G'day A.J. Mahari here so you've got no contact from that
person vpd or hopefully some modicum of that but
more to the point no contact's really needed that means
blocking them on everything etc why because they treated you terribly
because people with untreated bp especially but even people with
significant treatment still may not be able to have any kind
of healthy age appropriate relationship
so why is it that people with bp always think that they're the one they treated
you terribly they often don't understand the impact
they've had on you it's not an excuse for it though
but so why do people with bpd so often after you do go no contact
after you work through everything you have to work through just to get to that
point of leaving a relationship if in fact you
weren't ghosted or dealing with some of that to go no
contact no matter how the relationship ruptures and that's what they do they
rupture these relationships people bp there's no explanation there's
no closure it becomes this patchwork piecemeal
guessing game that is so painful for people so
and and blocks people's recovery because they're so
focused on the borderline so i'm here to try to help you understand this stuff
uh on different you know areas and from persp different perspectives so that
maybe you can at least hear this message today no matter where you are with this
no matter how much it hurts in a field for you if you're in a really painful
place as someone who is still in a
relationship with someone bp or you're an ex now or you're on and off
but you're trying to work your way out of that relationship or you've just
been ghosted you need to work with somebody and i'm
out here if you resonate with me to stop the focus on
research research i mean it's good but not over focused on that
because i've had people say clients say to me people in the live stream say but
if i can't figure out if they're bpd amputee comorbid or if this is just vp
i'm not going to be able to heal until i know
don't do that to yourself cognitive dissonance and all the other things
going on is more than most people can handle for
a time and and maybe even for a long time
so here's the thing how is it that the person with bpd after
they ghost you or they cut you off or the relationship ruptures
and or if you leave whatever how come they still feel like
they're you know poor them poor them how come they still feel
for me like look what you did to me instead of like maybe realizing why
don't they realize what they've done to you well this is at
the core of what happens and the fact in you know
to people who have bp and 75 it goes to the core
uh the way that people with bpd sorry um were what happened in the early
childhood and it goes to the core of the reality
that the you know bpd is is a response
to adverse child experience is a result to massively insecure nowhere near
secure attachment it's a it's a result of interrupted
attachment more often than not they can form
an unhealthy bond it's not healthy at all
with mother in in the early stages of life
or there can be the absence of attachment the absence
of a bond this creates not only fear of abandonment but fear of engulfment
so why do they feel like they're the ones
that are so like oh my god you did all this to me
when they did all that to you and they might have ghosted you on top of it but
if you leave them and or however it the relationship
ruptures as they all inevitably do uh
then how do they get to this point where when you go no contact it's all
your fault you know and and if only you've done this and if only you've done
that or if you didn't say this or you didn't do that then they'd feel
differently and it would be all be okay somehow so why did they maintain
this rather childhood childish childlike it's an emotionally immature
because of a rest and emotional development there is no self
they're seeking identity through others yes they're experiencing a loss
when a relationship ruptures or when you and specifically when you get to no
contact both but the thing is they don't
understand you know they they don't have the
they're dissociated from the pain of what happened to them
in early childhood emotional arrested development they'd lack in a sense of
self and i know i'm repeating that a lot but it's so key to understanding all
this there just really isn't any consistent
sense of self or self contained within people of ppd
from which to keep track of all this stuff so
it doesn't excuse the way they treat you but again
they're always going to feel like the one who got hurt they're always gonna
feel like it's your fault and what's key and what
i just said feel like because because they're awash
with feelings all the time most of which the emotional
dysregulation and or to dissociation and all these
episodes they have etc they're not caused by people closest to
them a loved one an ex like partner at the time or an
ex-partner are you going no contact or being a favorite person or
any all the stuff this is inside of them already and when
they're triggered to emotional dysregulation
it can be it can be all kinds of different things for various people bpd
but the common commonality is it's pain
it's overwhelming emotion they don't know what it is
it's from the past it's got to do with something why people
bpd really need to get into treatment to understand what's going on for them
in these dysregulated emote emotion you know disregarded emotional states
but because they don't understand because they're inundated with fear
and more and pain and they can't cope with any of it
or even if they've been to dbt and even if they've had some treatment maybe they
don't cope very effectively they might cope a little bit better but they still
have to symptom manage all this and what is what is all the symptom
management about or lack thereof well the symptoms are all pointing to
something that's already happened to them in early childhood
emotional rights of development and the loss of self
it is horrifically painful every time they re-experience that
but they don't understand that's what's happening
so so much is being driven subconsciously because it might be able
to come up to consciousness or might be unconscious depends on the level
where it's at inside of people with bpd each person
with bpd but even when they gain some intellectual awareness
then they might say some things that make a little more sense at times but
doesn't mean they're going to behave better doesn't mean they can change
what's driving their behavior and and what's driving
their behavior also drives fear of abandonment fear of
engulfment the approach avoidance conflict
consistently which within it and due to that when they're in fear of
engulfment it's push away when the fear of
abandonment is pull you closer so it's push pull it's idealization to a
point in the beginning of course but when it's when it's fear of
abandonment it's going to be some modicum or
something like re-idealization but it's not really going to be idealization
exactly but they're going to be coming toward
you you know in a different frame of mind
and trying to be you know friendly and or apologize and they might even mean it
but they don't know what's driving this so
behavior isn't going to change they haven't changed it takes years in
therapy so if you're being hovered you know be
really careful about that because just going to go around the same circle
and as i've said in other videos the cycles just speed up
of splitting so in the idealization phase we're like a better way to put it
which really kind of doesn't keep coming back to where it was in the
beginning at all then that's when they have beer of
abandonment so they're trying to come back to you and they're trying to pull
you back close to them the fear of engulfment
is when they go to the devaluation split so this isn't anything that you do to
them but their perception misperception more to the point
is that you are the one you are the one to blame because
they're seeking identity through you they don't know who they are
and so you become that object other parent representation
in idealization or sort of like just a base mood state
could be a a good parent or a good parent never had but in the devaluation
and the emotional dysregulation it's going to be
that you're being seen only perceived only by them
unbeknownst to people with bpd as the object other bad
parent and this is what's explained in object gradations and i think it's one
of the clearest ways to put it actually so people bp you're always
going to feel like you did to them what they did to you and
and again underscore feel like and then the
magical thinking of bpd kicks in and so what they feel
is what they believe is really real and there's nothing anybody can do to
change it except for like in years of therapy
and in the process of what it actually takes to be able to change this
and to find the lost self to do all the things that have to be
done for them to build a self from the emotional arrested
development that happens out of around by the age of two more or less so
the thing is they're always going to feel like it was your fault they're
always going to think that you did it it's always about poor
me for them how could you treat me so badly
and they don't in the split reality of it all
in devaluation they do not in even an idealization people
bpd do not understand how they've impacted you and more to the point even
though they have a capacity for empathy they're too involved in their own
maladaptive defenses about what they keep re-experiencing in
emotional dysregulation dissociation and sometimes triggered age
regression not always and not always back to the age of two
but so if you're still wondering why is it that you're getting all the
flack and then if you get a hoover and if you do entertain a hoover
and or you're still in contact they're going to say some incredibly
hurtful things to you like on top of everything else
and you might continue to be shocked by that but here's the thing this is why
no contact is so important because you can continue to be shocked by them
i guess but you're holding up your life you're holding up your recovery
and you got one foot in the door and or you got toes inside the door and a foot
and a half outside the door and just
sit with yourself for a minute and think how much pain you're in so
so follow the pain your pain take care of yourself
get to know contact and then people feel well they feel bad and you're holding
the other person's feelings and well you know
that's what got you into the mess in the first place right that's what you still
have to look at that's what you still need to know more about yourself about
so just know people at bpd are always going to
feel poor me you did this to me
i didn't do it to you what are you talking about this is all
your fault which is so untrue such a cognitive distortion
but even more so it is embedded within them as all they know through the false
self a multi-layered yes they are called infantile narcissistic defense
mechanisms though it's not npd and they will forever
until unless they get a tremendous amount of treatment
feel like they were the one that was treated
so horribly because maybe that's what happened to them in childhood
that's how they got to having this adverse childhood response known as bpd
so just know it's not your fault and they're not your responsibility and in
any relationship type that's really still the truth so people have to try to
move forward and start focusing on yourself and your own healing recovery
journey like i said if you resonate with me i'm
not here to help you with that family of origin work
self-differentiation in your child healing and there are other aspects of
this for some people in the work too but the bottom line is they are not your
responsibility they are not your child in most
relationship types and if they're an adult child now and
you're a parent and it's the 25 well
you got to let go and it's really really hard
and um some other shoes go no contact some don't
it's very different but in all other relationship types you need to go no
contact because doing anything short of that
keeps you engaged with what they might hoover you
with they don't know hoover many will hoover many won't hoover
sometimes you think you're past the point in which they'll hoover and
maybe you start to then focus on yourself
more but you haven't closed the door on all the various communication types that
you need to block them and then lo and behold they show up a
week later two weeks later two months later seven months later a year later a
year and a half later three years later i have had clients who've been through
this with different partners like a series of
partners with bpd because they didn't stop dating and
jumping into the next relationship to heal and to get into a process of
therapy and help for what's really happening so i'm not
saying it's anyone's fault that they get into the relationship with
the person bp or even a narcissist for that matter
but there is something in your subconscious you you know or your
unconscious mind that you need to know and past
experience that you need to know much more about but just know this one thing
for sure yes the borderline the person with bpd will
always feel like the one that was treated so
horribly like they'll always feel poor me and
that's coming from their past narrative of something that in many
cases actually happened to them or was perceived to have happened to
them and it caused the rested emotional development
but what you need to know today is you have nothing to do with that it's not
your responsibility you may still really care you may still
really love somebody but when they've treated you horribly
and they don't even get that they can't even see that they're busy with poor me
and and and they think that you've done everything to them
because then you finally get to no contact
please don't let that stop you it's gonna hurt it's not gonna feel
comfortable there's never going to come a day when you're ready to go no contact
but after you go no contact if you don't make that phone no contact
in the case of many with bp not all you're going to hear
how they want you know to seek revenge or
what they're going to do to you etc or they might
beg or they might plead or they might just
constantly you know really have a way of of
inducing in you guilt or like you're responsible for like
whatever's befalling them now don't believe it don't buy it stop
holding your feelings start getting in touch with your own
which is painful for many people involving codependency right but guess
what that's your way forward you have autonomy over what choices you make for
yourself you can't risk you fix or help that
person with bpd so when you go no contact you know
people say well how come when i go no contact
then people be they really act like i was the one that really hurt them
and instead of the other way around well you can only know that they're acting
thinking or saying that if you don't block all avenues of contact that's why
that's so important hope this was helpful
take care