>> Stephen: I'M NOT A ROCKET.
I'M NOT GOING TO BLAST OFF.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S BEEN A ROUGH FEW YEARS THESE LAST TWO WEEKS, BUT TODAY
WE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS.
BECAUSE THIS MORNING, THE "SUPREME COURT RULED AGAINST
TRUMP'S ATTEMPT TO END DACA, A WIN FOR UNDOCUMENTED 'DREAMERS'
BROUGHT TO THE U.S. AS CHILDREN."
OF COURSE, TRUMP DOESN'T CARE ABOUT IMMIGRANTS BROUGHT TO THE
U.S. AS CHILDREN.
HE BARELY CARES ABOUT IMMIGRANTS HE BROUGHT TO THE U.S. AS WIVES.
THIS IS A BIG RELIEF TO THE 800,000 IMMIGRANTS ENROLLED IN
DACA.
800,000!
THAT'S MORE THAN THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF VERMONT.
WHICH IS WHY BEN AND JERRY'S HAS INTRODUCED THEIR NEW FLAVOR
COOKIES AND DREAMERS IM-MINT-GRANT DACA-LATE CHIP,
BROUGHT HERE BY NO CHOICE OF THEIR
CONE.
THAT WASN'T EASY TO SAY.
>> I LIKE IT, THOUGH.
>> Stephen: IT WAS A 5-4 DECISION.
LIBERAL PINKO CHIEF OF THE PATCHOULI CIRCLE JUSTICE JOHN
ROBERTS WROTE THE MAJORITY OPINION, AND HE RETURNED THE
PRESIDENT'S HOMEWORK WITH A NOTE THAT SAID, SHOW YOUR WORK.
"WE DO NOT DECIDE WHETHER DACA OR ITS RESCISSION ARE SOUND
POLICIES, THE WISDOM' OF THOSE DECISIONS 'IS NONE OF OUR
CONCERN.' WE ADDRESS ONLY WHETHER THE
AGENCY COMPLIED WITH THE PROCEDURAL REQUIREMENT THAT IT
PROVIDE A REASONED EXPLANATION FOR ITS ACTION."
(AS TRUMP) "WHAT, NOW I'VE GOT TO HAVE A
REASON FOR THE THINGS I DO?
OTHER THAN HUNGRY OR HORNY OR BOTH, WHICH I CALL HORNGRY?
TRUMP WAS NOT PLEASED WITH THIS DECISION OR THE ONE MONDAY THAT
SAID EMPLOYERS CANNOT FIRE PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE
L.G.B.T.Q.
HE TWEETED, "THESE HORRIBLE AND POLITICALLY CHARGED DECISIONS
COMING OUT OF THE SUPREME COURT ARE SHOTGUN BLASTS INTO THE FACE
OF PEOPLE THAT ARE PROUD TO CALL THEMSELVES REPUBLICANS OR
CONSERVATIVES.
WE NEED MORE JUSTICES OR WE WILL LOSE OUR SECOND AMENDMENT AND
EVERYTHING ELSE.
VOTE TRUMP 2020!" SO, ESSENTIALLY YOUR ARGUMENT IS
"THIS IS AS BAD AS GETTING SHOT IN THE FACE" AND "AREN'T GUNS
GREAT?
WE SHOULD KEEP THEM."
HE WENT ON TO TWEET, "DO YOU GET THE IMPRESSION THAT THE SUPREME
COURT DOESN'T LIKE ME?" YES, I DO.
THEY WEAR BLACK ROBES.
SOME OF YOUR FANS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO WEAR THE WHITE ONES.
♪ ♪
♪ >> KU KLUX KA-SLAM!
WHERE DOES HE FIND THE COURAGE?!
>> STEPHEN: ONE PERSON WHO REALLY DOESN'T LIKE TRUMP IS
FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER AND EVIL LORAX, JOHN BOLTON.
BOLTON HAS WRITTEN A SCATHING TELL-ALL ABOUT HIS TIME IN THE
TRUMP ADMINISTRATION CALLED "THE ROOM WHERE IT HAPPENED,"
WHICH TRUMP IS DESPERATE TO SUPPRESS.
SO, NATURALLY, THE BOOK IS CURRENTLY NUMBER ONE ON AMAZON.
BY THE WAY, NUMBER TWO IS THE TELL-ALL BY TRUMP'S NIECE, AND
NUMBER THREE IS "HOW TO BE AN ANTI-RACIST."
SO, THEY'RE REALLY ALL ABOUT TRUMP.
OF COURSE, BOLTON'S BOOK IS ONLY AVAILABLE AS PRE-ORDER, DUE TO
TRUMP'S SWIFT ACTION, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO GET YOUR HANDS ON
ONE OF THESE.
YESTERDAY, EXCERPTS OF THE BOOK WERE LEAKED.
BOLTON WRITES THAT TRUMP CODDLED DICTATORS, THOUGHT FINLAND WAS
PART OF RUSSIA, AND GAVE THE THUMBS-UP TO CHINESE
CONCENTRATION CAMPS.
TRUMP IMMEDIATELY WENT ON FOX NEWS AND WENT AFTER BOLTON.
>> HE WAS A WASHED UP GUY, I GAVE HIM A CHANCE, HE COULDN'T
GET SENATE CONFIRMED SO I GAVE HIM A NON-SENATE CONFIRMED
POSITION SO I COULD JUST PUT HIM THERE AND SEE HOW HE WORKED.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "'CAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO
NATIONAL SECURITY, I JUST LIKE TO GIVE ANY OLD LOSER THE JOB.
THROW 'EM A BONE."
THE BOOK CLAIMS THAT DURING TRUMP'S 2018 MEETING WITH KIM
JONGUN, POMPEO SLIPPED BOLTON A NOTE DISPARAGING THE PRESIDENT,
SAYING, "HE IS SO FULL OF (BLEEP)."
I TRUST POMPEO'S INTEL ON THAT.
HIS LIPS HAVE SPENT A LOT OF TIME IN THE VICINITY OF TRUMP'S
ASS.
TRUMP WASN'T BUYING IT, TELLING THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, "I
WOULD DOUBT THAT.
DOES HE HAVE THE NOTE?
LET ME SEE THE NOTE."
WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, BECAUSE YOU ASKED:
SO CRAZY THAT I HAVE ONE OF THESE.
JOHN ROBERTS SENT IT TO ME.
ANOTHER EXPLOSIVE DETAIL IS THAT TRUMP ASKED CHINESE PRESIDENT XI
JINPING TO INTERFERE IN OUR UPCOMING ELECTION.
TRUMP WAS ASKED IF THAT WAS TRUE, AND HERE'S WHAT HE SAID:
>> WELL, FIRST OF ALL, NOBODY HAS BEEN TOUGHER ON RUSSIA OR
CHINA THAN I HAVE.
NOBODY EVEN CLOSE.
CHINA'S PAYING US BILLIONS OF DOLLARS A YEAR.
THEY NEVER GAVE US 10 CENTS.
SO NOBODY HAS BEEN TOUGH ON CHINA AND NOBODY HAS BEEN TOUGH
WITH RUSSIA LIKE I HAVE.
AND THAT'S, THAT'S IN THE RECORD BOOKS.
>> Stephen:...
TRUE?
ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION.
"DID YOU MURDER YOUR ROOMMATE WITH AN AX?"
"FIRST OF ALL, NO ONE ENJOYS WOODWORKING MORE THAN I DO.
I BUILT A TABLE AND A HUTCH AND THAT'S IN THE RECORD BOOKS.
BY THE WAY, DON'T LOOK INSIDE THE HUTCH."
OF COURSE, WHILE TRUMP HAD HIS MOUTH OPEN ANYWAY, A LOT OF
OTHER STUPID STUFF DRIBBLED OUT.
THE JOURNAL ASKED TRUMP ABOUT ORIGINALLY SCHEDULING HIS TULSA
RALLY FOR JUNETEENTH, THE HOLIDAY COMMEMORATING THE DAY
THE LAST ENSLAVED PEOPLE LEARNED ABOUT THE END OF SLAVERY IN THE
UNITED STATES, AND FAR FROM BEING ASHAMED, TRUMP WAS PROUD
OF IT.
>> I MADE JUNETEENTH VERY FAMOUS.
IT'S ACTUALLY AN IMPORTANT EVENT, AN IMPORTANT TIME.
BUT NOBODY HAD EVER HEARD OF IT.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "IN FACT, I ANNOUNCED THE RALLY
THAT UPSET EVERYONE ON THE TENTH, SO I'M STARTING A NEW
HOLIDAY FOR WHITE PEOPLE CALLED JUNETENTH, CELEBRATING THE DAY
THEY ALL LEARNED ABOUT JUNETEENTH."
THEN, TO DRIVE HOME THE AWKWARDNESS, TRUMP TRIED TO
PROVE HE HAD POPULARIZED JUNETEENTH BY ASKING AN AIDE IF
SHE HAD EVER HEARD OF IT.
SHE POINTED OUT THAT THE WHITE HOUSE HAD ISSUED A STATEMENT
LAST YEAR COMMEMORATING THE DAY.
HE REPLIED, "OH, REALLY?
WE PUT OUT A STATEMENT?
THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE PUT OUT A STATEMENT?
OKAY, OKAY.
GOOD."
(AS TRUMP) "REALLY?
WE PUT OUT A STATEMENT CELEBRATING THE END OF SLAVERY?
'CAUSE THAT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE ME.
YOU KNOW HOW MY TIES ARE MADE, RIGHT?"
WHEN IT CAME TO CORONAVIRUS, TRUMP DIDN'T THINK IT WAS A BIG
DEAL, AND ADDED THAT SOME AMERICANS WORE FACIAL COVERINGS
NOT AS A PREVENTATIVE MEASURE, BUT AS A WAY TO SIGNAL
DISAPPROVAL OF HIM.
(AS TRUMP) "AND IT'S NOT JUST MASKS EITHER.
WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE PROTESTERS WEARING VENTILATORS TO SHOW
THEY'RE ANTI-TRUMP?
AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THOSE SOCIALISTS IN THEIR
GOVERNMENT-ISSUED, ANTIFA BODY BAGS."
DESPITE HOW MUCH PRESSURE TRUMP'S PUTTING ON HIM, BOLTON
IS NOT BACKING DOWN.
HE SAT DOWN FOR AN INTERVIEW WITH MARTHA RADDATZ THAT WILL
AIR ON SUNDAY, AND HE DIDN'T PULL ANY PUNCHES.
>> HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE TRUMP'S RELATIONSHIP WITH
VLADIMIR PUTIN?
>> I THINK PUTIN CAN PLAY HIM LIKE A FIDDLE.
>> Stephen: I DON'T THINK THAT'S FAIR.
TRUMP IS LIKE A CELLOO, BIG, WIDE AND HARD TO GET OUT OF A
RAMP.
WHILE THE NATIONWIDE PEACEFUL PROTESTS FOR RACIAL JUSTICE HAVE
DRIFTED OUT OF THE NIGHTLY NEWS COVERAGE, THEY'RE STILL
GOING STRONG IN MAJOR CITIES ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
BECAUSE THERE ARE STILL PLENTY OF REASONS TO PROTEST.
LIKE THE CASE OF 27 YEAR-OLD RAYSHARD BROOKS, WHO WAS FATALLY
SHOT TWICE IN THE BACK BY AN ATLANTA POLICEMAN LAST WEEK.
IT'S A SADLY FAMILIAR STORY, BUT THIS ONE MIGHT HAVE A DIFFERENT
ENDING, BECAUSE THE OFFICER IN QUESTION, GARRETT ROLFE, NOW
FACES 11 CRIMINAL CHARGES, INCLUDING FELONY MURDER.
THEY'RE GETTING RID OF THE BAD APPLE, WHICH YOU'D THINK ALL THE
GOOD APPLES WOULD BE EXCITED ABOUT TO MAINTAIN, YOU KNOW,
BARREL FRESHNESS.
BUT HOURS LATER, SOME OF THE ATLANTA POLICE CALLED IN SICK TO
PROTEST THE MURDER CHARGE.
THIS IS A DISAPPOINTING RESPONSE TO AN OFFICER BEING SUBJECT TO
THE SAME LAWS THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO ENFORCE.
BUT THE POLICE UNION CLARIFIED IT WASN'T AN OFFICIAL STRIKE,
SAYING, "THIS IS NOT AN ORGANIZED THING, IT'S NOT A BLUE
FLU.
WHAT IT ACTUALLY IS, IS OFFICERS PROTESTING THAT THEY'VE HAD
ENOUGH AND THEY DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT ANY LONGER."
YES, THESE OFFICERS ARE SIMPLY FED-UP WITH SCRUTINY OVER THE
SHOOTING OF UNARMED BLACK MEN.
YOU CAN LEARN MORE ABOUT IT IN THE UPCOMING FILM, "THREE WEEKS
HELD ACCOUNTABLE."
YESTERAY, THERE WAS A STEP FORWARD FOR RACIAL JUSTICE ON
THE BREAKFAST TABLE, BECAUSE FINALLY, QUAKER ANNOUNCED THAT
THEY ARE RETIRING THE AUNT JEMIMA BRAND AND LOGO.
YES, WE'VE ACHIEVED SWEEPING FLAPJACK REFORM!
ABOUT TIME.
THIS KIND OF RACIST ICONOGRAPHY CANNOT BE TOLERATED FOR MORE
THAN 130 YEARS.
1890.
IT WAS ORIGINALLY MARKETED AS A CURE FOR CHOLERA.
IT WAS MOSTLY COCAINE.
NOW, ALL OF THE RACIST ICONS OF YOUR PANTRY ARE FALLING, BECAUSE
UNCLE BEN'S RICE ANNOUNCED THEY WILL ALSO SCRAP THEIR BRAND
IMAGE.
HOPEFULLY, THIS MEANS THEY'LL ALSO CHANGE THEIR SLOGAN FROM
"PERFECT EVERY TIME!" TO "PERFECT EVERY TIME, EXCEPT NOT
IN 2020, AND, IN RETROSPECT, PRETTY MUCH NEVER.
IT WON'T BE THE FIRST TIME THE BRAND HAS ADDRESSED THEIR
PROBLEMATIC LOGO.
IN 2007, UNCLE BEN WAS PROMOTED FROM A SERVANT TO CHAIRMAN OF
THE BOARD.
TRULY, A PROUD DAY FOR IMAGINARY BLACK PEOPLE EVERYWHERE.
BUT THE LONG OVERDUE BREAKFAST RECKONING IS NOT OVER YET.
THE PACKAGING ON BOXES OF CREAM OF WHEAT MAY SOON CHANGE.
GREAT.
WHILE THEY'RE AT IT, JUST GET RID OF THE WHOLE PRODUCT.
THE ONLY PEOPLE BUYING CREAM OF WHEAT ARE THOSE WHOSE FAVORITE
FLAVOR IS "WET."
ANOTHER LOGO UNDER INVESTIGATION IS MRS. BUTTERWORTH, WHOSE
COMPANY IS NOW DOING A COMPLETE BRAND AND PACKAGING REVIEW,
THOUGH THE RACE OF MRS. BUTTERWORTH HAS NOT BEEN
CONFIRMED.
THE MANUFACTURER SAYS THAT MRS. BUTTERWORTH IS SUPPOSED TO BE
ANYONE'S GRANDMA. AS LONG AS YOUR GRANDMA SAYS, "HELLO
CHILDREN.
I WANT YOU TO GRAB MY BODY, SQUEEZE IT HARD, AND WATCH
SWEET, VISCOUS FLUID GUSH OUT OF MY SKULL.
HEY, HOW ABOUT A THREE WAY WITH THE HONEY BEAR?
MR. BUTTERWORTH'S ON A WORK TRIP.
LET'S GET STICKY."
SHE'S A SEXUAL BEING.
THERE'S NO REASON WHY SHE CAN'T HAVE HER OWN DESIRES.
CORONAVIRUS CASES ARE SPIKING ALL THROUGHOUT THE SUNBELT, AND
WE JUST LEARNED ABOUT A TERRIFYING NEW THREAT OF
TRANSMISSION, BECAUSE "FLUSHING THE TOILET MAY FLING CORONAVIRUS
AEROSOLS ALL OVER."
OH, MY GOD!
OUR TOILETS HAVE TURNED ON US.
I'M NOT SURPRISED, AFTER ALL WE'VE DONE TO THEM.
IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THEY ROSE UP TO EXACT
THEIR REVENGE.
THE RESEARCH WAS "PUBLISHED TUESDAY IN THE JOURNAL 'PHYSICS
OF FLUIDS.'" THAT'S ONLY HALF THE ARTICLE.
PART TWO IS BEING PUBLISHED IN THE PHYSICS OF SOLIDS.
THE SCIENTISTS WARN THERE'S "ONE MORE BEHAVIOR TO BE
HYPER-AWARE OF IN ORDER TO PREVENT CORONAVIRUS
TRANSMISSION: WHAT YOU DO AFTER YOU USE THE TOILET."
YOU'RE SAYING I SHOULDN'T HIGH FIVE THE DOG WHO'S BEEN WATCHING
ME THE WHOLE TIME?
HE'S MY BEST FRIEND!
I'M NOT GONNA LEAVE HIM HANGING!
OH, I'M BEING TOLD IT'S NOT THE HIGH-FIVING.
APPARENTLY, "TURBULENCE FROM A TOILET BOWL CAN CREATE A LARGE
PLUME THAT IS POTENTIALLY INFECTIOUS TO A BATHROOM'S NEXT
VISITOR."
PLUME?
WOW.
THAT MEANS EVERY TIME YOU'VE FLUSHED A PUBLIC TOILET THERE'S
BEEN A "PLUME."
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A BAD PLACE WHEN YOU'RE NOSTALGIC FOR THE
DAYS WHEN ALL YOU WERE INHALING IN THE BATHROOM WAS THE PREVIOUS
GUY'S FARTICLES.
I KNOW.
EXPERTS SAY THERE IS A SAFETY PRECAUTION YOU CAN TAKE.
"CLOSE THE LID FIRST AND THEN TRIGGER THE FLUSHING PROCESS."
THEN YOU CAN USE THE LID TO MAKE THE TOILET TALK ABOUT YOUR GREAT
PUBLIC HEALTH AWARENESS.
"GREAT JOB, STEVE!
YOU'RE REALLY DOING YOUR DUTY.
BUT, UH, WHY IS THE DOG ALWAYS IN HERE?"
THANKS PARTY MOUTH.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I'LL BE TALKING TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE N.A.A.C.P. LEGAL DEFENSE
FUND, SHERRILYN IFILL.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, A LOOK AT SOME NEW FATHERS DAY CARDS WITH
A SPECIAL GUEST.