- Donald Trump said that if he fought Joe Biden,
Joe Biden would go down fast and hard.
(audience laughs and claps)
I wanna get in his ear, I'm, like,
let's make this happen, bro.
(audience laughs)
This is a lot, there's money on the table.
I'll commentate for free.
(audience laughs)
No rules, grow your nails out, wear a diaper, no clothes.
(audience laughs)
To the death, fuck it.
(audience laughs)
Just bring this thing totally down.
It seems like every day you turn on the news,
more and more crazy shit.
It's, like, when are we gonna realize
we shouldn't have a fucking president?
It's a ridiculous idea to have a popularity contest,
see who controls everything.
(audience laughs)
Cause if you go back in time,
and grab Thomas Jefferson, and bring him to 2018,
his first question would be,
you guys didn't write any new shit?
(audience laughs and claps)
Dude, I wrote that with a feather.
(audience laughs)
I did it by fire.
That's the only way I could see what I was writing.
(audience laughs)
You lazy fucks.
(audience laughs)
You guys have phones in your pocket and spaceships.
(audience laughs)
But the wisdom of the scrolls shall not be adjusted.
What the fuck does that even mean?
Who told you that?
Who told you that, bro?
(audience laughs)
We always like to say the long, great history
of the United States.
Listen, that's not real.
The United States was founded in 1776.
People live to be 100.
That's three people ago.
(audience laughs)
You're, like, is he right?
Yeah.
The Fear Factor guy just hit you with a fucking math quiz.
(audience laughs and cheers)
Three people ago.
(audience laughs and cheers)
Listen to me, you're not gonna get this from teachers.
We used to be monkeys and we found mushrooms,
and now we're different.
And it's real, real, recent.
(audience laughs and claps)
No one knows what's going on.
Three people ago, slave owners made boats out of trees
and used the power of the wind
and drift across the ocean.
Didn't have a YouTube video to watch first,
they didn't talk to a travel agent.
(audience laughs)
You know what they had?
They had a drawing.
Some guy went there and drew it.
(audience laughs)
Like, are you sure that's what you saw?
That's what I saw.
You callin' me a liar?
And they had a gun fight in the dirt streets.
They were fucking savages just three people ago.
They took their baby and jumped on a boat,
and floated across the fucking ocean with their kids.
(audience laughs)
Animals.
That's us.
(audience laughs)
It just happened, real recent.
(audience laughs)
I just never saw Trump coming.
Well, you don't pay attention to trends.
We have a very clear trend in this country.
We try one person as president,
and the next person has to be completely opposite.
Cause no one can do the job correctly.
So, we let someone try it
and we're, like, he fucked it up.
We go with this guy who's totally different,
who's got our interest in mind.
And we always do the same thing.
We go right, left, dumb, smart.
We give everybody a chance.
(audience laughs)
We go, Clinton, Bush, and then we go Bush, Obama,
Obama, Trump.
We just got out of a long-term relationship
with a very boring but sensible person
and now we're datin' a whore.
(audience laughs and claps)
All right?
(audience laughs and cheers)
She's got fake hair, she's racist,
(audience laughs)
she's always lyin'.
We don't care.
(audience laughs)
We're not trying to start a family.
We just wanna run red lights and fuck.
(audience laughs)
All right?
(audience laughs and claps)
For real, we don't know what we're doing.
If this country was a person, we'd be on coke,
driving a yellow Corvette,
(audience laughs)
singing Motley Crue songs in front of our ex's house.
(audience laughs)
We're going crazy.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat instrumental music)