MOST OF THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES FOR THE
PRESIDENCY BELIEVE THAT.
BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP SHOULD BE TAKEN AWAY.
LET'S BRIEFLY IMAGINE A WORLD IN WHICH WE HAVE NOT HAD
BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP.
WHICH GREAT AMERICANS WOULD WE LOSE IN THE HYPOTHETICAL WORLD?
HERE ARE FIVE SUGGESTIONS.
THE FIRST, MARTIAL ARTIST BRUCE LEE.
I KNOW IT'S EASY TO IMAGINE THAT TAKING AWAY BRUCE WILL JUST GET
RID OF A BUNCH OF KIDS IN A NEIGHBORHOOD YOU NEVER GO
INTO.
THESE DAYS THE CHINESE ARE ALMOST THE MAJORITY.
IT'S A HUGE NUMBER.
IT'S EASY TO SAY THE HISPANIC ISSUE, BUT IT'S NOT.
ACTRESS DIANE GUERRERO, ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK.
THAT IS ONE OF THE GREATEST PHOTOGRAPHS EVER TAKEN.
SHE WOULD NOT BE A CITIZEN EITHER.
SORRY, REPUBLICANS.
SHE'S PRETTY.
NEXT, ATTORNEY GENERAL ALBERTO GONZALES.
I LOVE THIS ONE BECAUSE HE SAYS THAT HE CAN'T REMEMBER
WHERE HIS PARENTS CAME FROM.
I HAD A HORRIBLE MEMORY, AND SO DOES MY FATHER, THAT'S
WHY I KNEW I WOULD BE A GOOD ATTORNEY GENERAL.
SO HE SAYS THEY MIGHT HAVE COME HERE ILLEGALLY OR NOT.
NONE OF US CAN REMEMBER.
IT WILL NOW
BE IRRELEVANT BECAUSE ALBERTO GONZALES'S GRANDPARENTS
CAME HERE ILLEGALLY.
TO THINK GUYS LIKE ALBERTO
GONZALES FEEL THAT ñ
FEEL ANYTHING AT THIS POINT?
IS IT NO MORE THAN THAT, OR DOES HE WINCE A LITTLE?
I KNOW HE WAS BUSH'S ATTORNEY GENERAL AND I KNOW HE IS A BAD GUY.
WE HAVE COVERED ALL THE TERRIBLE THINGS THAT HE HAS DONE.
BUT I THINK HE THINKS, OH, SENDING THEM ALL BACK TO
MEXICO, REALLY?
ONCE YOU TOUCH PEOPLE'S IDENTITY, THAT'S WHAT HURTS.
THAT'S WHEN YOU HIT BONE.
WHAT IF HIS IDENTITY IS HATEFUL?
I THINK THAT'S CERTAINLY PART OF IT, BUT I THINK AT SOME
POINT HE REALIZES OH, SHIT, THEY MEANT ME.
LIKE ALL THESE UNCLE TOMS, THEY BOW THEIR HEADS AND
SAY YES, AND THEN THEY SAY, YOU SCHMUCK, WE MEANT YOU.
AND THEN THEY GO, SHIT.
BUT WE'RE NOT DONE YET.
HERE COMES THE BEST PART.
THERE IS ANOTHER POLITICIAN.
OH, I'VE SEEN HIM ON TV RECENTLY.
HE WOULDN'T BE A CITIZEN.
THAT'S WEIRD.
TED CRUZ WANTS TO KICK HIM OUT OF THE COUNTRY FOR TRYING
TO BECOME PRESIDENT.
YOU ARE LOOKING AT MARCO RUBIO THERE, ONE OF THE
LEADING COMPETITORS ON THE CONSERVATIVE SIDE.
SENATOR RUBIO WAS BORN IN THE U.S..
EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT HIS PARENTS WERE NOT CITIZENS
YET, MAKING HIM IN ANCHOR BABY.
NOW HE SAYS HE WOULD NOT REPEAL THE 14TH
AMENDMENT, BUT HE WOULD BE OPEN TO EXPLORING WAYS OF NOT
ALLOWING PEOPLE WHO ARE COMING HERE DELIBERATELY FOR THAT
PURPOSE TO REQUIRE CITIZENSHIP.
WHATEVER THAT MEANS.
AND WHY DID YOUR PARENTS COME HERE FROM CUBA?
I DON'T KNOW, RIGHT?
I'M SURE THEY CAME HERE FOR ñ
THEY CAME HERE FOR THE MANY DIFFERENT DELICIOUS FLAVORS
OF RICE-A-RONI.
SARAH PALIN WAS THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE,
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IN THAT PARTY.
BUT THE REASON I GUESS I DISAGREE WITH YOU ABOUT
RUBIO A LITTLE IS BECAUSE YOU LOOK AT THOSE POLLS OUT TODAY,
AND HE IS DOING BETTER THAN ANY OF THEM AGAINST HILLARY CLINTON.
HE STILL DOES BETTER.
IF THEY CAN GET TO THE POINT WHERE HE WAS A CANDIDATE, ñ
IS GOING TO BE HARD.
IN PART BECAUSE HE IS ONLY PRETTY CRAZY.
HE WOULD NOT REPEAL THE 14TH
AMENDMENT, HOWEVER BOBBY JINDAL WOULD.
BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT LETS GO TO THE NEXT PERSON WHO
WOULD NOT BE A CITIZEN.
OH, BOBBY JINDAL.
HE WOULD GET RID OF BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP.
I MEAN BOBBY, THE MAN WITH THE WHITE PORTRAIT IN HIS
OFFICE.
I SAID BOBBY, YOU THINK THEY ARE NOT GOING TO COME FOR YOU
AND YOUR FAMILY?
ONE WEEK LATER, YOU ARE ON THE LIST
MOTHER FUCKER.
HE WAS BORN HERE, NOW HIS PARENTS WHO WERE NOT CITIZENS-
YOUR MOM IS NOT A CITIZEN, YOUR DAD IS NOT, YOU WERE BORN
HERE, YOU ARE A FUCKING ANCHOR BABY.
SO, BYE-BYE.
YOU ARE NOT GOING TO THINK YOU ARE RESTED AND TANNED.
IS THAT REAL?
THAT IS HIS SLOGAN.
ISN'T THAT THE SADDEST THING YOU HAVE EVER HEARD?
THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE.
AND IN THAT NOTHING ABOUT HIS WAIST.
IT'S A TINY WAIST.
GUESS WHAT, BOBBY?
YOUR PAPERS DON'T SAY YOUR TAN, YOUR PAPER SAYS YOU WERE NOT
A CITIZEN WHEN YOU WERE BORN.
DOESN'T THAT PICTURE OF MARCO RUBIO ñ IT LOOKS LIKE
HE IS JUST WAITING TO COMMIT AN ASSAULT AT A FRAT PARTY.
THE WIDE SHOT PICTURE.
LADIES, STAY AWAY FROM THAT GUY.
HE'S LIKE, LOOK AT WHAT SHE IS WEARING.
SO, NOW LET'S THINK ABOUT WHERE THIS LEAVES US.
IF YOU GO BACK FAR ENOUGH AND START REVOKING CITIZENSHIP
OF EVERYONE WHOSE PARENTS WERE NOT CITIZENS BUT WERE BORN
HERE IN THE UNITED STATES AT THE TIME,
YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO KEEP GOING BACK AND REVOKE ALMOST
EVERYONE'S CITIZENSHIP.
BECAUSE WHEN THEY CAME OVER ON THE SANTA MARIA, THE NINA,
AND THE PINTA, THEY WERE ALL UNDOCUMENTED.
WHEN COLUMBUS CAME HERE HE WAS UNDOCUMENTED.
PLYMOUTH ROCK, UNDOCUMENTED.
ALL OF YOU GUYS, YOU ARE ALL GONERS.
THE FACT THAT YOU WERE BORN HERE IS IRRELEVANT.
WHO ARE THE ONLY ONES TO REMAIN?
FIRST OF ALL, YOU'RE LOOKING AT ONE OF THE SURVIVORS.
BECAUSE I WENT THROUGH A LEGAL PROCESS AND I BECAME
NATURALIZED.
I WAS LUCKY THAT I WASN'T BORN HERE.
I WILL REMAIN.
MOST OF YOU WILL BE KICKED OUT, BUT I WILL REMAIN.
EVEN CONSERVATIVES SAY THE 14TH AMENDMENT APPLIES TO SLAVES.
THEY SAY DOESN'T APPLY TO ANYONE ELSE, ONLY SLAVES.
SO, AFRICAN-AMERICANS GET TO STAY BECAUSE THE 14TH
AMENDMENT SPECIFICALLY APPLIES TO BLACKS.
WHO ELSE GETS TO STAY?
NATIVE AMERICANS OBVIOUSLY.
I THINK CONSERVATIVES AGREE WITH THAT.
SO THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO WOULD REMAIN ARE NATIVE
AMERICANS, BLACKS, AND LEGALIZED NATURALIZED CITIZENS.
EVERYONE ELSE, PACK YOUR BAGS.
JOIN BOBBY AND MARCO AND DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU OR THE
GOOD LORD SPLIT YOU.