>> Stephen: THERE ARE TIMES I LOVE TO DO THIS SHOW.
I GET TO TALK TO RINGO STARR TONIGHT.
THAT ONE.
PEACE AND LOVE, RINGO!
SOMETIMES CALLED THE FIFTH BEETLE.
WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT AND I AM FEELING PRETTY DARN
GOOD.
NOT JUST THE RINGO THING BUT IT'S BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN THE LAST YEAR I FEEL LIKE THE GLASS IS HALF FULL.
IT'S PRETTY SURE THAT'S WATER, DOESN'T SMELL LIKE BLEACH.
BECAUSE AFTER A YEAR OF RELENTLESS DARK NEWS ABOUT THE
PANDEMIC, THERE MAY FINALLY BE SOME LIGHT AT THE END OF THE
TUNNEL.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY NEWLY-UPDATED SEGMENT: "CATCH
-- I'LL INFECT YOU, MY PRETTY AND YOUR LITTLE DOGS!
T-- AHHH! I'M MELTING.
>> Stephen: HEY, DON'T COMPLAIN TO ME!
COMPLAIN TO THE PROP DEPARTMENT.
THEY KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WITH THIS WHEN THEY GIVE IT TO
ME.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I'M NOT THE ONE YOU NEED TO TALK TO.
QUICK MESSAGE TO PROPS.
>> STEPHEN: THIS WEEKEND, WE REACHED A VERY EXCITING
MILESTONE: THE UNITED STATES HAS NOW ADMINISTERED OVER
100 MILLION DOSES OF COVID-19 VACCINE, MEANING, ALMOST 20% OF
THE TOTAL POPULATION HAVE GOTTEN AT LEAST ONE DOSE.
OKAY, 20%, THAT'S ONE FIFTH.
SO, NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN A GROUP OF FIVE PEOPLE, LOOK AROUND AND
SAY TO YOURSELF, "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING IN A GROUP OF FIVE
PEOPLE?
I HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY SHOT YET!" ONE PERSON WHO GOT THE VACCINE
THIS WEEKEND WAS 18-TIME GRAMMY-WINNING CELLIST YO-YO-MA,
WHO DIDN'T JUST GET HIS SHOT, HE BROUGHT HIS CELLO WITH HIM, AND
THEN, DURING THE 15-MINUTE OBSERVATION PERIOD, PLAYED A
SURPRISE CONCERT.
THAT'S LOVELY, BUT HOW MUCH OF A SURPRISE IS IT WHEN YO-YO MA
PLAYS THE CELLO?
"OH, MY GOSH, YO-YO, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE IN THAT GIANT
CELLO-SHAPED CASE?
I'M GOING TO SAY A VERY VOLUPTUOUS CLARINET?
OH, IT'S A CELLO?
YES, WE WERE SURPRISED!" HERE'S A TASTE OF THE CONCERT:
("AVE MARIA") ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: UNBELIEVABLE.
PERFECTION.
TRANSPORTING.
THANK YOU, YO-YO.
WHAT A LOVELY GIFT FOR EVERYONE WAITING FOR THEIR SHOT TO TAKE
EFFECT.
I WANT TO POINT OUT, "AVE MARIA" IS
PLAYED AT A LOT OF FUNERALS.
IT'S A PANDEMIC, LET'S KEEP IT LIGHT.
IS THERE A CELLO VERSION OF "UPTOWN FUNK?"
BUT DESPITE ALL THE GOOD NEWS, THERE MAY BE TROUBLE ON THE
HORIZON, BECAUSE NEARLY 30% OF AMERICANS-- AND HALF
OF ALL REPUBLICAN MEN-- SAY THEY DO NOT INTEND TO GET ONE OF THE
VACCINES.
FIRST OF ALL, I CALL DIBS ON THEIRS.
SECOND OF ALL, WHY?
WHY, REPUBLICAN MEN?
WHY?
YOUR GUY'S TAKING CREDIT FOR THE VACCINE.
YOU'RE INSULTING HIM BY NOT GETTING JABBED.
YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK HIS "WHATEVER'S-WHERE-HIS-HEART-SHOU
LD-BE."
YESTERDAY, DR. ANTHONY FAUCI WAS ON THE FOX NEWS AND, IN AN
ATTEMPT TO GET THE FORMER PRESIDENT TO ENCOURAGE HIS
FOLLOWERS TO GET VACCINATED, HE TRIED FLAT-OUT FLATTERY:
>> HE'S A VERY WIDELY POPULAR PERSON AMONG REPUBLICANS.
IF HE CAME OUT AND SAID, "GO AND GET VACCINATED, IT'S REALLY
IMPORTANT FOR YOUR HEALTH, THE HEALTH OF YOUR FAMILY, AND THE
HEALTH OF THE COUNTRY," IT SEEMS ABSOLUTELY INEVITABLE THAT THE
VAST MAJORITY OF PEOPLE WHO ARE HIS CLOSE FOLLOWERS WOULD LISTEN
TO HIM.
HE'S SUCH A STRONGLY POPULAR PERSON.
>> STEPHEN: (AS FAUCI) "HE'S SO STRONGLY POPULAR, AND
MIGHT I ADD, VERY ATTRACTIVE.
AS AN IMMUNOLOGIST, I'D SAY HE'S CONTAGIOUSLY SEXY, AND I
DIAGNOSE HIM WITH ONE FINE ANTI-BODY.
JUST LOOKING AT HIM, I RUN A FEVER OF 100-AND-DAMN!
IS IT WORKING?
IS HE ACTING RESPONSIBLE YET?
HUBBA HUBBA."
"TEAR ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT BUT NOT HIS HAIR BECAUSE THAT HAIR
IS REAL."
BUT TO GET EVERYONE THEIR SHOTS, WE NEED LEADERSHIP IN EVERY PART
OF THE COMMUNITY.
WHICH IS WHY THOUSANDS OF CLERGY MEMBERS FROM A CROSS SECTION OF
FAITHS-- IMAMS, RABBIS, PRIESTS, AND SWAMIS-- ARE TRYING TO COAX
THE HESITANT TO GET VACCINATED AGAINST COVID-19.
REMINDS ME OF THAT JOKE: A PRIEST, A RABBI, AN IMAM AND A
SWAMI WALK INTO A BAR-- AND IT'S OKAY 'CAUSE THEY ALL GOT
VACCINATED!
AT ONE EVANGELICAL CHURCH IN FLORIDA, THE REVEREND ENCOURAGES
HIS CONGREGATION BY REMINDING THEM THAT OUR TRADITION IS RICH
WITH CHRIST THE HEALER.
YES, AND REMEMBER, CHRIST IS SCHEDULED TO COME BACK FOR A
SECOND DOSE ON A CLOUD OF GLORY.
FOR CATHOLICS, POPE FRANCIS DECLARED THAT CORONAVIRUS SHOTS
ARE "MORALLY ACCEPTABLE."
AND WHEN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH DESCRIBES SOMETHING AS MORALLY
ACCEPTABLE, THERE'S A CHANCE THAT IT IS.
THE POINT IS, IF EVERYONE GETS VACCINATED, WE CAN MAKE IT
THROUGH THIS PANDEMIC IN JUST A FEW MONTHS, AS LONG AS AMERICANS
DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID-- AND WE'RE DOOMED, 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
TO PASS WHAT'S KNOWN AS "THE MARSHMALLOW TEST."
BACK IN THE EARLY '70S, A STANFORD RESEARCHER RAN A TEST
WITH A GROUP OF 600 PRESCHOOLERS.
HE WOULD GIVE EACH CHILD A MARSHMALLOW AND GIVE THEM THE
OPTION OF EATING IT IMMEDIATELY IF THEY CHOSE.
BUT IF THEY COULD WAIT 15 MINUTES, THEY WOULD GET A SECOND
MARSHMALLOW AS A REWARD.
THAT STORY MAKES ME SO HUNGRY.
ANYWAY -- ANYWAY -- ABOUT A THIRD -- STOP WHAT?
IT'S A MARSHMALLOW, YOU BABY.
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN HERE.
>> Stephen: OH, DON'T DO ANYTHING SILLY.
IT'S A COMEDY SHOW!
( LAUGHTER ) ANYWAY --
ANYWAY, ABOUT A THIRD OF THE KIDS WAITED TO GET THE SECOND
MARSHMALLOW, AND THE RESEARCHER FOUND THAT, YEARS LATER, THEY
HAD BETTER OUTCOMES IN LIFE, THANKS TO THEIR ABILITY TO DELAY
GRATIFICATION.
SIMILARLY, IF WE CAN DELAY THE GRATIFICATION OF GOING OUT FOR
JUST A FEW MORE WEEKS WHILE EVERYONE GETS VACCINATED, WE
CAN-- >> SPRING BREAKERS TOUCHING DOWN
IN THE SUNSHINE STATE.
FROM FORT LAUDERDALE TO MIAMI BEACH, SOUTH FLORIDA BARS
AND RESTAURANTS PACKED WITH PEOPLE.
>> STEPHEN: FLORIDA!
I KNOW WHAT IT'S GOING TO SAY ON OUR NATION'S TOMBSTONE:
"AMERICA 1776-2021.
DESTROYED BY OUR BIGGEST DICK."
ONE SPRING BREAKER EXPLAINED "GRANNY SHOULDN'T BE OUT HERE
ANYWAYS.
IT'S TOO MANY PEOPLE."
NO, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SHOULDN'T BE OUT THERE.
GRANNY'S VACCINATED.
THOSE BARS OUGHT TO BE DOING OPPOSITE CARDING.
"YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOU'RE 75.
START HUMMING YOUR FAVORITE PERRY COMO SONG OR I'M CALLING
THE COPS."
♪ CATCH A FALLING STAR AND PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET ♪
SO, CLEARLY, WHEN IT COMES TO COVID, AMERICA IS FAILING THE
MARSHMALLOW TEST.
AND THAT'S EMBARRASSING, ESPECIALLY GIVEN THE FACT THAT
THIS MONTH, SCIENTISTS ANNOUNCED THAT CUTTLEFISH-- SQUID-- CAN
PASS THE MARSHMALLOW TEST.
CUTTLEFISH ARE SHOWING MORE RESTRAINT THAN HUMANS.
AT THIS POINT, WE SHOULD JUST BATTER AND FRY OURSELVES.
WELL, CHARLTON HESTON TRIED TO WARN US.
>> YOU MANIACS!
YOU ATE ALL THE MARSHMALLOWS!
DAMN YOU, FLORIDA!
GOSH DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
>> Stephen: I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT JOKE AT ALL.
I LOVE IT.
I LOVE HESTON.
I LOVE THE CUTTLEFISH.
IT'S STUPID.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THE CUTTLEFISH IS LADY LIBERTY IN
THIS ONE.
CAN EITHER OF YOU EXPLAIN IT?
>> IT'S A METAPHOR.
>> Stephen: FOR WHAT?
AMERICA.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: THERE'S ANOTHER
THING PUTTING A SPRING IN MY STEP, AND THAT'S MUSIC!
LAST NIGHT WAS THE 63RD ANNUAL GRAMMY AWARDS, HOSTED BY MY
FRIEND AND PARAMOUNT+ COLLEAGUE, TREVOR NOAH!
TREVOR KNOCKED IT OUT OF THE ARENA --
IN THAT HE WAS OUT OF THE ARENA, BECAUSE IT WAS THE FIRST TIME
THE GRAMMYS TOOK PLACE OUTDOORS.
WHICH WORKED OUT GREAT EXCEPT FOR WHEN BRUNO MARS WAS CARRIED
OFF BY A HAWK.
THOUGHT IT WAS A RABBITT.
EAGLE THOUGHT IT WAS A RABBITT.
HE'S A TINY MAN.
THIS YEAR, FEMALE ARTISTS WON BIG.
ESPECIALLY BEYONCE, WHO WENT IN WITH NINE NOMINATIONS-- THE MOST
OF THE NIGHT-- AND BY THE END OF THE EVENING, BROKE THE RECORD
FOR THE MOST GRAMMYS WON BY A WOMAN, AND ANY SINGER, MALE OR
FEMALE, WITH 28.
HOPEFULLY, SHE FINALLY GOT ONE WHERE THE LITTLE RECORD PLAYER
ACTUALLY WORKS.
I WON THIS A COUPLE YEARS BACK, AND THE SOUND QUALITY IS
TERRIBLE.
I CAN'T GET IT TO PAIR WITH MY EAR BUDS.
WHAT'S THAT?
OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE ONLY SUPPOSED TO SHOW ONE
WAY.
IT'S TRUE.
I'M GOING TO GET A LETTER.
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE LETTER FROM THE ACADEMY FOR
DOING THIS.
WHAT?
HIDEOUS.
BEAUTIFUL.
HIDEOUS.
BEAUTIFUL.
COME AT ME.
IT WAS ALSO A BIG NIGHT FOR TAYLOR SWIFT, OR T-SWIZZLE AS I
CALL HER, DESPITE THE COURT ORDER, WHO BECAME THE FIRST
WOMAN TO WIN ALBUM OF THE YEAR THREE TIMES.
NOT ONLY THAT, HER LIVE PERFORMANCE WON THE AWARD FOR
MOST MOSS.
HONESTLY, AFTER A YEAR OF NOT MOVING AT ALL, I CAN RELATE.
MY DEAR FRIEND MEGHAN THEE STALLION ALSO HAD A LOT TO
CELEBRATE.
SHE BECAME THE FIRST FEMALE RAPPER TO BE NAMED BEST NEW
ARTIST SINCE 1999, AND PUT ON A SCORCHING PERFORMANCE OF "WAP"
WITH CARDI B.
IT WAS SO HOT, MEGHAN HAD TO TELL US HOW TO PUT OUT THE FIRE.
>> ♪ NOW MAKE IT RAIN IF YOU WANNA SEE SOME WET-WET-WET ♪
>> STEPHEN: OF COURSE, SINCE IT WAS CBS, LAST NIGHT, "WAP"
STOOD FOR "WATCH 'ABISHOLA' AND 'PICARD.'"
HEY, SPEAKING OF RISQUE, HARRY STYLES MADE HIS OWN FASHION
STATEMENT WITH A COUPLE OF FEATHER BOAS AND THIS $450 GUCCI
BANANA PENIS NECKLACE, THAT -- SLIGHTLY BLURRED HERE -- THAT
IMMEDIATELY SOLD OUT ONLINE.
SO, IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO BUY A PHALLIC BANANA, I'M AFRAID
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SETTLE FOR A BANANA.
NOW, I LOVE HARRY STYLES-- WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON, ONE
IMAGINES-- BUT I HAVE TO WONDER, WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE WAS HE
TRYING TO SEND WITH THAT CHOICE OF PENILE FRUIT JEWELRY?
WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET FROM IT?
THAT HIS MEMBER IS PERFECTLY RIPE WHEN IT DEVELOPS LIGHT
BROWN SPOTS?
THAT HIS PENIS IS A SURPRISING SOURCE OF POTASSIUM AND HE
RECOMMENDS SERVING HIS PENIS SLICED UP ON RICE KRISPIES?
THAT I CAN MAKE BREAD WITH HARRY STYLES' PENIS?
ALSO, DOES ONE HAVE TO PEEL HIS PENIS?
BEFORE YOU ENJOY IT?
WE MAY NEVER KNOW.
BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY TO GET YOUR HANDS ON HARRY STYLES'
BANANA PENIS-- NECKLACE.
IT'S SOLD OUT.
THIS LEAVES A SPRAWLING GAP IN THE MARKET FOR OTHER
ANATOMICALLY CORRECT FOOD ACCESSORIES-- WHICH "A LATE
SHOW" IS PROUD TO EXCLUSIVELY OFFER TONIGHT.
LIKE THIS STUNNING STERLING SILVER PEAR SCROTUM.
OR BEDECK YOUR EARS WITH THESE GORGEOUS PINEAPPLE
VAGINAS.
OR A BEAUTIFUL STATEMENT RING.
THE STATEMENT: THIS TURNIP LOOKS LIKE A BUTT.
IT PAIRS BEAUTIFULLY WITH OUR ONE-OF-A-KIND EMERALD AVOCADO
TAINT.
OOH, AND I'M BEING TOLD THAT ALL OF THESE PIECES ARE SOLD OUT.
SUCH A SHAME.
ALL THE PROCEEDS WERE GOING TO GO TO A CHARITY TO HELP PEOPLE
INJURED WHILE SLIPPING ON HARRY STYLES' BANANA PENIS.
I WROTE THAT JOKE AND I DIDN'T SEE IT COMING.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
RINGO STARR IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I TAKE A LOOK AT A YEAR WITHOUT BROADWAY.
STICK AROUND.
♪♪♪