( BAND PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
RIGHT THERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES.
YEAH, THERE IT IS.
THERE IT IS.
JON, YOU'RE DEFINITELY GOING TO WANT TO STICK AROUND FOR
TONIGHT'S SHOW, JON, BECAUSE WE'VE GOT TWO AMAZING GUESTS
TONIGHT.
TWO GINGERS, ACTUALLY, KENNETH BRANAGH AND ELLIE KEMPER ARE
BOTH HERE.
>> Jon: A GREAT SHOW.
>> Stephen: NOT TOGETHER BUT ARE BOTH HERE TONIGHT.
IT HASN'T DOM OUT YET BUT IS ABOUT TO, BRANAGH'S MOVIE
( RINGING BELL ) "BELFAST" IS COMING OUT.
IT'S THE MOST IRISH MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN.
HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.
FRIENDS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, COMPILING THE
MOST CURRENT GEOMETRY QUESTIONS, SPRINKLING IN A TOPICAL SET OF
DATA ANALYSES, FOLDING THEM TOGETHER AMONG THE NEWSWORTHIEST
WORD PROBLEMS, THEN PAIRING ALL OF THAT WITH THE DAY'S MOST
PRESSING READING PASSAGES TO COLLATE FOR YOU THE PERFECTLY
CALIBRATED, BESPOKE S.A.T. TEST THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I HUFF A PILE OF SALVIA AND
STAGGER INTO A LANDFILL WHERE I FORAGE FOR CRUSTY OLD SUDOKUS,
GRAB A SACKFUL OF USED AND WET MADLIBS, AND CRAZY-GLUE THEM TO
THE SPINE OF A DISCARDED "READER'S DIGEST" I FOUND IN A
BURNT-OUT WALDENBOOKS, TO PRESENT TO YOU THE ILLEGIBLE
HOBO BUZZFEED QUIZ OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE IT IS.
THAT'S A SHOT IN THE ARM.
THAT IS A SHOT IN THE ARM FOR THIS NATION.
"MEANWHILE!" -- ( LAUGHTER )
ACCORDING TO NEW RESEARCH, "IT TURNS OUT EXERCISE ISN'T AS
LIKELY TO RUIN YOUR KNEES AS YOU THINK."
WELL THEN STOP RESEARCHING!
THAT'S MY GO-TO EXCUSE.
SOMEONE SAYS "HEY, LET'S GET SOME EXERCISE," ALL YOU HAVE TO
SAY IS "CAN'T, KNEES."
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEY LEAVE YOU ON THE COUCH
CUDDLING YOUR CAN OF REDDI-WHIP.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "EATING FAT CAN LOWER
YOUR STROKE RISK, A NEW STUDY SAYS, AS LONG AS IT'S THE RIGHT
KIND."
I WILL NOT READ THE STUDY.
I WILL ASSUME IT'S CHEESECAKE, AND I WILL MOVE ON.
( LAUGHTER ) NOT VERY FAST, BECAUSE OF THE
CHEESECAKE.
AND OF COURSE, THE KNEES.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE--
FRIENDS, MOST OF THE TIME, A HEADLINE IS PRETTY EASY TO
NAVIGATE.
BUT SOMETIMES, IT'S A JOURNEY THROUGH A TERRIFYING JUNGLE OF
WORDS, CONCEPTS, AND IMAGERY, AND IT'S EASY TO GET LOST.
OUR NEXT HEADLINE IS A DOOZY.
BUT DON'T BE SCARED, WE'RE GOING TO PARSE IT TOGETHER.
SO, BUCKLE UP, BECAUSE, MEANWHILE, A "STRIPPER CALLED
'POLE ASSASSIN,' WHO HOOKED UP WITH A UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS
LONGHORNS FOOTBALL COACH SHORTLY AFTER HE LEFT HIS WIFE AND THREE
KIDS, IS DEFENDING HER EMOTIONAL SUPPORT MONKEY, AFTER IT WAS
ACCUSED OF BITING A CHILD AT A HALLOWEEN HAUNTED HOUSE."
( LAUGHTER ) EVERYONE TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
WE'RE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS.
THE KEY IS TO TAKE SMALL BITES.
I'M YOUR "MEANWHILE" MAMA BIRD, AND I'M GOING TO PRE-CHEW IT FOR
YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) FIRST, THERE IS A STRIPPER
CALLED "POLE ASSASSIN."
OBVIOUSLY A STAGE NAME.
HER REAL NAME IS "PAULA ASSASSIN-OWSKI."
( LAUGHTER ) NEXT, SHE HOOKED UP WITH THE
UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS LONGHORNS FOOTBALL COACH SHORTLY AFTER HE
LEFT HIS WIFE AND THREE KIDS.
NOT SURE WHY THIS GUY IS GETTING ROPED INTO THE STORY, UNLESS HIS
WIFE AND THREE KIDS WROTE THE HEADLINE.
STILL WITH ME?
MS. ASSASSINOWSKI HAPPENS TO HAVE AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT
MONKEY.
VERY HOT.
ALTHOUGH, MUST BE KIND OF TOUGH TO GET THE DOLLAR INTO ITS
LITTLE DIAPER.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY, LET'S KEEP MOVING OR YOUR
MUSCLES WILL TIGHTEN UP.
WE'RE ALMOST THERE.
SAID SUPPORT MONKEY "WAS ACCUSED OF BITING A CHILD."
FAIR GAME.
IT'S NOT THE KID'S EMOTIONAL SUPPORT MONKEY.
GET YOUR OWN.
( LAUGHTER ) AND ALL THIS HAPPENED AT A
HALLOWEEN HAUNTED HOUSE THAT "POLE ASSASSIN" SET UP IN HER
YARD.
I BET IT'S POPULAR IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) "HEY, KIDS YOU WANT TO TRICK OR
TREAT AT THE CHURCH BASEMENT, OR THE MONKEY-OWNING STRIPPER'S
HOUSE?" ( LAUGHTER )
NOW THAT YOU UNDERSTAND ALL THE ELEMENTS OF THAT HEADLINE, LET'S
GO BACK THROUGH IT ONE MORE TIME.
"A STRIPPER CALLED 'POLE ASSASSIN,' WHO HOOKED UP WITH A
UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS LONGHORNS FOOTBALL COACH SHORTLY AFTER HE
LEFT HIS WIFE AND THREE KIDS, IS DEFENDING HER EMOTIONAL SUPPORT
MONKEY AFTER IT WAS ACCUSED OF BITING A CHILD AT A HALLOWEEN
HAUNTED HOUSE."
NOW THAT YOU'VE GOT IT, I'M SURE YOU'RE SAYING, "STEVE,
THAT ALL MAKES SENSE.
BUT IS THE MONKEY OKAY?" ( LAUGHTER )
YES, THEY GOT HIM AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT STRIPPER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, THE "SONIC THE HEDGEHOG" SEQUEL IS IN
PRODUCTION, AND IDRIS ELBA WILL PLAY SONIC'S FRIEND KNUCKLES,
THE ECHIDNA, IN THE NEW MOVIE.
THE MOVIE'S CALLED "SONIC THE HEDGEHOG 2," BUT IDRIS CALLS IT
"SECOND HOUSE."
FANS WERE IMMEDIATELY EXCITED TO SEE IF "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE'S
SEXIEST MAN ALIVE 2018 WOULD BRING THE SEXY TO THE ROLE, BUT
ALL HOPES WERE DASHED WHEN WE FOUND OUT THAT "IDRIS ELBA'S
KNUCKLES WILL NOT BE 'SEXY'," AND ELBA INSISTED,
"CONTRACTUALLY, I CANNOT SAY ANYTHING.
BUT I WOULDN'T SAY HE WAS SEXY.
I DON'T THINK I'M GOING FOR THAT."
OKAY, BUT HERE'S THE THING: WHEN YOU'RE IDRIS ELBA, IT
DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU'RE GOING FOR.
IT'S GOING TO BE SEXY!
OKAY, NOT THAT.
NOT THAT ONE.
IGNORE -- IGNORE THE LAST ONE.
A LITTLE BIT.
A LITTLE SEXY.
WELL, IF ELBA'S KNUCKLES ISN'T GOING TO BE SEXY, THAT JUST
MEANS THERE'S ROOM FOR SOME LAZY PRODUCER TO SWOOP IN AND SLAP
TOGETHER THE SEXY KNUCKLES MOVIE THE PEOPLE SO CLEARLY WANT.
AND I'M JUST LAZY ENOUGH TO SLAP IT.
JIM?
>> COMING SOON -- HE'S SO STRONG!
THE HERO WE NEED.
SO HOT!
TO HAVE SEX WITH.
LADIES!
PLEASE!
THERE'S ENOUGH KNUCKLES TO GO AROUND!
( LAUGHTER ) NO, REALLY, I'M AN ACHIDNA.
I HAVE FOUR PENISES.
>> THAT'S REAL.
LOOK IT UP.
SEXY KNUCKLES COMING SOON.
>> PRETTY MESSED UP, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KENNETH BRANAGH.
( BAND PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )