Hey everybody,
Happy Monday.
Today we are going to talk about something that you have been asking for forever.
And that is,
What is it like to be in a relationship with a narcissist.
And how do we heal from it.
And since I believe journalling can help many of us in our healing process,
I just wanted to remind you that I offer journal prompts every Tuesday and Friday,
Through my YouTube membership's five dollar reward tier.
And I have a journal, 'Getting my shit together',
Available for sale as well.
Okay, now let's get into today's topic.
Being in a relationship with someone who is Narcissistic,
Can be, really trying.
While most people think a narcissist is just someone who thinks they're the best at everything,
It's really so much more than that.
A narcissist is someone who projects a made up or false self,
In order to avoid seeing their real self.
Which they often believe to be terrible and unlovable.
Someone with narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD,
And I'm just reading part of the DSM diagnostic criteria here,
They expect to be recognised as superior,
Even if they don't really do anything amazingly well.
They require excessive admoration.
And they have a sense of entitlement.
And they can also take advantage of others in order to get what they want.
Now, there is a lot more to this.
And if you want to watch my entire video all about the diagnosis itself,
I will link that in the description.
But today, I want to get in to what this can mean to someone,
Who is in a relationship with a narcissist.
Because many of you have told me just how traumatising and painful that can be.
Now I know many of you are wondering,
How anyone would knowingly enter into a relationship with a narcissist.
But trust me,
They are very charismatic.
And can make us feel special and wanted at first.
They charm us, until they know we care for them,
So that they can get all of our attention.
Or fulfil whatever other needs that they have.
In a way, a narcissist will pretend to care about us,
So that they have someone who supports their false sense of self.
They want us to think that they are amazing, and to tell them so.
And they also call this kind of time when they are being charming and to get our attention,
They call it love bombing.
Because they show us so much love and affection,
That we aren't able to think clearly,
And are able more open to being manipulated by them.
If we wont give that to them, you'll see their charm disappear almost immediately,
And you'll see them for who they truly are.
Another form of this, that is also very common is,
Future faking.
Where a narcissist will make promises, which are really lies,
About things that they are going to for you in the future.
Like, "We could get married"
Or you know, "I could take you on an amazing vacation"
And, "We're going to live happily ever after"
They do this as a way to persuade you to do something now,
In hopes of getting something that you want in the future.
But remember,
They have no intention of doing the things that they promised.
Those are completely false promises.
People with NPD also struggle with boundaries.
And they will push them constantly.
This could be as simple as you not returning their call or text right away,
Since they believe that they are the most important person,
And expect us to cater to their needs,
They see a boundary that we put in place as an attack.
Mostly because it challenges this false self that they are trying to project.
They will also show this disrespect by walking over,
What we would consider normal or societal boundaries.
Like borrowing money and never paying it back.
Or telling us that they will get us from the airport,
And never have any intention of doing it.
They feel that they can break any promises at any time.
But, if we were to do that to them,
They would call us disrespectful,
And even laundry list all the things they have done for us or given us,
And tell us how terrible we are.
They do not believe that anything is their fault.
And everything is someone else's doing.
Therefore, you will never hear a narcissist say, "I'm sorry".
Because they never believe that what they did was bad.
They are incapable of considering someone else's feelings,
Because, part of NPD, is lack of empathy.
They literally cannot imagine how that must have felt for you.
They can only think of themselves.
Which rolls into to be the biggest and most difficult part,
Of being in a relationship with someone who has NPD,
The manipulation.
People with NPD can use our empathy against us.
By guilting us for any slite they feel.
They can blame us for not reminding them of their appointment.
And when listing off all the ways they have helped us,
Or things they have bought for us,
They will say that we aren't grateful for them,
And all that they do for us.
And if that doesn't work,
If all of those manipulation techniques just fall flat,
They can make up negative things that people have said about us.
And worst of all,
When called out for all the terrible things that they have said and done over the years,
Or in that day or instance,
They will completely deny it.
Like as if it never happened.
And they can also gaslight people that they are in relationships with.
They will tell us that we are not remembering it the right way.
Like we remember everything wrong.
And it was us who did the terrible and hurtful things.
In short, there's really no way to have a constructive conversation with a narcissist.
You aren't going to convince them that they are wrong,
Or that they have done something hurtful,
They are not going to be able to say sorry.
And the relationship can really not improve.
Unless you give in to everything that they say and apologise,
And give them what they want.
Some of you have even told me about being emotionally blackmailed,
By a narcissist that you were in a relationship with.
And emotional blackmail,
Is when they threaten to hurt themselves or use shame as a way of controlling you.
Meaning, that they could say,
"If you leave me, I'm going to kill myself"
Or, "If you don't do this for me, then I'm going to tell all your friends what we did together."
And this is a form of emotional abuse.
And I know this may go without saying, but it's just important to know,
That this should never be a part of any relationship.
And this could also be accomplished through passive aggression.
Meaning, instead of telling you how they feel or what they wanted,
They just forget to put that check in the mail,
Or drag their feet until we're too late to make it to that event.
Which can be just as manipulative.
And they try all of these styles of manipulation until they get the response that they want.
And that's why it can be really hard to get out of a relationship with them.
Because they will continuously try to get you to stay and to do what they want.
And because we have empathy and care for them,
It can be hard to just up and leave.
We can have hope that it will get better,
Or that they will finally see their role in all of the fights and issues.
But, unless they decide to get help,
Which I'm going to be honest, is pretty rare,
That won't ever happen.
And, as we all know, but we can always use another reminder,
We can't make anyone do anything.
We all have free will.
And therefore, we can only control ourselves,
And what we allow in our relationships.
If we keep thinking,
"Things will get better, you know, as soon as they apologise"
We will be waiting forever for things to improve.
There is no way to be in a healthy relationship with someone with NPD.
Unless they are working on themselves and are in therapy.
But like I said, this is so rare.
And it goes against their projected false self, you know.
Because if we think about it, if the only way you know how to survive in the world,
Is to show off just how amazing you are,
And get constant validation and admiration by acting entitled.
Getting into therapy doesn't really make sense.
In therapy we have to admit when we're wrong.
It's hard, we have to get to know the real us,
And work on our communication skills.
And work to improve our relationships.
That could be too challenging to our projected false self,
And cause us to have to acknowledge who we really are.
And that could be difficult, if not impossible for people with NPD.
Now I have in no way covered all the difficulties or nuances,
Of being in a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder.
But I hope that this has helped you see where things could be going wrong,
And possibly validate some of your own experiences.
If any of you are in a relationship where you feel put down, used, or not listened to,
You don't have to stay.
I do believe we should all try and communicate before leaving a relationship.
But if you have tried communicating your boundaries,
You know, what you're okay with, you're not okay with.
And told them when you're feelings were hurt and why,
Only to have them ignore your wishes,
Never say sorry for the hurtful things they did.
It is in your best interest to end the relationship,
Before any more damage is done to you.
I know this is hard.
And like I said, we can still have hope that they will change or get better.
But remember,
We can only control ourselves.
And to share one of my favourite quotes,
"Don't light yourself on fire, to keep someone else warm."
Please feel free to share your own thoughts about this in the comments,
Did I miss an important aspect of being in a relationship with a narcissist?
Do you think I was too harsh?
I would love to hear your thoughts down below.
And I will see you next time, Bye.
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