Who's actually running the country?
It seems like every week,
someone new has grabbed the wheel.
That's why here at
we're keeping close track of who is currently,
at this very moment the real president.
♪ ♪
(cheers and applause)
Let's look at the current standings.
All right, on our very scientific
tracking board over here.
-We paid a lot of money for this. -(laughter)
As you can see, Donald Trump,
despite being the official president--
-he's fallen down to number seven. -(laughter)
Yes, after spending a few days lost in the Rose Garden.
Horrible time for him.
While debuting on the list at number five is Trump's Siri.
Yes, yes, yes.
Donald Trump's phone, you know, has Siri,
and he recently asked questions such as...
(as Trump): "Siri, can I fire Germany?"
And "Siri, where did Ben Franklin hide his secret gold?"
But let's see who's at the top
of this week's real president rankings.
At number three, we've got...
Oh, Mike Pence. Look at that.
Yeah, Mike Pence has never been this high.
-(laughter) -Except for...
Except for that time he got a contact high
while protesting a Wiz Khalifa concert.
-(laughter) -At number two, let's see who we've got.
We've got...
-Oh. -(laughter)
Mike Pence's wife!
Yeah, you see, it's because he wasn't allowed
-to appear on this list without her. -(laughter)
But the number one spot, and effectively the current
real president of the United States is...
(drum roll)
-("Hail to the Chief" plays) -Jared Kushner!
Yay!
All right, Jared Kushner, at just 36 years old,
is already a senior advisor in the Trump White House.
Until recently, he was the head
of a powerful New York real estate empire.
And just to make you feel extra bad, here are his abs.
-(laughter) -Yeah. Overachiever.
But most importantly,
Jared Kushner is Donald Trump's son-in-law
and husband to Ivanka Trump.
And I bet when they were getting married back in 2009,
Jared probably never expected it would lead to a job
in high-stakes international diplomacy.
Tonight, President Trump's son-in-law Jared Kushner
is at the center of another high profile diplomatic mission:
meeting with the Iraqi prime minister in Baghdad.
The president's son-in-law and senior advisor
met with the Iraqi prime minister
to discuss the fight against ISIS
and get a first-hand look at the situation on the ground.
Wait, he has to fight ISIS?
I mean, it's crazy, but to be fair,
maybe this isn't the worst idea, you know?
If anyone could drive ISIS crazy,
it's a New York landlord. That's who.
Yeah. Yeah.
"You're saying if we want to move into Iraq,
"we have to pay a broker's fee?
"Forget it. Forget it.
"All you did was open the door. You just opened the door.
Five percent? Five percent?"
(screams)
Now, overseeing the fight against ISIS
would be big job for anyone, but Kushner...
He wouldn't reach the number one spot
in our real president standings
if that were his only responsibility.
He's been planning this week's visit
of the Chinese president to Mar-a-Lago,
and he's also tasked with brokering peace
in the Middle East.
Oh, so...
Is that all?
I like how they... I like how they just slid
"peace in the Middle East" in there.
Yeah, as an afterthought, you know. Like Trump said,
(imitating Trump): "Hey, plan me a party
"for me and the Chinese president,
and, uh, also create peace in the Middle East."
And he's like, "What? That's insane. I don't even know
what your favorite color balloons are, man."
So, defeating ISIS,
bringing peace to the Middle East.
That's a lot of responsibility,
but maybe-- just maybe-- Jared Kushner has a shot
if he focuses on nothing else.
And the president tapping his son-in-law
to reform the criminal justice system,
not to mention he's running
the new Office of American Innovation,
where he's responsible for reforming veteran care,
tackling the opioid epidemic
and overseeing the not-so-small feat
of revamping the entire federal government.
That's all. That's all.
-(cheers and applause) -That's all.
Wow.
Trump is giving Jared Kushner so much to do.
Like... And here you were bitching
about your father-in-law asking you to set up the Wi-Fi.
Yeah. From now on, you'll be like, "I'm glad.
I am so glad."
That is so much stuff
that there is no way
Kushner isn't going to get it all mixed up.
Like, I predict he's just going to start messing the things up.
You know? He'll be like, "Uh, Mr. President,
"oh, I sent the black people to Iraq,
"and, uh, I've imprisoned all of our veterans,
"and, uh, I injected the Chinese president with opium,
"and, oh, and ISIS is coming to Mar-a-Lago.
It's all mixed up."
So, to sum it up,
the man in charge of pretty much everything right now
is an inexperienced 36-year-old real estate prince
whose main qualification
is being married to the president's daughter.
I don't get it.
What does Trump see in this guy?
What he lacks in experience,
he more than makes up for in trust and loyalty.
His expanding role
is something that is indicative of,
obviously, the deep level of trust
that the president puts in him.
He trusts his son-in-law.
Oh, wow, look at that.
It turns out Donald Trump has a blind trust after all.
-Oh, nice. -(laughter, groaning)
So, uh, congratulations, Jared Kushner.
By cashing in on Donald Trump's loyalty rewards program,
you, as of right now, are the real president.