hi everyone welcome to the October
version of the QA hopefully all my
technology will work it's amazing that
it ever does QA Oh apparently it is good
so let me catch you up to date on some
news first that would be fun as far as
I'm concerned so the first thing I want
to do is share something with you and
that's this so I got this in the mail
yesterday from penguin UK from an editor
Nick Skidmore who I've been working with
for several months and so this is the
50th anniversary version of Alexander
Solzhenitsyn 's Gulag Archipelago in its
abridged form one volume of bridged form
which he approved it's also published on
the sent in their centenary of his birth
and I was invited to write a foreword to
it which I completed and which seemed to
meet with the satisfaction of the
editors and also Solzhenitsyn's family
it's about 500 pages long which is much
shorter than the original book which was
about eighteen hundred pages and
Solzhenitsyn approved the abridgement I
think I might have said that so it's a
remarkable piece of literature and
history and arguably the most
influential historical document of the
20th century you could make that case
and so it was really unbelievably it was
an unbelievable privilege to be asked to
write the foreword and I hope that I did
a credible job we'll see about that it's
on sale as of November 1st now I've also
prepared a youtube video for it where
I've read the foreword and some of the
content of the book to provide people
with an introduction and I'm hoping that
this will be something approximating a
literary event so I invite you to pick
up the book if you'd like to and and
prepare to be
shock to your core I suppose is the
proper way of thinking about it so there
you go
so that's that next thing I was in New
York the other day yesterday literally
finalizing what I hope is a deal for my
second book and perhaps books after that
but certainly for the second book which
is tentatively entitled 12 more rules
for life there you go
originally there were 42 rules and I
haven't used them all up so there's
plenty of reason for continuing as far
as I'm concerned and I've written a fair
bit of it and it seems to be going well
and I'm hoping that I can do a better
job of the second book that's the goal
and that's what I discussed with the
editorial team is that I want the next
book to be substantially better than the
last one was hopefully I can manage that
so that's well and good as well I'm
hoping that I'd have that book done by
next September something approximating
that maybe for publication the following
January now I've got a year after that
if I need it depending on what happens
this year but that's the plan and then
I'm going to tell you a little bit about
what's happening with me over the next I
suppose year really I might as well tell
you that maybe you're you'd be
interested in knowing so the first thing
is is that tonight I'm going with Tammy
my wife who's been traveling me with me
this whole time we've we've finished 85
cities in the tour so far and they've
gone really well I would say so we
spoken to about 250,000 people I've been
travelling with Dave Rubin of the Rubin
report and that's been entertaining he's
very comical and has been a good adjunct
to add a bit of levity and also a
certain degree of seriousness so that's
good so on Sunday I'm speaking in Dublin
and on the 23rd that's Tuesday on Oslo
I'll just go through the cities you can
look up the dates at Jordan P Peterson
comm forward slash events if you want
Manchester Oxford Glasgow
Edinboro Amsterdam Cambridge Helsinki
Stockholm Copenhagen Birmingham Oslo
Stockholm and Helsinki so that ends
November 11th then I'm off with Tami to
Spain and Portugal to talk to book
publishers there and then I'm going to
speak to the trilateral commission in
Slovenia and Lubyanka and then we're
going to Hawaii I have a talk in Hawaii
and that's at the end of November then
to New York maybe I'm going to talk to
dr. oz again that's not finalized but it
seems probable then I'm going to
Washington to talk to some people there
and then to Florida for a bit of a break
from Canadian winter even though I won't
have experienced any of that so far this
year and I have a speaking engagement
there as well and then in January
possibly I'll be in California we've
applied for a tech incubator in
California to further the development of
our educational software which is
already at the prototype stage I don't
know for sure that will be accepted into
the incubator and I don't know for sure
if we are accepted if that's that's the
route we're going to take because there
are other options we're also working
with a private school consortium to test
the software as we develop it because
when you're developing a product this is
a good thing to know if you ever do
build something you want to build a
product test it with your potential
customers build it again because you've
made all sorts of mistakes test it with
your customers and so on so and then
after that I'm going to Australia and
New Zealand probably to talk in about a
dozen places there and then back to
Europe in March and April and then I'm
going to write non-stop I hope from May
to September and then with any luck I'm
going to start the biblical series again
with Exodus and so that's that that's
the plan
so it's exciting and daunting and all of
those things so now you're up to date
and hopefully that was interesting
I really am thrilled about this this is
really something man it's really
something so and I'm the solzhenitsyn
family was happy with the forward so
that was really
positive and hopefully it'll bring a
whole new audience to the book that
would be a good thing this is not
something that we should ever forget
ever okay so let's say let's go to some
questions here any advice for a young
counselor soon to finish his degree what
do you wish you knew as a young
therapist well let's start with advice
well one thing I would say is you could
go to my book list and read the books
that are there there's at on my website
there is a list of recommended books
fiction nonfiction and the nonfiction is
categorized in different ways there's a
psychotherapy section I would say read
those books that's that would be helpful
those people young Freud Rogers I think
there's something by Adler unreel and
bur J some of the existentialists from
the 1950s a lot of neuroscientists
types very very smart people very very
useful to know what they had to say so
then the next thing I would suggest and
you've heard this from me before perhaps
is that it's almost impossible to
overestimate the degree to which merely
listening is helpful if you're a
counselor lots of people have no one to
listen to have no one that will listen
to them and that's a real problem
because people actually think by talking
and so for many people who are isolated
they have no one to talk to so that
means they don't think and that means
that their their thoughts aren't
straight and organized and you might
think well why does that matter but the
reason it matters is because the best
analogy I would say to do thoughts is
that the best way of conceptualizing the
structure of your thoughts is to
consider it in the same manner that you
might consider a map and your map should
be organized and things should be in the
right place because otherwise when you
use the map to navigate in the world you
don't end up where you want to be and
you run into things that you don't want
to encounter
and so it's actually extraordinarily
necessary to get your thoughts in order
since they help you simulate the world
before you act in it and so don't
underestimate how important it is just
to listen and then you think let's think
about listening to so someone comes to
you and they and they come to you
because they have a problem now you
don't know what their problem is and
neither do they all you know is that
they have enough of a problem to come
and talk to you so then they might have
a problem because really terrible things
have happened to them and anyone with
any sense would have a problem and so
then they have problems in lives in life
say or they have existential problems
don't really psychological problems even
though it might be psychologically
demanding to adapt to the real problems
you want to listen and you want to find
out well what exactly is the problem
space and how much of that is practical
and how much of it is psychological so
the first issue is you don't know what
the problem is and you want to ask a lot
of questions to find out what it is and
and and also what it isn't because often
people will come in and they're upset
and they don't exactly know why they're
upset and they might be upset about a
whole bunch of things and it isn't until
after they talk through all the things
they might be upset about that they find
out what they're upset about and what
they're not so another reason to listen
especially at the stage of problem
formulation is to help people decide
what their problems aren't well then the
next thing you have to do to listen is
like okay well now we we know what the
problem is
well what would your client view as a
potential solution so assuming that this
could be made better in some manner what
would better look like so you need to
develop Co develop a philosophy of
what's better and so that's a goal or a
name and it's almost like a personalized
definition of mental health but it might
be better to think about it as a
personalized definition of of a good
life and so that's the next thing you
have to listen about and then the last
thing you have to listen about and
negotiate as well is okay well now we
know what your problem is and we know
hypothetically what the destination is
with regards to solving that problem is
what are the strategies that
necessary to implement in order to make
that positive outcome occur and then
that's something that you negotiate by
listening every week it's like okay well
here's the goal what steps could we take
that you would implement that would move
you towards that goal can you take those
steps in the world will you do that this
week and then watch whether or not you
do it and come back and report and also
tell me and yourself whether or not
implementing that actually worked and
then we can come back and we can have a
discussion about whether you did it or
not and if you didn't then how we could
modify that and if you did how we could
continue and expand it and if you did do
it whether it worked and if it if it and
what unexpected things occurred and what
if any implications there are for
understanding your problem and for your
goal and so you know you you need it's a
map
you have a starting point you have to
figure out what that is you have a
destination point the desired future you
have to figure out what that is you have
to implement and design strategies that
will move the person forward and then
you have to test all those strategies
very strategic thinking very practical
thinking and so that's that's an outline
of how to do effective psychotherapy I
would say effective careful
psychotherapy another bit of advice is
people often who are young counsellors
are afraid and don't know how they can
not take their clients problems home and
I've got a couple of things to say about
that the first is they're not your
problems and it's very important to
remember that it's partly you don't want
to steal your clients problems I mean
you might think well if I could take my
clients problems on myself and lift the
burden from them all wouldn't that be
better and the answer is well no because
someone's problems are not that
distinguishable from their life and what
you're there to do is facilitate their
ability to learn to grapple successfully
with the existential vagaries of their
own existence and you don't want to leap
in there and steal it like let's say you
give us a spectacular piece of advice
and you're going to give advice now in
that but it's it's not that advisable
then let's say you advise someone to
solve a problem in a Sur
way and they go do it and the problem
solved it's like well the problems
disappeared but they didn't learn how to
generate the solution to the problem and
so they're in worse shape with future
problems and it's your victory in some
sense instead of theirs and so you don't
want to you don't want to steal from
your clients destiny and so and that
also frees you up to some degree because
it also means that you're not morally
obligated to take on those problems and
carry them home and the other thing is
is that it doesn't do your client any
good for their problems to sink you you
have a moral obligation an ethical
obligation a professional obligation to
remain sufficiently detached from the
situation so that your head is clear and
you remain healthy and and your practice
remains viable for the long run and so
don't forget to protect yourself it's
very very important let let your clients
sort out their lives you're there to
help you're there as a sounding board
you're there is a strategic and you're
there to offer strategic advice you're
there to shed light on the
symptomatology and to lay out potential
strategies for treatment all of that and
so and that's good enough you don't take
on any more than that so ok
procrastination and instant
gratification rule me nothing seems to
motivate me nothing seems to motivate me
what do I do
well I'm gonna give you some practical
advice I would say you need a plan like
you need a plan and not just a plan you
need a reason to implement the plan you
need both of those so something
motivates you you already said instant
gratification motivates you so you'll do
things for instant gratification
now look instant gratification is a
particular form of reward it's called
incentive reward and it's mediated by
dopaminergic circuitry the same
circuitry that mediates reward as a
consequence of using drugs like cocaine
or any of the drugs that people abuse
and so there are certain short-term
activities that are pleasurable enough
so they produce an intrinsic they
intrinsically produce a dopamine kick
and a lot of that's instantaneous
gratification like say eating when
you're hungry
at least the taste and flavor of the
food because there's also a satiation
element that comes along with food and
so there's those those pleasures that
speak for themselves
when you're looking at the long-run
things that are rewards that are delayed
don't produce as much of a dopamine kick
so they're not as immediately gratifying
and they're not as gripping in the
present and the way that you have to
overcome that is to generate a vision of
it's really it's not a it's not a plan
or a strategy it's a philosophical
vision that that that that justifies
your life in some way that you deeply
believe it has to be that and it can't
be trivial because otherwise
procrastination and instant
gratification are going to rule you so
we developed this program called the
future authoring program and it's part
of the self authoring suite and I'll run
through it very rapidly because even if
you don't use that program although you
could because that's what it's designed
for and I think it makes it easier it
outlines what's necessary in order to
overcome the problem that you're
describing so the first question you
might ask yourself is well what would
you need to gain and you have to have a
real dialogue with yourself to
understand this you have to take
yourself warts-and-all your useless
procrastinating instant gratification
seeking self and you have to sit down
and say alright you know you're talking
to your inner badly behaved six-year-old
it's like okay what is it that you would
have to have in order to commit to
something in the long run what what kind
of vision of the future would would
justify sacrifices for you and you might
say well you don't know it's like okay
fine that's why you have to break it
down so let me ask you some questions so
you might think well here's some things
that people need in their life because
your life is not going to be solid
grounded gratifying acceptable
meaningful relevant and devoid of
earth-shaking anxiety
without managing some of these things
most people need an intimate
relationship a long-term intimate
relationship because otherwise they get
lonesome and bored and crazy crazy in a
different way than you get if you have a
long-term relationship worse crazy they
need friends they need family so that
could be your your birth family your
parents your extended family your
siblings but also children so you need
to know well where does that fit in your
life what's your vision for that you
want to get along with your parents you
want to get along with your siblings do
you have a strategy for that do you want
to have kids at some point you want to
build yourself a family okay you need a
job or a career now a career is
intrinsically meaningful and and and and
usually very demanding in terms of
commitment and hours whereas a job at
least can be engaging in worthwhile I'm
it's usually more time limited maybe you
have more freedom outside of it but you
need a job because you need something to
do and you need some some routine and
you need some financial support and if
you can have a career and that's what
you want so much the better but at least
at least you could have a trade
something worthwhile not that a trade
can't be a career and believe me I've
got nothing against trades um you need
to take care of yourself mentally and
physically like how do you want to
present yourself in the world don't you
you want to be healthy mentally and
physically so that you're like a light
among men let's put it that way that
would be a good goal how are you gonna
handle the temptations of drugs and
alcohol and whatever procrastination and
instant gratification are tilting you in
the wrong direction so those are you
know seven things that you might
consider sit down here's the question
you're taking care of yourself like
you're someone you care about you can
design a future that would be good for
you if you were taking care of yourself
right for 20 minutes you can have what
you want it's three years down the road
you can have whatever you want but you
have to aim for it and work for it and
you have to specify it what is it what
do you want what would make your life
worthwhile what would be good enough so
that instant gratification would be an
obstacle instead of a means for
proceeding like I can give you an
example to some degree
when I was kid in my early 20s I did I
did quite a bit of drinking and partying
I came from a hard drinking background
up in northern Alberta and you know I
was out three times a week even when I
was in graduate school and I was
beginning to write seriously scientific
papers and also the work that became
maps of meaning and eventually twelve
rules for life and it came to the point
where I couldn't do both I couldn't go
out and be that social and have that
much instant instant gratifying fun and
be in good enough shape so that if I was
annotating something complex I was
making it better instead of worse and I
was really interested in what I was
doing I was learning a lot about the
brain I was learning a lot about alcohol
and drug abuse I was laying out the
platform for the relationship between
narrative and and neuroscience and it
was really engrossing and engaging but
it was hard and it was long-term I mean
it was a long-term plan though I had to
make a choice it was either continue the
fun which was fun I really enjoyed it or
do this thing that I really believed was
more worthwhile and it was more
worthwhile to do the more worthwhile
thing which is why I stopped with it's
instant gratification like a lot of
stopping and this is true for most
people especially young men who tend to
drink a fair bit and carouse around a
lot most young men stopped that sort of
thing at least to some degree around 25
or 26 and the reason they do that is
because they pick up other
responsibilities they get a real job
that has some future and they get a
relationship that's permanent they have
a family and they decide well that's
more important than the procrastination
and the instant gratification okay so
make yourself a damn plan make it into a
strategy you could use the future
authoring program if you like I would
highly recommend that do it badly you
might be intimidated by it you know I
don't know how to plan it's like yeah we
know you don't know how to plan make a
bad plan it's better than the one you've
got so so do it badly and then try and
modify it as needs be and see if that
works you need a philosophy Kody that's
the thing you know you're live in a
shallow life and so short-term avoidance
that's procrastination you'll do that
because you don't think it's important
enough you don't think that the negative
consequences of not doing what you
should do are severe enough you're not
afraid enough of it the other thing you
do in the future authoring program by
the way is write about just exactly what
kind of hell you'd be likely to descend
into three to five years in the future
if you let your bad habits
procrastination and instant
gratification let's say rule you and
take you out of the game completely
because you also need to be terrified as
well as hopeful about what you might do
if you got your act together you need to
be terrified about what you where you
might end up if you kept being like lazy
and useless you know and shallow and
that none of that's good so you need to
be deeper and you need to look deeper
you need to Nietzsche said he who has a
why can bear anyhow and you need a Y and
the Y is something like well imagine you
could have the life imagine you could
have a life that would be worth giving
up some of the instant gratification for
even in principle what would that look
like
so alright alright what do you think the
feminine hero journey is do you believe
females have their own archetypal story
to follow well yes they certainly do I
think the first of all they have the
hero story like men do but I think I
think the classic hero's story if
imagine it this way the classic hero's
story is the archetypal male story with
with the feminine lurking in the
background because like men are
adventurous heroes all things considered
fundamentally but they're also very
maternal like men take care of children
families for very long periods of time
so as far as if you think about this
from a purely biological perspective
human males are very maternal
so both males and females have a an
aspect to them that's archetype
masculine and architects eminent and I
would say in the typical male the
archetypal a masculine dominates with
the archetypal effeminate in the
background and then the typical female
it's the reverse and so although there
might be some variation in that you know
you get the relatively rare female who's
more architecting a Lynne their
orientation to the world and you get the
relatively rare male who is more
archetypal feminine so the dragon the
conflict with the dragon is the
archetypal male story go out confront
the dragon get the gold bring it back to
the community
rescue the Virgin in noble the community
why make yourself wise as a consequence
of the adventure and develop your
character that's a great story the
archetypal feminine narrative at least
to some degree is Beauty and the Beast
which is to encounter the monstrous
masculine and to tame and civilize it so
that there so that a joint relationship
can be established that's part and
parcel of the development of long term
intimacy and that would be partly for
the purposes of intimacy which is
particularly important to people say who
are high in agreeableness and women are
higher in agreeableness but also as the
platform for for raising children
successfully now you get a male variant
of that which is one of the male
variants of the same story that Eric
Newman in particular talked about he was
a union commentator he wrote a book
called origins and history of
consciousness which I would highly
recommend that's on my list of
recommended readings and another one
called the great mother another
brilliant book Newman talked about
something called the crystallization of
the anima from the great mother
archetype and so you might say that that
men who've been dominated by women a
young boy who's been dominated by his
mother for example or a man for for who
who for some reason is dominated and
intimidated by the idea of the rejecting
feminine and if you're interested in
that idea you could watch a documentary
called crumb you'll see exactly what I
mean by dominated by the archetypal
rejecting feminine I've never seen a
better example of it that that then and
once laid out in that documentary crumb
it's a brilliant documentary so the
female is a hostile judge and very
critical of men the feminine speaking
archetype and so the man has to steel
himself to face that reject
to develop his character just like Bill
Murray does in Groundhog Day exactly the
same story and then free the individual
woman with whom he has a relationship
from the archetypal judgmental feminine
so that's like the male version of
Beauty and the Beast and so then and the
female version obviously the hero
archetype is the fact that women do have
a heroic role to play in the world as
well because they confront the unknown
just like men do and Garner wisdom
knowledge riches as a consequence but
the way I look at it is that well for
females the feminine archetype is at the
forefront and the masculine at the
background and and it's reversed for men
so that's that's how it looks to me
so you caught some Twitter flack for
your comment on Brett Kavanaugh care to
address your comment and the blowback
well I addressed the comment because I
wrote a blog post and so that was
probably the right way not only to
address it but that would have been the
right way to handle it to begin with so
I'll address it
sure I'll address it and I'll address
the blowback as well look just because
you have an idea doesn't mean that it's
the only idea and just because you have
an idea doesn't mean it's right
and so like it's weird for me in some
sense to engage in public discourse
especially politically because you see
I've been in I've been a researcher for
a very long period of time and so most
of the people that I've talked to about
serious ideas most of them many of them
have been researchers graduate students
for example and when you're talking
about a problem whatever it might be if
your research oriented what you do is
kind of what you do if you're a
therapist the way I laid out advice for
a young therapist earlier it's like okay
well what does everybody think the
problem is and so you assume that you
don't know it's like okay well we have
big discussion but what everybody thinks
the problem is well what do you think
the real problem is
what's the real problem with the
Cavanaugh situation well one might be
while Cavanaugh was accused of sexual
impropriety when he was a high school
student and because of that he's not his
suitability for the Supreme Court is in
question maybe that's the problem
yeah maybe and maybe that's not the
problem who the hell knows what the
problem is so here's a bunch of
possibilities we haven't had a
reasonable discussion about what
constitutes an acceptable statute of
limitations with regards to accusations
of misbehavior between individuals it's
like well can you accuse someone
reasonably five years later ten years
later fifteen years later forty years
later like is there a limit do you is
there a more do you have a moral
obligation if you're going to accuse
someone or even seek justice to do that
within a reasonable period of time who
don'ts we don't so that's a problem um
what exactly are the rules that govern
the conduct of men and women when
they're young when they're drinking are
we gonna have that conversation no we're
not going to have that conversation
either because no one wants to think of
that through and they especially don't
want to think it through with regards to
the complicating additional feature of
alcohol think about alcohol is the
reason that people drink is so that they
can act stupidly and have fun now the
problem with acting stupidly and having
fun when you're sober is that it makes
you anxious and so you don't do it but
alcohol especially for people for whom
alcohol is a good drug ramps up the
excitement of impulsivity and quells the
anxiety and so people always drink often
drink because they want to go out and be
stupid and have fun and look I
understand that there's something to be
said for stupid fun but it's but one of
the things that also needs to be said
about it is it's bloody well dangerous
and so we don't want to have that
conversation we don't have that
conversation on campuses we talked about
the rape crisis nobody talks about the
alcohol sexual assault crisis if men and
women didn't drink together there'd be
virtually no sexual assault and in fact
if people didn't drink at all there
almost no violent crime because alcohol
contributes to violent crime in a manner
that you can hardly imagine but 50% of
people who are murdered are drunk and
about 50% of the people who do the
murdering or drunk and that's probably
an underestimate because the stats
aren't kept that well and it also the
vent depends on how you define drunk so
that could also be a problem
well the Liberals left types let's call
them the left-leaning progressive types
don't want a conservative on the Supreme
Court
now the left-leaning types aren't happy
that Trump won the election the
Conservatives want to rush our candidate
on to the Supreme Court come hell or
high water because of the November
election then there's another problem
well is this about Kavanagh at all or is
this about Roe and Wade and about
abortion well who knows right it's about
all those things so it's an unbelievably
complicated god-awful situation and so
Eric Weinstein and Brett Weinstein we're
tweeting about this and it was late at
night and Eric said as far as I can tell
either way this is not gonna end well
and I thought oh he said is there an
alternative is there a way out of that
and I thought oh that's an interesting
question what might be a way out of that
and I thought well Cavanaugh is in a
rough position because he can't withdraw
obviously and perhaps shouldn't without
his reputation being shattered and if he
doesn't get nominated the same thing his
life is basically over so but on the
other hand he's tangled up in a scandal
that's of sufficient murk and mud so
that it isn't self-evident that he can
serve as a Supreme Court justice without
having every single one of his decisions
especially in contentious cases produce
a tremendous amount of social upheaval
over the next two or three decades and
it isn't obvious that that's a great
move forward now it might be fine I mean
there's been controversy around other
Supreme Court justice nominations and
that seems to have basically sorted
itself out and I already said just
because you're thinking something
through doesn't mean you're right it's a
it's a it's a simulation so I thought
well if I was in Cavanaugh's position
and I felt that my
candidacy had been compromised
perhaps through no fault of my own I
have not saying anything about his
innocence or guilt but that my candidacy
had been compromised by this
interminable and ugly scandal and that
meant that my tenure on the Supreme
Court might be marked by culturally
divisive controversy in the long run
maybe it would be better for me to be
nominated to say look it's too murky
it's too muddy and I don't think the
country is best served by my accepting
the nomination then the Conservatives
can nominate another candidate get their
person on the Supreme Court so there's
no necessary loss there and perhaps we
could move forward with a minimum
relative minimum of divisiveness now
look in my blog I laid out all the
reasons why that isn't a good idea like
here maybe if you just give me five
seconds I can read some of them because
I tried to make a steel man case for why
my idea wasn't a good one my idea about
him withdrawing so just give me one
second and I'll read all the potential
objections just so that you know that
I've thought them through so perhaps the
Democrat opposition would mount a
similar campaign against my putative
successor well that's certainly possible
I said well that would provide virtually
unassailable evidence for the purely
manipulative and political motivation of
the accusers forcing them to duplicate
their strategy a second time that would
help reveal the machination for what
they were in the manner that would be
virtually and done undeniable perhaps
time is of the essence and there'd be no
way to place another candidate of
conservative leaning on the bench before
the November elections as they say
however act in haste repent in leisure
okay and then other other arguments
against my position here they are
oh yes if Cavanaugh withdrew after being
nominated here's what might happen it
would be read as an admission of guilt
on his part it would embolden those who
would use reputation destruction as a
political maneuver it would weaken the
generally and vitally important idea of
the presumption of innocence it would
indicate weakness on the part of the
Republicans at a key moment prior to the
November elections it would mean that an
innocent man has been successfully
pilloried by a mob it would validate the
use of allegations of past behavior well
past any reasonable expiry date as a
weapon it would destroy the Republican
opportunity to choose a Supreme Court
justice hand the Democrats an unearned
victory and bitter a large percentage of
the conservative base who would regard
the withdrawal as a betrayal and last
and perhaps least violate my own
personal adage for what that's worth of
don't apologize if you haven't done
anything wrong okay so I understand the
weaknesses of that position um I was
putting it forward as a potential third
alternative now look it's perfectly
reasonable to put things to doubt to put
things forward as alternatives that's
thinking now having said that I made
some mistakes okay so the first mistake
was don't tweet complicated ideas in 140
characters about contentious issues in
the midst of a controversy at 2:00 in
the morning right bad idea and so one of
the consequences of this for me is that
I've withdrawn quite a lot over the last
three weeks from Twitter its Twitter is
a very dangerous platform and so I'm
taking a break from it while I'm reading
its utility and so I because I talked to
my son about this before and other
members of my family and we had agreed
that I wasn't going to post anything on
Twitter that should be made into a blog
but the problem with Twitter is that it
and/or the problem with me who knows
where the problem is is that Twitter
invites and facilitates impulsive
responding and so I'm not convinced that
it's necessarily a good platform for me
I of all the places that I tend to get
into trouble twitter is sort of at the
top of the list
now I laid out in my blog why I still
use it I feel some moral obligation to
the almost a million people who follow
me on Twitter for example and there's an
addictive quality to it too you know I'm
following a lot of these people in the
intellectual dark web and seeing what
they're up to and trying to keep an eye
on the cultural climate let's say and
it's not easy to figure out for me as it
sure is the case for all of you exactly
how much you should be exposed to such
things and how much you should protect
yourself I mean a case could certainly
be made that I should stay the hell off
Twitter and do nothing but write for the
next year because it's not like I have
any shortage of things to write about so
I'm trying to sort that out so that's my
explanation and and it could easily be
that as I said it could easily be that
the idea that I put forward wasn't the
best idea you know who knows what the
best ideas may be the best idea was for
Cavanaugh to do exactly what he did
who knows so and more you know good luck
to him into the Supreme Court I hope it
all stabilizes that would be lovely and
it has happened before and so maybe it
will again so all right
I took the understand myself test and
have a question okay so they understand
my self test at understand myself calm
for all of the those of you who don't
know is a personality test it's based on
the big five extraversion neuroticism
agreeableness conscientiousness openness
it breaks each of them down into two
fundamental aspects that have been
empirically validated and so you can
take that test I put a code in the
description of this video
I think the code is October you can use
that code for self authoring and for
understand myself and there's a 20%
discount for that so if you want to do
that only takes about 15 minutes to do
the understand my self test by the way
the self authoring program that requires
more effort you have to do that over a
number of days but you can do it badly
as I said and you need a plan man you
need to know where you are
that's the autobiographical part and you
need a plan for the future so it's worth
it even though it's hard it it's not as
hard as stumbling through your life
blindly okay I took they understand my
self test and have a question should I
take the results as
is and live trying to cope with them or
can I try to change them to some degree
all right so the first thing is I would
say well take the results as they are to
some degree now it depends look you got
to be careful because if you take a
personality test like this and you're
depressed so you know the future looks
really bleak to you the present looks
bleak when you look into the past almost
everything looks negative you know
you're not taking any pleasure in things
you feel bad perhaps even worse in the
morning you you're you're you can't see
any light in your life you're very
self-critical perhaps you're depressed
then if you're depressed your
personality scores are going to look
they're going to be skewed as a
consequence of that and so they might be
more negative because of the mindset
that you have when you take the test
then they truly are so I'm assuming with
this answer that you're not depressed so
should I take the results as is and live
trying to cope with them well one thing
is you should at least give yourself
some credit it's like you're a
particular way so let's say you're low
in openness just for the sake of
argument let's say you're low and
openness and moderately high in
conscientiousness you're a more
conservative person you're probably
going to be happier if you take a more
conservative path in life you're going
you're not if you're low and openness
you're not that creative you're not
gonna be interested in aesthetics you're
not gonna be interested even in ideas to
that graded degree it's not your area of
fascination you're more practical in
concrete and perhaps and and also less
flighty and less prone to to creative
error there's advantages to you know
because most creative people are fonts
of ideas that won't work and that will
occupy a tremendous amount of counter
productive time in their implementation
that's the downside to creativity false
positives um if you're disagreeable well
then you're gonna try to work somewhere
where competent competitiveness is
useful if you're high in neuroticism
then you're probably going to have to
find a job where the stress levels
aren't too high if you're introverted
you want to find a place where you could
work and spend a fair bit of time by
your
you know you want to match your
environment to your personality
that's adaptation to some degree now if
you're really high in neuroticism for
example and you're too anxious and then
there are things that you can do about
that you know that that's something you
might want to you if it's really out of
hand say if your 98th percentile or
above something like that and it's also
making you suffer because you're too
anxious and too risk-averse and too
volatile you might want to consider
something like counseling to see if you
can get your anxiety levels down or to
learn to meditate or to learn to control
your breathing or or or or or to talk to
someone to see if there's some
physiological reason for that now you
can change but like if you're
introverted you can develop social
skills but you kind of have to do them
one at a time you know because it's not
something that comes naturally to you
and it might not be something that you
developed as a child you have to
consciously plan a social strategy so
you might say well I'm introverted I
should go out with someone for lunch
once a week I should see friends twice a
week right you should you need to make a
plan for social interactions and if
you're extroverted and you can't stand
being alone well then you might practice
being alone a little bit so that you can
learn how to spend some quality time on
yourself and not be so dependent on the
company of others if you're an agreeable
person too agreeable then you'll need to
figure out what it is that you want what
you're resentful about and what you need
to negotiate about on your own behalf
and if you're really disagreeable then
you might want to think hard about
consciously deciding that once a week or
so you're going to try to do something
for someone else and there's a research
literature on that actually it indicates
quite clearly that if you consciously
plan to do something altruistic on a
regular basis it does seem to improve
overall well-being and I think that's
particularly important for disagreeable
people because they don't do that
naturally it doesn't come to them
naturally so I think that you the
general advice is find an environment
where your temperament works and then
the more specific advice is while having
said that it doesn't hurt to expand your
10
government if you're introverted you
should be able to do what extroverted
people do and if you're extroverted you
should be able to spend time alone you
should develop those as skills if you're
an agreeable person you should learn how
to negotiate for yourself in a
tough-minded manner and if you're
disagreeable you should learn to take
other people into consideration more if
you're unconscious wouldn't hurt to have
a schedule like a Google Calendar to
start working on that because low
conscientiousness is going to interfere
with your long-term success and if
you're hyper conscientious well you
might need to learn to relax a little
bit and to make that a priority so and
if you're high in openness well I don't
have a quick answer for what you do if
you're high and openness oh I do I guess
I do to some degree try to focus it on
one thing to some degree on one thing
and get good at that because when you're
open you're flying out all over the
place laterally and you can easily
become a dilettante so one of the things
you have to do if you're high in
openness is develop true expertise in at
least one place you can even pick it
somewhat arbitrarily given that you're
interested in everything commit to
something if you're low in openness and
a little closed off compared to what you
should be a little narrow-minded let's
say and conventional maybe you should
read a book a week join a book club
that's a good thing to do um that's a
that's a good start join a book club um
and and and and open yourself up a
little bit go see a movie now and then
as well that would also be helpful you
know and and that'll widen you out a bit
and that's important you know it's
important for your career and all that
sort of thing you want to you know your
temperaments puts you in a certain place
in the distribution and it isn't so much
that you want to move the place is that
you want to move the variability so that
you can be what you need to be when the
situation demands and that doesn't mean
to blow in the wind it means to be
adaptable instead of constrained tightly
by your biological predisposition and
you can learn that it's painstaking it
it requires a lot of effort but you can
learn it so my daughter
school is now teaching gender as a
social construct for sexist avoids
naming boys and girls what do we do
leaving is not an option well I guess
the first question is I'll just take you
at your word that leaving is not an
option it certainly might not be an
option um I would say your best bet and
this is a casual piece of advice because
I don't know your particular situation
is to find out how many parents
there are around who are also not happy
about this and then start to strategize
I mean look to some degree what people
just define as gender is a social
construct so let's look at it this way
so there are things that make men men
and that make women women that are
universal across cultures so let's say
except for tiny variations external
genitalia so but then there are things
that do vary across culture with regards
to whether they're regarded as masculine
or feminine male or female and those are
more learned so let's say that external
genitalia is not a social construct it's
not learned if we can't agree on that
then we're not going to be able to have
a discussion at all so but there are
some things about male behavior and some
things about female behavior that are
culture specific and learned and so to
that degree gender is a social construct
so so you know you have to give the
devil his due but the problem isn't
teaching that gender is a social
construct the problem is teaching the
gender is only a social construct and
that's just wrong it's absolutely wrong
as soon as someone's doing that then you
know that you're dealing with an
ideologue and the research evidence on
that for example is crystal clear apart
from the fact that there are
morphological differences between men
and women which
quite obvious you could name a variety
of the men have wider jaws they have
larger teeth they can bite harder they
have thicker skulls as women certainly
can attest to from a psychological
perspective they are more powerful in
the upper body they can punch a lot
harder there they can throw more
naturally there there they they tend to
weigh more they tend to be taller that
sexual dimorphism human beings are
relatively sexually dimorphic as far as
primates and other mammals go they
there's difference in obviously
waist-hip ratio women's elbows order a
different angle they have finer bones
women have a subcutaneous layer of body
fat that men don't have women are a
little bit more pain resistant made more
pain tolerant they're also they also
have very high levels of stamina women
tend to be have a little edge in verbal
ability men tend to have a little edge
in spatial ability and then there are
apart from the straight physiological
differences there are psychological
differences there's a variety of them
women are more enthusiastic men are more
assertive
that's extraversion women are higher in
withdrawal and in volatility that's on
the neuroticism front women are more
agreeable and more polite that's on the
agreeableness front men are more
industrious slightly and women are more
orderly that's on the conscientious
front and women are higher in openness
proper and men are higher in interest in
ideas and that's on the openness front
and those differences aren't huge
there's more overlap between the genders
the sexes than there are and there is
lack of overlap but the difference is
magnify at the extremes and they also
maximize in societies that are
egalitarian and then the biggest
difference between men and women that we
know of psychologically is that men are
more prone to be interested in things
and women are more prone to be
interested in people and that's actually
quite a large difference by
Psychological standards and there isn't
any evidence that that is socially
constructed the
evidence is that as you make societies
more egalitarian those differences
actually get bigger rather than smaller
and even the London Times three weeks
ago wrote an editorial describing and
not yet another study that demonstrated
that so that's like six and they're huge
scale studies pointing out that this the
fact that the differences between men
and women get bigger in more egalitarian
societies is now one of the most well
established findings in all of the
social sciences thus demonstrating for
example that poor James d'amour was
correct despite the fact that Google
fired him for being accurate in his
analysis of the scientific literature
okay so you've got the facts on your
side problem is is you don't know what
to do well there's only one of you and
that's not a good number if you're gonna
mount a campaign you enoyed about this
well write down exactly what you're
annoyed about what bothers you about
this okay what would you like to have
happen because you need to know what the
problem is and you need to know what
this solution is then you have to start
thinking about strategy and one strategy
is you need some allies you need some
people on your side now if this is
bothering you the probability that it's
bothering most people is very high
because it's very rare especially with
something like this I mean I would say
and I think the data support this is
that the overwhelming majority of people
do not believe that gender is a social
construct that there are four sexes and
that avoiding naming boys and girls is a
good idea so you've got unless you're in
a very progressive place in which case
mmm that's its own problem you got to
find some people who would be willing to
go to bat with you and then you have to
find it's a political struggle it's a
bit of a war it's like okay who's
pushing this who's the ringleaders for
this you know it's it's certainly
possible that most of the teachers don't
want to do this either but they're
afraid to say anything so I would say
this is probably a two-year campaign and
you have to decide if this is something
that you want to put your time and
effort into and if you do you have to
conduct it like a like a war you know I
without the violence obviously but but
it's the right metaphor it's like what's
the set of problems who's causing them
what do you want to have happen as a
constant as an alternative how are you
gonna tackle this you're gonna talk to
your to your local public authorities
school authorities you're gonna talk to
the local politicians you know talk to
the principal are you gonna face down
the teachers are you gonna do that with
more than one of you are you gonna have
your arguments in order you know are and
and then on a more personal front what
are you going to do with your daughter
how are you going to educate her let's
say you decide not to take this on on
the political or public front then you
have to have conversation with her and
find out what she thinks you know
because she'll be doubtful and dubious
about all of this so a lot of that
should be asking her questions you know
so yeah that's the best I can do with
that would you consider adding a realist
of recommended movies to your website
yes I've thought about that also a
recommended list of books for for young
people it's on the hypothetical list of
things to do but I haven't done it yet
so and I don't think that it's likely to
make it up the priority list for a while
because I'm pretty booked out for the
next who knows how long a while um can I
understand myself or other big five to s
be retaken after some time eg one to two
years and be fairly accurate I ask
because I believe I have changed well
you might have changed I mean look first
of all people do change as they mature
personality is relatively stable across
time but relatively stable doesn't mean
completely stable it means that you know
if you were extremely extroverted the
probability that in five years you're
going to be extremely introverted is
very low but if you were extremely
extroverted it's conceivable that you
know in one or two years you'll be
moderately extroverted you can move and
some of that's some of that's
situational some of it's learning some
of it's maturation so one of the most
reliable findings in the personality
literature is that as people get older
they get more conscientious more
agreeable and more emotionally stable
less neurotic and that those three
traits clump to make a super trait
called we called it stability so people
get more stable as they get older you
know and I've seen people learn to be
more conscientious that's for sure that
happens that happens I think whenever
you take people who are who are young
and sort of flighty and put them through
a rigorous apprenticeship program you
know where they discipline themselves
and I've seen people become certainly
become less lower in neuroticism and
less agreeable for that matter so so yes
you can take them sure take it again two
years later and and and see you know the
other thing you can do if you're really
curious about your personality is have
some other people take the personality
test about you because you know some
things about your personality and
they're accurate to some degree
self-report has some degree of accuracy
but then you can get information from
other people as well and so that's
another way of determining you know of a
helping of helping get an accurate
picture of who you are so you can change
the more dramatic to change the more
effort is required that's a good way of
thinking about it so we know for example
that you can change IQ with shift and
socioeconomic status so imagine that you
have identical twins separated at Birth
and you know you put one twin into a
relatively well-off family and one twin
into a relatively poor family and let's
assume that being rich has some
advantages with regards to intellectual
development you need a three standard if
I remember correctly you need a three
standard deviation might be four but you
need a three or four standard deviation
move upward in socioeconomic status to
produce a one standard deviation
increase in IQ so you have to move from
something like the fifth percentile I
might have the stats a bit wrong because
I'm trying to do this on the fly you
have to move from the bottom fifth
percentile to the top fifth percentile
in wealth to move from average
intelligence to eighth
fifth percentile in intelligence so you
can change as a consequence of the
situation but the bigger that changed
the more costly and that could be costly
in terms of resources or effort so
wouldn't you like doing a podcast with
Elon Musk let's start an initiative for
this yes I would like to do a podcast
with Elon Musk I know people who know
him but we've never met yes I'm sure
that would be ridiculously fun so if you
want to start an initiative for that you
go right ahead and who knows maybe it'll
bear fruit um I am going to be
concentrating more on my podcast in a
few months I'm contracting with a
professional company to develop it so
that it well for a variety of reasons so
that it moves higher up on the priority
list so I have a better studio so that I
have some staff to help me schedule
interviews there's lots of people I want
to talk to authors and scientists and
politicians and and and so I'm quite
excited about that so so and I would
love to talk to Elon Musk so I'm sure
that would be ridiculously fun I would
would love to find out I'd like to ask
him about his thought process and also
I'm really curious about how in the
world he manages to do multiple
impossible things because doing one
impossible thing is impossible but doing
like five impossible things is the
product of five impossibilities and that
just seems like hyper impossible but
he's managed it you know I mean think
about it think about what he did he
built an electric car which is like hard
and then he built a rocket and then he
blasted the car into space on his rocket
like that that's not that's not real
that doesn't happen but it did happen
and he did it and so I would really I
would love to talk to him I think that
would be extremely extremely interesting
how do you fight a monster without
becoming one yourself you don't you
become a monster
by fighting with a monster but it's
actually a good thing to become a
monster you see the difference is and
really this is the answer to your
question
you could stay naive and that's not good
because you're vulnerable and you're not
useful if you're naive so that's a bad
situation so let's say well instead of
being naive you decide you're going to
go confront the monster okay well the
problem with that is that you become the
monster all right so how do you deal
with that and the answer is to do it
voluntarily to do it voluntarily because
if you develop your monstrousness
voluntarily then perhaps you can bring
it under civilized control right you can
integrate those those that capacity for
mayhem and destruction that you develop
within yourself you can integrate that
within a comprehensive and properly
directed practical philosophy and so
that means that you're disciplined you
know like a warrior isn't a monster so
you have to you have to align you have
to discipline your monstrosity and you
do that by developing it voluntarily
look you see this sort of thing
happening all the time in classic hero
stories like if you look at the story of
the hobbit for example like Bilbo
I think Bilbo is the Hobbit right
Frodo's the next one let me just look
that up yeah okay it's Bilbo good that's
what I thought now Bilbo when he starts
when this Hobbit starts the book
Bilbo lives in this little protected
area so it's like it's like the castle
that the Buddha grows up in all the bad
things are outside of it and the reason
for that actually is because the kingdom
is guarded by these descendants of great
kings the Striders who they're hobbits
have some contempt for cuz they kind of
look like tramps Aragorn is one of them
so the descendants of great kings patrol
the borders and keep the naive
inhabitants of the Shire safe and
they're naive and they go about their
day to day work and nothing really
threatens them and there's no monsters
around and because they don't have any
real challenges and
they're peaceful in their wealth and
security they think they're good but
they're not they're just naive and
undisciplined and relatively weak and so
they're not prepared for anything when
all hell breaks loose they're there
they're like they're like they're like
bait they're like prey you know so and
of course the wizard Gandalf knows this
now despite the fact that the shire-folk
are rather small and a bit comical and
tremendously naive they do have a latent
ability for courage and and and
forthrightness and Gandalf can really
see this in the one Hobbit Bilbo and so
he tells Bilbo that darkness is brewing
on the outs in the Outlands outside of
protected territory absolutely classic
mythological representation it's the
same in the Lion King where Mustafa
tells Simba that his kingdom is
everything that the light falls on and
that he's not to journey outside of that
domain right that's the elephant
graveyard and death and all of that
that's outside of the shire let's say
it's outside of paradise it's outside of
the walled city it's outside of your
domain of knowledge well that's where
that's where that's where malevolence
and chaos Bruce now you see that again
and in the Lion King because that's
where scar and the hyenas go off to to
conspire and turn into what are
essentially jackbooted Nazis before they
take over the pride land same idea okay
well so what happens to Bilbo when he
goes off to confront the dragon um he
has to become a thief right which is
very picky it's very it's very strange
ethically because while Bilbo wasn't a
thief and you think what's better to be
to not be a thief than to be a thief and
the answer to that it's very hard answer
very complicated answer and it's not one
to be dealt with lightly it's not it's
not good to be moral if the reason that
your moral is because you cannot be
otherwise that's the naivety issue right
so naivety is not morality
and if you're terrified to be a thief
and you have no skill at it and you're
not a thief
that doesn't mean you're good now if you
could be the best thief in the world man
you were one sneaky character and and
and fast on your feet and a real
strategic thinker and capable of
breaking rules when necessary and
scaling walls and climbing houses and
infiltrating parties and plotting for
the long run and then you decided not to
do it well then then that's a whole
different story then you're a moral
animal right so you need that capacity
for criminality you need the capacity
for criminality you need the capacity of
evil and you need to have mastered that
and that's what makes you good and so
well that's what happens in the Hobbit
is that Bilbo has to develop his dark
side his shadow and he does that you
know and and well he's a thief in a
variety of ways he ends up stealing the
ring which is really interesting and of
course that leads into the Lord of the
Rings so and and and but you know the
look he doesn't get away scot-free from
developing his dark side like he's
touched by evil from then on in he's got
the ring problem and that's a big one
that thing that might possess him
because he's got too close to it it's
like Harry Potter Potter and his scar
and the fact that he has a bit of
Voldemort in him it's exactly the same
idea or the strange affinity that the
Joker insists upon and Joker in Batman
um when when Bilbo comes back to the
shire like he's never one of the hobbits
again he's always an outsider he's got a
glimmer of magic and danger about him
and that makes people respect him but
they also they also think that he's
unconventional in an unacceptable way
and you know kind of make a wide berth
around him because now he's contaminated
with with evil and the unknown even
though that makes him a much better
character all things considered and a
real fighter in the battle between good
and evil and the person who's gone out
and confronted the dragon and got the
treasure all of that so well the pathway
- from naivety to the full development
of character is associated with the
development in the Union sense of the
shadow and that's that capacity for
mayhem and malevolence that needs to be
brought under control so yes it's it's
it's
it's complicated and and that doesn't
mean that you're justified in going out
and breaking rules because you think
that you're building your character you
know it's not that simple if you look at
if you look at stories like Harry Potter
you know all of Harry's crew breaks
rules but they only break a rule when
not breaking it would break a
higher-order rule and that's still
morally ambivalent right because the
best pathway forward is to violate no
conventions to do the right thing and
violate new conventions nope no
conventions but now and then you're in a
terrible situation where you can you can
do a small bad thing or a large bad
thing or you can allow a large bad thing
to happen by by by not by by failing to
break a rule that often happens in Harry
Potter so then you're in in trouble and
part of being wise and oriented towards
the good is to know when breaking a rule
is the right thing to do even though you
shouldn't break rules so Canada has
legalized marijuana what are your
thoughts it's about time that's my
thoughts I think that once a certain
number of people break a law then it's
not reasonable to have the law that's
part of it it isn't obvious to me that
it was irrational in some sense to have
for marijuana to be illegal especially
given that alcohol is legal because they
all calls way more dangerous than
marijuana I'm more or less libertarian
on this front it's like smoke your damn
pot and try not to act like too much of
a when you're stoned that's what
it looks like to me so and I kind of
feel that way
across the spectrum of consciousness
altering substances it's like you you I
think that the danger of restricting
people's freedoms unnecessarily is more
dangerous
than the danger of not restricting them
and so you're entitled to go to hell in
a handbasket in your own manner and
hopefully but I do think that if you're
going to engage or indulge in your
favorite drug of abuse that you should
be as little amount of annoying to
everyone around you as you possibly can
be then I would also say with regards to
drug trade in general is that here's a
bunch of consequences of the war on
drugs lot of them unexpected first of
all terrible incarceration rate
especially in the United States that's
not so good second is the dumping of
hundreds of millions or billions of
dollars into the hands of like serious
criminals and the destabilization of
much of Central America as a consequence
tremendous violence as a consequence and
then the enriching of people who are
these are seriously committed dangerous
criminals and to give them that much
power is a bad idea
so maybe the government has to tax and
regulate like it does with cigarettes
and it does with alcohol and to some
degree it does with gambling then the
next issue is one of the consequences
now of the the the classification of
certain drugs as illegal is that the
chemists are faster than the legislators
and so what they do is they keep making
variants of addictive drugs and now
instead of a dozen drugs of abuse which
is what we had say twenty years ago we
have like 300 and some of them are way
more addictive than the original drugs
and so it isn't it doesn't look like
good policy to me and I know that places
like Portugal for example have
decriminalized every drug of abuse and
it doesn't look like it's been a
catastrophe so well we'll see right we
legalize marijuana yesterday there's no
the streets aren't full of stoned people
bumping into walls nothing's changed I
hope it works I hope that the government
regulates it properly that they derive
tax revenue from it and that people use
part
and that people use alcohol a little
less that would be good because alcohol
is a very dangerous drug so okay so I'm
going to go for eight more minutes I
have to stop comparatively early today
because I have to pack and then I have
to go to Dublin and so just to warn you
all so
do you have any advice on how to vet a
potential marriage partner during the
dating relationship phase god that's a
hard question okay so while I can tell
you what I've observed as a consequence
of watching you know all the married
people successful and unsuccessful who I
know but also watching all my clients
and giving this a fair bit of thought
here here's some of what's necessary for
a successful marriage you have to trust
the person that doesn't mean they can't
make mistakes because you're gonna make
mistakes and so are they but
fundamentally you have to trust them and
what that means is that you have to
trust that if things go wrong if they
make a mistake they'll do what was
necessary in conjunction with you to set
it right you have to be able to
negotiate with the person and those two
things are tied very very close together
so if you you guys have to be able to
have a conversation about what it is
that you want to do come to a conclusion
moderate your differences move forward
and have that work you have to be able
to fight and make up both of those if
you can't fight with your potential
marriage partner then you're not
communicating because there's just no
bloody way that you're gonna get along
there's no way you're gonna agree on
everything that's just not going to
happen so you you have to be honest with
one another enough to have some conflict
but then you have to be able to make up
that's a huge deal man because well then
you get to have conflict and solve
problems and make up
so trust negotiation conflict resolution
the next thing I would say is what's
it's kind of nice if you're attracted to
each other you know if there's a strong
sexual attraction there it isn't obvious
to me that that's something that can be
conjured up it
doesn't exist I haven't seen that happen
successfully it's that seems to depend
on factors that aren't really under
voluntary control you know I mean
obviously people can modify themselves
to some degree to be more or less
attractive staying in physical shape and
and and that sort of thing dressing
nicely and and and having a certain
amount of sex appeal and charisma and
provocative nough stats all there but
that's that's all well and good and it's
important but I do believe that that
spark that's outside of voluntary
control is a necessary precondition for
a long-lasting relationship I do believe
though that if it's there you still have
to work very hard to maintain it as hard
in your marriage as you would when
you're dating and you need to know that
then I it's also helpful if you actually
like the person you know if they're your
friend that you actually like to go do
things with them sort of independent of
the romantic element you know if they're
you don't need to want to do everything
together but you should have some things
that you like to do in common so some
similarity and personality is useful the
personality scale is useful for that
like look here here it's really hard for
an extreme extrovert and an extreme
introvert to live together because the
extreme extrovert wants to be with
people all the time and the extreme
introvert is immediately exhausted by
that and it's neither of those things
are precisely under voluntary control
um it's really hard for someone super
agreeable and super disagreeable to get
along together because the agreeable
person isn't going to be able to stand
up very well to the disagreeable person
and the disagreeable person is going to
think that the agreeable person is a
pushover that's rough it's very hard for
someone hi and openness and someone very
low and openness to be together because
the open person is like fascinated by
ideas and really interested in
aesthetics and art and philosophy and
poetry and all of that and the person
who's low and openness it's like they're
color blind to that it's not in their
realm of involuntary interest
conscientiousness the same thing if if
you if you're very
conscientious person very diligent nose
to the grindstone industrious and
orderly and your partner can wile away
the time with no problem whatsoever and
doesn't mind a mess and disorder then
that's the the conscientious person is
going to think that the unconscious
person is useless and the unconscious
person is going to think that the
conscientious person is an uptight
tyrant and that's very very hard to
overcome it'sit's like a fatal flaw
so those extreme personality differences
across more than one or two traits is
gonna make your relationship
extraordinarily difficult so the only
place where that might be different is
that you know you probably don't want to
both be high in neuroticism so like if
one of you is high in neuroticism and
the other isn't that's kind of a nice
balance because one of you will be a
little alert to threat and the other one
will calm the one who's alert to threat
down if you're both low in neuroticism
well then that's not gonna be too much
of a problem although you might be a
little bit less risk-averse than you
should be but mostly you want a fair bit
of similarity in terms of personality
then I guess the other thing is is that
well do you have something like a shared
vision of the future you know like how
are you going to mediate the inevitable
conflict between whose career takes
priority and and what about kids do you
both want kids and if you do want kids
when do you want them and how many do
you want
and what's your sense about who's
responsible for what win with regards to
the kids and the same when you're
running a household it's like do you
have some sense of do you have enough
shared belief so that running a
household together is something that is
with a peaceful household and a
productive household is within the realm
of possibility so there that's that's
that's what it looks like to me so
that's a lot of things
so you said you act as if God exists do
you also act as if the devil exists man
I think I probably act even more as if
the devil exists because it's a
in some sense it's a lot more easy for
me and I think it is for most people I'm
it's easy it's easier for me to believe
in the reality of malevolence and evil
and to be terrified about that getting a
grip on me than it is to be optimistic
and naive about the possibility of
transcendent good like it it's just that
it it's not that I am skeptical about
the reality of transcendent good I mean
fundamentally I believe that good is
more powerful than evil I do believe
that but there's something palpable
about evil that is and it's also
undeniable
it's like well you can debate about
whether or not heaven exists you know
and you could even be skeptical but you
can't debate about whether the Gulag
Archipelago exists and you can't debate
about arsh wits and you can't debate
about the fact that people's proclivity
towards blindness and malevolence
produced those horrors and the horrors
that people often encounter in their day
to day world and in the relationship so
it's very easy for someone like me to be
a believer in evil and to try to turn
away from that and so and but but
through deep contemplation you know I've
come to the conclusion that the ability
of human beings to turn away from evil
and to pursue good is more powerful than
malevolence itself but that's more of
its funny that's more of a that fills me
with with hope and end and awe
I I guess is the right word when I can
bring it to mind and think that we can
in fact defeat malevolence but sort of
on a moment-to-moment basis the
malevolence is so palpable and so real
that it's a more powerful it's a more
powerful motivator for for avoidance I
don't mean avoidance of responsibility I
mean avoidance of walking down that path
and I think that's probably in keeping
with the cycle of well-known
psychological doctrine that people are
more loss averse than they are gain
sensitive you know so a loss of
Eck's it upsets you more to lose five
dollars than it does make you happy to
gain five dollars that's that's a
well-known psychological fact and it's
because we're more sensitive to
punishment and negative emotion and
that's because well you can die in agony
but you can only be so happy so yes I
certainly act as if the devil exists I
would say and I think I probably
believed in the devil so to speak
speaking metaphorically before I
believed in God speaking metaphorically
I became convinced of the reality of
evil and that really and not only that
not only convinced of the reality of
evil but also convinced that everyone
was destined to play their part in that
including me and that it would be better
if I played the least part in that as
possible you know and that sort of
brings us back to this book you know as
Solzhenitsyn said the line that divides
good from evil runs down the heart of
every individual right it's an internal
thing Nora
it's not between States it's not between
groups it's between elements of our
psyche and our individual responsibility
is to work to ameliorate suffering and
to constrain malevolence and to start
with ourselves and so that's a good
place to end so thank you all very much
for your continued support for paying
attention to this QA for everything that
you've offered to me over the last few
years it's been an absolutely
overwhelming experience for example to
go out and do these lectures they're
unbelievably positive experiences to see
all these thousands of people come out
to engage in a serious discussion about
vision and strategy and responsibility
and individual sovereignty and the the
possibility that we could all aim
together acting individually towards at
least a less hellish future
that's really something so that's good
guys so till next time till November and
I'll put out this video on associates
and preface I'll put that out before
November 1st that'll probably be next on
the next on the list and so it's off to
Europe and we'll talk to you all soon
thanks very much bye for now