>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, EVERYBODY!
GOTTA LOVE A LITTLE SLY STONE.
GOT A LITTLE FAMILY AFFAIR.
>> IT'S A FAMILY.
>> Stephen: LOUIS, LOUIS, WE ARE SO LUCKY TONIGHT.
THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF SHOW I WANT TO BE DOING.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE ALL KINDS OF WONDERFUL GUESTS, STARS,
AUTHORS, SCIENTISTS, INTELLECTUALS, AMAZING.
BUT TONIGHT, WE HAVE SOMETHING TRULY RARE.
WE HAVE THE PRIME MINISTER OF NEW ZEALAND HERE TONIGHT,
JACINDA ARDERN.
AND, ALSO, I'M HAPPY TO SAY, I'M HAPPY AND PROUD TO SAY THAT THIS
IS THE KIND OF SHOW WHERE THIS IS NOT HER FIRST TRIP TO THIS
SHOW.
WE HAVE HAD HER ON BEFORE.
AND NOT ONLY THAT, PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER THAT, WHEN I WENT
DOWN TO NEW ZEALAND, SHE WAS MY UBER DRIVER.
SHE PICKED ME UP FROM THE AIRPORT.
>> IS THAT TRUE.
>> Stephen: THAT IS TRUE.
AND THE CRAZY PART IS WE'RE DRIVING THROUGH AUCKLAND FOR A
HOUSE, WHICH IS NICE, BUT IT'S JUST A HOUSE IN AUCKLAND.
WE'RE DRIVING TO THE HER HOUSE, AND PEOPLE AREN'T GOING, "IT'S
THE PRIME MINISTER!" THEY'RE GOING, "HEY, JHA."
IT'S A LOVELY PLACE.
VERY NICE PEOPLE, TOO.
HAVE YOU BEEN?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: EVERYBODY HAS TO GO TO NEW ZEALAND.
THEY'RE OPEN FOR BUSINESS AGAIN.
NEW ZEALAND, THEY'VE BEEN CLOSED.
THEY CLOSED THE WHOLE PLACE DOWN FOR COVID IN A VERY SERIOUS WAY,
AS WE ALL SAW, THEY TOOK IT VERY SERIOUSLY.
BUT NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWO YEARS, THEY'RE OPEN.
EVERYBODY GO DOWN.
YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO REGRET IT.
IT'S ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PLACES ON THE PLANET.
THEY DESERVE IT.
THEY DESERVE IT, IS WHAT THEY DO.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW I
SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, METICULOUSLY SIFTING
THROUGH THE DAILY NEWS DESERT, HARVESTING THE FINEST,
MOST TOPICAL MINERAL SANDS-- ABOUT 65% SILICA, A 10% FLUX
OF SODIUM OXIDE, AND A STABILIZER OF CALCIUM OXIDE--
WHICH I THEN SMELT IN A HIGH-TEMPERATURE CALCERA FURNACE
AT 1,200 TO 1,400 DEGREES CELSIUS, FUSING THEM INTO LIQUID
GLASS, THEN CAREFULLY DROPPING MY FURNACE TEMPERATURE SO I CAN
FOLD IN HAND-SELECTED CULLET AND COBALT TO OBTAIN MY INTENDED
COLOR AND CREATE THE MOST PRISMATIC NEWS CRYSTALS, WHICH
I THEN DELICATELY HANG ON A HAND-CRAFTED BALUSTER OF
HEADLINES, ARRANGING THEM TO CATCH AND REFRACT, IN A GENTLE
DANCE OF LIGHT AND SHADOW, THE MOST TOPICAL REFLECTIONS OF THE
DAY, ADORNING THE ARRANGEMENT WITH ONE FINAL FINIAL OF QUIPS
TO PRESENT TO YOU THE VENETIAN MURANO GLASS CHANDELIER THAT IS
MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES FOLKS, SOMETOMES,
FOLKS, SOMETOMES, I JOLT AWAKE NAKED IN THE BACK BOOTH OF A
LONG-ABANDONED COUNTY FAIR, I PULL ON SOME OVERALLS I STOLE
OFF A SCARECROW, AND CLAW THROUGH THE GROUNDS SCRAPING THE
LEAVINGS OFF SOME DISUSED SPARKLERS, PICK THROUGH BROKEN
COKE BOTTLES AND BIRTHDAY CANDLES, BOIL OFF THE REMNANTS
IN A DISCARDED TUB OF LAUNDRY DETERGENT TO EXTRACT THE
BENZENE.
THEN, USING THE SHOELACES I TOOK OFF A HOBO SLEEPING UNDER
THE FERRIS WHEEL AND DENTAL FLOSS CURRENTLY IN USE BY SAID
HOBO, I BIND THE CONGLOMERATE OF SHARDS AND ACCELERANT
TOGETHER AND HOLD IT NEAR THE SPUTTERING SPARK PLUG OF AN
OLD ICE CREAM TRUCK TO IGNITE THE CHAOTIC CANDELABRA OF
FLAMING NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALWAYS WATER IN THE WELL.
IT'S LIKE COMING HOME.
MEANWHILE, A 5-YEAR-OLD TEE BALL PLAYER NAMED BEN SADLOWSKI IS
GOING VIRAL TODAY FOR HIS ELABORATE AT-BAT WALK-UP DANCE.
TAKE A LOOK.
♪ ♪ ♪ I HAVEN'T SEEN SUCH AN ELABORATE
WALK-UP DANCING SINCE DEREK JETER HIT A DOUBLE AFTER
PERFORMING "SWAN LAKE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ANYWAY, GOOD FOR YOU.
THAT WAS ALL A LOT OF SUPER FUN TO WATCH, BUT THIS IS BASEBALL,
AND I'M AFRAID DANCING DOESN'T HELP-- OH!
GOOD-BYE, MR. SPALDING!
GOOD FOR YOU, BEN.
( APPLAUSE )
ITS LAST STANDING PUBLIC PAY PHONES YESTERDAY.
THIS IS THE END OF AN ERA.
NOW WHERE WILL NEW YORKERS PEE?
( LAUGHTER )
PLANT IS NOW AT RISK OF EXTINCTION IN CAMBODIA BECAUSE
PEOPLE KEEP PLUCKING IT OUT OF THE GROUND TO TAKE SELFIES
WITH IT.
OH, PLEASE.
GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER, PEOPLE.
HOW PHALLIC-LOOKING COULD THIS THING POSSIBLY--
OH, MY!
OH!
OH, GOODNESS!
OH, LORDY!
IS THAT A FLOWER, OR IS THE JUNGLE JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, HERE'S THE THING, HERE'S THE THING THAT PEOPLE HERE DON'T
KNOW: YOU AT HOME ARE GETTING A
SLIGHTLY BLURRED VERSION OF THIS BECAUSE-- MY LORD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO UNBELIEVABLY DONG-ISH THAT THE
CBS TELEVISION NETWORK-- AND THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE-- MADE
US BLUR A PLANT.
SO USE YOUR IMAGINATION AT HOME.
OR GOOGLE "WHAT A PENIS LOOKS LIKE," AND IT'S EXACTLY THIS
PHOTO.
THIS PLANT IS CALLED NEPENTHES MIRABILIS, AND IT'S IN DANGER OF
GOING EXTINCT BECAUSE EVERYONE IS COLLECTING THEM AFTER A VIDEO
OF SOME WOMEN PICKING THE PENIS PLANT WENT VIRAL ON SOCIAL
MEDIA.
I DUNNO.
THE PLANTS SEEM PRETTY INTO IT.
( LAUGHTER )
A CHRISTIAN INFLUENCER WARNED THAT THE YOGA BARBIE DOLL
SPREADS SATANISM.
I CAN BELIEVE THAT.
WHENEVER SOMEONE SUGGESTS I DO YOGA, I TELL THEM TO GO TO HELL
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE INFLUENCER, YASMEEN SURI, A CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN,
RECENTLY WENT ON A RANT, CLAIMING THAT "BREATHE WITH ME"
BARBIE COULD LEAD TO CHILDREN BECOMING POSSESSED BY DEMONS.
ESPECIALLY WHEN "BREATHE WITH ME" BARBIE IS PAIRED WITH
"GOAT SACRIFICE" KEN.
( LAUGHTER )
HE'S-- HE'S ASKING SATAN FOR ANY GENITALIA AT ALL.
MEANWHILE, IN ANIMAL NEWS, MARINE BIOLOGISTS HAVE
DISCOVERED THAT DOLPHINS RECOGNIZE EACH OTHER BY TASTING
ONE ANOTHER'S URINE.
YECH.
ALSO, WHAT ARE DOLPHIN HIGH SCHOOL REUNIONS LIKE?
"OH, MY GOODNESS, DAN NOONAN?
IT'S DAN NOONAN!
IT IS HIM.
GIVE HER A TASTE, SEE?
IT'S DAN!
HE LOOKS GREAT!
I DON'T KNOW.
( LAUGHTER )
SAYING "OMG, WTF" TODAY, BECAUSE WE LEARNED THAT THE J.M. SMUCKER
COMPANY HAS RECALLED SEVERAL JIF PEANUT BUTTER PRODUCTS BECAUSE
THEY MAY CONTAIN SALMONELLA.
THE RISK IS ESPECIALLY HIGH IN JARS OF JIF CHUNKY RAW CHICKEN.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PRIME MINISTER JACINDA ARDERN.
♪ ♪ ♪