- Wait, is Robert Downey Jr's Dolittle worse than Cats?
Fans of the Marvel Cinematic Universe
have been long waiting to see what Robert Downey Jr
would get up to after his memorable turn
as Tony Stark AKA Iron Man AKA the heart of the MCU.
And, when it turned out to be a new take on Dr Dolittle,
we all scratched our heads a bit.
But we're like, sure okay, why not?
Then, when we saw the Dolittle trailer
with the weird choice of a pseudo Welsh accent going on,
we developed a scalp issue due to all the head scratching,
we went to the doctor and got an ointment so we're fine
but it's worth noting that this is a kids movie
and wasn't made for us, which is fine,
not everything needs to be made for us specifically.
However, with the reviews for Dolittle coming out this week,
it feels like this movie might not be for anyone
and maybe, just maybe, Cats might be getting
knocked off its pedestal as the most (bleep) film
in recent memory featuring CGI animals played by celebs
in favor of another (bleep) film
full of CGI animals played by celebs.
So let's check out these reviews to see
if it's really as bad as people are saying.
As always, we'll start with the positive.
Vanity Fair's Richard Lawson had this to say,
"Technically speaking Dolittle is a film made for children.
"So we should probably mostly view it through that lens.
"In that regard, the movie is perfectly okay.
"The little ones in my audience sounded plenty enthralled
"in the beginning stretches of the movie,
"laughing when the one computer animal
"hit the computer animal on the head,
"shrieking with delight whenever a kooky-cute
"new character popped up on screen."
Well that's not so bad and, in fact, it seems to be
the trend for the positive points of the movie,
it's a serviceable movie for its target audience,
children who enjoy talking animals.
And, to be honest, isn't that all children?
Maybe this thing might become a hit after all.
(cheering)
Of course, not everyone was so kind.
Matt Singer over at Screen Crush
ponders some of the choices made saying,
"It appears that, at a certain point,
"someone in a position of power determined that this movie
"could not be saved but it could be shortened.
"And so Dolittle is absolutely relentless,
"a non-stop 100 minute assault of putrid gags,
"abysmal stunts and celebrity vocal cameos."
He went on to say, "Dolittle is the kind of bad movie
"that puts the badness of other films in perspective.
"The current bad movie du jour, Cats,
"is bizarre and alarming but at least it's consistent
"in it's presentation of a nightmarish world
"populated only by weirdly sexual human cat hybrids.
"Cats is deranged but it's still something."
In the words of a talking dog
that probably appears in Dolittle, woof.
IGN's review doesn't add any hope,
Dolittle is structured like it was written
by a room full of monkeys lazily
banging on typewriters between (bleep) slinging,
then cut together by a blind man with broken fingers.
And then, okay you might be thinking,
so technically it's a mess but is it entertaining?
Not really.
To be fair if there was a movie to be written by monkeys
with command of English language, this would be apt.
Vulture says it all in their headline,
Dolittle is anti-cinema.
And ends with the line, Dolittle is a calamity for the ages.
David Sims over at The Atlantic seemed baffled by the film.
Characters appear and vanish
from the action with no explanation.
At one point, Dolittle and company are welcomed aboard
a new boat by a bearded man who announces, "I'm Jeff."
And is never seen or mentioned again.
Somehow the supporting cast
of humans emerges largely unscathed.
Antonio Banderas is a compelling pirate king,
Michael Sheen is a hilariously preening villain
but that barely matters in a movie
where 90% of the dialogue consists of bargain basement
sitcom zingers delivered by ducks and squirrels.
Rolling Stones' Peter Travers laments
what the film has done to RDJ.
"This out and out disaster dissolves
"in a puddle of botched intentions that will leave children
"sad and confused and adults scratching their heads."
He goes on to say, "There really is no excuse
"for the harm done to Downey, a world class actor
"who's sucked down into this quicksand of a movie
"that even Iron Man couldn't salvage.
"Let's start with that accent: Is it British?
"Welsh? "Scottish?
"Some amalgam of all three?
"His dialogue appears to be dubbed;
"at times, his lips don't move with he's saying.
"And when he is actually decipherable, it's all in service
"of a plot that defies logic or basic human interest."
Ty Burr at the Boston Globe compares the film
to the original Hugh Lofting books,
"I definitely don't recall a scene in the books in which the
"good doctor has to perform a rectal probe on said dragon,
"with much comic passing of gas.
"If that strikes you as hilarious, by all means go with God.
"Otherwise, stick with the books."
Actually we're gonna count this one as a positive.
In fact that sentence made some of us
in the office wanna see the film more than
anything else has, we're looking at you Steven.
Let's see if any other reviews
follow up on this dragon's ass business.
Our colleagues over at /Film mention
the scene in question saying,
"This is a movie that features a scene
"in which Dolittle sticks a leek up a dragon's ass
"to dislodge skeletons, pieces of armor
"and what looks to be the entire Spanish Inquisition.
"At the end, the dragon rewards him with a tender
"thank you and a long, drawn out fart in his face."
Okay you know what?
We've changed our minds we're totally on board
for this film no ifs, ands or buts about it.
(farting)
But what do you folks think?
Are you on board to see how bad it can be?
Or does Dolittle do little for you?
Are you impressed we restrained ourselves
with only one Dolittle pun?
And could RDJ's rumored cameo in Black Widow
be just to wash away the bad taste of Dolittle?
Or will it do little for him?
Let's discuss.
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