Starting with the Grammy Awards.
Yesterday, the full list of nominations was announced
and Beyonce is leading the pack with nine nominations, which
amazingly, which amazingly, ties her
with her husband Jay-Z for the all time record
of 83 nominations.
Yeah, yeah, makes your hashtag marriage goals look like shit.
Oh, and congratulations to Amanda Gorman,
the poet who got her first nomination
for Best Spoken Word Album.
That's pretty amazing.
Congratulations to her.
And to Joe Biden, who got a nomination for best
we think those words album?
Well done, sir, well done.
In tech news.
Elon Musk is continuing his makeover of Twitter
by telling employees that from now
on, the work environment will be quote,
"extremely hard core."
Yeah, and they should prepare themselves.
But if anyone insults him, he'll call his mommy
and fire them.
That's not hard core, it's just mean.
And by the way, I don't know if he afford
to fire any more employees.
He's already fired half of the company.
Pretty soon Elon Musk is going to be the only one
working at Twitter.
We're going to be sitting there like, why haven't my tweets
updated for like 20 minutes?
And Elon will be like, sorry, I was taking a shit,
it was so hard core.
All right, where was I?
Oh, in international news, NATO has announced
that the stray missiles that hit Poland yesterday
were not fired by Russia after all as was reported.
Yeah, they were actually Ukrainian missiles
being launched against Russian attackers.
So the good news, is that NATO doesn't have
to go to war against Russia.
The bad news is, it now has to go against Ukraine.
Yeah, rules are rules.
The rules are rules.
I'm just glad it wasn't what we thought it was.
And Poland is like, we still got bombed!
All right, let's move on to the big story of the day.
As you know, America's midterm election
was just one week ago.
The votes in many districts are still being counted.
The runoff for Georgia's Senate seat
is still three weeks away.
And Wolf Blitzer is still waking up
in the middle of the night shouting, key race alert!
Key race alert!
My point is, the 2022 midterms are not over,
which means now is the perfect time to start
covering the 2024 election.
[triumphant music]
There have been so many times over the last two years
when people have said that Donald Jobless
Trump was finished for sure.
They said he was finished when he
lost to an ancient artifact.
They said he was finished when he
was impeached for throwing a house
party without his parents' permission.
When he got his hand stuck under the fridge
trying to get a Cadbury Creme Egg
that rolled underneath there.
Just let go of the egg, Donald.
One thing people don't realize is, Donald Trump
doesn't care what anyone else thinks
about his political future.
And you saw that last night, because he swapped out
the buffet table at Mar-a-Lago for American flags
and made a big announcement.
On stage at his South Florida estate,
Donald Trump announcing the White House
run he's hinted at ever since his 2020 election defeat.
In order to make America great and glorious again,
I am tonight announcing my candidacy for president
of the United States.
The former President, impeached twice, including
for his role in the January 6 insurrection,
placing himself at the head of a movement
to take power back for his supporters.
This is our country, our government.
Now at the center of multiple investigations,
Mr. Trump said a weaponized justice system is
the greatest threat to the US.
We must conduct a top to bottom overhaul
to clean out the festering rot and corruption
of Washington, DC.
And I'm a victim, I will tell you, I'm a victim.
That's right, folks, I'm the biggest victim of all.
Every time I do something illegal, they come after me.
I've done 30 illegal things.
They've come after me at least 20 times.
It's so unfair, so unfair.
As ridiculous as this is, I'm actually glad
he's being honest about why he's running.
He's running for the same reason every shirtless guy
on cops runs.
The po-po is chasing him, he said it.
But this is what Trump does.
He's always the victim.
The poor billionaire who only owns 15 golf courses
and got to run the world's most powerful
country for four years.
Oh, woe is me, oh.
If Trump was a prince in a fairy tale,
the movie would suck and the princess
would never get saved.
You know?
The dwarves would be like, please, we
need you to save Snow White.
And he's like, who's going to save me?
Do you know how many stairs are in my castle?
I'm so tired.
Do you know how hard it is to pick from the lavish banquet
my servers prepare for me?
You'd be like, but she's poisoned to eternal sleep.
He'd be like, I wish I could sleep.
You know how hard it is to get comfortable in a bed of coins?
So hard.
But that's right, Trump is getting
the old team back together for one more
run at the White House.
And of course, I say that metaphorically, since most
of the old team is in jail.
The point is though, he's officially in the race.
And you have to admit, this is an interesting way to kick off
your presidential campaign.
Vote for me, I'm a whiny, pissed baby.
Because that's what most of his speech was about.
And apparently, he's not the only victim.
No, according to the Donald, running
America into the ground was also very hard on his family.
And it hasn't been a joy ride for our great First
Lady either.
I go home and she says, you look angry and upset.
I say, just leave me alone, I got it.
Hasn't been the easiest thing.
In fact, my one boy, stand up, Eric, I
think he got more subpoenas than any man
in the history of our country.
So unfair.
Al Capone, you all heard of the great gangster.
Al Capone got far less.
Billy the Kid got almost none.
Jesse James, no.
Eric Trump got more subpoenas.
He's a PhD in subpoenas.
They come from Congress, they.
Yeah, that's right.
No one suffered more from the Trump presidency
than the Trump family.
While the rest of you were living it up in your border
cages and enjoying an endless buffet of COVID,
Eric Trump was being asked to answer some questions.
What a hard life.
And look, to be fair, I will admit that Eric has gotten
more subpoenas than gunslingers like Billy
the Kid and Jesse James.
And those guys in the Wild West,
oh, they got a lot of subpoenas.
We've all seen the movies.
I have papers for Mr. Ugly.
Is Mr. Ugly here?
You know what?
You guys look busy.
I'll come back later, yeah?
And by the way, by the way, that story that he told,
that Trump told about him and Melania,
was anyone else as surprised as I
was to hear it was Trump telling
Melania to leave him alone?
Yeah, Melania was probably like, oh no,
anything but that, oh.
I'll give you some space.
How about forever?
Now you might be thinking this speech probably sucked, right?
Because you're not a fan of Donald Trump.
But it turns out, even the people
who were there to see him didn't exactly want to stay.
Trump displayed a fraction of his 2016 energy.
The speech ran twice as long as scheduled
and for long stretches, left his crowd restless and silent.
This was teleprompter Trump.
Low energy, very, very unusual.
He started to get bored and started to ad lib,
and it just turned into a rambling mess in my opinion.
Candidly, he was quite subdued, low energy.
I thought this speech tonight was lame.
I thought the crowd was lame.
Reporters inside the ballroom at Mar-a-Lago noticed
a handful of Trump supporters attempting
to leave before Trump was done speaking,
but security won't let them.
[laughs]
Oh, damn!
Say what you will about Trump, but the man takes
his border security seriously.
Nobody's getting out.
We're going to build a wall, build a wall, keep them in.
But for real though, you know a club is shitty when you need
a bouncer to keep people in.
That's when you know things are not going well.
And I actually feel bad for the crowd.
They were probably scared as hell.
They're like, oh no, we're trapped in here,
Trump has us locked up.
He's locked us up.
And you know.
[applause]
And you know, Trump aside, I will say,
I will say it is a little strange.
I'll be honest, I think it is a little strange
that so many people in the news media
were fixated on how boring the speech was.
Like, who cares?
For years they were like, this is not normal!
And now they're like, this is too normal!
Say something about the Mexicans.
We need ratings, Donald.
Now, despite Trump's triumphant return, the word on the street
is that he might not have the support that he needs to win.
Yeah, apparently, Republican elites are clamoring
for Ron DeSantis, all right.
Major Republican donors have announced that they
won't back Trump this time.
Even Ivanka released a statement
saying she doesn't want to be a part of the campaign.
Instead, she wants to focus on her family.
Which, of course, I understand.
I mean, she's got that adorable little boy at home.
And I think she has kids, you know.
So yeah, a lot of major players in the Republican world
are not thrilled that Donald Trump is running again.
Although apparently, many Democrats are happy.
Yeah, including people like Bernie Sanders, who said
Trump running may be a horror show for the country,
but "I got to say that as a politician who wants to see
that no Republican is elected to the White House
in 2024, from that perspective, his candidacy
is probably a good thing."
And yeah, you know, Bernie is probably right.
Democrats should be praying for Donald Trump
to win the nomination so that they can easily crush
him in the general election.
Yeah, that kind of thinking has never horribly backfired.
Just ask President Hillary Clinton.
What could go wrong?
But for real, people, are we really going to do this again?
Are we going to do everything the same?
The Democrats are going to hope to face Trump.
The media is going to write him off
because Republicans don't support him,
forgetting that Republicans didn't
support him the first time?
Then he got on stage, roasted Chris Christie,
slapped Jeb Bush so hard his whole family felt it.
And then all of a sudden, the whole Republican Party
was like, you are our king now.
And Ted Cruz's wife is ugly.
And before you say oh, but this time is different,
we beat him already.
Yeah, remember that he only lost to Joe Biden
by 44,000 votes.
And that was during a pandemic, where Trump told everyone
to bleach their lungs.
He's probably not going to do that again, probably.
And you're probably like, yeah, but this year, all of Trump's
MAGA election deniers lost.
Yeah, but they lost by like 1%, 1%.
Those are not [bleep] and find out margins, people.
Those are the kind of margins with anything
is a little bit different next time,
Trump could win those states.
Gas prices could be higher.
The economy could be worse.
Joe Biden could keep getting older.
Anything is possible.
But no, I guess everyone's going to act
out the same roles as 2016.
The Democrats are going to hope he wins.
Republicans aren't going to stand
up to him until it's too late.
And the news will give him live coverage for every single word
that he utters.
I just pooped again.
Breaking news!
But I'll tell you what, if we're
all going to do the same things again, just let me know now.
Because this time I'll be prepared.
I'll go visit all the shithole countries
before the borders are closed.
I'll invest in Tiki torches, and best believe,
I'm going to stock up on a shit ton of toilet paper,
because I'm not using my socks again, you hear me?
That is not happening again.
All right, that's it for the headlines.
But before we go, let's check in
on the traffic with our very own Roy Wood Jr., everybody!
[applause] [cheering]
What's happening, man?
What is happening, Roy?
What is happening in the traffic?
What do you mean what's happening in the traffic?
Why do you want me to turn around
and tell you to traffic? You facing the wall.
You tell me what's happening with the traffic.
Why is it so hard for you to tell me what's happening?
Just tell me what's happening in the traffic.
Not focused on the traffic right now.
I'm more focused on you telling us to take Trump serious.
Like, Trump don't take Trump serious.
What?
Trump don't take himself serious.
Bro, he announced it from the crib.
He announced, he ran for president,
he was upstairs in his drawers and it
was like, let me go downstairs real quick
and do this president thing.
He didn't even change his slogan.
He's just doing this to get rid of all the old MAGA
merch from last time, man.
Wait, what?
Hell, if he sell it all, he might drop out.
I bought three boxes of MAGA hats for democracy.
Plus, the other thing with this man, Trump deep down,
Trump know he can't beat DeSantis.
He be, look at DeSantis, look at that man, look at that man.
Them some bad bitch boots right there!
Trump could never.
Trump can't beat that man.
He got all the vote.
He got the conservative vote up top,
he got the gay vote down low.
He iron-clad.
Look, DeSantis looks so good in them boots,
Trump might try to grab him by the pussy.
Those are nice boots.
OK, you know what?
Let's just get, let's just get to the traffic, Roy.
Let's get to the traffic.
Here's a thing about Elon Musk.
Can we talk, can we talk about Elon Musk for a second?
I mean, I guess.
We're supposed to do traffic, but yeah.
Talking crazy to people in the emails.
Every day Elon doing something.
Send out that email telling all their employees to step it up.
Also, sidebar, if I worked at Twitter,
I just wouldn't open my emails.
Stop opening your email if you work at Twitter.
It's like divorce.
You got to hand me the papers.
You can't fire me if I don't open my email.
Elon been slinging them emails for two weeks, man,
and it ain't been no good news or nothing.
It ain't like you work at Twitter,
open your email, good news, everybody,
strippers in the break room.
Like, all right, thank you, Elon.
The email was wile.
Did you read the email that he sent out?
I read the emails. I read them, they were insane.
He had this whole thing.
He was like from now on we're going to be extremely
hard core, working long hours.
It was like high intensity.
Oh, and then he said like and only
exceptional performance will constitute a passing grade.
If you don't want to be part of the new Twitter,
then you can get out!
It's sounded crazy, to be honest.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, well, crazy for a CEO.
What do you mean?
Not that, like, it's crazy if a CEO said that.
That was Elon's mistake.
You want to talk to people like that, fine.
But you can't call yourself a CEO.
You want to talk to people crazy,
you got to call yourself a head coach.
Why?
Nobody, nobody is more verbally
abusive to their employees than a head coach.
You ever played a sport?
You ever had your coach always talking crazy, I want blood,
I want pain, water makes you weak, you can't have no water!
If Elon wants to keep from getting in trouble,
run Twitter like a head coach.
First off, stop emailing everybody.
Call a huddle, bring all your employees in,
because everything in that Elon email,
if everything Elon said in that email,
if he said it in a locker room, it don't sound as bad.
Like Elon could be a Twitter coach.
He just has hit little coaching and bring it in, bring it in.
Bring it in, Twitter team.
Bring it in.
OK, Twitter team, Twitter team.
We're in a competitive world.
We need to be hard core, long hours, high intensity,
only exceptional performance will
constitute a passing grade.
Engineers, I need you to drive us,
we are a software and services company!
If you are sure that you want to be a part of team Twitter,
then please click yes on the link below in the email.
And you make sure that they remember forever the night
they played the Titans!
Give me a blue check on 3!
1,2, 3 blue check!
Put it up!
Roy Wood Jr., everybody.
I'm inspired.