[Music]
Johnny and his girlfriend Rachel weren't
getting on well after two years together
there were lots of arguments sometimes
quite stormy ones when one night Johnny
smashed his fist through the kitchen
door a friend suggested he might try
therapy it felt odd at first to be in a
room with a stranger who wanted nothing
more than to listen to him closely she
asked what the fights between him and
Rachel were about oh this and that said
Johnny
was there anything else he was sad about
in his relationship sad was a useful
word to use
it made Johnny feel that his anger
wasn't some kind of horrible madness
which was the vibe he tended to get from
all other observers his anger was coming
from a place of weakness and inadequacy
which crucially the therapist could
understand and not immediately judge him
for there was a lot of sadness around
sex Johnny and Rachel had been going for
months without too much of it Johnny
would try sliding a hand over gently but
Rachel would subtly ignore him
pretending to fall asleep the rejection
was silently killing Johnny and was at
the root of his increasing coldness and
snappiness with Rachel that must feel
pretty painful to be turned down so the
therapist in such a sympathetic way that
Johnny who was an ex-marine felt tears
welling up Johnny began talking of his
childhood he'd grown up in Texas and had
never known his father his mother had
been beautiful volatile and an alcoholic
he'd always had a sense that he was a
burden to her he'd been a chubby boy
slow at school and shy at home when he
was 14 she'd left him in the care of her
sister and had gone to live with a lover
in Chicago Johnny his mother rarely saw
each other now beneath Johnny's outward
strength not far beneath was a sense he
was unacceptable to the core of his
being unable to sustain even his own
mother's interest the feeling of
self-loathing and shame was easy to
reawaken and Rachel sexual disinterest
played right into it
the problem was that Johnny wasn't good
at translating his hurt into anything
another person could understand let
alone sympathize with him for we tend
not to be endeared by people who call us
rude words and break furniture however
vulnerable they might be feeling inside
Rachel had come to see her boyfriend as
a bully not a hurt lost boy though that
was beneath it all
perhaps precisely what he was the
therapist suggested something as basic
as it was brilliant rather than trying
and failing to have sex Johnny should
tell Rachel a little bit more about what
it felt like to be him when his hand Lai
rejected untouched by her in the bed
most importantly he had to stay calm
when he explained himself to her on the
basis that unlike when he'd been young
he now had agency and choice and a
possibility of maturity put like this
Rachel understood at once she didn't
have some macho guy in her hands she was
picking up on echos of a lost scared boy
whom she actually cried for when it was
explained to her like this it wasn't
that Johnny and Rachel immediately had
sex all the time
Rachel's job often left her not in the
mood but the meaning of the lack of sex
changed between them
Rachel understood how johnny might
interpret her tiredness and took steps
to reassure him of her basic love for
him
Johnny better understood why rejection
had a habit of stirring up such
uncontrollable hurt in him Johnny
gradually lost the old sense of
helplessness
she isn't my mother and I'm not a little
boy at her mercy
he stated one day in therapy and it felt
like the most obvious and momentous of
points Johnny took on board what
belonged to the past and what belongs to
now the therapy lasted over a year
Johnny and Rachel are going to be
married soon
the School of Life offers therapy in
person or over Skype click here for
details
you