NOW, SOMETIMES OUR EXTRA-VALUE MEAL OF NEWS GETS SO STUFFED
THAT WE HAVE TO REACH DOWN FOR THE LITTLE FRENCH FRIES THAT
HAVE FALLEN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE GREASY BROWN NEWS BAG THAT IS MY
SEGMENT...
SORRY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HONESTY.
HONESTY.
MEANWHILE, UNSETTLING NEWS FOR USERS OF FACETIME-- THE NUMBER
ONE APP AMONG GRANDPAS RANDOMLY TAPPING THEIR NEW iPAD.
"I CAN'T TALK NOW, PEEPAW!" "JIM, PLEASE, TELL HIM I'M CALL
HIM BACK.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU HEAR THE AUDIO OF THE PERSON YOU ARE CALLING BEFORE THEY
PICK UP."
MOSTLY YOU HEAR, "OH, MY GOD!
JUST TEXT ME, YOU UGLY JERK."
( LAUGHTER )
"START A FACETIME VIDEO CALL WITH AN iPHONE CONTACT."
THEN "WHILST THE CALL IS DIALING, SWIPE UP FROM THE
BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN AND TAP 'ADD PERSON.'"
THEN YOU "ADD YOUR OWN PHONE NUMBER IN THE 'ADD PERSON'
SCREEN."
THEN, "START A GROUP FACETIME CALL, INCLUDING YOURSELF AND THE
AUDIO OF THE PERSON YOU ORIGINALLY CALLED."
THE GOOD NEWS IS IF YOU'RE DOING ALL THAT STUFF WHEN YOU USE
FACETIME, YOU DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO USE FACETIME.
( LAUGHTER )
"NOT NOW, PEEPAW!
I WILL CALL YOU WHEN THE SHOW IS OVER."
JIM, PLEASE!
MEANWHILE, OVER THE WEEKEND, THE UNITED ARAB EMIRATES HELD GENDER
EQUALITY AWARDS THAT WERE WON ENTIRELY BY MEN.
( LAUGHTER )
CONGRATULATIONS, GUYS, BUT I GOT TO SAY, MEN ARE THE ONES
CREATING THE INEQUALITY.
THAT'S LIKE GIVING A PERFECT ATTENDANCE AWARD TO THE KID WHO
GAVE THE WHOLE CLASS E. COLI-TAINTED CUPCAKES.
WELL PLAYED, DEREK.
EVEN THESE GUYS KNOW IT'S A BAD IDEA.
JUST LOOK AT THE DUDE HANDING OUT THE AWARDS.
"OH, WAIT, IT JUST HIT ME-- THIS IS NOT GOING TO PLAY WELL WITH
THE LADIES.
AND THEY CAN DRIVE NOW."
( LAUGHTER )
INTO THE WOODS FOR MUCH OF LAST WEEK, "A THREE-YEAR-OLD BOY HAS
BEEN FOUND ALIVE AND SAFE AFTER A MASSIVE SEARCH IN NORTH
CAROLINA."
WHICH IS SUCH GREAT NEWS.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: YES!
>> Stephen: LITTLE BOY FOUND IN NORTH CAROLINA.
THAT IS SUCH HAPPY NEWS.
BUT IN A TRAGIC TWIST, HE WILL HAVE TO SPEND HIS LIFE EATING
NORTH CAROLINA BARBECUE-- I WELCOME YOUR VINEGAR-STAINED
LETTERS, YOU POOR FLAVOR-DEPRIVED BASTARDS!
BUT HERE'S WHAT'S NUTS.
WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID ALL THAT TIME, THE THREE-YEAR-OLD SAID,
"HE HUNG OUT WITH A BEAR FOR TWO DAYS."
INCREDIBLE.
A SNACK-SIZED HUMAN ARRIVES IN THIS BEAR'S WOODS, AND IT
DOESN'T EVEN EAT HIM!
THEN AGAIN, IF A CHICKEN JUST SHOWED UP IN MY LIVING ROOM AND
STARTED FOLLOWING ME AROUND, I'D PROBABLY WAIT A COUPLE DAYS
BEFORE I FRYERED UP THE--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HOW ABOUT THAT?
( LAUGHTER )
NORTH CAROLINA WOODS ARE PRIME HUNTING COUNTRY, SO
GAME-TRACKING MOTION SENSORS HAPPENED TO CAPTURE THIS FOOTAGE
OF THE LITTLE BOY AND THE BEAR.
AMAZING!
MEANWHILE, IF YOU WERE HOPING FOR MORE PILLS YOU COULD TAKE,
GREAT NEWS: "SCIENTISTS ARE WORKING ON A PILL FOR
LONELINESS."
WE ALREADY HAVE ONE.
IT'S CALLED A CINNABON.
( LAUGHTER )
WITH GIVING LONELY PATIENTS "A NEUROSTEROID CALLED
PREGNENOLONE," WHICH "SIGNIFICANTLY REDUCED PERCEIVED
LONELINESS."
SO IT MAKES YOU THINK YOU'RE LESS LONELY THAN YOU ARE, AN
EFFECT PREVIOUSLY ACHIEVABLE ONLY WITH PRESCRIPTION-STRENGTH
CATS.
( LAUGHTER )
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE.