What is the worst movie you've ever seen?
No, I'm not talking about "Transformers 2" or "Grown Ups 2".
I mean, a movie so bad. so fundamentally broken,
that it leaves a pit in your stomach,
or makes you feel frustrated and angry beyond any reasonable measure.
This is a question I've been asking myself for a while, and I think it's about time to do something about it.
So I've pulled up the list of the bottom 100 lowest rated movies on IMDb
and I'm going through them, one by one, to find the worst movie ever.
Welcome to "The Search for the Worst".
[IHE Theme]
"Troll 2" was the worst thing in the history of anything ever.
It had a lot to live up to,
being revered as one of the best worst movies ever.
But did I live up to it?
Well, I...I don't really know.
Once the hour and half film was over, I sat and had a think.
Have I ever, in my history of watching movies, ever seen something so...
weird.
The movie's so bizarre, so strange and nonsensical,
I...I-I don't think I have.
I'm gonna do my best to describe what happens in this movie, but it...I...
Let's just get on with it.
Immediately, the movie opens with this fellow walking around in the woods
and he sees some trolls walking around.
[Narrator] "They are the vengeful and evil goblins."
[Narrator] "Little people of the night."
Wait. Wh...
What did? Goblins?
But the movies called, "Troll".
Surely, they're supposed to be trolls, right?
[Grandpa] "Goblins don't need to justify their cruel acts."
[Grandpa] "They are evil creatures."
So it wasn't a mistake. They did mean goblins.
O...Okay
[Grandpa] "Let me go on, please."
So basically, this grandpa is telling his grandson a story about goblins.
And when he returns to the story, we get a late title card that reminds us that the movie is not called, 'Goblins', but "Troll".
What?
[upbeat 80s pop music]
What is up with this music?
Is this supposed to be scary or a comedy?
The dude being chased by the goblins falls over, and then wakes up with this lady, standing there, with some food or something.
[Grandpa] "And offered him something to eat and drink."
[Grandpa] "The strange concoction she offered him was delicious."
Yeah, that green sludge really looks...delicious.
Okay, I know this must seem goddamn nonsensical and random,
and that's because it is.
This movie just sort of exists in its own little world.
Not in like, a normal movie world.
But it's written in such a way where it sort of sets all these things up to explain,
but then they never explain them.
In fact, they just keep adding more and more weird shit and not explained as the movie goes along.
So back in the storybook, it turns out that the lady was actually a goblin, who used the green sludge to turn him into a goblin food.
[Mum] "What are you doing still up, Josh?"
[Josh] "Grandpa Seth was telling me a sto-"
Oh shit.
Wait...what?
[Mum] "Grandpa Seth has been gone for more than six months now."
Right, so let me get this straight,
the movie starts with a man running in the woods,
who it turns out only exists in a storybook being read by a grandpa to his grandson.
But then the grandpa turns out to be dead.
So he was a ghost reading a story to his grandson,
warning him about goblins that feed you green shit to turn you into plants, so they can eat you.
What?
Take about event overload.
And this is only the first five minutes of the movie.
[Mum] "Grandpa Seth has remained in all our hearts,
[Mum] "but you must banish him from your mind."
Really?
Did you just tell your son to banish his dead grandpa from his mind?
I guess it is pretty likely that this kid is off his rocker, but why do you have to phrase it like that?
"Banish".
There is something about this mum character that makes me want to...break things.
She is one of those faces that instantly screams...
Cunt.
It's something about her line delivery.
The way she aimlessly stares into nothingness.
She's actually kind of creepy.
And that's not any sort of positive towards this movie. It's not intentional, believe me.
So what she leaves the mental patient's room, she sits down and asks her husband:
[Mum] "Michael?"
[Michael/Dad] "Yeah."
[Mum] "Who are the goblins?"
He just sort of laughs it off and the scene moves on.
Everyone in this movie just...talks.
The words and sentences that come out of their mouth holes have no meaning.
[Sister] "This smells."
No one reacts to anything.
It's like it's a world where it's the norm to say out loud what you're thinking at the time.
Which would lead to a society where no one listens to anything that anyone says.
That's the only comparison I can think of to describe this movie.
We're introduced to the crazy kid's sister and her weird closet homosexual boyfriend.
[Sister] "If my father discovers you here, he'd cut off your little nuts and eat them."
[Sister] "He can't stand you."
He'd cut off what?
[Sister] "He'd cut off your little nuts and eat them."
What?
So the forced, complete bizarre dynamic between these two characters
is that she is fed up of him going everywhere with his friends, and ignoring her completely.
Usually I'd hate anything like this in a movie,
but it's so weird because he REALLY IS obsessed with his friends.
They follow him everywhere,
and at one point, they even sleep together in this tiny bed.
So the entire family go on a vacation to the small town of Nilbog.
Nilbog.
Yeah.
And in the journey over, the kid has a bad dream about being turned into a plant.
[Josh] "No! Don't eat me!"
[Mum] "Joshua!"
[Sister, weirdly stilted] "Who wants to eat you, little brother."
Why did you...why did you say it like that?
It's so weird!
[Sister, weirdly stilted] "Who wants to eat you, little brother."
They arrived at the house they're vacationing in.
They're doing one of those house swap things, so the people they're swapping the house with are still there.
And as they're leaving, the dad character starts explaining what utensils his house has.
No one listens to him.
No one reacts to it. It just sort of happens.
I swear to Christ, this movie is SO fucking weird.
[Michael/Dad] "But our house has all the major conveniences."
[Michael/Dad] "Yeah, it's got a microwave and video...
[Michael/Dad ] "All the other appliances..."
[Josh] "Yeah!"
[Michael/Dad] "Refrigerator..."
[Michael/Dad] "Bar..."
[Michael/Dad, barely audible] "They're people with few words..."
They get inside and there's a table of food already set for them.
It looks disgusting, as well.
It's all got green shit on it, presumably because everyone in this town is a goblin in disguise.
But right before they start to eat, the ghost of grandpa knocks on the window
and tells the kid that everyone will die if they eat the food.
And then something happens that...
I...
I-I don't know.
He...the grandpa...
He stops time.
He stops time for the kid...
so he can stop the family from eating the green food.
I, um...
Yeah, that happens.
[Grandpa snap]
And he doesn't just stop him from eating by taking it away from them, no...
He pisses all over it.
He pulls out his johnson and pisses all over the table.
I don't...I don't know, okay?
I-I don't know.
Because movie.
[Michael/Dad] "And you can't piss on hospitality. I WON'T ALLOW IT!"
[Josh] "What are you going to do to me, Daddy?"
[Michael/Dad] "Tightening my belt by one loop so I don't feel hunger pains. And your sister and mother will have to do likewise."
Dude, really?
I never thought about tightening your belt to avoid hunger pains.
Huh.
Meanwhile, the sister's boyfriend and his boyfriends drive a camper van to the same town and set up shop.
One of them goes outside for a cigarette,
sees a woman running around,
and decides to run after her.
Because movie, I guess.
She explains how she was chased by goblins.
Then they show up and throw a spear into the dude.
[Boyfriend 1 goes "AHHH!"]
They run away until they find a creepy old house and go inside.
Turns out which lives in there.
Yep.
I don't know why. They never really explain it.
Just accept it.
This witch character,
taken separately from every other part of this movie,
is probably the thing I hate [most] in the universe.
Her melodramatic over-acting...
There's something about it that's so repulsive to me.
It's just fucking annoying and SHIT.
[Witch, over-acting] "I am Creedence..."
[Witch, over-acting] "Leonore Gielgud,"
[Witch, over-acting] "of ancient druid origins."
Wait...what did you say?
'Druid origins'?
Is this...
has this come full-circle?
Imagining that this movie is set in the "Druids" universe suddenly does make this film a whole lot more coherent.
This movie could do with the return of Forehead.
I miss Forehead.
Bring back Forehead.
So the goblins eat the lady that the dude found.
[Boyfriend 1] "They're eating her."
[Boyfriend 1] "And then they're going to eat me."
[Boyfriend 1] "Oh my GOOOOOOOOO
[Boyfriend 1] OOOOOOOOOOO
[Boyfriend 1] OOOOOOOOD!"
Well look at that.
That fly on his head must be the same fly that was on Forehead in "Druids".
It really has come full circle.
I do enjoy how ridiculous the goblins look.
I did find it pretty funny how nearly all of them look identical.
Apart from one.
The one that looks like it's been strangled 'til its eyes nearly popped out and then left in the sun for too long.
[Grandpa Ghost] "Now...you have to convince them to leave here."
[Grandpa Ghost] "This is an evil place."
[Grandpa Ghost] "It is the kingdom of the goblins."
You know what? *laugh*
You know what?
I-I have no smartass comment for this.
Just...
Let's just move on. Fuck it.
The dudes in the van realized they have no supplies.
[Boyfriend 2] "Damn."
[Boyfriend 2] "There's no milk."
So one of them goes running to the local shop.
Who gets stopped by the police and offered a lift.
The officer asks him if he's hungry.
He says yes.
So he hands them a green burger wrapped in cling film.
I don't understand why no one cares that all their food is green.
And you know what? I don't care either.
Why should I care? This is fucking "Troll 2".
The kid and his dad also go to get some food from the store, but it's closed.
The dad pulls a vegetable cookbook out of his ass and starts reading it.
And the kid fucks off because he notices that 'Nilbog' is 'Goblin' backwards.
He then winds up in this really fucking bizarre goblin meetup,
where they talk about goblin things or whatever.
We then go back to the house as if nothing happened.
[Mum, wooden acting] "Look! What a surprise they have prepared for us!"
Really? What is with her? It's creeping me out.
[Grandpa Ghost] "We must move quickly to put out the fire."
[Josh] "What fire?"
[Grandpa Ghost] "Guess."
What?
The Boss Goblin tries to stop the kid from...
burning everyone alive, I guess.
But Grandpa...
shoots lightning and sets him on fire.
And look at that. You can clearly see the fireproof gloves the stuntman is wearing.
Look at me!
This is what's bothering me, the gloves.
A ghost just shot lightning out of his ass and this is what's got me worked up.
The gloves.
Then in this fucking weird completely pointless scene,
the witch goes to the van where one of the other kids is.
She's carrying a corn cob as well.
Remember that, kids.
Because it's very important.
Because for no reason at all, popcorn appears out of nowhere, and that's the scene.
That's the fucking scene.
[Grandpa Ghost] "Together, we can destroy the magic stone...that gives the goblins their power."
Just...
Whatever you say, movie.
C-can we just get this shit over with?
So the family gets in a little fight with the goblins.
[Mum] "MICHAEL!"
[goblins snarling and growling]
[goblin...pig squealing]
Why were th...
Why was he running up the stairs like that?
This fucking movie. I swear to Christ.
Okay, so we're gonna skip a little bit here because it really doesn't matter at this point.
So he defeats the goblins by eating a bologna sandwich.
Don't ask me how or why.
Don't ask me to explain it.
Just accept it.
But that's not quite the end,
because this is a horror movie after all.
I-I think, at least.
Once the family get back to their own house, the mum character says she's going to have a shower.
The goblins carefully write an elaborate message on a baseball and roll it downstairs to scare the kid.
He goes to check on her in the shower and she's been eating.
[Goblin] "Do you want some..."
[Goblin] "Joshua?"
[goblin inhale]
[Josh] "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"
Now that is why I call a memorable ending, am I right?
[AIR HORNS]
Fuck this movie.
I fucking hate this movie.
I hate everything about it.
I wanted to like it.
I wanted to like it in that bad movie way, but I just can't.
When I laugh at it...
I don't laugh at it because it's funny. Oh no.
I laugh only because it's what humans do when they're in an uncomfortable or confusing situation.
That's what "Troll 2" is.
An hour and a half uncomfortable and confusing situation.
I don't think I've ever said,
'what?'
so many times while watching a movie.
Nothing makes any fucking sense.
And I don't care to make any sense of it.
I'm still trying to figure out if this was intentionally supposed to be funny,
because on IMDb it is listed as a comedy,
and there are these really horribly unfunny scenes like this:
[Boyfriend] "Please let's talk."
[Boyfriend] "We're all humans here."
I mean, is that supposed to be funny?
Is this movie supposed to be taken seriously? I don't get it.
What is the goal [of] this movie?
Maybe I got lost because I've not experienced the nuanced story of "Troll 1".
But somehow I doubt it.
But out of everything this movie does, out of everything it does, the worst thing is how the poster lies to you.
Just look at it.
The creatures in this film looked nothing like that.
And who's this pajama kid?
He's not even in the movie.
And what is he holding? What?
It's like making a movie about elves and calling it 'Dwarves'?
Clearly, obviously, I care way too much about this.
W-why should I care when the people who made this movie couldn't even be fuck to give it a title that makes any sense?
Why?
So why should I give a fuck?
Yeah, you really are a troll, "Troll 2".
You dick.
[Michael/Dad] "Just like people did it a century ago."
[Michael/Dad] "Hey, what's the matter?"
[Deep Canny American Voice] And up next in "The Search for the Worst" is...
Hey, what happened to the old guy voice?
[Deep Canny American Voice] He died.
Oh.
Well, I've actually seen this movie before.
But I've all but removed it from my brain because it was so terrible. Here we go again, I guess.
"Troll 2", everybody!
Just the worst.
The worst thing. I hate it. It's so shit.
Oh yeah, and 'Happy Halloween', I guess or 'Not Happy Halloween', whatever. You might not like it.
I mean, I don't really like it very much. I made of a vid-
I...I have made a video about Halloween before, so you can go and watch that.
This is the Halloween...thing this year, so...
Yeah.
So what did you think? Does "Troll 2" look actually kind of good to you or does it look...
really as bad and terrible and awful and just confu-
It's not even that it's bad.
Because it's actually...i-i-it's alright. I-it's made...well.
We've got some nice effects in there sometimes. You got...
Okay, the acting is fucking atrocious, but...
There are little things in there, here and there. The practical effects they were alright sometimes.
There were certain things that were okay.
But...
Nothing's coherent. Nothing makes any sense.
I challenge you, go and watch the movie.
A-and try and tell me, what the fuck happened.
What...what even is this?
Is this supposed to be funny? Is it not supposed to be funny? I don't know.
So anyway...
Did you enjoy the video? Did you not enjoy the video? Tell me in the comments below. And as always...
Thanks for watching.
All comments and ratings are appreciated.
I'll see you next time.
BYE.