-Here's how we have kept our marriage healthy and thriving for over 30 years.
-Having a strong marriage isn't luck or magic. I'm Vicki Jenkins. -And I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins. We're going
to share with you today nine principles that are guaranteed to enhance and even save your
marriage. Before we jump into those nine principles, I want to give you a list of them. So, go to the URL
on your screen right now drpauljenkins.com/9principles all one word.
We'll put this in your inbox, print it out, hang it up somewhere, because you'll want to refer back to
these and you can even follow along as we're going through these nine principles today. The first
principle on our list is positivity. Now, this is a big surprise for some people. I am the positivity
psychologist, it's what I'm known for. I've written books on positivity. So, when I say positivity I
don't mean the trite fluffy just think positive, close your eyes pretend everything's just peachy.
That's not what we're talking about. Positivity is intentionally steering your brain
in two different categories, evaluation or judgment and creation, which is all about where we're going
from here. So, without getting into the details about positivity, this is an important starting
place because it really determines where our mind is as we move forward with all the
other principles. -The second principle is values. You want to have a really great understanding
of why you've created this relationship and what are the values that are propelling you
forward, propelling you together, and propelling you forward? -I think it's an understanding of the why
that helps us get through some of the hard hows. -Yeah. -And you've probably noticed this there's
bumps along the way. You know when we've attended weddings and things before there's a
common phrase you've heard it I'm sure, "For better or for worse", and it seems like some people just
mean for better. -Right. -When you understand the values that are driving this relationship in the
first place. I mean, think about it, why did you get together in the first place? Think about it.
-You know, I think another reason that knowing the values is so great is there have been times where
what you're going to find in your marriage that you're going to come at things in a different way
and sometimes you think that you are on opposing teams and if you go back to the actual values like
your goal is for us to be happy and successful and my goal is for us to be happy and successful.
Our values match and the way we go about it might be a little different. But if you
can remember the values that you're built upon it makes it a little easier to deal with some
of the differences of the way you approach things. Which will be different because you're two
different people. -Do you remember years ago VickI we created together a couple mission statement
and it really is a written summary of what those values are. What is it that's most important to us
and that helps keep that perspective in place. Here's principle number three,
humility especially if you're the husband. I don't know if it's more especially for the husband.
Humility the way I like to define it is giving up your need to be right in exchange for being open.
Do you remember Brett Williams? -I do. -he wrote a book called, You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married
and I love that title. But Brett also talks about how the biggest conflict that comes up in a
relationship is he calls it the right fight. -Right. -It's about who's right instead of what's right.
-Yeah and I think it's really important. I like the way that you said be willing to
be open. Give up the need to be right to be open and I think that brings in some curiosity
and that's a really healthy way. Sometimes that's a nice way to get out of judgment, you know. So,
being humble is being curious. -Vicki, I've noticed something you and I are different very true
and that's a good thing because if we're exactly alike one of us would be
unnecessary. -Right. -This humility puts us in a position where we can see the brilliance
and the contributions that are available from our spouse even if and sometimes, especially when
their viewpoint is different from our own. -The next principle is forgiveness. -It's an important one to
follow the humility, isn't it? -Yea, because it takes being humble to get into forgiveness and why is
it so important? When we pair it with the humility I think humility is about our own willingness to
change right and I think forgiveness is more about our willingness to allow other people to change.
Many of the couples that I've worked with over the years in a coaching setting pull up history
as a weapon and they're remembering something from 20 years ago where they
were offended or something happened that was not to their liking and now they're using it today
as a weapon. What if we had the forgiveness in our heart that allows someone else to change?
-And I think sometimes it's a little easier to go down that route if you kind of go back to some of
those other stages like recognizing that we have the same values. We went about it different
and I can forgive you because we still have the same intent. So, if humility is giving up our
need to be right in exchange for being open, one of my favorite definitions of forgiveness
is giving up our demand for a better past and that opens us up to a better present.
We've got five more principles for you. Before we get to those, would you just take a moment to click
that subscribe button right down there and hit the notification bell too. That way you'll know
when we've got another video ready for you. Here's principle number five, respect. -You know
our three family rules were all built upon respect. Because it's so important to show respect to
other people and property and to yourself. -You know, I've interviewed a lot of little kids.
It's so fun to interview, don't you think? Because you're in education you interview little kids
and they say some fun things. But I've asked a lot of kids, what does it mean to respect?
And the most common answer that I get, be nice. How simple is that? -That's a really easy way
to think of respect, just be nice. -You know, one of my colleagues in this industry is Mark Gungor.
He's got a funny video here on YouTube just go look up A Tale Of Two Brains by Mark Gungor
and he boiled it down to two words in his book about how to have a happier marriage, be nice.
-The next one I really like and it's kind of funny because a lot of people think that you don't even
become a couple until you are in love and yet we're on number six of the principles and we're
just bringing it up and that is love. I think the most important thing to recognize though
is it's a principle and I think it's a principle of action. Whereas the love is the way that you
are thinking about responding to, hoping for, rooting for, your partner. -It's also a choice.
-It is a choice a hundred percent. -You know I remember one couple I was working with where
she left the room for a moment to go freshen up or something and he said to me after she left
the room, "Dr. Paul, I just don't love her anymore", and my response was, "Well then, love her", duh...
Because I think it's a choice it's not necessarily a feeling. It affects our feelings
but when you realize there's no neutral option. Think about this for a minute, if neutral is
right here and we've got love on this side and we've got hate on that side, every interaction
you have with your spouse is going to fall on one side or the other either a little
or a lot. -So, choose love. -So, choose love. We could get into all the details around that.
Just consider that it's a choice more than a feeling and that will help to guide the principle.
Right on the tales of love at number seven on our principles list is compassion. Which is kind of
like love I guess. -It is I think it's even deeper. It's a little bit more being willing to feel with.
-Right, there's that empathy component to it. In fact, if you get to the roots of the word compassion.
The word passion itself is derived from a word meaning willing to suffer.
Compassion is willing to suffer for or with and we do some suffering in a marriage, right? I'm probably
not the easiest person on the planet to live with and so Vicki is signing up for you know being
willing to suffer to be with me. But it's a choice that allows us to go to a higher level of moral
development really, that compassion. So, it has to do with love kindness and the willingness to suffer.
The next principle is work. You know, a lot of people roll their eyes at work. I tried to explain
to my children early in life the sooner you can make friends with work and learn to like work
the happier your life will be. I don't know anyone that doesn't have to work. At some point, some level,
throughout the day every day and so if you are willing to work and enjoy that principle of work
I think your marriage goes a lot better. Sometimes it's fun to work side by side. If you're willing to
put in the work for the common goals, the common intent, it just brings everything together.
-I'm going back to some of my geeky science roots too. Because I started college as a chemical
engineering major. I was really good at the math and science and work when we go back to physics
is the forces that transform matter from one state to another, okay. There's actually some definitions
about it that way and when you consider that everything that doesn't exist yet has to be
created or transformed from something else the process by which that happens is work. -Right.
-And I know I geeked out on that a little bit. But let's not be surprised when what we want
that is better than what we already have is going to require some work. Yeah,
that's how it works and we promised you nine. So, number nine is wholesome
recreational activities. We got to be having fun. -You've got to have fun. -You know we talk
about that as a parent that one of the ways to establish some authority with your child is to be
the provider of good things and good times. I think we need to do that within our relationship as well.
I've seen a lot of people that they get a little stale and they stop having fun together.
So, you just need to find ways to have good wholesome recreational activities together. I think
all three words are important activity obviously. But then recreational we got to be having fun
and wholesome. We've been to Vegas. I mean, there's a lot of recreational activities out
there not particularly wholesome and those are not going to support your relationship
as much as something that is carefully selected. Wholesome recreational activities let's have some
fun together. There's enough hard that we need to cover that with a little bit of fun. It's not magic.
It's not luck. Vicki and I've shared with you how we have kept our marriage strong and healthy over
30 years now. You can do the same. Get those nine principles drpauljenkins.com/9principles.
We'll put this right in your inbox. We'll see you on the next video.