>> THE OWNER OF A PET-SITTING OPERATION HAD HIS VAN STOLEN
WITH 16 DOGS STILL INSIDE, STARRING KEVIN JAMES.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> KELLOGG'S ANNOUNCED THAT IT
PULLED ITS ADVERTISING FROM THE BREITBART WEBSITE SAYING, "THE
ALT-RIGHT WEBSITE DOES NOT ALIGN WITH THEIR VALUES AS A COMPANY."
I DON'T KNOW, KELLOGG'S MAKES KASHI GO LEAN CRUNCH, AND THAT'S
MAYBE THE WHITEST PRODUCT IN HISTORY.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> A NEW APP HAS LAUNCHED THAT
LETS PEOPLE BOYCOTT BUSINESSES OWNED BY DONALD TRUMP.
THE APP'S CALLED, "BEING POOR." [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT HAS APPROVED A PLAN THAT WOULD BAN
SMOKING IN PUBLIC HOUSING ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
WHICH IS A HORRIBLE IDEA. YOU KNOW HOW STRESSFUL IT IS TO
LIVE IN THE PROJECTS? I CAN TELL YOU, IT'S LIKE PRISON
EXCEPT YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG, AND YOU CAN SMOKE IN
PRISON. HOW DO YOU EVEN PLAN ON
ENFORCING THIS LAW? YOU THINK A GHETTO TIPSTER'S
GOING TO CALL YOU LIKE, "THIS IS FREDDY AND I'D LIKE TO REPORT
CIGARETTE SMOKE IN CRACKHOUSE ON FLOOR B"?
THEY'RE SAYING THIS BECAUSE CIGARETTES ARE A HEALTH RISK BUT
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS A HEALTH RISK?
LIVING IN THE PROJECTS. [ LAUGHTER ]
HEATING YOUR APARTMENT WITH YOUR OVEN IS A HEALTH RISK.
LETTING A PITBULL BABYSIT YOUR TODDLER IS A HEALTH RISK.
HAVING A HOSPITAL BED IN YOUR LIVING ROOM IS A HEALTH RISK.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST HEALTH RISK OF ALL IS?
GETTING EVICTED. YEAH.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
THEY'RE GOING TO RENOVATE THOSE BUILDINGS AND SELL THEM TO
MILLIONAIRES AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO DO IN THOSE
BUILDINGS, THOSE MILLIONAIRES? COKE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO SAY
"SMOKE." >> POLICE IN CANADA WILL SOON
START MAKING PEOPLE CAUGHT DRINKING AND DRIVING LISTEN TO
NICKELBACK. SO LET THIS BE A LESSON TO ALL
YOU DRUNK DRIVERS OUT THERE, MAKE SURE THE CRASH KILLS YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> MAKE SURE?
>> MAKE SURE. >> NEW RESEARCH SHOWS THAT THE
PREHUMAN LUCY PROBABLY LIVED IN TREES.
SO EITHER PREHUMANS WERE MORE APE-LIKE THAN PREVIOUSLY
THOUGHT, OR THAT BITCH CRAY. [ LAUGHTER ]
WELL. [ LAUGHTER ]
THE ONE BEFORE IT. >> YOU FOUGHT FOR IT.
>> CHE WROTE THAT. >> WELL, '90s NOSTALGIA IS STILL
GROWING AS A TV TREND WITH REBOOTS LIKE "FULLER HOUSE" AND
"GILMORE GIRLS." HERE TO COMMENT IS RACHEL FROM
"FRIENDS"! ♪♪♪
>> HI, OH YEAH, HI! OH COLIN, YEAH, HI!
OH! >> HI, RACHEL, HOW ARE YOU?
>> OH, YOU KNOW, I'M -- YOU KNOW, I'M, I'M -- I'M GOOD!
>> WOW. NOW WHY DO YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE
SO NOSTALGIC FOR THE '90s? >> OH, YEAH, THE '90s ARE GREAT.
YOU KNOW, YOU GO TO WORK, YOU GO ON DATES, AND YOU GO TO CAFES
WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND YOU ALL SIT FACING THE CAMERA, YEAH.
YEAH! OH, HEY, YOU KNOW JOEY HAD A
REALLY, REALLY BAD AUDITION. AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO TALK
ABOUT IT TONIGHT AT THE BOY APARTMENT.
YEAH, YOU SHOULD -- YOU SHOULD COME.
♪♪♪ >> OH, NO.
OH -- I BURNED THESE COOKIES, MOM IS GOING TO KILL ME!
OH! OH, OH, YEAH, OH.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
WHAT WAS THAT? >> WHAT?
OH, YEAH, YEAH, I DON'T KNOW. I THINK THAT JUST HAPPENS WHEN I
SAY A SENTENCE THAT -- THAT SOUNDS COMPLETE.
LIKE I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT, DON'T BE LATE.
♪♪♪ OH, COLIN!
OH, YOU SCARED ME. I WAS JUST IN THE SHOWER.
OH! >> WHAT?
>> WHAT? WHAT?
OH, YEAH, WELL, WHAT, OH, YEAH, WELL, YEAH, WELL, WHAT?
OH, YOU KNOW, WELL, WHAT? OH, YEAH.
WELL, WHAT? OH.
YEAH. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> VANESSA.
VANESSA. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> WHAT? OH WHAT, YEAH?
HI -- >> CAN YOU JUST DROP THAT FOR A
SECOND? >> YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> VANESSA, COME ON.
>> SORRY, JEN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> WHAT? FOR THE LAST 12 DAYS YOU'VE BEEN
TEXTING ME EVERY DAY TO COME VISIT YOU.
LISTEN, HONEY, I KNOW THAT YOU LOVE "FRIENDS."
AND WE HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME MAKING OUR MOVIE TOGETHER.
BUT YOU'VE GOT TO REALLY TRY TO STOP TEXTING ME EVERY DAY.
>> YEAH, NO, I JUST TEXTED YOU BECAUSE I THOUGHT WE COULD HANG,
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW, I THINK YOU'RE LIKE THE BEST.
>> THAT'S SO SWEET, HONEY, YOU ARE TOO.
BUT -- YOU KNOW, "FRIENDS" BASS LIKE FIVE MILLION AND FIVE YEARS
AGO. SO I THINK WE'VE JUST GOT TO
MOVE ON. >> WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST -- I THOUGHT BECAUSE I -- I DO THIS GREAT BIT AS RACHEL.
SO. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> IS IT A GREAT BIT, THOUGH? I MEAN, ALL IT -- KIND OF JUST
SOUNDS LIKE ALL YOU'RE DOING IS LIKE, WHAT, OH, WHAT, ME, OH
WOW, NO, I, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT? IS IT LIKE THIS, WHAT?
>> NO, YES, WHAT? >> VANESSA --
>> I, WHAT, NO -- >> I DON'T DO THAT.
WHAT, NO -- >> OH, WHAT?
ROSS, ROSS, ROSS! [ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, ALL RIGHT, FINE. YOU WANT TO GO GRAB SOME NACHOS
AFTER THE SHOW? >> OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU LOVE MEXICAN. THAT'S MY FAVORITE TOO.
I'D LOVE TO. I'LL SEE YOU THERE!
♪♪♪ >> WAIT.
HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? IT'S SO JARRING.
>> WHAT? >> I DO NOT SOUND LIKE THAT.
>> YES, NO, WHAT? >> JENNIFER ANISTON AND RACHEL,
EVERYONE! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
"WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M COLIN JOST.
>> I'M MICHAEL CHE! ♪♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]