- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.
This is Breaking News.
- Hello and welcome to the Breaking News,
The show where we have no idea what we're about to say
and aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Finna Getit.
- And I'm Bette Menforever.
Starting out with a little fun,
we're getting reports of an armed robbery
at the La Puente Pic 'N' Save.
None were spared.
- That is fun.
On tonight's show: Teens.
- What the latest teen craze could say about your parenting.
- We'll also cover a recipe from my personal collection.
- And get some answers on why
everyone's mad at Buster Keaton.
- Spoiler alert, he looks wet and that's hard to trust.
- All that and more (laughs)
- Keep it together.
- All that and more spilling out
of my little shrimp rocket
in just a minute.
- But first, let's pop, lock and drop on over
to the weather, which due to our budget cuts,
will be handled by our very own Bette Menforever.
Bette?
- That's me. (laughs)
A cold is gonna take you.
It's going to hold you down for eternity.
I'm talking of course, about death.
Back to you, Finna.
- Thank you.
That was honest and fair.
Back to you.
- And right back to you.
- Thank you.
Our top story for tonight:
A bird gave birth on a child's
birthday cake in MacArthur Park.
Was it kismet?
- Here's Gale Gobble on the scene.
- Thanks Bette. I'm here (groans loudly)
Thanks, Bette.
I'm here with my dick in my hand in MacArthur Park.
Witnesses reported a normal birthday,
people by a lake holding red SOLO cups,
and at least one person with a backwards hat.
Moments later, a thick-ass bird
blew her load all over the place.
- Heartwarming.
- Indeed.
And now one question is on everyone's mind:
Did you fart, or did I need dental work?
Oh my, only time will tell.
I'm Gale Gobble.
Gobble, gobble, gobblin' up that pussy.
Back to you. (laughs)
- Well, you turd it (laughs)
Well, you turd it fear cursed.
We turn our attention over to
the newest teen craze: crowning.
All you need is your head and a flexible friend.
- I'm sorry to interrupt, Bette,
but we're getting some breaking news here.
With that is our correspondent, Amy Schumer.
- I feel pretty.
- Never interrupt me again.
I'm back again. Back for more.
I'm a greedy little booty gargoyle, beauty carbroyle.
Carl Sr. is my father, but enough about me.
Ben Affleck is rolling out a clothing line
for pear-shaped men, but will it last?
- I certainly hope not.
The pear apparel.
This pear apparel apparently pairs
flared wear with luxury pricing,
and that really fucks my nuts.
How about you, Finna?
- Hell yeah, this whole thing sticks in my craw
and it's not just a sticky little crumb like last time.
- I'm in the same boat and I just pulled into Ellis Island.
- We leave you now with our final segment:
Cooking on a Dime. Put a thumb-sized piece of dough
on your favorite ten-cent coin.
And a saucy pepperoni and bake for minutes.
- That's all the time we have.
From Breaking News, I'm Bette Menforever.
- And I'm Finna Getit.
Before we go, we have some personal news.
We're very proud to announce
this week's Employee of the Week. It's Grant.
- I'm pretty comfortable with that.
(clapping)
I think that makes a lot of sense.
I feel like there's some things we're ignoring, but great.
Thanks so much for watching.