last time you were here you were talking
about and I say this to every time and I
mean it and we've talked about this you
are a very attractive person and yet you
find fault with your Anatomy yeah in
specific ways which i think is like
that's that's a trap to do that you
don't mean rather than just to be happy
with yourself I know I wish I could just
accept myself but I was I just have
really low self-esteem because I was
born a woman and so maybe I was born
with it maybe it's mabeline um it is
making its Procter and Gamble is
everything but I know I do struggle with
it and something I've talked about on
here which is like a lot of people have
responded to is that I talked about my
vagina before and how I have what I
described as a hastily packed suitcase
down there and it's really freed me with
you being let thank you for letting me
talk about air it out on here literally
it is not what anything that I intended
not what this show was built for
I'm glad if it empowers you or makes you
or if it's therapeutic for you at all
really has been because it's oh let's be
adult about it what about your vagina
are you unhappy about I that's okay I
feel like vagina it's like the greatest
thing ever invented
I mean I know that and that's the thing
like I just feel like I want to get
ahead I think I talk about it so much
because I'm talking to men who might
date me like I'm hoping someone might
date me that's watching this and they're
like okay I know she's got something
down there and then when they see it
they're like that's not that bad and I'm
like I know like I think I'm just kind
of preparing them oh you're lowering the
bar I see what you're doing yeah I think
that was I do that with my penis all the
time I've spent years going all this
thing's a mess
you know and then when someone finally
got a look at it they're like you know
it's not awful yeah you know I that is
it is a trick and I've done the same
thing and I just I feel like but the
thing is about I'm really freaking out
right now because I'm single and I just
kept struggling with the fact that I
don't like going on dates because the
expectation of sex and I just don't I
get nervous I get nervous about new
penises like having to see a new penis
so I would really appreciate what like a
new guy yeah that's Matt like a recently
manufactured pain you're talking about
you yeah you're talking about that yeah
I think everyone has some anxiety about
they you see their body for the first
time they see you yes yeah thank you for
being empathetic about that because I
feel I feel nervous about it and I'm not
talking about sighs I want to be clear
but that that's that's like 99% of it
but like the rest of it well she thinks
it is ya know if a guy is a micropenis
honestly I want to be very clear about
this because I feel like so many men
feels so much shame about whatever they
have done there and you obviously
deserve love I would be with a guy with
a micropenis obvious I really would
thank you
[Applause]
well just you just saved that man's life
don't put a camera on him I see a camera
moving
don't put the camera on micropenis man
Oh God say I love that he volunteered
that because that's that's that's what I
want I want guys to feel good about
because you can't have a good
relationship with a guy with a
micropenis
there's obviously ways around it you
have toys you have your hands you can
cheat on him like there's things no you
deserve love like anyone else here's the
thing about micropenises that I don't
like okay so if you have one if you're
watching I got into this business I'll
be honest with you right now to be
honest go ahead I care about it okay so
there's the thing I have not encountered
one in the wild yet but I have friends
that have and it's okay but the guy will
take it out and just be like who's just
the penis like a normal penis and it's
just like and they gasp like you with
their penis as like so cuz they know as
a woman you haven't seen enough to be
like you could be like I guess that's
the way they are I haven't seen one as
often as he is so I guess this is a
normal penis but my point is just a
little heads up pun intended that you
might have something going on because I
will say and that's why I wrote a whole
special like about my vaginas to give up
a heads up to a guy because if I if my
labia were like on the floor let's say
uh and a guy was about to take off my
pants I would get I would warn him and
be like listen when you unbutton my
pants it's gonna be like like the court
jester has like a message for the king
like there's
you might hear a horn in your ear just
give us some warning is all I'm asking
for but this is also why I love hooking
up in public because a guy can't take
his penis out because he'll be arrested
and there's you don't to do anything
with it because there's this thing these
guys do when you hook up with them
you'll be making out or whatever and
then the guy's penis will just be out
because he thinks well this it and you
just there's a part of you that's like
oh I guess it's penis time like I didn't
know I didn't hear the bell right and
you just do something to him because
he's like yeah this is what happens in
you oh I must be crazy okay and then you
get to work and you're like why am I
doing this but you do it because as a
woman you sometimes are like it would be
so embarrassing for me to tell this man
to put his penis way he was brave enough
he had the courage to take it out I'm
gonna I'm gonna shame him for them I'm
gonna shame my own boss for this company
into the black and I'm not gonna I'm
gonna make him feel bad about so you end
up doing something you don't want to do
I love hooking up in public because if
they take their penis out they're gonna
get in trouble
and they can do stuff to you because you
can just pretend that he's helping you
with your snaps on your bodysuit it's
like a manager of a restaurant is like
take that outside and you're like well
it's it's the snaps and you have an
excuse it's an inside job so when now
Thank You pre some goods it secretes
it's all I've ever wanted and so this is
the thing now when I'm like making out
with the guy he's like let's go back to
your place I'm always like let's go to
makeout point
and he's like where's that and I'm like
it's a playground so if you take your
penis out you'll have to introduce
yourself to your neighbors for the rest
of your life you're given this so much
sauce so much I'm really stumbling onto
some things yeah well I think you helped
a lot of people here I hope I did you
you helped you helped a lot of women
here tonight you helped a 1-man with
I love you I just every time I'm here
and I'm not gonna do I'm not gonna you
can cut this later but this blows my
mind that I get to sit with you two and
be on this show it is truly a career
dream everyone in your crowd I heard the
enthusiasm Ural Conan heads love this
show it's never been funnier it is I
like all your stuff you're doing online
is so good the field piece tonight was
incredible it is an honor to be here
thank you guys normally we're not gonna
cut that we're gonna run that on a loop
[Applause]
you're very kind to say all that
hey four tickets to Nicky's bang it out
tour go to Nikki Glaser comm slash tour
we love it when you're here Nikki Glaser
[Applause]