As-salaam alaikum, everyone!
My name is Bassem Youssef.
In my native Egypt, I was a surgeon—
until the Arab Spring, when I realized my country itself
had fallen ill. So I created a comedy show to help the nation heal.
The people liked it, but the government, not such much.
And before things got worse, I left for the land of the free.
Now I can learn from the best.
After all, this is the United States of America—
the greatest democracy on Earth. Right?
Lots of people in the Middle East belong to armed factions.
Why?
Because every schmuck with a gun and a pickup truck
rounds up a few followers, calls them a militia,
and starts his own country.
But of course, here in the U.S., there would never be the need for militias.
And yet, the U.S. currently has 276 militias.
In the Middle East, I can only name about 6.
Why?
If At First You Don't Secede.
I wanted to learn if your militias are like the bands of screaming fanatics
that make me think of home.
So, I went looking for a local warlord and found Major Matt Krol.
I'm a residential and commercial
renovator by trade.
But I'm also active in the Genesee County Volunteer Militia, which is
part of the Michigan Militia.
He doesn't look so bad! Your warlords are so cuddly.
We are not terrorists.
No, of course not.
Oh, of course not. Those are the militants that are
at war with the American government.
I believe that we have a domestic enemy.
Who is domestic enemy?
Our federal government.
Yes.
I see us coming into a civil war.
A civil war?
Because there's more and more of a push
to disarm the American populace.
And the harder that they push, the more that people are
waking up to that fact.
They take away your guns, and before, they took away slaves,
and this is how you start a revolution, right? A civil war.
Exactly right.
Take, for instance, the guys out the in Oregon.
Armed anti-government protestors
occupying federal land at a
national wildlife refuge.
The group vowing to occupy
the outpost for years.
I am 100% willing
to lay my life down.
Those guys were doing everything– everything that they did was
according to the Constitution, OK?
So, according to the Constitution–
According to the Constitution
The militias can go into any Federal Building and take it over
and that is totally Constitutional.
Absolutely.
It's their God-given right?
Absolutely.
With their arms and knifes and Samurai swords and–
Whatever it be.
I have never realized the extent of the tyranny
of the United States Government.
Because they're not looking out for the good of the people.
I had no idea that America is living under tyranny.
I don't want to go through that again.
I'm done with tyrannies.
So, inspired my Major Krol, I did some digging.
And it turns out, he is right.
Not only do American citizens have the right to secede,
The Government provides you with an instruction manual.
According to an obscure treaty from 1933,
all you need is a population of at least 1,
a defined territory,
a government of your choosing,
and a way to communicate with other countries.
Besides Snapchat.
This is the Republic of Mollosia.
You may not have heard of it,
because Molossia isn't where you'd
expect to find an independent nation.
It's just an hour drive from Reno.
But it's a real made-up country,
with it's own Constitution,
a king and queen,
a national dish,
and a 33 year old war
with East Germany,
a place which incidentally hasn't existed since 1990.
I could just become a citizen of Molossia.
But, they're in the middle of Nevada.
And as far as desert dictatorships go,
been there, ran from that.
I'd better branch out on my own
and start my own country.
With all the tyranny you have here in America,
it should be easy to find others to join.
So, do you think that sometimes the government fails you?
Yes, sure.
Would you like to connect with likeminded people to take
matters into their own hands and change things?
Yeah. In a nice way.
In a nice way?
Would you like to join?
Well, it depends.
The 2nd Amendment should not be touched.
Do you carry a gun?
Yeah.
Do you ever feel disappointed by your government?
Alright, he's in.
If I was forming a nation, would you join me?
What is your nation founded upon?
It doesn't matter.
(laughs)
Let me make it easier.
I'm building my own f**king country right now.
Would you join my country?
No.
I'm doing my own country–would you like to join?
I'm not sure for that.
ARABIC: Look it's going to be great.
ARABIC: I have lots of snacks, a huge flatscreen,
ARABIC: beer, and tons of porn.
Would you like to join?
Yeah!
And just like that, I had my people.
I could feel us getting swept up in my plans for a new society.
That's the thing about like a new country that's–
Well, that was a bust.
If I really wanted to start a country, I probably would have had
better luck recruiting people back in the Middle East,
Where the governments are actively trying to kill their own citizens.
Here's what I propose:
Just send all 276 American militias to the Middle East
where their paranoia could be completely justified.