(playful fast-paced music)
- If I buy a ticket through Delta system,
my name in their system is Nathan.
And on my license, my name is Nathaniel.
I do not remember making this decision.
(audience laughs)
It's a big deal. They can't just change it.
I've tried, I've asked Delta if they could change it.
And they're like, "we can't change it."
And you're like, and I don't know.
I don't know where we go from here, you know?
If you can't do it, who can do it?
I mean, do you call - is that why people call senators?
Do they do it?
'Cause I don't know.
(audience laughing)
What you have to do,
you have to mail your birth certificate.
And some moms give their children their birth certificates.
(audience laughs)
I've never received mine.
(audience laughs)
I thought I was the proof of my birth.
(audience laughs)
And you got to mail it in,
I've never been a big mail it in guy.
I've held maybe four letters my entire life.
I just never done it.
Stamps make me nervous because I don't know how many
you're supposed to put on.
Like, I like -
Or they're gonna be like "you should put one more on."
Uh and they changed the price of stamps
and that's not in the news.
You know, you don't find that out on Twitter.
You have to find out from old people.
They're the only people that know, they keep up with it.
They'll be like "Stamps went up" and you're like,
"Okay, um
alright,
is it a hundred dollars?"
Like they're furious.
"Is it a hundred dollars a stamp?"
"It's three more pennies."
So I will never go through that process
to get my name changed.
I just deal with it.
And it gets brought up.
Once I was checking a bag and the guy by the counter,
he sees my tickets as Nathan, the license says Nathaniel.
And he was like, "This is not good."
(audience laughing)
He goes, "These names don't match"
And I was like, "But they match, right?
Like you can see the leap that we took
to get from one to the other?"
(audience laughing)
He was like, "But they're not the same"
I was like, "But they're the same."
And I'm realizing he can not find out
people call me Nate at that point
because
he can't handle that.
He's going to call the police over to be like,
"there's a guy with three names trying to fly right here.
If you guys wanna just shoot him from over there
or something"
(audience laughs)
So I was like, "What do you want me to do?"
And he goes, "You should go home."
That's like honest, he said,
"I can't believe you've made it this far."
I was like, "Let me just try it, you know, should I try it?"
I said, "Look, I'll give you that those names don't match.
What I think is going to help a ton
is the picture on the ID.
(audience laughing)
Something that I've always loved that they did.
And I think
(laughter)
with 70% of that name matching and a 100% percent face,
(audience laughs)
it's 170%.
(audience laughing)
I think I'll get through."
And this is what he told me. This is honestly what he said.
He goes, uh, he goes
"Look, man, I get it. All right."
He's trying to relate to me.
And he was like,
"My name's Joseph, that's what's on my license.
So I can't buy a ticket under my nickname Bark,
They're not gonna let me through."
(audience laughs)
- Immigration is tough. You know,
they talking about this extreme bedding
and everything else that's happening.
Look, it took me 20 years to get my citizenship,
took my mom almost 21 years, outrageously long, 20 years.
Like I didn't have a pair for 10 of those 20 years.
I traveled the world doing stand-up comedy
without a passport.
Really difficult to pull off by the way.
(laughter)
I had what they call a refugee travel document.
And on front of this document that says
Department of Homeland Security, all right.
On the inside, in all caps, it says,
this is not a U.S. Passport.
Confuses everybody that I interact with,
including the kiosk machine, checking in right?
Like you get a passport and you scan your passport.
You get your boarding pass and you out.
"Ba, party! We're leavin'!"
All right, well my shit doesn't scan
so I have to show up and be like,
"Oh, excuse me, excuse me. Can you please help me check in?"
She's like, "Sir, please scan your passport."
"I don't know why you're yelling at me. I just got here.
Yeah. I was here a week ago and it didn't scan.
So I was just- can you please help me check in?"
"Sir did you try it today?"
I said "That's a really good observation.
I didn't think about it today. Maybe today it works."
(audience laughing)
I scan my travel document. Huge exclamation point comes up.
"Please seek help from representative."
I go "Excuse me ma'am, the check engine light
just came on on this damn thing. It's about to explode.
Can you please help me check in?" She shows up.
She's like, "Sir, just give me your passport."
Oh God. So give it to her,
She's like "Okay.."
"Uh sir. This is not a passport."
I was like, "Yeah I know,
I've been trying to talk to you since I got here.
See, it's, it's a, it's a,
it's a travel document so I can travel with it.
Because there's visas issued from the countries that I'm
visiting, so obviously I could travel with it."
She's like, "Sir,
this
is not
a passport."
(audience laughs)
"I speak English perfectly ma'am,
I don't know why he talking to me this way.
See, in 1948, the United Nations was founded.
And in 1951, they had a Geneva Convention
and they created a Geneva passport
(audience cheers)
that allows refugees and asylees to travel
while they're seeking asylum
from their respective countries. But you know what?
I'm just gonna blow up this whole fucking airport!
That's what I'm going to do.
(cheers)
I mean, my God,
you're just making it really difficult for me
to maintain my ethics in this situation.
Like, I just want to fucking go nuts.
Like, why are you making it so difficult
for me to be an ethical person?"
Like, it's just all these fucking roadblocks.
This is the beginning of a 20 hour journey.
Like, can you imagine this is just checking in. All right.
This is just checking in - next time,
(mocks) "This isn't a passport."
Next stop, (mocks) "This isn't a passport."
(slurs mockingly)"1949.. the.."
(mimics gun shot)
(audience laughing)
- Last time I flew out to Los Angeles,
I had a direct flight from Jersey
but I had the worst seat on the plane, right.
I had a middle seat, last row on a cross country flight.
Right? So obviously, yeah, I wasn't happy.
Um, the lady who had the aisle seat next to me,
she could tell I wasn't happy 'cause uh,
she had eyeballs and she could see my face.
(audience laughs)
And she was a white lady.
And I only mention that because I, when she saw my face,
what she said to me was,
"Ugh, I know,
it looks like we're in the back of the bus, huh?"
And I was like, "Whaat white lady?"
Yeah!
This flight just got fun.
(audience laughing)
But to be fair,
like, as soon as she said it, her face went beet red.
Right? She wasn't thinking,
she had a brain fart, that came out of her mouth. Right.
She wasn't trying to offend me.
I wasn't offended, ah but I am me.
So I did have to let her sit in it for a little bit. Right.
(audience laughing)
Gave her a little eyeball, uh hm.
Obviously I made her give me her pretzels as reparations.
'Cause that's, that's the rule,
because you're fine if you do that.
But she got through apologizing and I actually felt bad.
I was like, "Ma'am it's okay."
Right. Because I can be an asshole
but not in that way, where I like overreact to buzzwords.
Right. I can still discern intent, which is a thing
I feel like we're losing as a society. Right?
Like everybody who mentions your group
or mentions your race, every reference is not racism.
Right? Can we all agree?
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
(audience claps)
Thank you. Right.
Like for instance, if I said,
I don't know a - "White folks,
you can't bring your dogs everywhere you go."
Like that's not racist.
That's just the start of a necessary dialogue.
(laughter)
I lost a lot of y'all.
You're not ready to talk about it yet.
(chuckles softly)
Okay. We'll come back to it later,
but stop doing that shit.
It's annoying.
(whispers) It's horrible.
(laughter)
- I love LA.
I love any form of transit that moves you
from one floor to another.
That that's technology to me.
I appreciate that. Like escalators.
I love a good escalator, man.
You know, when you appreciate an escalator,
when you come upon a broken one at the mall
where you're like, "Hey, we'll hit Footlocker.
Then we'll get a slice of pizza and we can just - "
(long sigh)
"Let's just do it tomorrow. We'll do it tomorrow.
I'm out of here."
(audience laughs)
By the way, when you get on an escalator,
do me a favor, just grab the hand rail and just stand there.
Let life take over.
Let it raise you from one floor to another.
Can't stand the people who still feel the need to walk.
(laughter)
Same idiots, it's always, it's usually the guy
with the NutriBullet full of greens.
That guy, "Excuse me,
(audience laughing)
on the left. Excuse me. Excuse me."
I don't let them by. I get all big.
I'm like, "No, not happening.
No,
no."
"Excuse me!"
"Nope. Not happening.
Big man. Pilates time."
(audience laughing)
I love those people movers at the airport,
but they're so random that's the only problem.
You could be walking with your luggage for like two miles.
And then out of nowhere, the airport's like, "You know what?
Give him a little strip of like 18 feet right there."
(audience laughs)
"Just 18 feet?"
"Yeah. Just 18 feet is plenty.
Just give him a false sense of hope
before they walk the additional 42 miles
into the parking garage."
(audience laughing)
I use them though.
I could literally walk by a people mover and be like,
"Oh, they got to people mover I didn't see that."
(audience laughing)
You ever been on the people mover and you realize there's
somebody walking outside the people mover
at the exact same speed as you?
You can't even make eye contact with them.
You just,
slowly turn yourself away from them kinda.
This is when I do a lot of my deep thinking,
like
"What kind of a fat, lazy sea lion are you?
(audience laughs)
You couldn't walk in additional 18 feet?
It's 18 feet, man! Come on, you are a manatee.
You know that? You sicken me. You sicken me.
No more starting New Years, no more starting Monday.
You're starting now! Turn your life around."
I feel so guilty.
You turn around and feel like you owe the guy an excuse,
"Yeah I'd be walking with you, man.
But I just, ah, I just helped a friend move this morning.
(audience laughs)
And then I ran a 5k,
6, a 6K, a bunch of Ks,
I'm not sure how many."
He's carrying like four bags of luggage.
I'm holding like a Wendy's bag, you know?
I'm not even holding it. I'm resting it on the rails.
I can't even lift my fat lunch for 18 feet.
(laughter)
You ever been on the people mover
and you realize you're passing a Cinnabon?
(shrieking laugher)
There should be a handbrake or an exit ramp!
(audience laughs)
If they did their research correctly they would realize
the people on the people mover,
(audience laughing)
that is your core Cinnabon audience!
(audience cheers)
If they were really supporting,
they'd have every people mover go directly into a Cinnabon.
Right, like a filtering in, like a luggage carousel,
fatties, just falling in
like "The heck was that? Oh, Cinnabon.
Yeah. I'll take two. Extra icing on both please.
Yeah."
(audience laughing)
Oh, Cinnabon should not have it.
- It's so good to be on a show like this.
You know what I'm saying? I do shows, you know,
like comedy shows, but you know,
it's usually a different roundup
of a - people.
(audience laughs)
Yeah I'm usually like the only a- Virgo.
(laughter)
Okay. Y'all didn't hear me.
(audience laughs)
Okay. A Virgo.
Like it don't just mean you born in September,
or August.
It's like, you ever watch like an Avenger movie? Right?
And like, you always know who goes die first?
(audience laughs)
The Virgo.
Yeah, okay yeah! We all on the same page.
(audience laughs)
And I've been saying that for a while.
Cause it came up one time.
I went to Canada one time to do a show right.
Not by myself, I mean it was a group of us,
but not like, not like Canada like, you know,
like (mocking noise).
Like no, like way up.
(laughter)
Yeah, we was like a mile from Santa Claus.
(audience laughs)
What they call the Arctic Circle, which was dope.
Cause we, we flew up there,
but not like from the airport,
(laughter)
yeah we flew to somebody's backyard.
(audience laughs)
Look, he picked us up and he said,
"Yo .. you know."
Picked us up from the real airport
then took us to his house.
And then he said, we're going to fly that way.
And I'm like "When are we going back to the airport?"
He goes, that's the plane right there. My friend."
(audience laughs)
I said "I thought that was a Corvette."
(silent audience)
You know what that is, right?
Do I have - y'all speak English right?
(audience laughs)
'Cause no, it had a tarp over it.
And we pulled the tarp off and it was an airplane.
And you know what you don't want to hear
before you get on a machine that can fly?
"You hand me the drill."
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "We gotta put this together?"
"No just fold the wing down (mimics noise)
and tighten it up."
Right. And it was like I said, it was a group of us,
very diverse, everybody, from different walks,
but I was the only "Virgo."
(audience laughs)
And everybody's like, "This is going to be great."
There was like, 'Ah, no"
(audience laughter)
And I don't know if you've ever flown
on a little plane like that. It's not like a regular plane
where you just get on and sit on and find your seat.
You have to step on a scale.
And I'm like, "What's this for?"
He goes, "Well, we have to weigh you
to see where you going to sit on the plane
and to determine how much fuel we're going to put in it."
And I was like,
"Whew, because don't really matter how much I weigh.
Let's just fill it up."
(audience laughing)
I was lookin' around to see
if that sounded crazy to the rest of the horoscope.
(audience laughing)
And check it out. Because my height, my weight,
I had to sit right next to him. Like a copilot, yeah.
Yeah we flying over the frozen Tundra.
Have you ever seen somebody do something that you don't know
how to do, but you give them advice.
(audience laughs)
Something in you say "This motherfucker doing this wrong."
'Cause we flyin' like this -
(mimics plane noise)
(audience laughs and cheers)
I was like, "Hey man, keep your foot on the pedal."
(laughter)
See how cool I said that.
I was nervous, don't get me wrong.
But I had to stay, you know, calm.
Cause you know, I don't want to get excited
on those little planes they have a voice recorder
in case the plane crash, you know?
And they can identify the body, right.
So they listen to the voice recorder.
And I didn't want it to be,
well yeah, just say we crash,
I didn't want to say, I didn't want them
to listen to it and to say something
like, "Aw shit, we about to crash.
And you know what motherfucka?
I knew I shouldn't have gotten on this fuckin' plane.
And guess what bitch, I'm not gon' die first.
'Cause I'm gonna stab you, stab you, stab you."
(audience laughing)
Then they would have said something like,
well we can't identify the bodies,
but pretty sure one
was Virgo.
(audience claps)
- It started with the packing.
Everything broke down with the fucking packing.
Everything was going good. We was packing.
She was packing. I was packing.
Everything felt respectable.
But then she started packing a third bag
and that really confused me. Cause she only has two arms.
(audience laughs)
So I was like, how you packing three bags with two arms,
baby girl?
You don't got enough arms for the bags you packin'.
What a presumptuous, bold fucking move
to pack bags you don't got fucking arms for.
(audience laughs)
Who's supposed to be in charge of these fucking bags?
Who's going to be the boss, bitch? I don't understand.
And then we got to the airport and it caused a fight
because she forgets. I'm not a man.
I'm not a fucking man. I'm not.
So I don't have any chivalry. I don't give a fuck.
I don't give a fuck.
I am a whole bitch. I have no chivalry in me.
Are you crazy?
So it's not like I saw her struggling
with the bags and I was like, "I can't let my baby struggle.
Gotta get these bags."
(audience laughing)
Fuck no, I was just like "Stupid bitch bring less bags.
Dumb mother fucker, that was dumb as all hell
bringing bags, you ain't got enough arms for.
Who the fuck does that?
You see, I got bags for arms baby girl.
That's how I God damn roll.
The hell is wrong with you?"
So she's struggling, looking stupid.
And I'm just watching, like "Mm mm mm" you know.
Then this dude comes and tries to save the day
'cause that's what dudes like to do. You know?
Especially when men see like a masculine woman,
that's their favorite shade. They like to come like
(mocking) "I got the real dick."
(audience laughing)
Goofy fucks.
"I got it, where you want, where you need my dick to go?"
(audience laughing)
"What if you had my dick. Got it right here.
What you want, my dick on here? "
Shut up.
(laughter)
Fucking clown.
"I got the real, I got the real dick."
And he jacks up the bag
and then he looks at me
and he's like, "Now what?"
Like nigga get mine too!
You getting bags, get all the bitches bags!
The fuck do you think, I'm a lady carry my shit.
Be a fucking gentlemen.
(laughs)