
Ethan: What does brûlée in French mean?
Siri: (in French) Brûlée.
Ethan: Yeah, no I know.
(All laugh)
Mark: (sobs) I know how to make a ballista!
Ethan: Yeah...
Mark: I KNOW!
Why are you gloating, when you have THAT?!
AAAAAHHHHH
AAGGHH
Mark: And then your hair.
Ethan: Yes?
Mark: Got it pretty accurately.
Mark: Your dreams and aspirations Ethan: Yes?
Mark: for a diamond play button. Ethan: Uh-huh.
Mark: And you're a ghost, because you're dead.
Ethan: Oh, just like my channel.
Tyler: :V
(Ethan and Tyler chuckles)
Amy: What was that?!
Mark: What was that?
I missed it, I wasn't looking.
*slo-mo gleek*
Ethan: It's like a weird web shot out of his mouth.
Mark: Did it get on my cake?!
Amy: What was that?!
Kathryn: I have to eat that!
Ethan: Gleeking? Tyler: Yes!
Ethan: You gleeked on his cake! (laughs)
Mark: What is gleeking?
Tyler: It's squeezing your salivary glands to where...
it shoots your saliva straight out of your mouth--
Mark: Why did you try to do that?!
Tyler: I didn't try!
Mark: Why?! Tyler: It was an accident!
Mark: You mouth-jaculated all over my dick!
Mark: You're gonna have to taste that. You're gonna have to taste this.
(Ethan laughs)
Mark: Wait until it's done! Tyler: I told you, his-
Mark: Oh my God! Tyler: his is too liquidy.
Tyler: Yours looks so good.
Mark: Thanks!
Ethan: Tyler, how's mine look?
(Mark laughs)
Mark: Calling all impartial judges!
I'm sending a telekinetic burst!
Tyler: HRURURURURUR
Tyler: See when I've had crème brûlée, I felt like there was no flavor
other than the caramelized sugar on top. That's- that's how I...
Mark: Oh it's got...
some...
(Tyler and Ethan laugh)
Mark: It tastes...
(Tyler and Ethan laugh)
Yeah. (Tyler and Ethan laugh)
Mark: I've managed to create
the world's first...
wrist-mounted...
ballista.
Stealthy! You wouldn't even know that
there was a ballista (while laughing) on my arm!
And look at the range on this bad boy!
AAH!
(All laugh except Mark)
(Sobs) Owwwwiieeee!
Mark: Uh, for Squidward!
(Ethan snorts)
Tyler: Obviously it's between Mark and me,
and Mark is definitely the winner.
Ethan: Uh, I don't know about that.
Mark: Yeah I don't know about this, man.
Mmm
Mark: I had such tough competition with Tyler here.
(Ethan chuckles)
(Tyler laughs)
All three: (in terrible unison) Don't get sand in your vaginas!
Mark: That's a bad one.
Mark: Thank you everybody so much for watching.
And as always we'll see you in the next video.
Buh-bye!
Ethan: Bye!
Tyler: Byyyeee!
Mark: CAN WE HIT
Mark and Ethan: ONE BILLION LIKES?!
(BAM)