- Does life suck right now?
If so, hopefully by the end of this video,
I'm going to make it a little bit better,
maybe even a lot better.
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I'm Alicia Decker, founder of Mended Light.
Nobody likes to grieve because nobody wants to lose people
or opportunities they love.
But did you know that grief can actually help you
live in emotionally rewarding life?
Today, we're going to talk about five pitfalls
that people make that keep them stuck in grief
and how to mourn your losses in a positive way
that moves you forward.
Question,
what unexpected loss have you suffered in the past year?
Maybe a loved one has passed away.
Maybe you lost a job or an educational opportunity.
Maybe a relationship fell apart.
You've had health struggles,
or societal changes have upset your dreams.
Whatever painful loss you've experienced,
you're likely mourning what was,
or what you hoped would be.
You find yourself missing the past
or grieving over the future you wanted.
Perhaps you question how you can go on
without a person you care about in your life.
Grief is like manure.
It stinks and no one likes it,
but it is necessary for growth.
It can help us to blossom into our best selves,
our most compassionate selves, and our most grateful selves.
Of course, if we get stuck in grief,
then we never move forward and we can feel overcome
by depression, hopelessness, and anxiety.
If we misunderstand grief and try to sidestep it
or rush through it,
then we fail to see its purpose
and we feel worse instead of better.
You see, there are five major pitfalls
people make in managing their grief.
By knowing what they are and how to correct them,
you can come out the other side
a stronger, happier person.
Pitfall number one: trying to sidestep grief.
For some people, grief seems meaningless.
They recognize the loss, but think,
"There's no sense in crying about it,"
or, "Crying won't change anything."
They throw themselves into to-do's, busy work,
entertainment, projects, or taking care of others,
but fail to take care of themselves.
The thing is, if we don't allow ourselves to mourn,
those feelings will demand to be heard
until we listen to them.
In some cases, we have uncontrollable crying spells
at inappropriate times.
Other times, our sadness comes out as irritability and anger
towards ones we love or coworkers.
And we may even experience memory loss or amnesia
because stuffing our feelings down, they push back.
The cure for this is to recognize
that we have to be regular with our grief.
In other words, we need to cry when we feel like crying,
vent when we feel like venting,
and take some self-care time when we need it,
instead of trying to be a hero and push through.
When we allow ourselves to feel these things,
they run their course and no longer overwhelm us.
Pitfall number two: trying to rush through grief.
Other times, we may see the need to mourn,
but we want to get over it
so we can return back to our normal life.
We give ourselves five minutes when we need five hours.
We feel weak when we're still devastated
longer than we predicted.
We think one or two therapy sessions
should have been enough.
We set arbitrary timelines for ourselves
and grow frustrated or experience shame
when we're not where we want to be in the process
at a certain point in time.
The fact is, every individual is different
and every loss is different.
It really is true that we all cope with loss differently.
Be patient with yourself, trust your body,
trust your emotions when they tell you what you need.
You can't force matters of the heart.
The pain grows less intense and less frequent
as you allow yourself to feel it.
Accept it and release it.
Pitfall number three: hating the pain.
Loss is hard, it's heartbreaking.
It can be overwhelming, consuming, and even crippling.
We may find had ourselves
wishing we didn't have to feel the hurt,
seeing it as pointless, malicious, and stupid,
but grief can be purposeful.
We hurt because we lost something or someone dear to us.
The pain is because we care so much.
Pain is the price we pay for love.
The only way to live without pain is to live without love,
and that's not living.
There is no joy in that.
It's all part of our human experience.
What's more, everything we pass through
empowers us to help others if we let it.
Our pain gives us more compassion
for the pain of other people.
Our suffering helps us to develop empathy
for the struggles others go through.
This allows us to grow into better people,
have more connected and enriching lives,
and to love ourselves more
because there's more of us to love.
Pitfall number four: carrying it alone,
not wanting to be a burden.
Oftentimes we don't share our load
because we don't want to be a bother.
We assume that others have too much going on
and don't want to be a burden.
We may even feel that people don't care about us
or will be unable to help us,
or that other people's problems are worse than ours.
The thing is,
while some people may be too wrapped up in their own lives
to be there for you,
many, many more want to help, but often don't know how
or if they'd be welcomed to.
you may not know what they can do or what to ask for,
but honestly, just having someone to talk to
or sit with you, or hold you, or check in with you
can be a lifeline in your darkest of times.
Some of your closest relationships will come
from relying on someone to be there for you,
taking that risk and it paying off.
What's more?
There are professionals with powerful skill sets
who entered into their field specifically
so that you wouldn't have to be alone
in your time of greatest need,
but you can't wait for someone to approach you.
You have to ask for help yourself.
Pitfall five: refusing to move on.
In many cases, people struggle to take the next steps
towards entering a new relationship,
starting a new path, making new friends,
or doing the best they can with their new reality
because they're holding on to what came before so tightly.
It may feel like a betrayal of previous attachments
or an abandonment of a long-held dream,
and we don't like to give up.
The thing is, there are aspects of our lives
that are outside of our control.
Holding onto hopes that aren't going to happen,
people who have passed on or moved on, only keeps us stuck.
While we shouldn't be in a rush
to move on to the next thing,
we mustn't deny ourselves the growth
that comes from starting the next chapter of our lives.
We can honor and love what came before,
while making room in our hearts
for someone or something new.
What has helped you most
when it comes to dealing with grief?
Please comment below and share with us.
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