Now that Tim Burton’s remake is all but forgotten,
watch the Planet of the Apes movies reclaim their place as the best talking animal franchise
since Babe.
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.
Wait, why does Dawn come after Rise?
Don’t you rise after the dawn?
Whatever.
Settle in for the thinking man’s summer blockbuster chock full of
complicated characters,
political maneuvering,
family dynamics,
and a monkey dual-wielding machine guns on horseback fighting a tank.
OK that was kinda dumb, but who cares?
It’s still awesome, right?
Thrill as apes engage in guerrilla warfare
against a society of way less interesting humans, like
the pragmatic leader who spends most of his screen time talking into a bullhorn,
"We are survivors!"
"We've been through hell together!"
this generic good guy,
this assh*le,
“I’m the assh*le."
this... woman...
and this... kid who... draws things.
Yeah, let's get back to the apes.
See Andy Serkis deliver an Oscar-worthy performance
by capturing the graceful movements and emotions of Caesar
and doing his best Christian Bale Batman impression
"One day!"
"Where's the trigger?!"
"Move him!"
while the cast and crew deliver an even MORE Oscar-worthy performance by not laughing at
a tiny British man in a unitard pretending to be a monkey.
Wow, when you take away the CGI, this looks f*cking ridiculous.
So immerse yourself in a movie full of stunning visuals and great acting, that will have audiences
everywhere ignoring its forgettable plot about fixing a dam
"The city used to run off nuclear power, but that ran out years ago so we've been using
diesel generators and gasifiers. But if we could just get this dam working…"
Blah blah blah blah.
And the super cliche death of the main villain,
because once again: apes with guns on horseback equals AWESOME.
Starring...
MVP: Most Valuable Primate
Little Caesar’s
Abu
Mojo JoJo
Not Hairy Oldman
Discount Charlton Heston
Ape-ril O’neil
and Damn Dirty Apes!
Actually, they’re pretty clean, and civilized.
And Damn Civilized Apes!
Rise of the Dawn of the Start of the Planet of the Apes
Origins
The Beginning
So, uh, how can I put this...
where are all the monkey dicks?