[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> SO THIS MORNING WERE
TALKING ABOUT LOVE AND
COMMITMENT WITHOUT MONOGAMY.
SHORTLY WERE GOING TO MEET A
MARRIED COUPLE WHO EACH HAVE A
LONG-TERM LOVER.
LONG-TERM LOVER.
ALL FOUR OF THEM ARE FRIENDS. WERE ALSO GOING TO SPEAK WITH A
WOMAN WHO TRIED AN OPEN MARRIAGE
WITH HER HUSBAND BUT IT DID NOT
TURN OUT SO WELL.
BUT FIRST, OUR MONOGAMISH
RELATIONSHIPS ON THE RISE?
DR. TERRY CONLEY IS AN ASSOCIATE
PROFESSOR OF PSYCHOLOGY AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN. AT THE
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN. SHE HAS STUDIED SEXUALITY FOR
THE PAST SEVEN YEARS AND HER
FINDINGS MAY ASTOUND YOU.
DR. STEVEN SNYDER IS A PROFESSOR
OF PSYCHIATRY AT MT. SINAI AND
THE AUTHOR OF "LOVE WORTH
MAKING."
HES GOT YEARS OF EXPERIENCE
WORKING WITH COUPLES AND
RELATIONSHIPS.
WELCOME TO YOU BOTH.
>> THANK YOU.
>> YOU SAY DONT SHOOT THE
MESSENGER BECAUSE YOUVE BEEN
STUDYING RELATIONSHIPS FOR A
LONG TIME, INCLUDING
NONMONOGAMOUS ONES.
I KNOW MONOGAMOUS COUPLES DONT
ALWAYS REACT WELL TO YOUR DATA. DATA, I SAY. WELL TO YOUR DATA.
DATA, I SAY. FIRST OF ALL, LEVELS OF
HAPPINESS, THE SAME IN A
MONOGAMOUS COUPLE VERSUS
NONMONOGAMOUS? >> YES.GAMOUS?
>> YES.
AND I WANT TO EMPHASIZE THERES NOTHING IN MY RESEARCH THATRES
NOTHING IN MY RESEARCH THAT SHOWS PEOPLE THAT ARE MONOGAMOUS
SHOULD TRY TO BE NONMONOGAMOUS
IF THEY DONT WANT TO.
BUT PEOPLE IN CONSENTUALLY
NONMONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS ARE
JUST AS HAPPY AS THOSE IN
MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS.
MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS.
>> AND IS IT TRUE THEYRE LESS
JEALOUS GENERALLY?
>> YES.
ALTHOUGH I OFTEN HEAR PEOPLE SAY
YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO BE MONOGAMOUS BECAUSE PEOPLE CANT
HANDLE JEALOUSY, WE ARE FINDING
PEOPLE IN CONSENTUALLY
NONMONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS
NONMONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS REPORT LESS JEALOUSY THAN PEOPLE
IN MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS.
>> THAT WASNT THE CASE IN OUR
OPENING GUESTS CASE BUT I GUESS
IT GOES ON A PERSON-BY-PERSON
BASIS.
BASIS.
>> PEOPLE IN CONSENTUALLY NONMONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS DO
EXPERIENCE JEALOUSY BUT THEY
LEARN TO MANAGE IT.
>> WHY WOULD THEY BE LESS
JEALOUS WHEN THEY KNOW THEIR
PARTNER IS SLEEPING WITH
SOMEBODY ELSE?
SOMEBODY ELSE?
>> THATS A GREAT QUESTION. I THINK ONE OF THE THINGS IS
THEY COME INTO THE RELATIONSHIP
AS BEING LESS JEALOUS PEOPLE TO
START OFF WITH.
AND THATS PROBABLY ONE OF THE
REASONS WHY THIS TYPE OF A
RELATIONSHIP IS APPEALING TO
THEM.
THEM.
SO THATS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY I SAY THIS ISNT GO EVERYBODYFOR
>> IN THE COMMERCIAL BREAK I
ASKED THE AUDIENCE WHO WOULD
CONSIDER DOING THIS AND EVERY
WOMAN IN THE AUDIENCE WAS
LIKE -- RIGHT?
SO DR. SNYDER, WHAT DO YOU
THINK?
THINK?
IS IT ON THE RISE, THIS SORT OF CHOICE?N THE RISE, THIS SORT OF
CHOICE?
>> ITS A GREAT QUESTION. IM A SEX THERAPIST SO PEOPLE
ONLY COME TO SEE ME WHEN THEYRE
HAVING PROBLEMS AND USUALLY
AFTER NOTHING ELSE HAS WORKED SO
PEOPLE THAT ARE REALLY HAVING
PROBLEMS.
THE BASIC MESSAGE WHEN IT COMES
TO NONMONOGAMY IS YOU DONT WANT TO DO IT JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK
ITS GOING TO SOLVE A PROBLEM.
NONMONOGAMY IS NOT THE SOLUTION
TO A PROBLEM.
>> IF MY HUSBAND CAME TO ME AFTER YEARS OF BEING IN AME
AFTER YEARS OF BEING IN A COMMITTED, MONOGAMOUS
COMMITTED, MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP AND THEN MARRIAGE
AND SAID I WANT TO TRY AN OPEN
MARRIAGE, ID SAY WHAT YOURE
REALLY LOOKING FOR IS A DIVORCE
OR A PERMISSION SLIP TO GO
CHEAT.
CHEAT.
DENIED, RIGHT? >> SO ONE REALLY COMMON
SITUATION THAT I HEAR IS ONE
PERSON, USUALLY THE GUY, WANTS A
NONMONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP AND
THE WOMAN WAS THE EXACT REACTION
AS YOU AND SHE GETS HOUNDED
ABOUT IT AND THAT NEVER WORKS.
LETS SAY BOTH PEOPLE ARE
THINKING ABOUT IT SO WERE GOING
TO WALK ALL WAY -- BOTH ARE
THINKING ABOUT IT.
THE BASIC QUESTION IS ARE YOU
HAPPY TOGETHER?
HAPPY TOGETHER?
IF YOURE NOT HAPPY TOGETHER,
ITS USUALLY A MISTAKE TO OPEN
UP THE RELATIONSHIP.
>> BUT MY BRAIN IS STUCK ON THAT BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IF YOU AREAT
BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IF YOU ARE HAPPY TOGETHER AND YOURE IN A
MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP, THEN
YOU DONT WANT TO GO SLEEP WITH
OTHER PEOPLE.
OTHER PEOPLE. >> THATS NOT ALWAYS TRUE.
>> IS THAT WRONG?
>> THATS NOT ALWAYS TRUE. SOME PEOPLE CAN BE HAPPY.
SOME PEOPLE CAN BE HAPPY TOGETHER BUT THEYRE NOT JEALOUS
SOULS.
SOULS.
THEYRE BUILT FOR MORE EXPANSIVE
RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE THERE ARE
A FEW PEOPLE LIKE THIS.
>> BUT THE PROBLEM THAT A LOT OF
THESE FOLKS FACE IS THEY ARE A
MINORITY, RIGHT?
SO YOU HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH
BEING A MINORITY BECAUSE WHILE
YOUR DATA SUGGESTS FOLKS CAN BE
VERY HAPPY IN THESE
RELATIONSHIPS, ITS NOT VERY
WELL ACCEPTED.
>> NO, ITS NOT WELL ACCEPTED AT ALL.O, ITS NOT WELL ACCEPTED AT
ALL.
ITS ONE OF THE MOST SIGMA
TIESED GROUPS IVE HAD THE CHANCE TO STUDY.E HAD THE
CHANCE TO STUDY. PEOPLE HAVE NEGATIVE REACTIONS
TO THIS ARRANGEMENT.
A LOT OF TIMES ITS NOT ABOUT
THE PEOPLE THEMSELVES BUT THE
PEOPLE WHO SEE THIS FEEL
THREATENED.
THREATENED.
THEY FEEL LIKE THIS REFLECTS ON
THEIR RELATIONSHIP OR THEIR
CHOICE TO BE MOWNOGAMOUSMONOGAMO
>> OR THEYRE WORRIED THEIR
SPOUSE WILL BRING IT HOME AS A
SUGGESTION TO THEM.
>> THATS TRUE.
>> WHEN YOU ENTER INTO A
MARRIAGE, THERES A COVENANT,
THERES A DEAL.
YOU STRUCK ON TO THE DEAL, YOU SIGNED ON TO THE DEAL, THATSOU
SIGNED ON TO THE DEAL, THATS IT, THE DEAL IS DONE, DONT TRY
TO RENEGOTIATE.
TO RENEGOTIATE. AND THOSE OF US WHO HAVE CHOSEN
MONOGAMY DONT WANT ANYBODY
QUESTIONING THAT OR THROWING
DOUBT INTO THAT.
BUT THESE COUPLES ARE NOT --
ITS NO COMMENT ON US.
>> THEYRE NOT TRYING TO CONVERT
ANYONE.
ANYONE.
WITH MY DATA IM NOT TRYING TO CONVERT ANYONE. NOT TRYING TO
CONVERT ANYONE.
I WOULD JUST TRY TO SUPPORT
THEIR CHOICES.
>> YOU KNOW THERE ARE A LOT OF
PEOPLE SITTING AT HOME SAYING
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN.
IS THIS UNHEALTHY FOR THE
CHILDREN?
ARE THEY CONFUSED?
WHAT SAY YOU ON THAT?
>> YOUVE GOT THE DATA.
>> I ACTUALLY HADNT STUDIED THIS MYSELF BUT ELIZABETH SHEP
HAS DONE EXTENSIVE WORK WITH
THIS GROUP AND FOUND THE
CHILDREN OF POLYAMOROUS PARENTS
ARE DOING REALLY, REALLY WELL.
THEY FEEL LOVED, THEY HAVE
MULTIPLE PARENTAL FIGURES AND
THAT MAKES THEM FEEL SUPPORTED.
THEY DONT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH
STIGMA.
STIGMA.
OUR WORLD IS CRAZY ANYWAY.
DADS GOT A GIRLFRIEND OR MOMS REMARRIED SO THEY DONT WANTMS
REMARRIED SO THEY DONT WANT LIKE THEYRE STIGMATIZED THAT
MUCH AND THEYRE A GROUP DOING
VERY, VERY WELL.
>> THESE PEOPLE ARE PIONEERS.
THIS IS THE FIRST GENERATION OF
POLYAMOROUS PEOPLE.
POLYAMOROUS PEOPLE. NOBODY KNOWS HOW IT WILL TURN
OUT IN THE LONG RUN.
THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST HIGHLY
STIGMATIZED GROUPS IN EXISTENCE.
>> BY THE WAY, SO WE UNDERSTAND,
OPEN MARRIAGE IS WHEN YOURE
MARRIED WITH SOMEBODY AND YOURE
ALLOWED TO SLEEP WITH OTHERS AND
EVERYBODY UNDERSTANDS THAT.
SWINGERS, THATS WHEN YOURE
MARRIED, COUPLES MARRIED AND
THEY TOGETHER GO SLEEP WITH
OTHER COUPLES, RIGHT?
>> BASICALLY.
>> BASICALLY.
>> AND POLYAMORY IS WHAT?
>> YOURE ALLOWED TO FALL IN LOVE IS BASICALLY WHAT I SAY.
SO A PRIMARY COUPLE MIGHT DECIDE
THAT ITS OKAY TO HAVE SEXUAL
RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS AND
ITS ALSO OKAY FOR THOSE
RELATIONSHIPS TO BE ROMANTIC AND
LOVING.
LOVING.
>> WHEREUPON THE WOMAN STUCK