Being a super popular YouTuber and also an amzaing person sure is tiring.
I should probably get some rest, but if I do that, my SocialBlade might suffer.
What’s more important, my SocialBlade or my happiness?
Well if my happiness goes downhill, nobody is going to notice because I always sound
like this.
But my socialblade?
That’s public info.
Time to record some videos.
But you, I should still probably take at least a small nap first.
It can’t hurt.
Okay Google, wake me up at 2 PM.
Okay.
Setting alarm for 2 PM.
Okay honestly the Samsung alarm gives me a literal panic attack.
And I don’t even have a Samsung.
I had to manually download and set that alarm on my phone myself, because I love panic attacks
first thing in the morning.
The earlier I can get them out of the way, the better.
Anyway, time to carry on as if it has only been two hours, because I have of course only
been asleep for 2 hours, right?
Oh no.
According to my calendar, it has been almost 2 months since I last uploaded a video.
Silly Google, I meant wake me up at 2 PM on the same day, not 2 PM two months in the future.
Did the laugh track make it less unfunny?
Literally not at all.
Darn.
Anyway, while I was gone, a lot of questionable things happened on the internet.
And I’m going to talk about them all.
Yet again, I deserve a literal Oscar for my performance in the skit in the beginning,
but yet again I won’t be receiving one.
Here I was thinking discrimination is illegal, but apparently that doesn’t stop the Academy
of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.
Pathetic.
Anyway, time to get to the important part: I’m embarrased for you.
Yes you, the one with the pretty face.
Yeah.
The one wasting their time on YouTube.
I’m embarrased that you let the entire internet fall apart in the less than two months I was
gone.
Like, the internet internet?
Two months?
It took you that long?
If I was still uploading videos I could have done that in like, a week tops.
YouTube is like a toxic relationship.
You know how when you’re in a relationship with a toxic person you’re just kind of
like:
This is fine.
I like this.
And also I’m not suffering.
But then you finally get out of the toxic relationship and you can see clear enough
to realize like wait . . . “I’m toxic too.
We need to get back together”.
That’s pretty much the exact process I went through with my YouTube channel so . . . I’m
back.
I wish I had some sort of dramatic story that happened to me when I was gone that way I
could make everyone feel sorry for me when I came back.
Should I cry on camera or make up a medical condition?
I have to make decisions like those every day as a YouTuber.
My job is literally so hard, and I deserve more money--
I dropped my $1,000 phone.
But, it doesn’t seem to be broken, so looks like we won’t have to call the police today.
Yet.
While I was gone, things here on the internet have been . . . interesting to say the least.
And a literal dumpster fire to say the most.
People have been licking ice cream, selling bathwater—wait.
Selling bathwater?
“You guys are getting paid?”
Pathetic.
Oh but she’s making thirty dollars a bottle.
Okay I’m selling my dandruff on DePop.
“Who is paying $30 for gamer girl Belle Delphine’s bath water”.
Ohhhhh.
Gamers.
Makes sense.
Who else would rather purchase bathwater than take an actual bath.
Alright.
Why are people licking ice cream.
*camera guy* “Alright now lick it, lick it.
Oh, you foul, put it back”.
Alright but she’s not going to put it back.
Oh.
Interesting.
“What?
What is going on?
Y’all are going to JAIL!!!
PERIODTT!!!11!11!”
Wait, but who cares if she went to jail, she got 13 million views.
Oh, here we go, another one.
Looks like the uh, little league baseball coach decided to do the ice cream challenge
as well.
I’m literally shaking and crying, Miles Morales would never do this.
Don’t do it Miles!
Ah, he did it.
Stan Lee would be so disappointed.
And it looks like he got arrested after, but more importantly he got 21 million views.
Going to jail . . . 21 million views.
Criminal records can be expunged, but SocialBlade is forever.
It’s time to lick some ice cream.
Now I have a whole pint of ice cream.
I can’t eat this whole thing by myself!
Unless it’s after midnight, then I could eat like four.
I know most people talking about this are just joking around, but all jokes aside.
Please do not actually try to go to Area 51.
If you’re one of my subscribers, and you get shot down by the government . . . you
can’t watch my videos anymore, and I don’t know if I would be able to handle that.
Then again, you also wouldn’t be able to unsubscribe.
You know on second thought, how about all of you go to Area 51.
When I finally get cancelled, I’m not going to lose a single subscriber.
Like, try again.
All my subscribers were abducted by aliens.
Or shot down by the United States Air Force while Naruto-running.
Doesn’t affect my sub count either way.
What else happened while I was gone . . . Oh yes, James Charles played Minecraft with Pewdiepie.
That is the collaboration of the century.
Move over Lil Nas X and BILLy Ray Cyrus.
Move over Justin Bieber and BILLie Eilish.
Move over Jaclyn Hill and BILLing . . . out refunds.
Wait, she didn’t do that, did she?
James Charles Dickinson and Felix Arvid Ulf Kjellberg playing Minecraft is more monumental
to me than ending world hunger.
And almost as monumental to me as whether or not my nail is chipped.
Darn it.
I knew I was going to have to call the police today.
Oh yeah, Vidcon happened.
I could have gone to that, but it’s kind of a moral issue.
Like, the problem with Vidcon, or the problem with YouTubers in general if I can just throw
this out here is . . . These people, their job is to spend all their effort trying to
convince thousands and thousands and sometimes millions of people that they are good human
beings that deserved to be followed.
But in reality, they’re just a persona.
So like, more often than not, I find that YouTubers turn out to be not . . . great people.
And if anything terrifies me more than how fake everyone on YouTube is, it’s the fact
that if I go and meet up with these people, they would were those very same masks right
in front of me.
So I am not going to Vidcon.
That plus, more importantly, I’m not relevant enough for people to come up and take pictures
of me at Vidcon, so.
I’m just going to wait until I have like more subscribers and try again next year.
Jake Paul and Tana Mongeau are getting married.
Me too sis, you’re not special.
Now, let’s talk about me for a second, because if I go too long without doing that, I kind
of . . . get anxiety.
One of the things YOU missed while I was gone is that I’m Twitter famous now.
One of my tweets got 18,000 likes.
Let me try to explain what that was like for me.
This tweet has over 18,000 likes.
I’m an influencer.
I’m literally moving to Los Angeles.
Sure is nice here in sunny Los Angeles.
Wait, is that Jake Paul?
Is that Ricegum?
Tana Mongeau?
Oh no, I don’t want to live around those people.
So yeah, that was the story of how I gave up my rich and beautiful life as a Los Angeles
influencer out of the goodness of my heart.
I know some of you may be thinking “18,000 likes on a tweet isn’t . . . that . . .. much”,
and I just—I feel like it’s one of those things that you would understand better if
you had 18,000 likes on a tweet.
People are apparently using FaceApp to make themselves look old, and it’s a trend.
Again.
Because um, wasn’t FaceApp a trend a couple of years ago when it was changing people’s
races and lightening their skin tones under the pretense of making them look “hotter”?
Or were we not supposed to remember that.
I lose track, I just lose track.
Alright, so we need to go to “age”.
And . . . It’s kind of taking a while.
OH!
Okay.
But you know, I guess the good news is as long as I keep doing YouTube as a job, I won’t
have to worry about looking like this for at least another ten months.
Now I want to see how I look if I use the “Hot” filter.
I hope it doesn’t give me the old Michael Jackson treatment.
And—oh!
Would you look at that.
They didn’t change anything at all.
So what have we covered today.
Licking ice cream.
Selling bathwater.
Invading Area 51 . . . for some reason.
And as much as everything that happened makes me want to take another 2 months nap, I just—I
missed so many opportunities for ad revenue.
Anyway, looks like I’ve gotten ten minutes of content out of this, so leave a like, tell
me what you think, and subscribe if you haven’t already.
Thank you for watching, and a big thank you to my 130,000 subscribers.
Okay bye.