- What else is going on?
- Oh my God, that's right, I have to tell y'all.
Max wants to move in together.
(screaming)
- That is so exciting.
Okay actually Randy said he's thinking about
popping the question.
(screaming)
- Guys, my boyfriend, Laerton said he's maybe considering
Facetiming with me in the next four to five months!
(screaming)
- (beep) Hayley's being catfished again.
- Every catfish ever.
- Hey Eric, check out this Tinder girl I've been sexting.
- Damn, she looks like a model.
- She's a part-time model and a part-time nurse.
- That's really impressive.
- And a part-time pilot. - What's up?
- And a part-time actress and a part-time farmhand.
- Oh my God, how does she have time for all these jobs?
- Check out this titty shot.
- That looks like the inside of someone's elbow.
- No, bro, this is a full cleave shot and I've seen cleave.
I've seen naked women.
I've seen women undress.
- I don't think that's Cleavage, my guy.
I think that's a truly someone going
like this with their elbow.
- Okay, well tell me, what does this look like to you?
- That looks like some guy pressing both of his
elbows together and there's nipples drawn on.
- No, man, this is a female butt.
- I don't even think that's supposed to be a female butt.
I think it's supposed to be female boobs.
- Eric, you're being an idiot.
This is a butt.
- Well if it's a butt, why are there nipples drawn on it?
- Because a butt wouldn't have real nipples on it, would it?
Huh? Idiot.
You even know what a butt looks like?
- Yeah, I've seen a butt, have you?
- No, I've never seen a butt.
Is that what you wanted?
To let everyone know that I've never seen a butt?
- Please, I'm sorry.
- Oh my God.
- I'm pissed, Rihanna didn't meet me at that Coffee Bean.
What?
No Laerton is the real deal.
He would never lie to me.
- Let me guess, his camera's broken?
- That's what they all say.
- No, his camera does work.
It's just, he doesn't show up on it.
- How do you not show up on camera?
- He's genetically half vampire and half Norwegian.
- Are you (beep) high, Hayley?
- I am high off of the love for my boyfriend
Laerton, Shannon.
- What type of name is Laerton, how do you spell that?
- Like this.
- I think Laerton is not real backwards.
- How could you say that?
Laerton is a family name.
It's from his vampire side of the family.
- Okay let's see this vampire mother (beep).
- Okay, yeah, there, there he is.
- That's a stock photo of a businessman eating a salad.
- It's watermarked.
- Laerton has a watermark on his skin.
It's part of his vampire heritage.
- Turns out she had like 30 Facebook accounts.
(laughing)
- Mommy, Daddy.
I have something to tell you.
I met a girl online.
I think she's the one.
- Oh, you kids and your online relationships.
- What is she like?
- Well, her name is Anastasia
and she doesn't have a last name.
And none of the comments on her videos are in English.
She's so worldly.
- I'm sorry, what?
- So last week, Anastasia DM'd me.
And she said, Hey, sexssy you want a video chat for free?
I make the first hour free.
My nude and chattin website, username: sexybaby45.
And then she attached a hyperlink to what I assume
are some really cool spots for our first date.
- Oh no.
- Then I said, you're so beautiful.
How long have you been single?
And so she responded, sexy please put in
credit card information for me.
BB please; what is back number security code on card?
Please BB so sexy.
So I think it's safe to say she likes me too.
- Whatever happened to that really nice girl
that you met in your lecture hall, what was her name?
Oh, Amanda. Right.
She was so sweet, why don't you go after her?
- Oh my God, Anastasia just sent me a good morning text.
- At dinner. - I know, she's so funny.
- What does it say?
- Well, daddy, it says good morning sexy boy.
Click www.russianpoon.com Backslash sign up here.
Whoa, something's up here.
- Clearly.
- Sexy boy.
Do you think she's seeing someone else?
- I'm sorry, can I see a photo of this woman?
- Of course.
Well, this is the only photo I have of her.
- Honey, you cannot be talking to that woman
- She's clearly not a real person.
That's obviously a bot.
- Because I'm seeing the same woman,
I'm talking to this woman.
I talked to her first.
- Another one?
- Big chicken.
- He tried to catfish me with pictures of me.
- Brandon?
Oh my god, you're alive!
Your mom texted me like three months ago
saying you died in a storm.
- Yeah I know, I totally did.
But thankfully, since I know your PayPal password
I was able to pay for my resuscitation costs.
Thanks babe.
- Oh, that's what that charge was.
Classic you, babe.
Hey, I'm actually on my lunch break right now
and I've never seen anything but your mouth,
you want to meet face to face?
- Oh, no, no, it's a stampede of horses!
Aaah!
(phone ringing)
Hi, this is Brandon's mom, Brom.
- Brom?
- Yes, it's like Broom without the extra O.
It's Norwegian.
Anyway I just wanted to let you know that Brandon died
in a big old horse accident just now
and so we can't meet up with you now or ever.
- That's terrible.
Do you want me to drop some flowers off at your home?
What's your address?
- Oh, uh-oh, no, it's a big old houseboat fire
coming right at me.
- Wait, didn't Brandon's dad die in a houseboat fire?
- Oh legit?
I mean, it's a big old knife.
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
- Hello, this is LAPD, I called from Brandon's phone
because we lost ours.
This is my badge.
- That actually looks like a coupon to Pizza Hut.
- We called because his mom died.
Big flying knife, happen to everyone.
So we need $400 from you in order to start resuscitation.
- God, resuscitation is so pricey these days.
- He sent me flowers, but the return address
was to a dumpster.
- Hi Jack?
- Hi, nice to meet you.
Well, you're more handsome in person
than you are in your profile picture.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, are you kidding me?
- What's wrong?
- You said you were six feet.
You're like five 11.
- I didn't think that would be a big deal.
- Okay, catfish liar.
Disgusting liar catfish.
Go take advantage of someone else, why don't you?
- I'm literally six foot or five 11
depending on what shoes I'm wearing.
- Busted.
- You brought Nev from MTV?
- I've been hiding under this table for 45 minutes.
- Maybe now you'll think twice before you catfish someone,
short bitch.
- Are you kidding me?
This is the picture you had on your profile.
Yeah, a black guy eating salad.
- That's offensive. - Thank you.
I actually just died in a big horse accident.
- Sorry.
- That was a mess, I'm so sorry.
(laughing)
- Hey everyone, I've never seen a butt before!
I've never seen a butt!
- I'm sorry Mike.
- (beep) you!
Now everyone knows in this Gold's gym
that I've never seen a butt!
I've got next game.
- Mike (speaking different language)
- I don't speak Japanese!
I don't understand what you're saying!
(speaking different language)
- Cut.
- I'm so happy for you guys.
You've been so cute lately.
- That's right.
(overlapping chatter)
- No, I've never seen a butt before!
(laughing)
- Sorry.
- After I pay the first five installments of $50 a month
then I'm allowed to see her, her above her belt.
- No, I already gave her those installments.
She still hasn't shown me.
- She still hasn't?
- That's offensive.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
(laughing)
- God, resuscitation is so pricey these days.
- I know, it's inflation, it's a bummer.
Also can you please order Postmates to Brandon's house?
I am also psychic detective, this is my badge.
And it turns out he really wants some Thai food.
Also do the priority thing for a buck 50
and also tip, it's a tough time.
Make certain you tip your food staff.
- We got good taste though.
- Do not pound her hand.
- Daddy.
- You're (beep) dead.
- That's right.
- Damn it!
- We cut that real good
- But let him get like a Thai iced tea.
And also like, I don't know
like fried rice for the morning to make
with like eggs, you know, it's pretty good.
He like that.
It's really good for him.
- Honestly. The fact you guys keep digging at this
is a little racist
and I don't think I want him to meet you guys.
- It's what?
I said it.
(laughing)