Hey! It's Jim Cress with you again, and today we're going to get real practical. If you need
to have a conversation with someone in your life about a boundary — and not just a boundary
but your boundary — remember, boundaries are about keeping you safe. And yes, in doing that,
they're also about loving the other person well. We think of agape love. Again, that's seeking the
other person's highest good. It doesn't mean they're going to like what you have to say,
but it is about keeping you safe, and again, loving the other person well.
Well, how do you do that when you're going to get into situations, probably going to
be dicey at some level? The other person may want to fight. They may want to debate you,
or do quid pro quo (you say this, they say that.) How can you say what you mean,
mean what you say, and not say it mean, in a clear and kind, and really a godly way,
without losing your own cool or muddying the waters yourself? We’ll give you something to
think about here. Little children explain, and often their voice will pitch up and they
want to say … children explain; adults inform. There’s a big difference there.
So how do I practice my boundaries practically at home? You know what you can do? You set down an
empty chair in front of you, you sit there, and maybe get a three-by-five card and put
that person's name on there. Let's say the person's name is Joe or Mary, “Joe or Mary,
I've some things that I want to talk to you about here …” (and literally maybe even script
it out) where you can say, “Here's, here's what I want to say.” I’ll give you a little trick here,
it's a little sandwich: Put the top bun on this, like a little hamburger, offer some affirmations:
“I thank you that you'd be willing to meet with me and for you taking the time and you'd be willing
to listen to me.” Then put the meat in, what you want to say — the boundary -- and if you're able to,
and the person is still there with you, the bottom piece of bread there or the bun there, would be to
say, “And again, I really thank you, that you’d be willing to consider my boundary.” They may have to
go off and think about it themselves, right? Timing is important, OK? So the idea of going
to a person — you know, if they're hangry and their blood sugar level is not good or they're
tired — you want to, as the Bible says, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings
of silver” (Proverbs 25:11). So a big part of that is, I say to people, “Hey, I'd like to talk to
you about something that's concerning me or in my life. Is now a good time? And if not now, when?”
The timing is important. I use the line — I reckon I use it every day — “Hey, I'd like to talk about
this. Do you have it to give now, to have this conversation?” And I wanna remind you, too, that
good boundaries that we're going to have in our lives, are not always a pathway to reconciliation.
What's it like — and we'll talk more in the series about grief — that if I've tried to do it
all by the book: I practiced it in an empty chair and said, “This is what I want to say
to this person …” imagining what they might say back or not say back, and when I go there and what
if the person then mocks me? Or the person says, “Well, this is just your problem.” Or “La-di-da,
look at you all high and mighty, you think you're gonna come in with a boundary?” How do I prepare
myself there — be good to have a good friend, your own journal, someone you can trust — and say,
you know, I went to this person and it is my truth to keep myself safe and to love them well,
but they would not receive it. I always think of Jesus, you know. He wept over Jerusalem, and He
said to His peeps, “Oh, Jerusalem, oh Jerusalem, how many times we would gather a mother, like a
mother hen gathers its chicks, I just, I want us to have some reconciliation, but you would have
no part of it” (Matthew 23:37). I'm mindful too of Proverbs 15 just verse 1 — you know,
a soft or gentle answer, is not a, it's not a weak answer — “A soft answer turns away wrath.” Watch
the double meaning here. As I have a soft answer toward a person, I come in grounded and in peace,
to talk about my own boundaries that can turn away their anger and my own anger. But it says,
“Harsh words stir up anger.” You need to check what we call emotional self- regulation. Are you
sure you're in a place … are you rested? Are you tired? Are you stressed out or hungry, yourself?
Whatever it might be. And are you in the right place, like setting the table in the right way,
to be able to go in and have this conversation? I like Colossians 4:6 here, “Let your conversation
be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” When
you talk with people and answer them, when you're putting forth a boundary yourself,
the issue there is not to appease them or please them because they may not like it.
But you can honor, and may I say it this way, to actually please and honor yourself, and say,
“I am speaking my own truth.” Maybe you've had a whole life all through childhood where
you didn't speak your truth. Now it's time to do that. Leave the outcome — the other
person gets to respond or react — and you can take all your truth and what you've done in
a boundary conversation, and you say, “God, I give all of this and this person to you.”