Hey guys, this is Clay with relationshipinnergame.com, today we're talking about the no contact rule
and Christmas, the no contact when the holidays and I'm going to try to film this video again.
I was just down at the water trying to film this video, when some guys next to me started
like washing a boat with a hose and it was just like, okay, this is not gonna work, this
is too much background noise.
So I'm here at the park, it appears to be park maintenance day.
They have a guy walking around the edge of the park with a leaf blower, so I hope that's
not making too much noise but let's go ahead and get into this.
So a Thanksgiving's over, we had a pretty good thanksgiving.
It was our first time hosting, our family this year, so it was a lot of work, a lot
of stress as we had to, you know, keep cleaning up the house every night after everybody went
home and all that stuff.
But yeah, now we are officially in the holiday season and I made a video last time on the
holiday expectation effect.
If you missed that, you can go ahead and catch it over here.
I'll put a card to it, a very highly recommended watching so you understand what's going on
over the next couple of weeks.
But, I want to build off of that and talk about no contact and Christmas, no contact
and the holidays.
So I'm going to be honest and say that most people probably would not be doing themselves
a disservice if they just had no contact through the holiday season.
That is because of the holiday expectation effect.
And also because a lot of people could very easily slip into damage control mode during
the holiday season either because they're not where they want to be in life or because
they are just worried about maybe their exes rebound relationship and they're worried that,
oh, if they spend Christmas together, is that going to cement the relationship in place?
And suddenly it's going to become a, you know, a real relationship.
And all kinds of thoughts like that.
And so because of this, no contact is probably not a bad idea for most people.
It doesn't mean that you necessarily need to do no contact, but for most people it's
probably not a bad idea.
I'm now no contact is not a magic cure all.
I know a lot of people, you know, from me reading the comments on these videos, I know
that a lot of people seem to think that whenever something happens, you should just retreat
into no contact and that's not necessarily the best advice.
Sure, no contact will keep you from doing dumb things like begging, pleading, pouring
your heart out, making grand romantic gestures or something like that, but simply not doing
dumb things is not going to get you and your ex back together.
Eventually your ex and your going to get back together because interacting with you feels
good and you're giving them a bright and optimistic future for them to step into.
And simply the lack of mistakes is not necessarily a bright and compelling future for them to
step into.
But more on that later.
So if you're going to do no contact during the holiday, okay, so first of all, you want
to dig deep, look at yourself.
Are you in damage control mode?
Are you falling prey to the holiday expectation effect?
If you are in this place, then yes, doing no contact is probably good advice for you.
Okay?
next you, you, again, you got to be honest with yourself.
You have to really look and say, okay, am I teetering on the edge of damage control
mode?
Am I really kind of worried about the holiday thing?
Am I, am I caught up in the holiday expectation effect?
If that is the case, then again, be honest with yourself.
Go ahead and do no contact.
If you're past damage control mode, if you are pretty grounded in your own emotional
wellbeing, if finding out something like, oh, hey, my ex is going to rebound relationship,
or hey, they're going on a ski trip to such and such a place and it's gonna be really
romantic and they're going to sit around the fire sipping a apple cider or something like
that.
If that's not going to send you spiraling into panic, then you know, maybe you don't
need to be in damage control mode, but, this is a dangerous time, the holiday season, and
you would not be necessarily making a poor choice by being a no contact most people.
So with that being said, if you are going to do no contact, there's a couple considerations.
First of all, do you get your ex gift for Christmas?
Do you contact your ex on Christmas?
Do you, send your ex, some sort of greeting card for Christmas or whatever holiday might
be, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, whatever.
I don't know.
Does anyone actually celebrate Kwanzaa?
I've never actually met a person in real life that celebrates Kwanzaa, which ultimately,
but I don't know.
I guess people celebrate it out there, but anyway, You got to, when it comes to these
things, you got to look at your intention.
If your intention is wrapped up in the holiday expectation effect, then getting your ex a
gift, contacting them on the holiday.
I'm sending them a card.
It's probably not a good idea.
You know, if your intention is I'm going to get this gift, they're going to get it from
me, they're going to think, oh wow, this is an amazing present.
Thank you so much.
This has melted my heart.
I suddenly feel love for you again, what's kiss under the mistletoe and what the credits
roll with the fuel, good Christmas music in the background, and then that's the holiday
expectation effect and it's probably not a good idea to go ahead and give that gift or
sending that card or make that phone call or whatever it might be because it's coming
with strings attached, right?
You're giving the gift and it's coming with strings attached.
If you'll get the gift, you'll suddenly want to be in contact with me again.
You'll suddenly fall in love with me again and it's going to erase all of the bad emotions
that we have and it's not to say that that can't happen, it's just from working with
people over several years and seeing this holiday season play out several times.
I know that it's unlikely to happen and it will often backfire and you'll be left with
dashed expectations and you'll be in a pretty lousy emotional place and you may actually
end up spiraling into damage control mode and doing some harm to the emotional connection
between you and your ex.
So be careful of that.
When it comes to the other side of that equation, you know, your ex may contact you on Christmas,
your ex may send you a card, your ex may even give you a gift and if that's the case and
you are doing no contact.
You want to respect your ex and say, you know, hey, I got your gift.
That was nice.
I got you a car.
That was nice.
Thanks for contacting me that those really thoughtful of you.
Whatever it may be, but you also want to respect the fact that you were doing no contact.
Now this is all based within the framework of my approach to no contact, active, no contact.
I'll go ahead and link off to a playlist about that over there.
If you are new to me or my teachings are, this is somehow the first video of mine that
you've stumbled across, you can go ahead and learn about my approach to no contact, active,
no contact, how it's different from other forms of no contact, et cetera.
But the main thing is that you want to do no contact if interacting with you is not
bringing you and your ex closer together.
If every time you interact it's feeling bad is causing the two of you to repel each other
and push each other away and it's doing more harm than good.
That is really the reason why you would do no contact.
Okay?
So if your ex is sending you some sort of gift card message of some sort and during
no contact, you need to respect the fact that you are in no contact and that you are hopefully
focusing on the advanced relational skills.
Hopefully focusing on improving your ability to connect with other people.
Hopefully focusing on a correcting whatever caused the two of you to break up in the first
place.
And if that's the case in your ex contacts you during the Christmas or holiday season,
then you probably are not completely ready to be in contact with them.
If you were completely ready to be in contact with them, you would be making the first move
and restoring contact.
And so if they do contact you, you want to acknowledge it, but you also want to acknowledge
that you are not in a place emotionally where you're ready to be in contact with them.
So you might say something like, thank you for contacting me.
Thank you for sending this to me.
Thank you for the wonderful gift.
I really appreciate it.
And at the same time, I still don't feel completely ready to be in contact with you right now.
So, if you can just give me a little bit of time, I promise all, I'll get back in touch
with you once I'm ready.
And once we can actually interact with each other without me kind of being all over the
map, I promise you I'll reach out to you.
When that happens.
And you know, you're, you're acknowledging where you're at, you're acknowledging the
fact that they did a nice gesture and you can create that opportunity for restoring
contact.
You know, maybe once the holidays are over, maybe after the new year, maybe whenever you
are emotionally ready to do that.
Okay.
So that, is pretty much your no contact guide to Christmas and the holidays.
I'll probably be making another one of these videos on a specifically contacting your ex
on Christmas.
Maybe I'll do that next week or whatever I can find a good environment to record in because
although they're not washing a boat here, I'm pretty sure you can hear the leaf blower.
I'm pretty sure you can hear a gaggle of children that just arrived at the playground here.
And I'm pretty sure you can hear the construction sounds from the construction site next door
I live in.
I'm working in a very noisy neighborhood.
So I hope I can get my situation figured out here in the next couple of weeks because it's
kind of hard to make.
I mean, that should head back to the library like I was at last time.
Anyways.
It's been Clay with www.ModernLove.Life.
This has been relationshipinnergame.com and there's gonna be some other cool things for
you to check out around me on the screen right now.
You can go ahead and click on those, but otherwise I'll talk to you next time.
Take care.