>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
IT IS FRIDAY HERE AND ON THE "LATE SHOW" "THAT MEANS ONE
THING: "FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!"
A NO-HOLDS BARRED SHOWDOWN BETWEEN TWO THINGS LIKE THE
EASTER BUNNY VS. BIG BIRD, OR BASKETBALL MICHAEL JORDAN VS.
BASEBALL MICHAEL JORDAN.
CAP'N CRUNCH VS. THE ROOF OF YOUR MOUTH.
THEN WE POST THOSE MATCH-UPS ON TWITTER WE AND LET YOU VOTE ON
THE WINNERS.
THIS IS...
>> Audience: FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!"
WE'RE ALL FIRED UP.
FIRST UP, LET'S LOOK AT THE RESULTS OF OUR LAST FRIDAY NIGHT
FIGHT, WHERE MY OPPONENT WAS NOTED FUNNY LARGE-MAN ROB
RIGGLE.
THE MATCHUP WAS THE GIRL FROM THE RING VS. CASPER THE FRIENDLY
GHOST.
ROB WENT WITH CASPER, AND IT WAS A SQUEAKER, FOLKS, BUT WITH
53% OF YOUR VOTES, THE WINNER WAS ME WITH THE GIRL FROM THE
RING!
IN YOUR FACE, ROB RIGGLE.
( APPLAUSE ) I BEAT YOU THE WAY I BEAT ALL MY
OPPONENTS-- BY LETTING A LITTLE GIRL FIGHT FOR ME.
NOW LETS MEET THIS WEEK'S OPPONENT.
HE'S AN ACTOR, A SCREENWRITER, AND FELIX ON CBS'S "THE ODD
COUPLE," PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR THOMAS LENNON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOOD TO SEE YOU, MY FRIEND.
THANKS SO MUCH.
THOMAS, THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER A LONG TIME.
YOU'RE A FORMIDABLE OPPONENT.
YOU KNOW I RESPECT YOU, DON'T YOU?
>> THANK YOU, I'M GLAD TO BE HERE FOR "FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS."
LET'S DO THIS.
NOW, AS A MEMBER OF "THE ODD COUPLE," YOU'RE NO STRANGER TO
UNLIKELY PAIRINGS.
SO YOU READY TO GET MESSY?
LET'S GET MESSY.
>> Stephen: THEN LET'S DO IT, BECAUSE TONIGHT IS A RARE TAG
TEAM EDITION, PITTING GANDALF AND OPTIMUS PRIME VERSUS
DUMBLEDORE AND VOLTRON.
LET'S GO TO THE TALE OF THE TAPE.
FIRST UP, GANDALF AND OPTIMUS PRIME.
COMING IN AT A COMBINED 4.3 METRIC TONS, AND MORE OF THAT IS
GANDALF THAN HE WOULD LIKE TO ADMIT.
STRENGTHS INCLUDE GANDALF'S IMPERVIOUS TO FIRE ATTACKS AND
OPTIMUS PRIME'S ABILITY TO TURN INTO AN 18-WHEELER IN CASE THEY
NEED TO MOVE ANY BULK DRY GOODS DOWN THE INTERSTATE.
WEAKNESSES INCLUDE GANDALF'S CONSTANT SMOKING OF THE HOBBIT'S
PIPE WEED MEANS HE MIGHT BE A LITTLE FREAKED OUT BY A GIANT
TALKING ROBOT.
BUT THEY'RE NOT THE ONLY WIZARD-ROBOT COMBO ON THE BLOCK.
THEY'LL BE TAKING ON THE TAG TEAM OF DUMBLEDORE AND VOLTRON.
COMING IN AT 700 TONS, THE HEADMASTER OF HOGWARTS HAS A
NEW CLASS OF STUDENTS: FIVE FAR-OUT TEENAGERS PILOTING
MECHANICAL SPACE LIONS WHO COMBINE TO FORM A 180-FOOT
HUMANOID FIGHTING MACHINE.
STRENGTHS INCLUDE FUNCTIONAL LION MOUTHS FOR HANDS AND FEET
AND TENURE.
WEAKNESSES INCLUDE OSTEOPEROSIS AND BEING MADE OF TEENAGERS,
MEANING HALF OF VOLTRON WANTS TO HOOK UP WITH THE OTHER HALF.
OKAY, THOMAS, WHO DO YOU LIKE IN THIS ONE?
OPTIMUS THE GREY OR DUMBLETRON?
WHAT SAY YOU?
>> STEPHEN, I THINK LIKE A LOT OF AMERICANS I HAVE WORRIED
ABOUT THIS EXACT SCENARIO FOR A LONG TIME.
AND I THINK IT WOULD BE CATASTROPHIC FOR MUGGLES, FOR
HUMANS, I PICK-- I THINK THIS IS A LANDSLIDE.
THE LAST TIME THERE WAS A MATCH-UP LIKE THIS WAS TYSON
BUTTERBEAN.
AND THE TYSON RIGHT HERE, CLEARLY, IS OPTIMUS PRIME AND
GANDALF.
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND, YOU THINK GANDALF THE GRAY AND Y'ALL
PRIME COULD TAKE DOWN DIMBLEDORE AND VOLTRON WHO IS NOT ONE
PARTNER BUT FIVE PARTNERS.
>> WE'LL GET TO THAT.
LET'S START WITH-- LET'S START WITH-- FIRST OF ALL, DIMBLEDORE,
WHILE A POWERFUL WIZARD WHO HAS AN ELDER WAND HE IS MOSTLY A
BUREAUCRAT.
HE RUNS HOGWATERS.
>> Stephen: GANDALF IS A HOBO!
GANDALF IS BASICALLY A HOBO!
HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A CASTLE.
>> GANDALF HAS A SWORD THAT HAS ITS OWN NAME IT'S GLAMDERRING.
>> Stephen: JUST GLAMDRING, NO "THE."
I DON'T WANT TO GET TECHNICAL ON YOU.
YOU'RE UP IN MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW.
>> LET'S GET BACK -- >> VOLTRON HAS A SWORD THAT IS
ALMOST 70 FEET LONG.
VOLTRON HAS A SWORD AS WELL JIECIALG LET'S GET BACK TO YOUR
FAVORITE WIZARD, DIMBLEDORE -- >> HE'S NOT MY FAVORITE WIZARD,
BUT I THINK HE CAN TAKE HIM.
>> WHO HAS TO KEEP HIS MEMORIES IN A BOWL IN HIS OFFICE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S HOW MANY HE HAS.
THAT'S HOW MANY HE HAS.
LET ME TELL YOU HOW TOUGH DIMBLEDORE IS.
THE GUY IS HARTLESS.
HE LETS SCHOOL CHILDREN DO HIS FIGHTING FOR HIM, OKAY.
HE WILL SEND THE KIDS OUT TO CLOG UP THE INTAKE VALVES, THE
CARBURETOR OF OPTIMUS WITH CHILDREN.
>> HE PROTECTED THE CHILDREN FROM SERIOUS BLACK.
THAT IS A LAPSE IN GOVERNMENT.
>> Stephen: ARE WE TALKING GANDALF THE GRAY OR GANDALF THE
WHITE.
DIMBLEDORE NOT IMMORTAL.
GANDALF, MORTALITY IS LIKE A BOX OF CRAYONS.
GOES OFF GANDALF THE GRAY, COMES BACK AS GANDALF THE WHITE.
COMES BACK AGAIN, GANDALF THE CHARTREUSE.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A MAGICAL WIZARD.
I HAVE A MAGICAL WIZARD.
CAN WE AGREE THE WIZARDS CANCEL EACH OTHER OUT.
YOU CAN AGREE TO THAT?
I DO NOT AGREE TO THAT.
YOU JUST SURRENDERED.
>> I DID NOT.
>> Stephen: YOU JUST SURRENDERED TO MY WIZARD.
>> I DIDN'T.
>> Stephen: OPTIMUS PRIME IS THE SIZE OF VOL TRAN'S LEG.
>>... SURRENDERED TO YOUR MORTAL WIZARD WHO DIED AT 116-- SPOILER
ALERT.
OH, I GOT AN ACTUAL BOO.
>> Stephen: YES, THEY'RE ACTUALLY AGAINST OW THIS ONE.
>> OKAY, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT OPTIMUS PRIME.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> LEADER OF THE AUTOBOT, THE MOST POWERFUL AUTOBOT.
AND NOT TO BRAG I KNOW ATHMUSPRIME.
>> PERHAPS YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR MEMORIES BACK OUT OF THE BOWL IN
YOUR OFFICE AND PUT THEM IN YOUR HEAD.
WOULD THAT BE HELPFUL TO YOU?
>> I SAW IT AND WAS CONFUSE GLD YOU WERE IN THE MOVIE?
I WAS MET SECOND HOBBIT MOVIE AND I CAN TELL YOU RIGHT NOW--
AND I HATE TO BLOW YOUR ILLUSIONS HERE BUT A LOT OF THAT
GANDALF STUFF WAS BEING DONE BY AN ACT PORP HE DOESN'T ALL
DONETSK ALL THAT STUFF.
>> LET'S KEEP THIS IN MIND ABOUT OPTIMUS PRIME.
NOT ONLY POWERFUL MISSILES WEAPONNIZED.
HE CAN ALSO BE A TRUCK, OF COURSE, HE CAN BA --
>> HE'S ONLY THE SIZE OF AN '-WHEELER.
HE COANL BE THE SIZE OF AN 18 WHEELER.
VOL TRANIS 180 FEET TALL AND HE CAN FLIEF.
CAN OPTIMUS PRIME FLY?
NO.
>> YES, HE CAN.
>> Stephen: HE RUNS.
>> HE CAN JUMP VERY, VERY HIGH.
HE CAN JUMP SO HIGH THAT IT'S BASICALLY FLYING.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH, SURE.
>> OPTIMUS PRIME HAS SURVIVED FOUR FILMS WITH MICHAEL BEY.
MEGAN FOX TWO, ME, PART OF ONE.
>> Stephen: THAT IS A GOOD POINT.
THAT IS A GOOD POWER PLANT.
I APOLOGIZE.
LET'S LET THESE PEOPLE PICK A WINNER RIGHT OUT HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AMERICA.
GET ON TWITTER AND VOTE, GANDALF AND OPTIMUS PRIME VS.
DUMBLEDORE AND VOLTRON.
YOU MAKES THE DECISION.
THIS HAS BEEN...
>> "FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS"!