WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LOOK, DOES ANYONE--
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I HAVE AN IMPORTANT, IF PERSONAL QUESTION: DOES ANYONE HERE USE
MONEY?
A COUPLE OF PEOPLE DO.
OKAY.
IF SO, YOU MIGHT WANT TO RETHINK PUTTING IT IN THE STOCK MARKET
AND INVEST IN SOMETHING MORE TABLE OVER USEFUL IN THE
AFTER-TIMES, LIKE POTABLE WATER, OR SHEEP, OR
FLAME-THROWING GUITARS, BECAUSE IT WAS A ROUGH DAY ON THE STOCK
MARKET TODAY.
THE DOW ENDED THE DAY DOWN 473 POINTS.
AND I THINK WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THE CLOSING BELL:
( CLOSING BELL MIXED WITH "PRIC IS RIGHT" DISAPPOINT THEME )
HERE'S WHAT CAUSED THE PLUNGE: YOU SEE, TRUMP HAS BEEN TRYING
TO GET A TRADE DEAL WITH CHINA, AND THIS IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE
CHINA'S PRINCIPLE EXPORT IS...
EVERYTHING YOU OWN.
CHINESE TRADE NEGOTIATORS WERE SCHEDULED TO ARRIVE IN
WASHINGTON FOR TALKS TOMORROW.
RIGHT?
TOMORROW.
THINGS WERE LOOKING GOOD, BUT THEN ON SUNDAY, TRUMP TWEETED
THIS:
"FOR TEN MONTHS, CHINA HAS BEEN PAYING TARIFFS TO THE U.S.A. OF
25% ON $50 BILLION OF HIGH TECH, AND 10% ON $200 BILLION OF OTHER
GOODS.
THESE PAYMENTS ARE PARTIALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR GREAT
ECONOMIC RESULTS.
THE 10% WILL GO UP TO 25% ON FRIDAY.
$325 BILLIONS DOLLARS, DOT, DOT, DOT."
OKAY, I'M GOING TO STOP RIGHT THERE AND POINT OUT THAT THE MAN
WHO CONTROLS OUR ECONOMIC FUTURE, HAS IT IN THE PALM OF
HIS HANDS, SAYS "BILLIONSES DOLLAR."
( AS TRUMP )
GETS MY MONEYS, MY BILLIONS DOLLARS, THERE'S GOING TO BE
TROUBLES.
DON'T MAKE ME PUT MY RINGS ON."
BUT TRUMP ASSURED THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
( AS TRUMP )
HAVE HAD LITTLE IMPACT ON PRODUCT COST, MOSTLY BORNE BY
CHINA."
OF COURSE, TRUMP IS LYING IN THAT TWEET, AND HERE'S HOW YOU
KNOW...
HE'S THE ONE SAYING IT.
ALSO, ALL THE--
SURE.
ALSO, U.S.-BASED COMPANIES PAY THE ADDITIONAL MONEY AND OFTEN
END UP PASSING THESE COSTS ON TO AMERICAN CONSUMERS.
SO HE'S WILLING TO TANK THE ECONOMY JUST TO LOOK LIKE A
TOUGH GUY WITH CHINA.
( AS TRUMP )
STRONG I AM?
WELL, STAND BACK WHILE I PUNCH MYSELF IN THE FACE.
HERE IT COMES."
NOW--
"IT'S OKAY, I'VE GOT ALL THIS PADDING."
NOW, TRUMP'S THREAT TO RAISE TARIFFS WAS NOT WELL RECEIVED BY
THE CHINESE.
THEY ISSUED THIS OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT RESPONSE:
"DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT."
( LAUGHTER )
HE DOES NOT THINK.
CHINESE SOCIAL MEDIA--
CHINESE SOCIAL MEDIA CIRCULATED A MEME OF TRUMP AS THANOS.
GREAT, GREAT!
SO NOW I WON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT TRUMP'S DOING UNLESS I WATCH
"ANT MAN AND THE WASP."
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S NOT HAPPENING IN WASHINGTON.
ON THURSDAY, ATTORNEY GENERAL WILLIAM BARR DID NOT APPEAR
BEFORE THE HOUSE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE, WHERE HE DID NOT HAVE
TO ANSWER QUESTIONS ABOUT ALL THE THINGS HE DID NOT DISCLOSE
ABOUT THE MUELLER REPORT, WHICH DID NOT EXONERATE THE PRESIDENT.
SO, IN SHORT, WE HAVE A FUNCTIONING DEMOCRACY-- NOT.
( LAUGHTER )
ALSO SUBPOENAED THE RECORDS OF FORMER WHITE HOUSE COUNSEL AND
MAN INDICATING WHO DEALT IT,
DON McGAHN.
NOW, McGAHN'S TESTIMONY TO ROBERT MUELLER IS WHERE MANY OF
THE EXAMPLES OF OBSTRUCTION IN THE MUELLER REPORT COME FROM.
THAT'S WHY THE HOUSE WANTS McGAHN'S DOCUMENTS.
BUT THIS MORNING, THE "WHITE HOUSE ORDERED McGAHN NOT TO
COMPLY WITH THE CONGRESSIONAL SUBPOENA."
CLEARLY, THEY'RE AFRAID OF WHAT HIS PAPERS WILL REVEAL, BECAUSE
YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING: IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY,
YOU PROBABLY WORKED FOR DONALD TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER )
BIG--
CHILLY.
IT'S FROSTY IN HERE TONIGHT.
THE BIG QUESTION REMAINS WILL ROBERT MUELLER TESTIFY?
AND THE BIG ANSWER REMAINS, AND THE BIG ANSWER REMAINS,
"I DUNNO."
TRUMP HAS TWEETED HE DOESN'T WANT MUELLER TO TESTIFY, WHILE
ATTORNEY GENERAL BILL BARR HAS INDICATED REPEATEDLY THAT HE
WOULD ALLOW MUELLER TO TESTIFY.
AND THAT'S IMPORTANT, BECAUSE AS THE HEAD OF THE JUSTICE
DEPARTMENT AND MUELLER'S BOSS, BARR COULD ATTEMPT TO BLOCK
THE TESTIMONY IF HE CHOOSES.
OKAY, HE CAN DO THAT.
JUST LIKE HOW, AS A CBS EMPLOYEE, MY BOSSES CAN BLOCK ME
FROM GOING ON "NAKED AND A AFRAID, EVEN THOUGH-- EVEN
THOUGH, I AM BOTH OF THOSE THINGS, AT LEAST TWICE A DAY.
NOW-- OFTEN AT THE SAME TIME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OFTEN AT THE SAME TIME.
>> Jon: AT THE SAME TIME, WHY IS THAT?
OH,IA.
>> Stephe: NO WONDER TRUMP WANTS EVERYONE TO DROP THIS MUELLER
STUFF.
MOST PEOPLE IT TURNS OUT DON'T BELIEVE HE WAS "TOTALLY AND
COMPLETELY EXONERATED."
IN FACT, JUST 50% OF FOX NEWS VIEWERS BUY TRUMP'S CLAIM THE
MUELLER REPORT CLEARED HIM.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO BELIEVE THE PRESIDENT.
THAT'S AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS FOR FOX VIEWERS.
AND THAT DEEP UNCERTAINTY HAS STARTED SHOWING UP IN ADS LIKE,
"I'M NOT EVEN SURE THIS IS MY PILLOW."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT-- "HAVE YOU CHEATED ON ME!
HAVE YOU CHEATED ON ME!" BUT IT'S NOT JUST MUELLER.
TRUMP REFUSES TO COOPERATE WITH CONGRESS ON ANYTHING.
FOR INSTANCE, LAST NIGHT, WE GOT A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT FROM TREASURY
SECRETARY AND MAN TRYING TO DARTH VADER-STRANGLE A REPORTER,
STEVE MNUCHIN.
LAST NIGHT, MNUCHIN REJECTED HOUSE DEMOCRATS' DEMAND TO HAND
OVER TRUMP'S TAX RETURNS.
( AS MNUCHIN )
WHEN YOU PRY THEM FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS.
RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE JUST COLD."
( LAUGHTER )
TO TESTIFY.
WE CAN'T SEE McGAHN'S NOTES.
WE CAN'T SEE TRUMP'S TAXES.
SO FAR, THE ONLY THING TRUMP'S NOT COVERING UP IS JUST AROUND
HIS EYES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SURE, SURE.
THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON.
( AS TRUMP )
BUT MY FACE IS UNDER AUDIT."
( LAUGHTER )
RETURNS UNDER A 1924 LAW STIPULATING THAT THE SECRETARY
"SHALL FURNISH" SUCH RECORDS TO CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEES.
"SHALL."
YOU KNOW IT'S IMPORTANT WHEN YOU SAY "SHALL."
ONLY GOD USE "SHALL," OKAY.
"SHALL" RARELY SEEN OUTSIDE OF STONE TABLETS.
BUT MNUCHIN CLAIMED THE REQUEST "LACKS A LEGITIMATE LEGISLATIVE
PURPOSE."
WELL, THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO.
HE STOPS IT.
CONGRESS WANTS IT, THEY'VE GOT THE LAW, AND IT DOESN'T HAPPEN
BECAUSE IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE CONSTITUTION:
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"NO, NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE IT."
( LAUGHTER )
DEPARTMENT IS, THEREFORE, NOT AUTHORIZED TO DISCLOSE THE
REQUESTED RETURNS."
AGAIN, THIS IS CONGRESS' JOB TO DECIDE, NOT MNUCHIN'S.
THERE'S A REASON TRIALS DON'T END WITH THE JUDGE ASKING FOR A
VERDICT FROM THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY.
"YOUR HONOR, I MAY JUST BE A SIMPLE COUNTRY LAWYER, BUT I
FIND MY CLIENT NOT GUILTY-- OBJECTION!
SUSTAINED!
BAILIFF, LOCK UP THE JUDGE!
NO, YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER."
"DO YOUR DUTY."
SO TRUMP WON'T GIVE THE COEQUAL BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT, CONGRESS,
ANY OF THE THINGS THAT THEY HAVE SUBPOENAED.
WHAT CAN THE DEMOCRATS DO ABOUT THAT?
WELL, ONE SOLUTION IS TO IMPEACH TRUMP, BUT THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT
HE WANTS, ACCORDING TO THE PERSON WHO COULD MAKE THAT
HAPPEN.
>> TRUMP IS GOADING US TO IMPEACH HIM.
THAT'S WHAT HE'S DOING.
EVERY SINGLE DAY, HE'S JUST, LIKE, TAUNTING, TAUNTING,
TAUNTING.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "HEY, FANCY NANCY.
( LAUGHTER )
IS GROSSY PELOSI TOO SCARED TO MAKE A SPEECHY ABOUT IMPEACHY?
NANNY, NANNY, BOO-BOO.
YOU WON'T DEFEND THE CONSTI-TOO-TOO.
BAWK, BAWK, BAWK, BAWK, BAWK, BAWK."