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North Korea is a lot like North Dakota: they’re both small, they’re both isolated, they
both have a penchant for being run by dead people--and they both have some Americans
living there, although far from enough to justify two seats in the Senate.
If you’re like me, you might find it strange that despite North Korea having no American
embassy, and technically still being at war with the US, the Hermit Kingdom is home to
a handful of resourceful, scrappy, independent, technically sort-of-treasonous Americans.
But, then again, you’re probably not like me: I run a semi-successful YouTube channel
about silly little facts, and you probably have a real job.
How many Americans live there, you ask?
That’s a great question, to which I’ll give the same answer I gave when asked how
many tic tacs I could fit in my mouth at once: I’m not totally sure, but probably around
200.
Americans in North Korea come in three main flavors: former US citizens who have renounced
their citizenship and defected, still-citizen humanitarians and educators, and Rocky Road.
The first group, American defectors and their children, is also the smallest; in fact, we
only know for certain about two living ones: these guys, the Dresnok brothers, pictured
here tying for last in a Kim Jong-Un lookalike competition.
Why are they there?
Well, you see, in a conflict you likely learned but then forgot about in school, and then
learned about again, and forgot about again in one of the five videos I’ve made on North
Korea, back in the 1950s the US and the USSR were in something called the Cool Conflict
and they took a look at East Asia and went: hey… uh… nice Korea you’ve got there.
Sure would be a shame if we… did a war to it.
And so, they did do a war to it, and split the place into North Korea and Gangnam Style
Korea.
Once the war ended--which technically was never, but actually was in 1953--most of the
Americans who had been doing the war went home, but a few of them thought to themselves:
“Hey, you know what I’ve never tried before?
Living in the world’s most brutal fascist dictatorship!
Why not give that a go?”
And so, they did, and from 1953 to the 1980s, around 30 American prisoners of war and active
military personnel decided not to leave or slipped across the DMZ and into North Korea.
Some of them claim they did it to avoid court martial, or to avoid doing more war in Vietnam,
but everyone knows the real reason is because they had a crush on Kim Jong-Il.
Just look at those dimples.
Anyways, while most defectors have died, returned to the US, or relocated to China, an undisclosed
but likely very small number of descendents remain in North Korea and they don’t particularly
seem like they’re coming back.
And who can blame them?
Getting to play roles in propaganda films as evil Americans and wearing uniforms that
look taken from a high school production of Sound of Music is a level of fame that would
be hard to give up.
I mean, just look at how happy they are.
That’s the face of a man who feels great about his life decisions.
The larger, less permanent, and far less cosplay-y portion of North Korea’s American population
is made up of humanitarians and university professors.
Back in the 1990s, Christian groups took a break from protesting Kevin Smith movies and
yelling at Monica Lewinsky, and noticed that North Korea was suffering from brutal food
shortages and extensive flooding, so they started sending people and supplies into the
proudly atheist state, and they haven’t stopped since.
Now, this might seem like an odd arrangement considering North Korea’s stance on religion,
but Christians are really good at making themselves feel at home in places they aren’t initially
welcome--just ask the Aztecs, or the Incas, or the native Americans, or the Spanish, or
the Lebanese, or well, almost every country and ethnic group in the world, actually.
It was also a devout Christian who founded The Pyongyang University of Science and Technology,
which sounds like a poorly-disguised front for money laundering, but is actually a private
university that employs up to 70 Americans a semester.
At The Pyongyang University of Science and Technology, or TPUST--they don’t call it
that, but I think they should--western professors, mostly from the States, teach 500 of the nation’s
young elite in business and entrepreneurial classes, all in spoken English.
While it’s unclear how many Americans currently work there given the US’ ban on travel to
the country, it is still very much open and active.
Both the humanitarians and TPUST professors usually spend between three to six months
in North Korea, before heading back home to America and its many uniquely American comforts:
French fries, English muffins, Belgian waffles, Chinese takeout, etc.
But while they’re still in the land of the uncreative haircut, Americans have to find
things to do, and their options largely depend on where they’re located.
One common spot for Americans is the Rason Economic Zone, which is the chunk of the country
carved out for what industry and private investment exist in a country whose main export is nuclear
threats.
To North Korean eyes, the Rason Economic Zone would seem to be an international hub, but
it’s really more of an assortment of worn out Russian and Chinese businessmen hanging
out at a Chinese-funded casino.
For the TPUST professors, who are based in Pyongyang, the whole capital city is at their
fingertips—well, there are interpreters and guides who watch over foreigners, but
it’s more fun if you think of them as super-loyal, government-mandated travel buddies.
What was once viewed as the world’s most boring city is now home to a host of restaurants,
shopping centers, skating rinks, social clubs, heck, even sketchy Wi-Fi for foreigners to
enjoy… making Pyongyang, well, still probably one of the most boring cities in the world.
If you’re an American getting bored in Pyongyang, I’ve got a great idea for how you can stay
entertained.
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