Hey, did everybody do the new update?
Yes.
OK, not the phones.
I'm not talking about the phones.
I'm talking about the alphabet.
Did you see this?
Yes!
Yeah, the song that we all learned as a kid
to learn the ABCs, the whole alphabet, they changed it.
Yep, look what they did.
(SINGING) A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q,
R, S, T, U. V, W, X, Y, Z.
WTF?
[APPLAUSE]
So they supposedly change it because kids
couldn't understand the L, M, N, O, P put together.
So this version separates those letters.
If you thought Bernie and Ernie being
more than just roommates--
Bert and Ernie.
Huh?
Bert and Ernie.
Bernie and Ert, is that what I said?
You said Ernie and Bernie.
I don't know.
I just, I don't know these people.
Bert and Ernie, if you thought that they
being more than just roommates was upsetting your childhood,
this is a whole other level.
Bert and Ernie should be together,
so should L, M, N, O, P.
Who did it, who changed it, who can I sue?
Those were the questions.
The old song was fine.
It's not like people don't eventually learn the letters.
Ultimately, we know L, M, N, O, P is not one letter.
Just like at some point we know that "pisketti" is spaghetti.
Which I learned recently.
There are some things, though, that shouldn't change.
Remember how Pluto was a planet, and then it wasn't, and then
now it is again?
Make up your mind, space doctors.
Listen, if we're going to start changing childhood things,
I've got other ideas.
How about we make LEGOs soft?
How about that?
[APPLAUSE]
I don't even have kids and yet I've managed to step on one.
And also I think drinking age should be 16,
driving age should be 21, and by 14 every child
should have a rescue animal.
Whether it's a dog, a cat, a possum--
just everyone should have a rescue animal.
[APPLAUSE]
And if we're going to start changing songs, I have an idea.
Let's change "Baby Shark" by removing all the words and all
the music.