>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
TONIGHT, DONALD TRUMP IS HERE IN NEW YORK CITY BECAUSE TOMORROW
HE'S GOING TO ADDRESS THE U.N.
GENERAL ASSEMBLY.
HIS SPEECH IS GOING TO BE TRANSLATED INTO SIX LANGUAGES,
INCLUDING ENGLISH.
BUT THE BIG STORY IS THE NEW SEXUAL ASSAULT ALLEGATIONS
AGAINST SUPREME COURT NOMINEE, AND MAN ABOUT TO SHOW YOU HOW
BUNNIES MAKE MORE BUNNIES, BRETT KAVANAUGH.
LAST NIGHT, "THE NEW YORKER" PUBLISHED ACCUSATIONS FROM A
YALE CLASSMATE OF KAVANAUGH'S NAMED DEBORAH RAMIREZ, WHO
SAID, "SHE REMEMBERS KAVANAUGH EXPOSED HIMSELF AT A DRUNKEN
DORMITORY PARTY, THRUST HIS PENIS IN HER FACE, AND CAUSED
HER TO TOUCH IT WITHOUT HER CONSENT, AS SHE PUSHED HIM
AWAY."
WOW.
SERIOUSLY THAT'S NOT GOOD.
YOU EXPECT HA AT DARTMOUTH BUT YALE.
WOW.
AT LEAST, PLEASE, PLEASE TELL ME HIS PENIS WAS WEARING A BOWTIE.
NOW, RAMIREZ ACKNOWLEDGES THAT SHE HAS GAPS IN HER MEMORY,
BECAUSE SHE HAD ALSO BEEN DRINKING THAT NIGHT, BUT SHE
REMEMBERS THAT SOMEBODY YELLED DOWN THE HALL, "BRETT KAVANAUGH
JUST PUT HIS PENIS IN DEBBIE'S FACE."
AND FURTHER DOWN THE HALL, A 50-YEAR-OLD CHUCK GRASSLEY
YELLED, "GET THAT MAN ON THE SUPREME COURT!"
NOW, HER MEMORY MIGHT BE A LITTLE FUZZY, 'CAUSE I DOUBT HE
WAXED, BUT "THE NEW YORKER" LEARNED ABOUT THIS BECAUSE
RAMIREZ'S CLASSMATES AT YALE WERE TALKING TO EACH OTHER ABOUT
IT.
THEY WERE EMAILING ABOUT IT BACK IN JULY BEFORE CHRISTINE BLASEY
FORD CAME FORWARD."
I BELIEVE WE HAVE ONE OF THE EMAILS.
"HEY, REMEMBER THAT GUY IN COLLEGE WE CALLED 'THE FLOPPY
BANDIT?' TURN ON CNN."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> THOSE WHAT THEY CALLED HIM.
Stephen: THAT'S WHAT THE E-MAIL SAID.
OBVIOUSLY THIS IS A DISTURBING ALLEGATION THAT HAS TO BE
INVESTIGATED.
YOU DON'T WANT TO CONFIRM A PERV TO A JOB WHERE YOU GET TO WEAR A
ROBE EVERY DAY.
WE COULDN'T THOUGH AT THIS POINT.
AND JUST MINUTES BEFORE "THE NEW YORKER" STORY DROPPED, ANOTHER
ALLEGATION WAS ANNOUNCED BY STORMY DANIELS' LAWYER, AND SEXY
LACROSSE BALL, MICHAEL AVENATTI.
HE TWEETED THAT "I REPRESENT A WOMAN WITH CREDIBLE INFORMATION
REGARDING JUDGE KAVANAUGH."
AND LATER SHARED AN EMAIL THAT CLAIMS KAVANAUGH "PARTICIPATED
IN THE TARGETING OF WOMEN WITH ALCOHOL/DRUGS IN ORDER TO ALLOW
A GROUP OF MEN TO SUBSEQUENTLY..."
AND I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO SAY WHAT, BECAUSE IT'S JUST TOO
HORRIBLE FOR CBS.
AND THIS IS THE NETWORK THAT AIRS "MOST CORPSES IN PRIME
TIME!" HOW, PROUDLY.
THEY WON THE EMMY FOR MOST CORPSES IN PRIME TIME, I
BELIEVE.
NOW, WE DON'T KNOW WHO THE THIRD ACCUSER IS OR THE SUBSTANCE OF
THE ACCUSATION, BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP TRUMP FROM KNOWING WHO THE
REAL VICTIM IS HERE: >> THERE'S A CHANCE THAT THIS
COULD BE ONE OF THE SINGLE MOST UNFAIR, UNJUST THINGS TO HAPPEN
TO A CANDIDATE FOR ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: "IT'S NOT FAIR THAT HE HAD THREE ACCUSATIONS AND HE
MIGHT NOT GET THE GIG.
I HAD 19 AND THEY GAVE ME THE LAUNCH CODES."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: FIVE, SIX, SEVEN,
EIGHT -- I CAN'T COUNT.
AND THIS ISN'T THE ONLY TIME HE'S WEIGHED IN.
AFTER BEING PRAISED MOST OF LAST WEEK FOR STAYING ABOVE THE FRAY,
ON FRIDAY, TRUMP REMEMBERED HOW DUMB HE IS, AND TWEETED, "I HAVE
NO DOUBT THAT, IF THE ATTACK ON DR. FORD WAS AS BAD AS SHE SAYS,
CHARGES WOULD HAVE BEEN IMMEDIATELY FILED WITH LOCAL LAW
ENFORCEMENT AUTHORITIES BY EITHER HER OR HER LOVING
PARENTS.
I ASK THAT SHE BRING THOSE FILINGS FORWARD SO THAT WE CAN
LEARN DATE, TIME, AND PLACE!" YES, "BRING THOSE FILINGS
FORWARD," SAID THE MAN WHO'S AFRAID TO RELEASE HIS TAX
RETURNS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: ALSO --
ALSO WEIGHING IN WAS CHAIRMAN OF THE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE, AND OLD
MAN AT THE CROSSROADS TELLING YOU TO "GOOO BAAACK!
GOOOO BACK!" CHUCK GRASSLEY.
GRASSLEY SPENT DAYS TRYING TO PRESSURE BLASEY FORD TO TESTIFY
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, BUT THEN PUSHING BACK THE DEADLINE
MULTIPLE TIMES.
SO ON FRIDAY, HE TWEETED AN APOLOGY TO THE PERSON HE'S
PROMISED TO INVESTIGATE: "JUDGE KAVANAUGH, I JUST GRANTED
ANOTHER EXTENSION TO DR. FORD TO DECIDE IF SHE WANTS TO PROCEED
WITH THE STATEMENT SHE MADE LAST WEEK TO TESTIFY TO THE SENATE.
SHE SHOULD DECIDE, SO WE CAN MOVE ON.
I WANT TO HEAR HER.
I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND.
IT'S NOT MY NORMAL APPROACH TO BE INDECISIVE."
OKAY, HE KNOWS THIS IS A TWEET, NOT A TEXT, RIGHT?
EVERYBODY CAN SEE WHAT YOU'RE TYPING!
"DEAREST JUDGE KAVANAUGH, I HOPE THIS TWITTER LETTER FINDS YOU
WELL.
LOVE TO THE MISSUS.
SINCERELY, SEN. GRASSLEY.
NOW TO PUT THIS PHONE IN AN ENVELOPE AND SEND IT TO YOU!
LOVE, CHUCK."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: DOES ANYONE HAVE A ENVELOPE?
THANK YOU.
FOR HIS PART CAL THIS IS A BOLD DEPARTMENT STRATEGY, A
THOUPBSING, "HE HAS CALENDARS FROM THE SUMMER OF
1982 THAT HE PLANS TO HAND OVER TO THE SENATE JUDICIARY
COMMITTEE THAT DO NOT SHOW A PARTY CONSISTENT WITH THE
DESCRIPTION OF HIS ACCUSER."
HE KEPT A CALENDAR IN HIGH SCHOOL?
AND WE HAVE OBTAINED A COPY.
IT WAS THE 1982 "ALIBI OF THE DAY" CALENDAR.
WHO HANGS ONTO TH * HOL CAL ENDER.
HAVE YOU KEPT YOUR STUFF FROM HIGH SCHOOL IS THIS THE ONLY
THING I HAVE FROM HIGH SCHOOL ARE DEEP EMOTIONAL SCARS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> PEOPLE AGREE.
Stephen: BUT YOU KEEP THOSE TPUPD RAISING LETTERS COMING.