- You still stretch before you have sex.
You scream "Get ready for the dismount, wah!"
- Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt.
- I'm not Batman (bleep) sake.
- And soon as I get in the houses
I take all my clothes and lay on the ground.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Tired of this relationship stuff.
Women putting us through it.
What do you want from us?
Women always ask me, "Did you cheat?"
Women want to know, "Did you cheat?
"Are you cheating on me?
"Are you cheating?
"You're cheating, you're cheating, you're cheating."
Well, bitch, did I win?
Did I win? (audience laughing)
I'm cheating.
The relation trip, that's what it's called.
Nobody want to be, nobody really want to be in,
why you fall in love, what's love?
Forget love, fall in like.
'Cause when you're in like
you do the same thing you do when you love somebody,
exact same, you go places, you have fun,
you lay together, you love,
you do all this stuff.
You can fake like I love you.
You just don't say the other word.
Same amount of letters, less stress,
you know what I'm saying?
Then you get in a relationship
and you move in with the person.
Now y'all live together.
And then men, you accept this stress.
You said, "Aye, I'ma to live with this woman."
So that's your fault, you don't have to live with her.
So now you got to accept the responsibilities
of living with your woman.
You ever had this, you ever to have a curfew?
You a grown ass man but you got a curfew
'cause you live with your woman.
So now you're out with your boys,
now you're looking at your watch every other minute.
They gonna talk to everybody in here, huh.
Now you get in your ride and you go home.
And now you got to sneak in your own damn house.
(audience applauding)
Yo house! (audience applauding)
You pull up, you pull up,
you turn the lights off like a drive-by.
You get out, you creep up to the door,
and this is what I do, I'm real slick.
I stick my thumb through the keyhole,
grab the rest of the keys so they don't make no noise,
turn it and sneak in the door.
And as soon as I get in the house
I take off all my clothes and lay on the ground.
So that way no matter when she come out
I be like "I was sleep".
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
And the biggest part,
the biggest part to me of being in relationship
is if you're a jealous man forget being jealous.
If I got a beautiful woman,
I'm glad she beautiful, I'm not no jealous man.
I don't have time to be jealous.
I feel like the things another man can do for you
he can't do for you while with you
so why am I gonna be jealous?
Like a lot of these men out here,
they get mad if you want a buy they girlfriend a drink.
What? (audience laughing)
Do you know how expensive alcohol is?
(audience applauding)
No, no, no, no, not DeRay, I wish.
I wish my woman would walk up talking about some
"DeRay, DeRay."
"What, what?"
"He want to buy me a drink."
"Well get the hell away from me before you mess it up."
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
And before she get close, I say "Get me a long island"
and I walk away. (audience applauding)
- I think the secret
of surviving in New York without going crazy
is learning how to block things out.
All the extraneous noise you hear.
Like car alarms for instance.
Everybody knows that car alarms are annoying,
but nobody ever mentions the fact
that they're also completely useless.
(audience laughing)
Because when is the last time,
and this is not a rhetorical question,
honestly, ask yourself this.
When is the last time you were lying in bed,
heard a car alarm go off,
and thought to yourself,
"Oh my God, a car is being stolen."
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
10 years ago, maybe.
No, you think
"Somebody better shut that (bleep) damn thing off
"or I'm gonna stab myself." (audience applauding)
You don't actually think a car's being stolen.
And even if you did
it's not like you're gonna go do anything about it.
I'm not Batman for (bleep) sake.
(audience laughing)
No, you're just gonna say
"Oh, sucks to be that dude,"
and put your pillow over your head and go to sleep.
So then what is the point of a car alarm
if it doesn't get people out of their beds to come help you?
So if I ever have a car alarm,
if I ever have a car, (audience laughing)
it's just gonna be a big speaker on the back of my car.
And whenever anybody tries to break in it's just gonna go
"Attention, free bags of weed.
"(mimicking alarm) Come get your free bags of weed."
(mimicking alarm) (audience applauding)
Because then people are gonna come running.
Maybe not the kind of people that who help a whole lot,
but people nonetheless. (audience laughing)
- I'm trying to be more creative lately.
I'm working on a book right now.
I'm pretty excited about it
because some authors write in first person
and others write in third person.
But I'm writing my book in fifth person.
So every sentence starts out with
"I heard from this guy who told somebody".
(audience laughing)
It's gonna be a long book. (audience laughing)
I think the worst time to have a heart attack
is during a game of charades. (audience laughing)
Especially if your teammates are bad guessers.
(audience laughing)
Game over means game over. (audience laughing)
On Thursday I changed the names of all my fish.
And they didn't seem to mind. (audience laughing)
Especially Dead Tony. (audience laughing)
One of my friends just spent $700
for a couch that turns into a bed.
And I said to him, "Dude, you wasted your money.
"Every couch turns into a bed.
"You just got to lie on it long ways."
(audience laughing)
And if you drink enough beer everything turns into a bed.
(audience laughing)
And a little more makes everything a toilet.
(audience laughing)
A couple weeks ago I went into a sporting goods store
and I bought a muscle shirt.
(audience laughing)
Those things should come with a warning.
May lower self esteem. (audience laughing)
Last week I lost my temper in my karate class.
Man I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt.
(audience laughing)
'Cause I can tell you
there's a difference between taking karate
and receiving karate. (audience laughing)
Skinny guy receives. (audience laughing)
I got this stuff that makes my toilet water blue.
It's called blueberry popsicles.
(audience laughing)
I mean, you got to eat a lot of them but it works.
(audience laughing)
I used to compete in sports a lot.
And then I realized that you can buy trophies.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Now I'm good at everything. (audience laughing)
I was in a bar the other night with some friends
and I had to go to the bathroom really bad.
So I went in there and I sat down
and I looked up and on the stall
somebody wrote "Metallica rules".
And under that somebody wrote "Metallica sucks".
And under that somebody wrote "You suck".
(audience laughing)
And under that somebody wrote "Screw you".
(audience laughing)
And I just thought, "Man, a lot of people crap with pens."
(audience laughing)
- Okay, see if you think this is bad.
My boyfriend got mad at me recently
for leaning like this while I performed oral sex.
I'm tired. (audience laughing)
He was like, "Could you be enthusiastic, please?"
Not for nothing, but I've been with him five years, okay.
His penis is in syndication at this point.
(audience laughing)
Like you want enthusiasm
make it do something I've never seen it do before.
(audience laughing)
Like the dishes. (audience laughing)
Oh, I would be so enthusiastic.
I'm like "Go peeny, go peeny, go peeny."
(audience laughing)
And you get sleepy, right?
You ever fall asleep performing oral sex?
(audience laughing)
What's so funny, I've done it. (audience laughing)
It's not that bad.
Waking up is horrible. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Where am I?
What is this?
Do you have any relish? What is this?
(audience laughing)
I was in the park.
I was at a hot dog stand.
You still like sex, don't you? (audience laughing)
You do, I know you do 'cause you're in your 20s.
It's still fun, yeah, sure.
You still stretch before you have sex.
You scream "Get ready for the dismount, wah!"
(audience laughing)
In your 30s things change.
I'm not that excited anymore.
Now I'm like "I made dinner, I get bottom."
(audience laughing) I called it.
(audience applauding)
This is dirty but I don't care.
Sometimes I'll do it doggystyle
'cause you can watch --. (audience laughing)
It's a very underrated position
'cause it frees you up to multitask.
Let's face it,
the laundry is not gonna fold itself, people.
(audience laughing) You know that's true.
But you have to be careful
'cause if you have a guy
who likes to talk during sex like I do
it's very aggravating.
It's hard to get other stuff done.
He's like "You like it like that?"
"Hello, I'm reading, I'm not bothering you.
"Why are you always talking
"and bothering and interrupting me?
"It's very annoying." (audience applauding)
(hip hop beat) (audience cheering)