I remember the days when people used to
like me you'll have to take my word for
it back in the days when I stock to
investment portfolios and financial
plans and kept my nose out of their love
life but that all changed you see I'm a
financial advisor who was boomeranged
back into the dating game in my 50s and
I'm thinking this is gonna be fun right
I mean what's a date but a business
meeting or a job interview but what's
the prospect of a good night kiss at the
end but I realized pretty fast out of
the gate that there are way more rules
about finance in the world of dating
then there are in the world of finance
old-school hammered down outdated
expectations about who does what when
and how complicated by shifting cultural
norms digital technology and a fair
amount of gender confusion and we're not
supposed to talk about any of it so here
I am reaching into the back of my closet
looking for a push-up bra and a pair of
high heels
learning about online dating from my 30
year old friends and it's not so bad
once I figure out what some of the
initials mean lawl but I had two big
discoveries early I can swipe right to
find somebody who will chase me around
in a bunny suit with whipping cream and
chocolate sauce easier then I can find
somebody comfortable about talking about
how we're gonna pay for dinner and I
also learned that there is a huge gap
between what we say and think we believe
about gender equality and what we
actually do in a romantic situation so
here I am sitting across from my sis
mail date strapped into my new Spanx and
smellin like Oda Chanel and I casually
mentioned that since I had invited him
for dinner this would be my treat again
I'm thinking this is like in business
where there's that scene at the end of
the meal when the bill comes and it
sparks a showdown about who's gonna pay
or who won't pay I make a simple
statement that I think would be seen as
polite maybe even a relief and he comes
back with absolutely not it is my
privilege to pay for the pleasure of
your company
paying for the privilege of my company
are we still talking dinner here
no no no really really this is this is
my treat he looks me straight in the eye
and says with calm cold certainty it is
the man's job to pay the bill
he calls me rather outspoken which
normally I would consider a compliment
if it hadn't been said in the same tone
you would use for a hideous disfiguring
disease we continue on with our filet
mignon and candlelight and nearing the
end of the meal I get up to use the
ladies room on the way back through I
stopped and I asked the bartender for
the check to which he replies the
gentleman has already paid the bill I
get back to the table and I see not only
has he paid but he's gone never saw the
guy again
as I huddle into my coat and skulk out
of the restaurant all I can think is how
is this ever gonna work how can I be
true to my values it maybe get a little
love action how can I deal with these
outdated expectations without having an
open conversation in our modern world
whoever has the money has the power when
that gentleman paid the bill he wasn't
being gracious or generous he was
wielding power his priority was to
establish his position of authority over
the situation and he showed me I had
crossed the line as a woman and he
punished me by leaving without so much
as a seal later let alone a goodnight
kiss it took a while but eventually
after many awkward and often
embarrassing trial runs I learned to ask
a simple question and to ask it early
would you be okay if we had a chat about
how we're gonna handle the bill and that
simple question opened the door to some
wonderful conversations but it was
always nerve-racking now whenever I go
out to speak or teach I bring up this
topic of dating and who pays and as I
said before I used to be a lot more
popular a couple months ago I was
talking to about a hundred business
school alumni from a local university
about money and marriage and I
challenged the room how do you expect to
have financial equality in your
relationships if you won't even talk
about how you're gonna handle a bill on
a first date well the room exploded yeah
what a thought I'd asked him to show up
to work on Monday dressed in their bunny
suits with a can of whipped cream under
one arm and their chocolate sauce tucked
into their pants the women were
especially passionate they said things
like guys hate that
it's so unromantic it will emasculate
the man emasculate the man this sounds
very serious so I I asked them to look
away so that I could speak to the men
directly is this how you feel
is this what would happen to which I was
flooded with I would love it if a woman
asked me that that's the kind of woman
I'm looking for when I looked back over
at the women they glared at me with
vampire eyes and the men were sitting
there like happy puppies and that was
tame the week afterwards I talked to a
Women's Leadership Conference mostly
lawyers and accountants and again I
challenged the room how do you expect to
have a world of financial equality if
you won't pick up a check or at least
talk about it on a date and again I am
flooded with a chorus of unromantic this
and emasculation that well this is
confusing are the men pretending they
want to pay but they really don't or are
they pretending they don't but they
really do and the women they say they
want financial equality but they are
mortally offended if the man doesn't
automatically foot the bill look this is
just not right it's downright unfair to
expect any one gender to pay more or
always or never or first and it's not
healthy to exchange our power for a meal
or love or even whipping cream and
chocolate sauce
but buried deep in our culture our
social norms and conditioning we cleave
tightly to even when it no longer works
for us at some point thinks that aren't
fair need to be talked about don't they
I mean it's not about a first date in
who pays this is about confronting
outdated expectations
it's about being brave enough to have an
open conversation at the point where the
stakes are actually at their lowest do
you think it's gonna be easier to talk
to your partner about financial equality
when you are buried up to your eyeballs
with dirty diapers mortgage payments and
morning breath some of us want the world
to be fair and some of us are willing to
take responsibility to try to change
what's not fair
and we all want love and happy
relationships right well let's get some
practice talking about the tough stuff
early changing outdated expectations
requires open conversation and these
open conversations begin with a simple
question we can all start to ask would
you be willing to talk about this would
you be willing to talk about how we're
gonna pay the bill now that's the
pathway to get in the goodnight kiss and
to getting a whole lot more not that
economic equality in a fair world for
all of us
you