- Hey there.
Are you dealing with a narcissist and you wanna know
how to checkmate them, how to shut them down?
Whether you're negotiating with them
or just dealing with them, by the end of this video,
you're gonna know exactly how to do just that.
Hi, I'm Rebecca Zung, I am an attorney,
I've written a couple of bestselling books,
"Negotiate Like You M.A.T.T.E.R." and "Breaking Free:
A Step-By-Step Divorce Guide", and what I do here
on this channel is I teach people
how to negotiate with narcissists.
If you're dealing with one, trying to manage one,
trying to shut them down, whatever it is
that you're trying to do, then make sure that you subscribe
to my channel 'cause I'm here to help you.
I got your back, I'm supporting you,
it's so time for you to shift that dynamic
and get on top of this and finally take control, right?
So let's talk today about how to checkmate that narcissist.
Especially when you're in negotiating with them,
you really wanna try to grab the edge,
you really wanna try to change it around.
I kind of often think about it as like you're playing
tug of war and where is that rope?
Right?
Is it in the middle or is it kinda going back and forth
or are you just feeling like, you're about to lose
over here, you're about to fall on the ground,
'cause they've got, you pulled so far?
Right?
Or, I guess they would be the one falling on the ground,
but you're the one who's about to fall on the ground
in their turf, right?
Because you just feel like you could just can't get
on top of it, you can't seem to figure out
how to get it going in the other direction,
and I know a lot of times, you do feel
like you are constantly on the defensive,
you feel like you're constantly like that turtle
on the back of your shell and they've got their foot on you,
right, and your arms and legs are up in the air,
but there is definitely a way to shift that power,
shift that power dynamic so that you finally
feel like you're the one who is in control.
So the first thing that you can do, and we've talked
about this before, but it's really, really important
that you understand that you need to put
super strong boundaries into place.
I've had to deal with a couple of narcissists
in my own life, it has been super toxic,
it was super horrible, it was very traumatic,
it took over my brain, it took over my life
and my narcissist weren't even as a husband,
it was a business partner and a family member,
but it's still like absolutely horrible.
I mean, I'm actually an empath at heart
and so I was constantly feeling every single piece of it
and I obsess over it and I ruminate over it,
and it just is so horrible.
So just developing those super strong boundaries
is a really good way to kinda get going with it
and start to take that toxicity away from you
so that you can start to heal and you can start
to get your brain back,
because it's almost like deprogramming,
like you've been programmed and traumatized
by these people so much.
So how do you do that?
How do you put strong boundaries into place?
Well, one of them is definitely going
to be not engaging with them, I mean,
at least to the extent that you can,
so at least minimal engagement, keep your conversations
with them brief, keep them on topic,
the things that you actually need to talk to them about.
So that's definitely one way you can have strong boundaries.
Another way you can have strong boundaries
is by setting parameters.
"Okay, we'll talk, but we're gonna talk about this.
This is the topic, we're not gonna talk about anything else
other than that."
One of the things that I also did to set boundaries
that I found really effective is blocking these people
on social media so that you're not constantly
looking at them, especially if you know that they're trying
to post stuff that's going to trigger you or try to show you
how wonderful their life is or that they've moved on
or they have somebody else,
or they've got other things going on in their business
and you're not included in that, and these bullying tactics,
just block them, just block them all,
block them so that you don't have to look at it,
so that they're not looking at your stuff,
and you can just start to move on with your life.
The other way that you can have
really super strong boundaries is to find
one form of communication.
An email is definitely best, I would definitely say
that it's the easiest form of communication
that potentially down the road could be used
as a trial exhibit if you need to.
Text messages tend to be long running things
and sometimes there's not always a time and date stamp,
and sometimes the entire conversation's
not always included there.
So, I would definitely say email is optimum.
The next thing that you can do to checkmate
that narcissist and try to shut them down
is using phrases that shut the down.
And one of the things that you can say is something like,
"I agree that's what you think.
I agree that that's how you feel."
You're not agreeing with anything when you say that,
but you're making them think you're agreeing
with something, right?
Another way to do that is, "I understand
that that's your perception, I understand
that that's your position.
I understand your thoughts on this."
And again, you're not really doing anything
by saying that, but you're just kinda disarming them,
it takes them off their game and it makes them wobble,
they're like, "Oh, what did they say?"
And you're sort of lulling them into thinking
that you're kinda going along with them.
And then the next one is, "I'm sorry that's what you think.
I'm sorry that's your perception.
I'm sorry that's your position.
I'm sorry that's how you feel.
I'm sorry that we're in this situation."
These are all phrases that you can use to shut them down
and I have a lot more on these in my
"Phrases to Shut Down Narcissists",
so definitely check that out
and you'll get way more of those in there.
All right, so next thing that you can do
is control your emotions.
By controlling your emotions, you're starting
to break free of them, you're starting to not allow them
to trigger you anymore.
And by the way, if you are so ready to break free
from narcissists at all in your life,
give me a break free in the comments below, all right?
So the in controlling your emotions, one of the ways
that you can do it is kinda see it as a game.
I interviewed Judge Lynn Toler and you can definitely
check out that video if you'd like,
but one of the things that she said was see it as a game,
kinda make it fun.
Not that it is a game, not that it's like
not a serious situation, but kinda getting yourself psyched
into not feeling so like this is life or death all the time,
you sort of like watch the words go by you,
or sort of watch them as if they're two-year-olds
having a tantrum on the floor, because the more
that you can do this, the more that you can disengage,
the less power they're going to have over you
in the negotiations, the less chance you'll have
to be triggered and the more power you'll have
in your own right and the more from that you will feel
in your position and you'll start to build your confidence
in the whole thing.
And your mindset is so, so important.
The more confident you feel, the better that you will be.
Remember that people will think what you tell them to think,
so you want them to believe that you are strong,
you are powerful and that you are going
to win this thing, all right?
So, and then the last thing that you can do to checkmate
a narcissist is to go no-contact completely.
The way I look at it is like erase them from the CPU
like they never existed in your life.
You were doing fine before they came along,
you can do fine when they're gone,
just like as if they didn't even exist.
So to the extent that you possibly can, obviously,
if you're co-parenting with a narcissist,
you're still gonna have to see their face,
but maybe not, maybe you can just parallel parent
and use some kind of parenting app
and not even have to see them, or if it's a family member
or whatever, you just try to keep it as brief as possible
and go back to some of the other things I said,
but if you can go no contact completely, that's the plum,
that's the best way to do it, that is for sure.
That is what definitely helped me and I know
it will definitely help you too.
And so, by the way, if you're getting ready to negotiate
with a narcissist, make sure to grab my free
Crush My Negotiation prep worksheet
at winmynegotiation.com, it's just at the link below.
And by the way, if you wanna join
my free private Facebook group, you are certainly welcome
to do that at Narcissist Negotiators With Rebecca Zung.
I'm Rebecca Zung, I'm so glad that you stopped
by my channel.
If you like this video, make sure you like it,
you share it, you drop me a comment, make sure you subscribe
to my channel so that you can get more content,
I've got more videos for you.
I'm here to help you, I'm here to help you navigate
negotiating with narcissists.
So make sure you subscribe and hit that notification bell
and remember, today is a great day to start negotiating
your best life.
So I will see you in the next video.