Geoffrey here.
And in this video I'm gonna show you how you can fix the most common
communication issues in your relationship.
And if you really want to empower yourself and really take control and start
improving your relationship,
then you want to subscribe to his channel and click that bell button to be
notified when I post five new videos every single week.
[inaudible]
so we get it, we hear it all the time. Communication is key.
When you have great communication, your relationship can really flourish.
But if you can't, then it will die. We know this already,
but the real question is how do we build it? How do we nurture it?
How do we create good communication when your communication sucks?
So I'm going to show you a different way of looking at communication that really
Ricks it down into something much, much simpler than you know, we,
we make it out to be.
And the first thing we need to understand is that communication is really dead
simple. You know, communication happens when you have two people.
In this case it's you and your partner or sometimes more people in a group
setting.
But in this case you have two people and each of those people have information,
they have ideas, they have thoughts, they have opinions and so on.
And all they're doing is just exchanging those ideas.
It's dead simple and you might be thinking like a duh. Of course it is,
but that's the exact problem though. When we talk about communication issues,
we make it so over complicated,
but if we really break down communication like this,
then we realize that it's actually quite dead simple.
And if we understand it in this way,
then we can also understand that communication only breaks down when two things
happen. And this is it.
The only ways that communication breaks down is if two things happen,
number one,
one or both persons is not willing to receive someone's ideas.
So you could be sharing ideas all day long,
but if one person or both persons is not willing to receive the other person's
ideas, communication breaks down, the whole pipe gets blocked.
The other way that communication can break down is if one person refuses to
share in some way or shares the wrong thing or lies.
And really that might sound dead simple and it might sound like stupidly
obvious, but it is. That's just what communication is.
And so once we understand that those are the only two ways that communication
can really break down, then we can start doing a better diagnosis here.
So let's start with what prevents someone from receiving ideas in the first
place. Why is it so hard to receive someone's ideas?
There's really two reasons here. It's only these two reasons.
I've never seen someone not able to receive ideas that is not belonging in this
two reasons. Number one is you have shitty listening skills.
So a lot of us think that we listened very well. We are very good listeners.
You know, we do like the eye contact thing. We think about being present,
we think about not responding when we talk, for example.
So we try all these things,
but yet our partner is saying to us like are shitty listener,
you're not listening to me. Well, in my experience,
a lot of us think that we're good listeners, but we're really shitty listeners.
And so I've made a video on how you can listen properly.
The one technique that I teach all my clients to really enable them to listen
really, really well and rather effortlessly doing so and so.
If you want to watch that video then click the link above my head and that video
will show you the one technique I teach all my clients to help them listen
better and actually have more productive conversations.
So that's the first reason is that you have shitty listening skills.
The second reason is that you are a very judgmental person.
So if you are a person who have this one sense of right and wrong and you
strongly identify yourself, you look at anything in life and you say,
that's good, that's bad, I like that, I don't like that, that's me,
that's not me. Then you're going to struggle with communication.
And the problem of judgment is that as soon as your punter says something,
especially if your partner says something,
you don't agree with all the willpower,
you can have to listen suddenly just cut short because you are no longer in
listening mode, but you are in counter attack mode. You want to disagree,
you want to correct them, you want to rebut them and everything.
You're never going to listen again.
And so one of the biggest reasons why couples cannot communicate or they can
resolve conflicts is that they have,
they each have this strong sense of identity of what's right and wrong within
themselves and they clash.
And so I have a video on this already and and really in my experience,
once I get people to stop being so judgmental and really start being more open
minded in life,
they realize that no only do they have a much better relationship.
They can communicate better, they can resolve more conflicts.
But also what happens is if you're less judgemental,
you can improve yourself better. You become more capable,
you're able to appreciate life a lot more.
And you get along with just more people.
So your ability to not judge is such a crucial aspect of not only your
relationship but also just you as a human being.
It's a very important skill to have.
And so if you want to learn how to be less judgmental,
then you want to click the link above my head as well.
Cause I made a video on this in detail about how judgment can really kill your
relationship but also can make you miserable and also can make you less capable
as a person, as a human being in life. So if you want to watch that video,
then click the link above my head.
And so those are really the two reasons why you can receive something.
Either you have shitty listening skills,
you don't know how to listen or you are very judgmental as a person.
And if you look at the best couples and you look at the my best students,
they're the ones who really learn and really nurture their listening skills.
And they're the ones who really know and understand what it means to actually be
openminded. And once they do these two things,
they can receive anything that their partner says and they can actually
appreciate it.
They can actually understand it and communication can flow a little bit better.
So with that though,
what is something that you judge or by your partner about the relationship and
once you figure that thing out,
just think about how is that affecting your relationship right now?
How's it affecting the way you communicate with your partner?
And I can guarantee you that it's affecting it in many, many bad ways.
So if you find out what that is, leave a comment below.
We'd love to hear your thoughts on this one.
So now let's go to the second part of this equation,
which is what makes someone not want to share or not want to share something
fully. And if you've been following me for awhile,
then you know the magic word here, which is emotional safety.
It's a lack of safety. The lack of safety is why people don't want to share.
So what is the lack of safety here? Well,
usually what happens is one or both persons in the relationship has learned over
the years that there are some things that just best left unsaid,
that there are some things that just keep to themselves.
Because if they express it, it's not gonna end well.
Is it going to end in some argument in some fights,
in some really bad consequences that, that nobody wants to get into.
And so how do you know if you have a lack of safety here? Well,
there's two ways that people can respond. One is like the passive way.
So let's say that you're finding that you are asking your partner a bunch of
questions and all they give you are just very passive answers.
One word answers or to just completely ignore you.
They Stonewall you so you could say, Hey honey, how's your day? And they say,
it's fine, I guess, but you know, something's not fine, but they say, I'm fine,
I guess. Or did I even respond to you? Or did you sign and go like, ah,
forget it. Nevermind. So when you get those kinds of responses,
then you know that you have destroyed safety in some way.
The other way that it can show is through anger, so very active for them.
So let's say you ask the question and they get really defensive. They rebut you,
they counter attack you,
they get really personal on you and they get really upset when they respond that
way. Then you know that you're destroying safety in some way as well.
And a lot of you might think like, you know,
I let my partner say what he wants to say.
But if you're receiving any of these responses a lot, often,
then you need to humble yourself and you need to really admit to yourself that,
Hey,
maybe there are some things that I did subconsciously and I didn't realize it,
but I really did destroy the safety because I haven't worked with one client in
my 300 plus clients that I've worked with who after they created safety,
their partner,
while still very defensive or still very guarded and very like passive like
that. Once you establish safety,
there'll be so much more openness and so much more willingness to share on both
sides. So if you're really having a hard time getting your partner to share it,
then you need to humble yourself and admit that maybe safety is broken.
And so once you find out that safety's broken, so how do you actually build it?
How do you actually create it? Well,
a big part of it is paying attention to understanding how to listen well and
becoming less judgmental. So when you can listen well,
when you can really listen well and not like listening for five minutes,
we're talking about listening for even like two hours straight or even sometimes
a week straight. That kind of listening, that level of listening.
If you can do that and you can be not judgmental the whole time so you're not
judging anything, you're not imposing anything,
you don't try to solve anything by just listening and understanding,
then you'll slowly show to your partner that, Hey, I can actually say the truth.
I can actually say the harsh stuff and my partner will actually understand.
We'll actually listen and we are actually interested in what I have to say.
And slowly you can build a trust that way.
But the second thing you can do in the second thing that is very,
very important is to understand how to stay calm.
So often emotional safety is destroyed in those really tough moments.
So when your partner says something very mean to you or something very hurtful
to you,
that's the moments when you usually lose your cool and you'll react badly.
But also understand those aren't the make or break moments that either create
more safety or destroy safety.
And so during those harshest moments are the ones who are,
you actually need to stay the most calm,
to stay the most relaxed and not respond badly.
Because if you keep responding badly,
then what happens is that will keep showing to your partner that, Hey,
if the truth is harsh enough, I better keep it to myself.
But that's a dangerous slope to go into because if you force your partner,
if you make it really hard for your partner to express the really harsh stuff,
the real difficult truth, those same difficult truth, the same harsh truth,
the most painful truth are the ones that must come out because they're the ones
that are probably killing the relationship the most and the ones that you must
resolve. But you can't resolve it if you never talk about it.
So it's crucial that in this very key moments, in this very tough moment,
you learn how to become Bulletproof.
So emotionally Bulletproof yourself because safety is really hard earned but
easily destroyed. So you must never be complacent when it comes to safety.
And if you want to learn how to become Bulletproof,
emotionally Bulletproof in the face of those very intense moments,
then you want to click the link above my head as well.
And in that video I talk about exactly the step by step way,
the mental tricks you need to know to really stay calm under pressure.
And the third thing that people do is to focus on effectiveness, not efficiency.
So the issue with a lot of people when they try to communicate is that they
focus too much on making it fast.
They think that the faster they can make the conversation,
the better the conversation is. So if a conversation is like 10 minutes,
they can resolve it. That's a really good conversation. But in my books,
when you're dealing with people,
you always want to focus on effectiveness over efficiency.
So I could have a conversation, for example, that I spent four hours on,
but in those four hours, I didn't come to any resolution.
But what I did do is I created safety. I let my partner know that, Hey,
whatever you can express, it was safe. I didn't react badly.
Nothing bad happened. I just listened. So even though there was no solution,
no resolution, uh,
it took four hours and it seemed like a waste of time in my books.
That conversation was very effective.
But if I had a conversation that was five minutes long,
and in the five minutes we actually came to some resolution.
But I know that I didn't really listen to my partner and create that emotional
safety. And make that my partner felt understood,
then I know I failed miserably. So focus on effectiveness,
not efficiency when it comes to talking with your partner.
And number four is really do everything you can to reward more sharing of ideas.
So every time your partner shares ideas with you, before you respond,
you want to ask yourself,
is my response going to reward my partner for it before expressing himself or
herself?
So is my partner going to want to express more things in the future or less
things? Does it discourage or punish my partner for sharing things?
And number five,
the most important thing to understand is that emotional safety is your number
one currency. That's the most important thing you have in the relationship.
So you must center all their communication, all the, the way you respond,
the way you think around. How can I create safety,
the most safety in my relationship to allow my partner to feel free to express
him or herself more and more and more.
And understand also that safety is hard earned but easily destroyed.
So you could do 99 things, right, to creating safety.
But when you do the one thing wrong to destroy safety,
that one big thing can really cancel out the other 99 so you should never be
complacent and always try and really master the art of creating safety.
And if you can pay attention to all these five things,
then you know that you're doing everything you can to allow your partner to open
up and to express whatever their thoughts are.
And so once you pay attention to these two parts,
so you learn the skills to actually listen, to really listen,
to be less judgmental than you learn all these skills to create safety and to
allow your partner to share more things,
then you will never have communication problems in your relationship.
It's impossible because again,
these are the only two ways that communication can really break down in your
relationship.
And also understand too that this process of improving both sides of the
communication, it takes time. It's not an overnight thing.
Safety is not built overnight. It's built in months, six months,
sometimes even a year, depending on how much you damage that.
So you have to be patient. When it comes to anything in relationships,
you have to be patient. And so if you're interested in a resource,
I can teach you the step by step ways of how to build emotional safety.
Then you want to check out my free four day training series on this topic.
Exactly and this training series will teach you the step by step way of how to
start a conversation,
progress a conversation and end the conversations in a way that prioritizes
safety.
And we also talk about a bunch of mindset stuff like how you can push through
resistance and really the mindset of winners and of my best students.
So if you're interested in downloading that training series,
then you can click the link in the description box below this video and if
you're looking for a safe space where you can talk about the issues you're
facing in your relationship and you want to actually get expert advice and
really good advice on it,
then you also want to join our secret Facebook group where it's filled with
members just like you who are just as committed and as enthusiastic to work in
the relationship as you are and the link to that.
It's also in the description box below this video.
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We'd love to hear your thoughts and thank you so much for watching this video
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really, really appreciate all of you being here. Uh, in the meantime though,
I'll see you in the next video.